JEWISH DATING

(OH NO!)
Aaron Dobish


dating Dating is stressful and scary. The dating scene at Columbia is scary enough. Dating within the Columbia Jewish community is simply out of control. With people from everywhere on the Jewish spectrum, one would think it would be easy to find a mate. At a place like Columbia, there should be endless and endless dating possibilities. Someone representing almost every variation of our religion can be found on campus. Not only are there so many of us, we're also intelligent. In very few other places are so many amazing Jews in such close proximity. Great situation, right? So what's the problem?

Columbia Jews often place too much emphasis on the externals when looking for a good match. We step into a room and instantly begin making assumptions: she just shook hands with him over there so she's not shomer negia; he's a frat boy, but my Mom wouldn't like him Because he's not AEPi. With these assumptions, we categorize people into who we think we can and cannot date. We tend to think that certain people would not be good matches because they are either too religious or not religious enough. Problems arise when people try to date between their various religious groups.

These problems surfaced for many Columbians last semester, around the time of the Chanukah Ball. Many viewed this event as the JSU version of the college mixer that many of our parents often gloat about. Some students, believe it or not, did not just go to the ball to dance to the music of the live swing band. Some actually had ulterior motives - to find potential dates. After all, the ball seemed like the perfect opportunity for this - many members of Columbia's Jewish community, all gathered under one rotunda. With so many options to choose from, what could go wrong? As many of my friends found out, a lot could go wrong.

One friend, in an effort to break through the restrictions of Columbia's polarized Jewish community, or perhaps a feat of love-induced madness, asked a neighbor to the ball. When my friend's crush was approached with the idea, he was turned away. His neighbor blatantly stated that she could not be seen mixed-dancing in front of her friends. My friend, a less strict observer of Jewish law than the person he asked, had not realized that this might be a problem. For him, their both being Jewish was enough to go on a date together. For the girl he asked,
however, differences in levels of observance were even more important.

For some, dating is an experience with the sole purpose of finding a mate. For others, it is a simple way to interact with Jewish members of the Columbia community. Either way, a cloud covers the endless dating possibilities that many looked forward to before coming to Columbia: some people simply don't match. If dating doesn't work among people from different backgrounds, it can leave jaded and damaged personalities. Wounded egos because of failed dating attempts can lead to negative opinons about other groups in the community as a whole, which expands the problem from one about dating to one about Jewish relations.

If we desire to meet people from different backgrounds, we should be able to use dating as an option. Our dating methods of only dating people from the same Jewish background cannot continue. We can simply give up on the process of dating altogether. By not dating, we won't have the need to confront any of those confusing handshake situations. Not dating, however, is not too happy an option for most of us.

Another option, one slightly more plausible, is to change our community interactions before we begin dating. By becoming better friends, and discovering the similarities between the many segments of Judaism, we can make dating much easier. If, for example, we know that a person cannot mixed-dance, we might decide instead to attend a Friday night diner together. If both parties attempt to compromise, reaching a neutral midpoint, people will be able to get along. Only then can dating be something special for all members of the Columbia Jewish community, no matter to which group they belong.

With a different outlook, perhaps we will be able to change the dating scene at Columbia. Then, instead of being scared of approaching a potential partner, we can take advantage of the Jewish melting pot opportunity that we have here. Who says dating is scary?

Aaron Dobish is a Columbia College freshman.

Comments?