Breaking Stories
Is the Whole School Going to Pieces???

More Computer problems - What caused Meltdown??
Air Conditoning or Hacker

New Building $50M Overbudget
Forgot Toilets!

Law School News
to go on-line -
but parody beats them to it!
  As if the e-mail system wasn't bad enough, the law school faced a serious computer meltdown yesterday - literally.  Allegedly due to the record breaking heat and a completely useless air conditioning system, six computers melted like butter and are now nothing more than cyberpuddles.  One student who witnessed the meltdown described "the monitors began to get all blurry, but I thought I was just hallucinating from the heat."  In response to the crisis, the University issued a statement claiming that the "network will undergo maintenance" and all services will be down for at least a week.  Additionally, the University will provide towels to prevent electrical shock for students who sweat profusely at computer stations.
     However, the Snooze has just uncovered another explanation for the horrible meltdown.  In secret documents obtained from IT specialist Dim Logon, the school may have faced a hacker attack aimed at overloading  the circuitry of the law school network. Apparently,  a user known as STUDHACK released a program to have each workstation print "Pain Grinsberg writes copyright for the 1890's" a trillion times.
   Unidentified sources suggest that Prof. Eben Myegoglen is at the bottom of everything, particularly in light of his breakdown last week when the patent office denied his application to trademark the numbers one and zero.  When asked to comment he quickly responded "just remember who controls the net.  Don't think I can't track all those nudey sites you visit - this is one small tubby guy you don't want to mess with."  So, we at the sNews have determined that Myegoglen is definitely innocent in this matter.


 

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    The new law and business school building was supposed to be a new home for student groups and student services - but just not all student services.  Apparently, in a rush to stay under budget the architect failed to install any toilets.  Dean David Feeblon immediately shifted blame to the previous administration complaining "it was thier stupid idea to start rebuilding everything, why did I get stuck with the bill?"  The architect was also quick to offer some sort of defense claiming "we were so friggn' busy trying to equip all those classrooms with projection screens, net access, and state of the art equipment we just overlooked such old technology."
  Yet the Snooze has remained highly skeptical, particularly in light of a recent EPA report on the the air quality standards of the law school.  Apparently, in papers filed with the state health department, the EPA warned that bathrooms like those in the main law school would "pose serious and immediate health risks to students" and that only if bathrooms were completely taken out of the building plans could construction permits be obtained.
    The new building manager Tony Balonee had yet a different angle.   When pushed on the issue he admitted that "we put safety over convenience because if money was going to go to anything, it had to be for extra outlets for computers.  Our studies show that the law school now has a 85% chance of a fire with everyone hooking up to a single extension cord.  But hey, if you print that, I'll clip the lock from your locker - you better not mess with Tony Balonee."  Mr. Balonee will of course have a private bathroom in the new building.  The whole new building fiasco appears to be just another example of how our tuition dollars end up in the toilet.

    The Law School News is up in arms now that it is unable to tout itself as the longest running law school newspaper on-line - "and the battle has just begun" cries Law School News editor-in-cheat Georgie Refault.  Just this morning, LSN filed two emotional harm tort claims, an unfair competition claim,  and asked a New York court to rule that the new on-line sNews violated FRCP 15(c)(3)(x)(d) making it  humourous-lackus.  However, the sNews (short for SUPER News) has some strong support.  Professor Pain Grinsburg defended the on-line edition claiming "you don't have to be funny to deserve constitutional protection."  Prof. Grinsburg, known for a lackluster sense of humor herself, insisted that the sNews was an acceptable parody that deserves the title as the new champion of on-line law school newspapers.  "Even if it seems a little stiff, isn't all that funny, and lacks a personality, it can still be number one."
   "If students can laugh at Law Revue, they can laugh at the sNews" suggests court papers filed in defense of the on-line edition.  But Whack Beanbalt, famed first amendment scholar, argues that "such mindless drivel falls into the small area of unprotected speech, and ought to be done away with.  This is an institution of higher learning with no place for silliness."  When asked how one determines what is and is not funny he responded "I know it when I see it." 
   In a written statement to the sNews Refault wrote "You chucklefaces ain't half my calibore and is a disgrace to my jernalistic integrety."  The editors have declined to comment.