Politics

By Sanjay Sanghoee

It is a favorite past time of most people with a politically liberal bent of mind to criticize the Byzantine political maneu-verings of the Cold War era and to applaud what they consider a 'New Age of politics'. While there might be some merit to their viewpoint, mature reflection would indicate that their brand of politics is no politics at all. Machiavelli would be horrified by their suggestions and beliefs. In his view, their 'Prince' would not be a Prince at all, since he would promptly lose his throne to the first 'real' politician that came along.
There was a certain charm to the peculiar brand of politics that the Cold War necessitated. The following scenario never happened, nor is it ever likely to happen in the future, but it does serve to illustrate what we lovingly mean by the word 'politics'.
The defense secretary scrutinized the report in front of him, flipping pages back and forth, trying to absorb the information in the file. He closed it.
His assistant stared at him expectantly. She had a writing pad with her, and one hand was poised over it with a pen.
"So, Breminia is finally beginning to retaliate. Just as we had anticipated," said the defense secretary.
"That gives us an added excuse to step up arms supply to Harpinia Marxius," added the assistant.
"Yes, give them five Stealth Bombers, three Apaches, a hundred AK-47s and nine Uzis," said the defense secretary.
"Yes, sir," said the assistant, jotting down the information;" Anything else?"
"Hmm, yes. The Soviet Union has promised the new heat seeking missile system to the Breminians. So let's give the Harps a dozen heat proof fighter jets. Charge them extra for this one," replied the defense secretary.
"I will get the order off at once," said the assistant, getting up.
"One more thing. Send out a press release expressing our deep regret at the Harpinians' aggression and promising full support to Breminia in coming to a peaceful compromise, if necessary in the UN Security Council. We might even propose economic sanctions against Harpinia," said the defense secretary, propping his feet upon the desk.
"Yes, sir," said the assistant.
"Also send a personal telegram to the premier of Breminia. Tell him to hide under the table - we are coming for him," said the defense secretary.
The assistant left the room.
Meanwhile, the news machine in the office began to tick away. The defense secretary went over to study the fresh ream of paper.
Fresh riots had broken out in Arcolampo, with 30 people dead in a bomb blast near the town hall, and about 40 more dead or wounded in drive-by shootings all over the city. A mob of violent protesters had marched towards the President's mansion and police had to deploy tear gas to bring the situation under control. Rebels had blown up the town clock and opened fire on the police, who were trying to control the frenzied mob with machine guns. More than a dozen officers had been killed, and no one knew the time anymore.
Going back to his desk, the defense secretary rang for his assistant.
The assistant entered the room.
"Take this statement down as a press release," said the defense secretary.
The assistant nodded and pulled out a pad.
"The United States is a great and prosperous nation and no one can challenge our position as the greatest democratic polity in the world. We have a long and noble tradition of championing freedom and democracy all over the world, we are committed to taking firm action against anyone who dares to disturb the world peace. This includes extremists, fundamentalists, communists and terrorists," said the defense secretary. He crossed his fingers.
"Got that?" he asked.
"Yes, sir," replied the assistant, looking up.
"All right. Take this down. Seventeen Stinger missiles, ten Chrysler M-1 tanks, twelve AWACS, seven shiploads of cluster bombs and fifty anti-aircraft guns - these are for the Arcolampian government. Now, twenty Stinger missiles, fifteen AWACS, nine F-5 fighters, seventy anti-aircraft guns, and 30 gross electrically controlled land mines - these are for the rebels. Dispatch these orders at once," said the defense secretary.
"Yes, sir. And payment?" said the assistant, looking questioningly at his boss.
"Dollars. Credit cards accepted. Eight and a quarter percent on all bombs. Charge the government more - we can't afford to bankrupt the rebels," said the defense secretary.
"Right, sir," said the assistant.
"While you are at it, send a telex to the Russian Premier expressing my deep concern for the welfare of the Arcolampian people, and asking the Soviets to join us in the efforts to end this insurgency. Then send a telex to the Arcolampian Minister of Eternal Affairs, stating our frank disapproval of the working of his government and threatening them with covert guerrilla warfare if they don't comply with our request," said the Defense Secretary.
"Anything else?" asked the assistant.
"Oh, yes. Three important things - " said the Defense Secretary," one, another press release - 'The American government is firmly against the outlaw terrorism practiced by the rebels in Arcolampia and will assist their government in all ways to suppress this shameful violence.' And finally, send a telex to the rebels from the side of the Arcolampian government, turning down all requests for mediation talks or compromises. And a telex to the Soviets from the Arcolampian government, turning down all help from their side and calling Brezhnev a bulldog," finished the Defense Secretary.
"May I ask you a question, sir?" asked the assistant.
"Sure," replied the Defense Secretary.
"Why are we double-dealing all these people?" asked the assistant.
"Have you heard of the word 'politics'?," asked the Defense Secretary.
"Yes, sir," replied the assistant.
"This is it," said the Defense Secretary of the United States of America.