JESTER
Columbia's Finest Until 1908
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Enjoy these looks from some of our favorite role models.
–JM
The first rule of nothing
From Wikipedia:
“Nothing is better than eternal happiness. A ham sandwich is better than nothing. Therefor a ham sandwich is better than eternal happiness”
The Origins of Human Children :JEstor
The true origins of human children are little known and have had little attention in medical literature. This child phenomenon (CP) is a key part to human survival and must be studied more closely. To find where children have come from, we have taken a randomized sample of males, females, storks, and seeds and performed a double blind study that places subjects in both isolation and pairs, then observe them for CP. First a control group of subjects were placed in isolation to see if they make children appear by themselves. Afterwards, we evaluated various combinations starting with male and male, male and stork, stork and seed, seed and woman, woman and stork, stork and stork, etc. The combinations are paired together for seven days and held again in observation for seven years to see if CP occurs. Multivariate analysis performed showed that women that look fat in weird ways can produce children by themselves. The otherwise inconclusive data shows that the true origin of CP is still a mystery, perhaps as God intended.
Five Christian Martyrs Perfect for Your Halloween Jack-O-Lantern
Hi guys! So I know it’s no longer Halloween, but I missed out this year!!! :((( For the last two weeks I’ve been absolutely swamped taking care of this medically induced coma that my doctors put me under after I tried to swim across the East River while tripping acid again, haha.
It made me so sad to miss my absolute favorite holiday of the year, so thank you so much all of you wonderful readers for reading my stuff! Just pretend like it’s Halloween for the next minutes! Please.
Thank you,
Sarah Horowitz
Five Christian Martyrs Perfect for Your Halloween Jack-O-Lantern
No set of Halloween decorations is complete without a good Jack-O-Lantern. Lit pumpkins add color, light, and a DIY touch to any décor. Plus they’re fun to make! You and your friends or family can get creative together AND get your hands dirty at the same time. It’s good clean fun. But what if you don’t know what to carve into your pumpkin? Don’t sweat it! Let Jester help!
Here are the five Christian martyrs perfect for your Jack-O-Lantern this Halloween, courtesy of our wonderful staff of writers and editors.
Saint Stephen
The OG martyr. Saint Stephen was accused of blasphemy in “The Acts of Apostles.” After denouncing the Jewish authorities that sat in judgment before him, they stoned him to death. Be sure to include the crown of martyrdom when you carve his icon into your pumpkin! And for a fun turn on a Halloween classic, try carving his likeness post-stoning (we recommend using white chocolate bark to accent the bone chips from his skull).
– Brian Gardezi, Fashion Staff Writer
Saint Agnes
St. Agnes was a beautiful girl from a wealthy family in Ancient Rome. Every guy in the city hoped to woo her for her beauty, charm, grace, and wealth. But after she refused them all in the name of religious piety, they reported to her the Roman authorities as a worshipper of Christ so that she would be dragged naked through the street and left in front of a brothel. Men used to be so zany! Fortunately for her, God rescued from her fate, leaving her instead to be beheaded atop a pyre after authorities found themselves unable to burn her alive. Agnes is great if you’re looking to find that special someone for a Halloween smooch. She makes all the boys go crazy, and they’ll go crazy for you too! ;)
– Zoe Kopitz, Senior Political Editor
Saint Alban
Saint Alban is a chic pick for sure. A good combination of classic and obscure. Saint Alban is the first British martyr in Christina history. So he’s an original AND he’s British. He is also the direct ancestor of Damon Albarn, lead singer of Blur. And if there’s one thing that’s cool and hip, it’s taking pride in enjoying older forms of pop music without reservation.
– Ben Horvat, Senior Music Staff Writer
Jesus Christ
I mean he’s a good Christian martyr right? Like wasn’t he the first one to die for his beliefs? Though maybe it doesn’t count because he was the thing he believed in? I’m not sure.
– Parker, The Fucking Intern
My Uncle Ray
It was only once I felt his blood in my hands that I understood the true sacrifice that Christ made for our sins. The loose flesh around the wound and the slick feeling of this deep red half-liquid on my finger tips— O the pain that fell upon our Lord and Savior! O how cruel that I could not understand the depths of my sin until I had already committed it! Uncle Ray died at my hand and made me a Christian for it. He martyred himself for my soul and the countless souls of others. The weight of such a sin as murder would be a curse if I did not know better that my life is in the hands of a God who loves me. It is only be a blessing now, one that allows me to bathe in the light of Christ, to understand the true suffering of the Passion. God and Christ have redeemed my soul and I walk through the world now without any weight upon my shoulders. The same can be true for you. Open your hearts to God. RIP Uncle Ray.
– Craig Custenance, Sports Staff Writer
Dr. Ben Kaplan, author of “Submission of Work to the Museum of Modern Art,” joins us for the first episode of his series of Youtube lectures, “The Doctor Is In.”
From Capitol Hill To Your Closet
The Guardian posted this article today, depicting Paul Ryan looking debonair in a tailored black suit and gorgeous periwinkle tie with a diagonal striped pattern.
This week, Jester’s Style Guide brings this “I don’t give a fuck about the people” from capitol hill and right into your closet. And don’t worry, you don’t need Ryan’s steeling, soulless blue eyes to pull it off.
Ludlow Traveler Suit In Italian Wool, $700 at J. (Jester) Crew
Massimo Bizzocchi Textured Stripe Silk Tie, Blue, $175 at Neiman Marcus
Canali Solid Dress Shirt - Regular Fit, $265 at Bloomingdales
U.S. Congress House of Representatives Logo Lapel Pin US Metal Logo Dish Photo, $24.98 on ebay.com
Polo Ralph Lauren Leather Messenger Bag, $428 at Saks Fifth Avenue
This look is perfect for being coy, playing hard to get, or just general mysteriousness. And don’t forget to write-in Jester when you go to vote and/or purchase these items. There’s no discount, but you can help upset the balance of a political system monopolized by only two parties.
Yours forever,
–J.M.
I’m going to create a campaign called Don’t Do It.
Instead of “Always In Scoring Position” Mine will be “Always In Napping Position”
“Number 1 in the Field, Number One in Your Heart” to “Played Left Bench”
“Beast Status” to “Vegetable Status”
I think they’ll be a hit.
Breaking news: Bobby Jindal isn’t American Indian.
Upon in-depth research of Governor and presidential candidate Bobby Jindal's birth certificate and background Jester magazine has uncovered an uncomfortable truth: Bobby Jindal is not an American Indian. Sources report Jindal is taking advantage of the early mislabeling of the continent of America to deceive voters into thinking that his ancestors settled America first. So far there has been no response from the Jindal Campaign to these allegations.
3 Twists On A Classic Costume
Halloween is right around the corner and chances are you don’t have costume yet. But don’t worry Jester’s got the perfect costume for you–a ghost, with a twist of course. These three different takes on the classic ghost costume will make everyone regret that they ever talked about you behind your back.
The Movie Reference
Instead of just being a boring old ghost, be Patrick Swayze from the movie Ghost. It’s a really simple costume that really only requires a red shirt and a pair of black pants. Jester recommends the Vintage Cord In 484 Fit ($75) in dark gravel from Jester Crew (J. Crew)
And the Calvin Klein Burgundy Corded Slim Fit Non-Iron Dress Shirt ($89.50) from Men’s Warehouse.
The TV Show Reference
Everyone’s watching Game of Thrones, and if you’re not it probably means your a loser. Fortunately, you don’t have to watch the show to pull of this stellar costume idea.
See there is this family called the Starks and there are like six kids, except one of them is a bastard, and no one knows who his mom is. And one day they’re playing outside (this isn’t a spoiler it’s like the first thing that happens) and they find like a dead deer or something and there are these baby direwolves there, which are like normal wolves but bigger and smarter maybe? Anyway there are five wolves so all the real kids get one, but the Jon, the bastard, finds another one and it’s all white and he names it Ghost.
This costume is simple because you really don’t need a lot–just some wolf fur and accessories and magic powers. Jester recommends the White Wolf Anime Faux Animal Hood Hoods Mittens Gloves Scarf Spirit Paws Ears ($19.99) from amazon.com.
The Vintage 1980s G. Caserotti Originals Faux Fur Coat Made in USA Sz M White Wolf ($145) on ebay.com.
And Witchcraft: A Beginners Guide to Witchcraft ($9.99) on amazon.com.
The Classic Twist
Revive the classic sheet with two cut out eye holes and tell everyone it’s vintage. Just make sure the top is nice and round, completely round, not even the slightly semblance of a point. Jester recommends that you take this classic look from boo-hoo to boo-geoisie with the California King Frette Tres Bourdon Sheet ($1,045) from Bloomingdale’s.
Don’t forget to go in the bathroom in the dark and say Jester three times while you checkout if you decide to buy any of these costume options. There’s no discount, but we might just show up and snatch your soul!
Happy Holidays,
–J.M.