pages tagged there goes my childhoodPhilowixianhttp://www.columbia.edu/cu/philo/tags/there_goes_my_childhood/Philowixianikiwiki2017-05-12T04:38:11ZKilmer 2010: Dishonourable Mention ("Oh, the Sex You'll Have!")http://www.columbia.edu/cu/philo/phlog/2011/01/kilmer-2010-dishonourable-mention-oh/2011-01-03T03:54:00Z2011-01-03T03:54:00Z
<p><b><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Oh, The Sex You’ll Have!</span></span></b></p> <p><i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">(with apologies to Dr. Seuss)</span></span></i></p><p><i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></i></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><i>by</i> Samantha Kuperberg, BC ‘10</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Congratulations! </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Today is your day. </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">You’re off to Great Sex! </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">You’re off and away!</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">With your brain in your head </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">And your dick in a box </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">You’ll do it on a boat </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">With a goat</span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">And a fox!</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">You’ll have oodles and noodles and poodles of sex </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">In a fying car! </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Atop a T-Rex! </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">On a large metal tanker</span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">On a whitewashed fence </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">On a stack of bibles </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">In the biblical sense</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">You’ll try new positions </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Like “Cat in the Hat” </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Or “Yertle the Turtle” </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">If you’re into that.</span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">A three-way, a four-way, a five-way or twelve </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">An orgy, a floorgy—you’re sure to excel!</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Except when you don’t. </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Because, sometimes, you won’t.</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">You may wear twenty condoms </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">But despite how you try </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">You can get an STD </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Or worse—an STI!</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">There are bumps and lumps in store for you </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Herpes, the clap, and syphilis, too!</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">And maybe a baby—you silly dunce: </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Condoms are great—but not twenty at once!</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">You can get so confused </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">They said they were clean </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">And that you were sexy </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">And that they were 18</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">You can start to run down </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">At a break-necking pace </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Headed, I fear, toward a most useless place:</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">The Waiting place.</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Waiting for a train to go </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Or a bus to come. </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Waiting for a syphilis test </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Or Babeland to open</span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Or a call back </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">From the clinic </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">With your syphilis test. </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Everyone just waiting.</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Waiting for the mail to come </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Or a bus to go </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Or those syphilis results...</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">They’d—they’d call if there was something wrong, right? </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I mean, like, they wouldn’t wait this long if it was positive, right? Right? </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Everyone just waiting.</span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">No! That’s not you!</span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">You’ll rush right back in </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Once more you’ll ride high</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Using two kinds of lube </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">’Cause you’re that kind of guy</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">You’ll use whips and chains </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">You’ll show them your stuff </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">It’s as if you’re Duffman </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">A</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span">nd your sex is Duff</span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">And do give directions </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">If they’re planning to drive </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">You want them to come </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">But, also, arrive.</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Oh, the sex you’ll have! </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span">There is fun to be done! </span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">You’ll go straight past first, </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span">and score a home run! </span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span">And when you’re out there, </span><span class="Apple-style-span">with your bat and your ball, </span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">You will have sexy sex—the sexiest of all.</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Fame! You’ll be famous—not a bit, but the most </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Remember your time with that fox and that goat? </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">You’ll be on display from sea to sea</span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">With the whole wide world watching on TV </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">The late-night HBO special titled “Three’s Company”—</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Except when they don’t. </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Because, sometimes, they won’t.</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I’m afraid that sometimes </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">You’ll play lonely games, too, </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">With a bottle of lotion </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">And a sock ... but no shoe.</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">All alone! </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Though it’s quite unintentional </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">All of your ladies </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Have become two-dimensional.</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">And when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">You’ll meet things that scare you back into your pants.</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">But on you will go </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Though your ego is scarred </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">On you will go </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Though it’s long ... and it’s hard. </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">You’ll take it all in </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">You’ll fill up your cup </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">’Cause Philos don’t abstain—</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">They’re just hard up.</span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">On you will go </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">You will hike through the night </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">With just your canteen </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">And your trusty fleshlight</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Ninety-eight metrick fucktons guaranteed.</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Kid, you’ll hike the Appalachian trail!</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">So, be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Merman </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Or Jacob Mohammed Siddhartha O’Sherman </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">You’re off to great sex! Today is your day!</span></span></p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Your maintain is waiting— Now go and get laid.</span></span></p>