war

The PHILOLEXIAN SOCIETY of Columbia University, in alliance with the PHILOMATHEAN
SOCIETY of the University of Pennsylvania, hereby issues this

DECLARATION OF WAR

against the WHIG-CLIOSOPHIC SOCIETY of Princeton University in retribution for the following
transgressions, offenses, and other calumnies perpetrated by the same:

* The humiliating defeat of the Columbia Lions by the Princeton Tigers--known to be merely a front for Whig-Cliosophic--to no end other than to subject Columbia to the scorn of its academic brethren for enduring the longest losing streak in NCAA Division I football;

* The murder in 1804 of Alexander Hamilton of the King's College Literary Society (later Philolexian) by Aaron Burr of the Cliosophic Society (later Whig-Cliosophic), and the failure of the attending surgeon, Dr. David Hosack--a member of the Princeton class of 1789--to save Mr. Hamilton;

* The erroneous and unforgiveably self-aggrandizing claim of Whig-Cliosophic that it is the oldest collegiate literary society in America;

* The continued refusal of Whig-Cliosophic to participate in and attend duly authorized meetings of the Association of American Collegiate Literary Societies (AACLS);

* The grossly unaesthetic construction of much of Whig Hall in cinderblock;

* The failure of Brooke Shields, Princeton '87, to obtain a true education at the so-called institution of higher learning with which Whig-Clio willingly associates itself, this being noted in The New York Times of August 15, 1987, by Mr. Leonard Koppett, Columbia '44.

IT IS THEREFORE RESOLVED that a STATE OF WAR exists between the WHIG-CLIOSOPHlC
SOCIETY and the MATHO-LEXIAN SOCIETY--the alliance of the Philomathean and Philolexian
Societies--and that this conflict shall be resolved by the holding of future debates and other literary
exercises between the groups.

DONE, THIS TENTH DAY OF OCTOBER IN THE YEAR OF OUR LORD ONE THOUSAND NINE
HUNDRED EIGHTY-SEVEN