Jennie Halperin

know almost nothing about the succession of Roman Emperors. What I do know is that the Greek and Roman exhibit at the Metropolitan Museum of Art just reopened and that no one has yet written about the general aesthetics and attractiveness of the Roman rulers. I think I am qualified because I judge people by the way they look all the time. What I mean to say is that when you’re going to look at these dead white guys, you should objectify them a little. Just think of all the people they’ve done it to.

When I ask the irate looking museum guide where I might find these hotties, I am told that “They’re everywhere. This gallery is so cluttered. It’s like fucking Las Vegas. This museum has become so tacky.” I peruse the gallery and finally stumble upon Antonius Pius.

ANTONIUS PIUS

I wonder if his name (Pius) has anything to do with his bust. He looks pretty bored and not particularly pious at all. Unlike the people next to him, his shoulders and neck are missing. This is upsetting because now it’s hard to judge Tony’s fashion sense. He does have a really nice haircut. It looks like he sees a good hairdresser, but his curls appear sort of mottled; this could be because they are made of marble. It says underneath his bust that he presided over the Roman Empire at the height of its power. He looks really nervous for a man who is part of the “grandeur that [is] Rome.” Nice, straight nose, though. Lovely beard, kind of a blank and mysterious look in his eye. Hotness factor? 7 out of 10

MARCUS AURELIUS

So this guy is supposedly the greatest “philosopher king,” and definitely looks the part in this sculpture. You go, Marc! He’s a bit more sassy-looking than Tony, with a little smile on his face and bigger curls. Supposedly the long beard gives him a more Socratic look, but makes him look unkempt. His hair is also a little too long, and his military dress is kind of effeminate. He’s way over plucked his eyebrows. He and Tony have the same nose; I wonder if they saw the same plastic surgeon. It looks like his head has been reattached. Maybe he was forgetful? If so, he was a pretty effective ruler for someone who loses his head—it wasn’t attached.

LUCIUS VERUS

Oh Zeus! That afro has got to go, Luci. He’s got this “take charge” look in his squinty eyes and also has that long beard, but a detached moustache. This guy is way skinny. It says below his bust that his troops brought the plague to Europe. Maybe that’s why he’s so skinny! He totally had the short end of the stick because no one liked him as much as his co-emperor, Marc. That is probably why he isn’t even looking straight ahead. Anyway, even though he was “more idle” than the other emperors, he took better care of his appearance. I like that in a man.

CONSTANTINE

Wow, this guy is huge. I can see straight up his nose from here! He’s kind of boring and clean-shaven, with heaven-ward eyes. What a self-righteous jerk! If this is your “official image,” Consty, you might want to work on that.

AUGUSTUS/OCTAVIAN

Now this is the emperor I’ve been looking for. He doesn’t look very Roman-esque, with his small, round head and huge, lopsided ears, but he’s got some great hair. This is supposed to be his official image, but he looks totally worried. I read that his wife was really overbearing. Maybe he was looking at her while sitting for this portrait. The MET calls this look “dignified” and of “studied understatement,” but I think Augustus needs some Prozac. I’ll ease your mind, Auggie!

GAIUS/CALIGULA

I spent a long time looking for this bust, and I think it’s totally worth it. Even though he was a really bad guy, he’s got these great, empty, soulful eyes. I think he looks a little like Justin Timberlake, but that could be unpopular. Someone cut off part of his left ear in a Van Gogh move. Was he a troubled genius or evil emperor? You decide. He has these weird veins in his neck, but I can give him the number of a good plastic surgeon. He also might want some collagen in those thin lips and some eyebrow restructuring. With a little work, Cliggy could be quite a knock out.

Leaving the museum, I feel satisfied. I think that the Roman Empire could have benefited from some image consultants. With a couple of lifts here, tucks there, these guys could become more attractive than Helen of Troy.