 George Stephenopolopolous is
leveraging his White House connections to attract real talent to Colombia. In a deal
sure to spark significant debate, Monica will be teaching courses on Family Law and
Alternate Dispute Resolution. In a statement from the University, Dean Feeblon
admits that it is unusual to hire someone without a law degree, but notes that she came
with some very strong recommendations. "I want to demonstrate that we are a
progressive law school, looking to broaden our faculty base with varied backgrounds and
skills. We are committed to hiring women, and I think Monica will add a lot to the
community." |
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Professor Micheal Dork was arrested late
Monday night after the FBI wiretapped his phone to obtain a conversation with Larry
ConTribed where Dork discussed both paying ConTribed to add his name to future Con Law
books and to altering tenure recommendation for fellow Professor John Manthing. The
FBI is now investigating whether Dork has ever published a thing in his life, and whether
Manthing had been part of fraud.
Despite strong first amendment arguments, Dork was denied bail. The
judge admonished "we do not believe that adding your name to people's book covers and
passing them off as your own is a form of free speech that the constitution aims to
protect." Dork also enraged the judge when he refused to enter a
"guilty" or "not guilty" plea and insisted on claiming "just
kidding." Failing there, Dork quickly shifted gear to equal protection
claims and a new professorial priviledge. In a sworn statement, Dork described a
horrible childhood filled with broken dreams of someday being a basketball star or a
hollywood actor. "I just wanted the other kids to like me, look up to me, and
listen," he sobbed, "and I thought at least being a professor would make me
cool."
Allegedly, he tried to obtain the same status for Prof. Manthing, by
doctoring tenure reports late a night. Two weeks ago, the school had a break-in
where private facutly files were removed. A witness gave a vague description of a
tall man with an abnormally large upper body compared to awfully short legs. The FBI
used the information to get a warrant to tap Dorks phone.
Photos recently released show Dork and Manthing exchanging large sums of
money. Additionally, banking records reflect numerous deposits into Manthing's
account from numerous soft drink producers. An FBI investigator suggested
"today, law professors are cool, and are great potential sponsors. If Manthing
could get tenure, he would be in front of hundreds of students who will soon have large
paychecks with which to buy plenty of beverages."
Dork has spent the past few days in a New York jail teaching inmates civil
procedure. The ACLU is standing behind Dork, as are four of his cellmates. |