pages tagged kilmerPhilowixianhttp://www.columbia.edu/cu/philo/tags/kilmer/Philowixianikiwiki2017-05-12T04:38:11ZKilmer B-sides: Buying a one-way ticket to the Mountain of Purgatoryhttp://www.columbia.edu/cu/philo/phlog/2011/05/kilmer-b-sides-buying-one-way-ticket-to/2011-05-19T02:50:00Z2011-05-19T02:50:00Z
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Pride has always been my favourite sin. That would have been much to the chagrin of the Knox Presbyterian minister who was my grandfather, but then again presumably so would have been my having had a favourite sin at all. In any case, I'm not even going to apologize for having published my own poem in the Kilmer </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Surgam</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">, much less putting it online now. It was damn funny and you laughed your heads off at it. Plus Marcus Folch, one of our judges at this past contest, introduced me in December to a Classics graduate student by pointing out that damn could I ever write a bad poem. And so I can.</span></span><div><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></div><div> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">“Philosophy Contemp’rary”</span></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><i>Or,</i> “The Catalogue of Shits”</span></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">for Roland Theodore Smith III—</span></span></i></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">by </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Gavin McGown</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">, CC’13</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I’m the luckiest lad on the planet, you know,</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Since I’m leaving the bar with a new boy in tow.</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">He’s a philosophy major! I managed to peek—</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">And some parts are the length of the First Critique.</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">And I think—as this twink starts to take me about—</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Aristotle and I have to fight this fight out</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">For he says there’s </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">one</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"> ultimate goal that you find</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">But tonight there are </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">two</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"> ends that </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">have in mind.</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">[But, you see, there’s a problem: I aspire t’write poetry</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">And not to divine a concept’s circuitry.</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">But surely by now has not philosophy</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Given up its polemics ‘gainst poets? We’ll see.]</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">When we get to my place and walk in the Adoorno</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">We talk: a pure mix of </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">New Yorker</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"> and porno.</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">“But sovereignty—deconstruction—Obama”—</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Yeah, just like that, baby. Talk dirty to Mama.</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">But really quite fast something starts to go wrong</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">And the Muse begins singing quite different a song</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">It was fine in the bar—and when we were walking—</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">But I want to fuck, and this boy </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">won’t stop talking</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">.</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">A gross fear of mine—on the damnedest occasion,</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Have I seduced one of a postmodern persuasion?</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Does he think that ‘desire’s a function of Law?’</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">But, surely, e’en then, </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">sex</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"> just isn’t </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">bourgeois</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">.</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">But he keeps muttering to me about Sartre and Lacan</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">While I’m trying to head for the </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">enjambment</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Yes, his speech is so fine, but his lips are so chewy—</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">And it’s just on </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">my</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"> John I’d like him to get Dewey.</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">And then—worst of all—he manages to thwart</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">My analytics of a </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">posterior</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"> sort:</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">“It’s not about you—your ass drives me mental;</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">It’s just that my interests tend more cunt-inental.</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></span></p> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></span><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">“If I did it for you, then I’d do it for all!”</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I bit on the pillow and choked on my gall. </span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"> You’d have thought that the gin would have managed to kill</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Inhibitions—but, nude, he’s a Kantian still!</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">“Bullshit!” I swear. While I hope I’m not nosy,</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">The delay’s just philosophers’ bias ‘gainst poesy.</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">And like Platonists when, </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">contra</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"> poets, they battle,</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">The twink won’t give in, so now </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">start to prattle:</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">“I can see that of bawdy relations you’re skeptical</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Preferring to chat in ways pure dialectical.</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">And I do eschew the Symbolic; poetical</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Works are my job. Now, let’s get exegetical.</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">“I promise you now I’m no bullish Aiacides</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Nor Athens’ demise, that slut Alcibiades.</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Plato says, twixt our fields, there must be a dyad; he’s</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Wrong; if you like, we can make a hendiadys!</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">"And if you’re inventive and feel like chiasmus</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">As did, I am told, both Baudelaire and Erasmus</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Let me use my skills, find some friends who will lay</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Beside us, A-B-B-C-D-C-B-B-A!</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">“Metonymically speaking, I beg you allow me</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">To of you ask your hand (no, wait, shit, that’s synecdoche)—</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Your bed then—or, come now, you big Morgenbesser,</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">If the bed’s too passé, there’s always the dresser!</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">"But do you deliberate still on the praxis?</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Oh, babe, let me show you a </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">fine</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"> ataraxis</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">And lay us both down in our joy’s parataxis</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">With one on his knees and then one on his backses!</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span">"I’ll be servant, your queen, and your beast—metaphorically—</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">If you’ll only start binding me up—categorically!</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Let’s change places: I’ll be </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Logico-Philosophicus</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">While you get philological down my esophagus—</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">"Or where’er. This proof of compatibilism</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Is that, betwixt us, true, there need be no schism</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">While I scream aloud hordes of neologisms</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">And call out the flood of your sweet syllogisms</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">"Right to their conclusion—oh, what blissful poiesis</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">When you’ve made me your goal of considered </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">prohairesis</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">And acted to me on the good of my guise</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">(Babe, ain’t nothing look bad when it’s between those thighs).</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">"And when we’ve gone at it, and you’ve got your rooster on</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Turn around, and then we’ll be </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">proteron hysteron</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">!</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">But for my submission I insist that you bend</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Just a bit, and, like Solon, I’ll 'look to the end.'</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">"So help me end the war: you, my </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">erastês</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">,</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Eromenos</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">, me, for the rest of our days,</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Unite Philo and Poesy who’ve been locked in a fray</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">For so many millenia—so, what do you say?”</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">The circumlocuter stared at me dumbfounded</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">As if he were a mortar I’d just pestle-pounded;</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Then went back to the door and turned the (John) Locke</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">And turned back to me, and got out his—</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">And how’d it turn out?</span></span></b></p><p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Well, I wake up in the morning feeling like Socratidion</span></span></i></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Here actually should have listened to his … epipsychidion</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">; </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"></span></span></i></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Next time I’ll find a </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">good</span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"> philosopher to waste my pity on;</span></span></i></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Bright side: unlike</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"> Symposium</span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">, least I was no small kiddy-on</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span"></span></p> <div><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></div><div><br /></div></div>
Kilmer B-sides: relive Valentine's Day!http://www.columbia.edu/cu/philo/phlog/2011/05/kilmer-b-sides-relive-valentines-day/2011-05-19T02:25:00Z2011-05-19T02:25:00Z
<span class="Apple-style-span">I for one found this poem, whose author shan't be named given the field he's planning to go into and some illusion of demureness he's hoping to maintain there, particularly fitting: for whom does bad poetry not immediately conjure up thoughts of Valentine's Day? Alas, we shan't be able to recreate the very fine slideshow with which he enhanced our viewing pleasure—more's the pity. Without further adieu:</span><div><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></div><div> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span">11 Valentine's Day Cards:</span></b><b><span><span class="Apple-style-span"></span></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Or, </span></span></i></b><b><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">“Romantic Messages for that 'Special' Someone”</span></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Or</span></span></i></b><b><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">, “Nothing Says ‘I Love You’ Like a Restraining Order”</span></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span><span class="Apple-style-span"><i>by </i>F. J.</span></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></b></p><p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span">Prologue: Surprises</span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span">Surprise surprise!</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span">It's Valentine's Day!</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span">/</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span">Good thing you've got</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span">your pepper spray.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></b></p><p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span">1: Alive</span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span">Bill Cosby is black,</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span">and this taxi is yellow</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span">/</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span">You make me quiver</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span">like horse-ghosts in Jell-O.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></b></p><p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span">2: The Atomic Woman</span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span">Brave men raised the flag</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span">over old Iwo Jima.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span">/</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span">Girl, you da bomb,</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span">that flattened Hiroshima.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></b></p><p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span">3: Early Grey, Stalker.</span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span">Badminton's weird,</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span">but tea is delicious.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span">/</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span">I see you in the bushes,</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span">doing something suspicious.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></b></p><p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span">4: Sapiosexual.</span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span">Bullets are lead,</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span">and that glow is uranium.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span">/</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span">Your brain is so fine</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span">I want my dick in your cranium.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></b></p><p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span">5: Cards for all occasions, eschatons included.</span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span">How fragile are we</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span">in this sprawling metropolis.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span">/</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span">I'll have your back</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span">in the zombie apocalypse.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></b></p><p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span">6: Hedonism</span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span">The train, it has left,</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span">and the pie, it is baked.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span">/</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span">I know this doesn't rhyme,</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span">but let's all get naked.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></b></p><p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span">7: Paging Doctor Blood Fetish</span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span">Septicemia's tragic,</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span">and Swine Flu's upsetting.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span">/</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span">Won't you come back to my place</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span">for some old-time bloodletting?</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></b></p><p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span">8: Cleanse Your Soul.</span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span">Blasphemy is a sin,</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span">and Babel was a tower.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span">/</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span">I want to know you,</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span">biblically, in the shower.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></b></p><p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span">9: The Importance of Language</span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span">I wasn't mugged or hit by a car,</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span">despite what you probably heard.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span">/</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span">It's just that I forgot</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span">the safeword.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></b></p><p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span">10: The Classic.</span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span">Roses are red,</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span">Violets are blue,</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span">/</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span">Close your eyes and bend over,</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span">Let's try something new!</span><span></span></p> </div>
Kilmer 2010 B-sides: "The Hungry Sonnet"http://www.columbia.edu/cu/philo/phlog/2011/05/kilmer-2010-b-sides-hungry-sonnet/2011-05-19T02:07:00Z2011-05-19T02:07:00Z
<span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">More Kilmer B-sides! Moderator emeritus Christopher Travis delivered the following, if you recall, while we were waiting for some fellows to repair the sound. Side-note: I've been in the Held Auditorium for maybe seven different events over the past two years, and every single time the sound's been shot to bits. The last time was at this past Woodbridge Lecture series with Onora O'Neill—Kantian, Cantabrigian, and British Parliamentarian—who somehow despite the microphone's having broken could not bring herself to speak above a whisper. Praise be to her Queen's English accent and consequent impeccable diction.</span></span><div><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Chris Travis's God also has impeccable diction, although perhaps not in that way. Still, somehow I think Donne would have been proud.</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></div><div> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">The Hungry Sonnet;</span></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span><b><i><span class="Apple-style-span">Or,</span></i><span class="Apple-style-span"> “If John Donne’s Problem was Gluttony, not Lechery”;</span></b></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span><b><i><span class="Apple-style-span">Or,</span></i><span class="Apple-style-span"> “The Safe Word is ‘Moist’”</span></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span><b><span class="Apple-style-span">Chris Travis</span></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span><b><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></b></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span><span class="Apple-style-span">Batter my heart, three-person’d God;</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span><span class="Apple-style-span">And set the burner to medium, medium-high,</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span><span class="Apple-style-span">For you as yet but boil, bake, and saut</span><span><span class="Apple-style-span">é; not fry!</span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span><span class="Apple-style-span">That I may be eaten, tenderize me, God,</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span><span class="Apple-style-span">With your mallet—of love.</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span><span class="Apple-style-span">(Before you batter me, of course: I’d hate for you to make a mess all over your divine kitchen, O Lord, O big, strong, manly Lord with rippling…anyway…) </span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span><span class="Apple-style-span">O, plunge me deep into your good stuff, your boiling oil—of love;</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span><span class="Apple-style-span">But once you have cooked me all the way,</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span><span class="Apple-style-span">Leave me not to burn and die—</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span><span class="Apple-style-span">Into new skillet, complete with top,</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span><span class="Apple-style-span">O heavenly chef, there let me plop;</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span><span class="Apple-style-span">And smother in God’s other good stuff, God’s gravy generously applied.</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span><span class="Apple-style-span">Yet, even still, I’m not fit food for thee.</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span><span class="Apple-style-span">Please don’t taste, unless you garn<a name="_GoBack"></a>ish me!</span></span></p> </div>
Kilmer 2010 B-sides: "Tick, Tick"http://www.columbia.edu/cu/philo/phlog/2011/05/kilmer-2010-b-sides-tick-tick/2011-05-19T01:54:00Z2011-05-19T01:54:00Z
<span class="Apple-style-span">Hey-o, Philos. So I went a little crazy with the Kilmer </span><i><span class="Apple-style-span">Surgam </span></i><span class="Apple-style-span">and included several fabulous pieces in addition to those picked by our judges. I'm sure you recall how the ever brilliant Michal Richardson delivered the following, and while we can't recreate her singing—which doubtless would have put to shame even the shameless Ke$ha—we can let you take another gander at the bad poetry.</span><div><br /></div><div> <div class="Section1"> <p align="center" class="MsoNormal"><b><span><span class="Apple-style-span">Tick, Tick</span></span></b></p> <p align="center" class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Michal Richardson</span></span></b></p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"></span></span></b><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Wake up in the morning feelin’ rather shitty.</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"></span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">(Hey, what up, girl?)</span></span></i></p><p class="MsoNormal"><i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"></span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Got a rash shaped like a bull’s-eye; baby, it ain’t pretty</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Before I leave, check my knees, and my elbows in back</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">‘Cause when these bastards get you, your system goes slack.</span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"></span></span></i></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></span></i></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I’m talkin’ ‘bout sudden shooting pains, pains</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Slowin’ down of yo’ brains, brains</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Joints hurt when it rains, rains</span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></span></i></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Gettin’ weak around the knees, knees</span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Fallin’ down at the parties</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Startin’ to get a little bit woo…zy…</span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"></span></span></i></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></span></i></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Eyes pop, make it stop</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Now my body’s heatin’ up</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">What a sight, what a plight</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">When I see the tick bite</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Tick glommed to my arm,</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">And I’m callin’ up my mom.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Oh, whoa-whoa, oh.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Oh, whoa-whoa, oh.</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Make it stop, get it off</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Can we blow the bastard up?</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">It’s on tight; better fight</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">So I don’t get encephalitis</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Tick, tick, unstick!</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Somebody fetch my tweezers, quick!</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Oh, whoa-whoa, oh.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Oh, whoa-whoa, oh.</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Now, the party in my head has gone supersonic</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">But if I go in for my treatment, symptoms won’t be chronic.</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Pain in my nerves and my joints is simultaneous</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">And on my body’s surface, for a disease that’s cutaneous.</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I’m talkin’ ‘bout neurons that don’t fire, fire</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Memories I don’t acquire, quire</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Situation’s gettin’ dire, dire</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I’m talkin’ ‘bout cognitive impairment</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">But I’ll dance until I hit the pavement</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Go until I hit the pavement…</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">…pavement…</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></span></i></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Head pops; make it stop</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Gonna party ‘till I drop</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Tonight, I’mma fight</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">This disease that’s called Lyme</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Tick, tick, I won’t be licked</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">It was just a little nick!</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Oh, whoa-whoa, oh.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Oh, whoa-whoa, oh.</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Head pops; make it stop</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Gonna party ‘till I drop</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Tonight, I’mma fight</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">This disease that’s called Lyme</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Tick, tick, I won’t be licked</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">By a buggin’ little prick; no!</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Oh, whoa-whoa, oh.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Oh, whoa-whoa, oh.</span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"></span></span></i></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></span></i></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Got my hands up</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">My brain breaks down</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">My heart, it sounds</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Like a dance beat</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I’m all washed up</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Body’s besieged</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">By this fatigue</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Yeah, you got me.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">[YAWN.]</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></i></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Got my hands up</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Put your hands up</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Put your hands up…</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Do you think it might be lupus?</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></i></p></div><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></span><div class="Section2"> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Head pops; make it stop</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Gonna party ‘till I drop</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Tonight, I’mma fight</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">This disease that’s called Lyme</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Tick, tick, I won’t be licked</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">It was just a little nick.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Oh, whoa-whoa, oh.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Oh, whoa-whoa, oh.</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Head pops; make it stop</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Gonna party ‘till I drop</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Tonight, I’mma fight</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">This disease that’s called Lyme</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Tick, tick, I won’t be licked</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">By a buggin’ little prick, no!</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Oh, whoa-whoa, oh.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Oh, whoa-whoa, oh.</span></span></p></div> </div>
Kilmer 2010: Winner ("OH Tea Party ME!")http://www.columbia.edu/cu/philo/phlog/2011/01/kilmer-2010-winner-oh-tea-party-me/2011-01-03T04:34:00Z2011-01-03T04:34:00Z
<p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><b>OH Tea Party ME! </b></span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><i>by </i>Gerard Leone, Penn '07</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><i><span class="Apple-style-span">(Due to the content of the poem, it has been assumed that the typos are intentional—every last one of them. - Ed.)</span></i></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Truth, America </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">TRUTH, America </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Where is the TRUTH America? </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Where is the Truth Moose America?</span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Where is the Silly Goose America? </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">WASHINGTON- The truth moose comes from the country </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">And dies stabbed by Masonic Pentagrams </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span">Inscribed into Capital Map </span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span">BY FRENCH PEOPLE </span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Meanwhile the Silly Goose comes from Harvard </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">And lays golden eggs that are not golden eggs but chocolate eggs in gold foil </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Which is not even American-style chocolate </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">But Turkish Delight which comes from the Narnia Books </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">But it’s Turkish so its MUSLIM! </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">WHY DO YOU LET YOUR GOOSE KILL YOUR MOOSE AMERICA?</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Youth, America </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">YOUTH, America </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Where is the Youth in America? </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">When we were kids there was no health care </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">SO WHERE IS THE YOUTH, America?</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Where are bobby socks and the FONZ and Lawrence Welk and Armless Thaldomide Babies</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">There was no sickness, even when I was sick there was no sickness, that wasn’t sickness </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">That was Cancer, but not CANCER—Which is like a gay guy looking at you in the shower </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">That is cancer, eternal cancer, and how he takes care of his body </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">CANCER—AWFUL CANCER—the gays in their tight jeans which hug their buttockses </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">THE FONZ, THE YOUTH, AMERICA? </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">THE FONZ does not need Healthcare </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Who needs healthcare? </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span">The Youth in Asia </span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">But the youth in asia is euthanasia </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">ASIA YOUTH, KILLS AMERICANS </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">THEY ARE GOING TO KILL AMERICANS</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Roof America </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">The Roof AMERICA </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">THE ROOF, THE ROOF, America</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"> It’s on FIRE </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Because there’s a shooter on the ROOF AMERICA </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">and he’s taking aim because it hot on a roof that’s on fire </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I AM ON FIRE, oo oooh oooh I’m on fire </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Hey little girl is your daddy home </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Did he go and leave you all alone because he’s fighting the Fire in America? </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">AMERICA YOU ARE ON FIRE </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">A fire that burns inside like heart burn</span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">And itches like a hemorrhoid...buttockses that burn in the night </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Like ass lanterns in the dark BURN ASS LANTERN </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">SHOW ME the roof that burns but does not burn</span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">The books that burn but do not burn with GOD </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Give me a book depository that will save me </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">A book depository filled with old copies of </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">The road to serfdom and vhs cassettes of FREE TO CHOOSE </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Rose and Milty Freidman were bald, </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span">but she was on FIRE </span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">FIRE FOR AMERICA</span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Not like Hayek who was an Austrian Aristocrat </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">We do not need Aristocrats in America </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">NO QUEENS NO SIRES </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">NO phds and Esquires</span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">FIRE FIRE FIRE AMERICA- FIRE THE PRESIDENT FIRE AT THE PRESIDENT FIRE THE LIAR PRESIDENT LIAR LIAR MIRE CHOIR ASS LANTERN AMERICA</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Couth America, </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">The COUTH, America </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span">t’s a French word</span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">FRANCE IS NOT AMERICA </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">AMERICA IS AMERICA </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">FRANCE IS ONE LETTER AWAY FROM CANCER </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">FRANCER- no its two additional letters the C and the R AT THE END and subtract the F and the R </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">so, really it’s minus two plus two it comes out even </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">FRANCE IS CANCER </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Couth? America? </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span">You want to be couth? </span><span class="Apple-style-span">Like the gay guys in France? </span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span">With their galois and the jeans so tight </span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"></span><span class="Apple-style-span">And the gyrating </span><span class="Apple-style-span">IT'S NOT SAFE AMERICA </span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span">They are circling, the French hawk is circling the eagle’s nest America </span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span">The gay hawk, they gyrate, in the widening gyre </span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span">They can’t hear the hunter’s call NOBODY CAN HEAR YOUR BABY’s call America </span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span">Do you know where you baby is America? </span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span">They are there on the internet America, going gay </span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span">On the chat rooms where America is misspelled Amercia </span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span">The Amer CIA, the CIA does not serve the Americans </span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span">Amercia it sounds Spanish, Mexicans Illegal </span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span">America itself sounds Spanish, it’s Italian </span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span">So dark and swarthy but we’re pure </span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span">We can never forget their tight jeans, the outline of their erect... </span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span">AMERICA</span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Booth America </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">BOOTH, America</span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">We can do it America </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Booth it America—</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Booth it or lose it America </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">MOVE IT America, </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">We’re stuck in theatre traffic </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">To apocalypse of John at Madison Square Garden </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">And we should have left earlier but we were busy </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">With our constitution reading group </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Because it says right there what the founders wanted </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">And we do what our daddies want </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Which was not to tax my flavored waters </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Keep you hands off my body OBAMA </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">When you got your hands on me in my skin tight Jeans </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">In my teenage dream of America, stop touching me! </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">BOOTH IT AMERICA, you know what I mean </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">We’re here in the balcony watching My American Cousin </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">SEX SEMPER TYRANNUS </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span">Which means </span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span">ALWAYS HAVE SEX WITH TYRANTS AMERICA </span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span">but leave them in the morning and erase your number from their phone </span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span">I’m Leaving America, you’ll never taste my guilt again </span><span class="Apple-style-span">America </span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span">Unless you BOOTH IT AMERICA </span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span">Like I said, vote </span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span">Vote in the Booth America</span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span">That’s all I meant America </span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span">AMERICA america................. AMERICA?</span></p>
Kilmer 2010: First Runner-Up ("Funeral Oration Over the Crater of Senator Theodore Stevens")http://www.columbia.edu/cu/philo/phlog/2011/01/kilmer-2010-first-runner-up-funeral/2011-01-03T04:24:00Z2011-01-03T04:24:00Z
<p><b><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Funeral Oration Over the Crater of Senator Theodore Stevens </span></span></b></p><p><b><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"></span></span></b><span class="Apple-style-span"><i><span class="Apple-style-span">or</span></i><span class="Apple-style-span">: </span></span><b><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Panegyric to the Apotheosis of a Patriot</span></span></b></p><p><b><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></b></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><i><span class="Apple-style-span">by</span></i><span class="Apple-style-span"> Andrew Hamilton GS '13</span></span></p><p><b><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></b></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">My friends, patriots and countrymen. We are gathered here today, not only to crawl from the wreckage of this single-engine amphibious plane and weakly call for help, but also to honor the memory of our fallen hero, the Alaskan of the Century, a towering figure among men and Alaskans: the late United States Senator Theodore Stevens.</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">My friends, the world will little note nor long remember </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">The giblets splattered here today</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">For we cannot consecrate this crater. </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">The brave man scattered here </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Has consecrated it far beyond our poor power, and line of sight.</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Oh Ted, your fall from grace was swift and askew </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Corruption convictions and faulty avionics teamed up on you. </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Too soon did vengeful Hovah call you home, young man. </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Was it all part of his and the Democrats’ plan? </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Or maybe he just wanted to hold you real close.</span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">It’s really cold. Has anyone called for help?</span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Oh, and those Judases in criminal court </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Who Judas’ed you as if for sport </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">When told that you eternally now dream </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Will weep that you’ve escaped their liberal scheme</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Oh noble Ted, you embiggened these United States </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">By half a million square miles, and hundreds of people. </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Alas. You’re earmarking vast federal appropriations for projects in heaven now.</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I don’t have a cell signal. Does anyone have a signal?</span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">O, Father of the noblest State, that mighty bulwark ‘gainst the Reds, </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Even in death you fertilize its tundra’d fields and verdant flower-beds!</span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">To us from failing hands you threw </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">The briefcase full of unmarked bills </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">B</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span">ecause banks and ethics panels sure ask a lot of questions, yes they do,</span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">And why can’t some dudes pay for your home improvements if they want to?</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Do we have any food? It’s getting dark.</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Great Theodore, your Internets have now been sent </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">To a greater network </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Where they cannot be tangled up with all these things going on the Internet commercially.</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">O, Smart Ted, to disintegrate in burning wreckage betimes away </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">from tubes where glory does not stay </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">because those tubes can be filled, they’re not a big truck </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">not something you just dump something on.</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Grand juries can no more touch you now </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Than East Coast lawyers can through Alaska’s icy tundras plow</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Because they are effete.</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Godspeed, Senator. </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Godspeed.</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Also, I call not it on being eaten first.</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><i><b><span class="Apple-style-span">and additionally...</span></b></i></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><i><b><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></b></i></span></p> <p><b><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Dulce et Decorum Est Pro Loko Mori </span></span></b><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">or, </span></span><b><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Nanny State 911 and the Four Lokos of the Apocalypse</span></span></b></p><p><b><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></b></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">They came first for the 180-proof Everclear, </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">and I didn't speak up because I wasn’t an alcoholic.</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Then they came for the absinthe, </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a fancy French guy</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">.</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Then they came for the Jews, </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">and I didn't speak up because I didn’t like Manischewitz.</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Then they came for the Four Loko </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">and by that time no one was left to speak up.</span></span></p><div><br /></div>
Kilmer 2010: Second Runner-Up ("T")http://www.columbia.edu/cu/philo/phlog/2011/01/kilmer-2010-second-runner-up-t/2011-01-03T04:09:00Z2011-01-03T04:09:00Z
<p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><b>T</b></span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><i>by</i> Misha Solomon CC'14</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">There is a stove in the kitchen </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">There is a kettle on the stove T</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">here is water in the kettle </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">The water is getting hot</span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">So very hot </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">So very hot </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">So very hot </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">So very loud </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span">goes the water</span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">There is a counter in the kitchen </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">There is a marble countertop on the counter </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">There is a mug on the marble countertop </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I pour the water</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">The water which had gone weeeeeeeeee </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Into the mug</span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I look deep into the water </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">And I see you</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">You are the water </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">You are so pure </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">So necessary </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">So clear</span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">So wet</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">The water is one part oxygen </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">You are a breath of fresh air </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">The water is two parts hydrogen</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">You use peroxide in your hair</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">But you are missing something</span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">There is a pantry in the kitchen</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">There is a shelf in the pantry</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">There is a box of teabags on the shelf </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I take out a teabag</span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">And put it in the tea</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I put my teabag in the tea.</span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I give the water</span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">So plain </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">So bland </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">So flavorless </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">So odorless </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">So colorless </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">So watery </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I give it flavor </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I give it color </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I am the teabag</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">And I realize what you are missing</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">You are just water </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">But you need to be tea </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">You need flavor </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">You need color </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">You need odor </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">You need my teabag </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Inside you</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I need to put my teabag inside of you </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Deep inside your watery self</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">You need my teabag </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I need to teabag you. </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">We need to make tea.</span></span></p>
Kilmer 2010: Third Runner-Up ("Stiletto Boot on the Side of the Highway")http://www.columbia.edu/cu/philo/phlog/2011/01/kilmer-2010-third-runner-up-stiletto/2011-01-03T04:00:00Z2011-01-03T04:00:00Z
<p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><b>Stiletto Boot On The Side Of The Highway </b></span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><i>by</i> Juliana Strawn BC ʻ14</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Stiletto boot on the side of the highway </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Like my soul. </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Broken, dirty, missing a strap.</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">O, my soul. </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Am I nothing more than an old stiletto </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">tossed aside on the road?</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Are my sins visible </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">like a broken stiletto heel? </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Could a beaver live inside me? </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Is there any hope for life </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">in my broken, broken soul?</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Despite my Grandfatherʼs protests, </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I stop the car </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">and pull over on the side of the road.</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">The door creaks when I open it. </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Creak creak. </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">M</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span">y soul creaks when I open it. </span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span">Creak creak.</span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I need to oil it </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span">so it wonʼt creak.</span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I pick up the stiletto boot. </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">My soul. </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I sniff it. </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Is it empty?</span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">No! </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span">There is a family of worms in it! </span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">There is life in my soul!</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I take the stiletto to my grandfather. </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">How can this bitter old man understand my awakening? </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I place the stiletto boot in his lap. </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">He cautiously picks it up </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">and tentatively eats part of it. </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">A hunger for knowledge. </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I think he understands.</span></span></p>
Kilmer 2010: Dishonourable Mention ("Oh, the Sex You'll Have!")http://www.columbia.edu/cu/philo/phlog/2011/01/kilmer-2010-dishonourable-mention-oh/2011-01-03T03:54:00Z2011-01-03T03:54:00Z
<p><b><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Oh, The Sex You’ll Have!</span></span></b></p> <p><i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">(with apologies to Dr. Seuss)</span></span></i></p><p><i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></i></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><i>by</i> Samantha Kuperberg, BC ‘10</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Congratulations! </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Today is your day. </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">You’re off to Great Sex! </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">You’re off and away!</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">With your brain in your head </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">And your dick in a box </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">You’ll do it on a boat </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">With a goat</span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">And a fox!</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">You’ll have oodles and noodles and poodles of sex </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">In a fying car! </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Atop a T-Rex! </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">On a large metal tanker</span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">On a whitewashed fence </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">On a stack of bibles </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">In the biblical sense</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">You’ll try new positions </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Like “Cat in the Hat” </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Or “Yertle the Turtle” </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">If you’re into that.</span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">A three-way, a four-way, a five-way or twelve </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">An orgy, a floorgy—you’re sure to excel!</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Except when you don’t. </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Because, sometimes, you won’t.</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">You may wear twenty condoms </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">But despite how you try </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">You can get an STD </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Or worse—an STI!</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">There are bumps and lumps in store for you </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Herpes, the clap, and syphilis, too!</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">And maybe a baby—you silly dunce: </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Condoms are great—but not twenty at once!</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">You can get so confused </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">They said they were clean </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">And that you were sexy </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">And that they were 18</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">You can start to run down </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">At a break-necking pace </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Headed, I fear, toward a most useless place:</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">The Waiting place.</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Waiting for a train to go </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Or a bus to come. </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Waiting for a syphilis test </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Or Babeland to open</span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Or a call back </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">From the clinic </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">With your syphilis test. </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Everyone just waiting.</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Waiting for the mail to come </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Or a bus to go </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Or those syphilis results...</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">They’d—they’d call if there was something wrong, right? </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I mean, like, they wouldn’t wait this long if it was positive, right? Right? </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Everyone just waiting.</span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">No! That’s not you!</span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">You’ll rush right back in </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Once more you’ll ride high</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Using two kinds of lube </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">’Cause you’re that kind of guy</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">You’ll use whips and chains </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">You’ll show them your stuff </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">It’s as if you’re Duffman </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">A</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span">nd your sex is Duff</span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">And do give directions </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">If they’re planning to drive </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">You want them to come </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">But, also, arrive.</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Oh, the sex you’ll have! </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span">There is fun to be done! </span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">You’ll go straight past first, </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span">and score a home run! </span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span">And when you’re out there, </span><span class="Apple-style-span">with your bat and your ball, </span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">You will have sexy sex—the sexiest of all.</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Fame! You’ll be famous—not a bit, but the most </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Remember your time with that fox and that goat? </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">You’ll be on display from sea to sea</span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">With the whole wide world watching on TV </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">The late-night HBO special titled “Three’s Company”—</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Except when they don’t. </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Because, sometimes, they won’t.</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I’m afraid that sometimes </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">You’ll play lonely games, too, </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">With a bottle of lotion </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">And a sock ... but no shoe.</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">All alone! </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Though it’s quite unintentional </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">All of your ladies </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Have become two-dimensional.</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">And when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">You’ll meet things that scare you back into your pants.</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">But on you will go </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Though your ego is scarred </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">On you will go </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Though it’s long ... and it’s hard. </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">You’ll take it all in </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">You’ll fill up your cup </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">’Cause Philos don’t abstain—</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">They’re just hard up.</span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">On you will go </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">You will hike through the night </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">With just your canteen </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">And your trusty fleshlight</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Ninety-eight metrick fucktons guaranteed.</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Kid, you’ll hike the Appalachian trail!</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">So, be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Merman </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Or Jacob Mohammed Siddhartha O’Sherman </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">You’re off to great sex! Today is your day!</span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Your maintain is waiting— Now go and get laid.</span></span></p>
Kilmer 2010: Dishonourable Mention ("Love Song for the Transportation Security Administration")http://www.columbia.edu/cu/philo/phlog/2011/01/kilmer-2010-dishonourable-mention-love_02/2011-01-03T03:18:00Z2011-01-03T03:18:00Z
<p><b><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Love Song for the Transportation Security Administration</span></span></b></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><i>by</i> Joshua Schwartz</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Softly, like the lingering touches of a dream-love, </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Your not unwanted fingers slowly inch themselves past </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">My waistband, and haltingly down—</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span">Down—</span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">To the space reserved just for you (and, possibly, foreign weapon-grade material) </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Your fingers move in fits and starts; </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">What are you searching for down there? </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Is it my heart? Because that you already have. </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I wore my sexiest pair of shapeless sweatpants for you—</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">No belts, no metal flies or buttons—</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I don’t want anything to impede our love. </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">The other passengers in line look on impatiently, their breathing heavy. </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">They cannot wait to have their turn, </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">To have their rendez-vous with romance, their date with destiny. </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Long have I admired you from afar, you: </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">With your brilliant blue shirt and imperial attitude—</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">You love playing hard to get, and it just makes me want you more. </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Oh, grope me, grope me, Mr. TSA Man! </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Make me a man with your invasive and unexpected touch. </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I saw you giving me the once-over—now look me all over with your FULL BODY SCANNER. </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I want you to see everything. I don’t want there to be secrets between us. </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I am not hiding anything from you—just check. </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">You asked me to step over to the side, and I was thrilled. </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I knew you wanted some special alone time with me </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">(Tho’ I saw some dogs around here, and I don’t think I’d be into that). </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">What excuse did you use to make this happen? </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">The only weapon I was carrying was one that I cannot remove, if you know what I mean. </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">When you told me, “I am going to put my hands down your pants,” I felt such a thrill. </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Some people like courtship, but I like a man who cuts right to the chase. </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I like a man who is bold, confident, and willing to touch hundreds of </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Varieties of genitals daily without blinking an eye. </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Oh, please tell me mine are your favorites. </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">And to those critics out there who think this is a </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Gross violation of our civil liberties, </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I only have this to say: It works. It’s effective. </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">He touched my genitals, and now I’m flying. </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Oh, how I love you, Mr. TSA man. </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">You with your dextrous fingers and complete disregard for basic privacy. </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I want to kick off my laceless shoes and walk calmy but quickly... </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">All over, just speaking in firm but not extraneously loud tones </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Of our love. I know loving you is not duty-free, but I am willing </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">To live up to the responsibility.</span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">————</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Oh. Oh no. </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">They are moving me along. They are handing me back my things. </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I thought we had reached that stage in the relationship </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">When I would leave my things with </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">you</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">: my belt, a change of clothes, </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">My toothpaste. </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">But no. And now you’re gone. </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">And all I can think is how to see you again. </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">How to feel your latex-clad fingers all over my body.</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I know: I’ll bring a bottle of wine and pack it in my bag for us to share. </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">And when the guards come to take me away ... to you, </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I’ll scream: No! </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I’m not a terrorist. I’m just in love.</span></span></p><div><br /></div>