Even though John Bourke served in Vietnam for two years, he had no plans to celebrate the 20th anniversary of the war's end last Sunday.
The former Navy SEAL, who says he suffers from post-traumatic stress disorder, describes how veterans groups turned him away because he was a Vietnam veteran and "had lost the war." He also remembers how he was shunned by friends who thought he was a baby killer, a drug addict or "just crazy."
"I became bitter," said Bourke, who struggles with alcholism. "I've participated in parades before, but I stopped because I was sick of wise kids saying `Hey, Rambo.' They don't understand what we went through."
At St. Rita's Immigration and Refugee Center in University Heights, Chi Tran, 24, won't mark the anniversary either. While she is Amerasian -- her mother is Vietnamese and her father was a white GI -- Tran's sentiments are not much different than Bourke's.
"Of course, I love Vietnam," Tran said in halting English. "But I don't think about the war."
Although Saigon fell 20 years ago, some borough residents struggle with a slew of problems spawned by the war's legacy. Like other Vietnam vets, veterans here cope with the aftershocks from the most controversial war in U.S. history. They also live in the only borough that doesn't have a memorial. The Bronx Vietnam Veteran Association, the only group for Vietnam vets in the borough, used to have a parade, but doesn't anymore.
"We gave our last parade two years ago," said Isabella Bourke, who has been involved in the association with her husband since its inception 10 years ago. "We spent a lot of money and nobody was there to watch it. Vietnam is still a touchy subject and it's hard to get veterans to talk about it."
Amerasians, who have settled in the borough in large numbers, tend not to talk about the war for different reasons. Allowed to immigrate to the United States under the Homecoming Act of 1987, most Amerasians began streaming here in 1989 to escape the poverty of their homeland and the torment of full-blooded Vietnamese who scorned their fatherlessness and mixed race.
"Every day, I was angry," recalled Sinh Tran, a 24-year-old Amerasian, who was teased relentlessly. "It was very bad. But my mom always loved me."
Life in America also brings its difficulties. A language barrier, poor education and joblessness are burdens that cause some Amerasians to succumb to alcoholism and the influence of gangs, said Sister Jean Marshall, the nun who founded St. Rita's program.
"Some of them think about the war," said Marshall, whose agency serves the more than 1,000 Amerasians and their families. "But they are grappling with so many other problems that it's hard."
While Amerasians and Vietnam vets in the Bronx are still haunted by the war, there is little chance of them getting together. The Amerasians are too shy to approach the vets and some vets think that the Amerasians bring back painful memories.
"There are some veterans who want to know them," said Bourke. "But others want to throw Vietnam into a corner and forget about it."