Kilmer 2010: Dishonourable Mention ("Oh, the Sex You'll Have!")

Mon, 03 Jan 2011 03:54:00 -0800

Oh, The Sex You’ll Have!

(with apologies to Dr. Seuss)

by Samantha Kuperberg, BC ‘10

Congratulations!

Today is your day.

You’re off to Great Sex!

You’re off and away!

With your brain in your head

And your dick in a box

You’ll do it on a boat

With a goat

And a fox!

You’ll have oodles and noodles and poodles of sex

In a fying car!

Atop a T-Rex!

On a large metal tanker

On a whitewashed fence

On a stack of bibles

In the biblical sense

You’ll try new positions

Like “Cat in the Hat”

Or “Yertle the Turtle”

If you’re into that.

A three-way, a four-way, a five-way or twelve

An orgy, a floorgy—you’re sure to excel!

Except when you don’t.

Because, sometimes, you won’t.

You may wear twenty condoms

But despite how you try

You can get an STD

Or worse—an STI!

There are bumps and lumps in store for you

Herpes, the clap, and syphilis, too!

And maybe a baby—you silly dunce:

Condoms are great—but not twenty at once!

You can get so confused

They said they were clean

And that you were sexy

And that they were 18

You can start to run down

At a break-necking pace

Headed, I fear, toward a most useless place:

The Waiting place.

Waiting for a train to go

Or a bus to come.

Waiting for a syphilis test

Or Babeland to open

Or a call back

From the clinic

With your syphilis test.

Everyone just waiting.

Waiting for the mail to come

Or a bus to go

Or those syphilis results...

They’d—they’d call if there was something wrong, right?

I mean, like, they wouldn’t wait this long if it was positive, right? Right?

Everyone just waiting.

No! That’s not you!

You’ll rush right back in

Once more you’ll ride high

Using two kinds of lube

’Cause you’re that kind of guy

You’ll use whips and chains

You’ll show them your stuff

It’s as if you’re Duffman

And your sex is Duff

And do give directions

If they’re planning to drive

You want them to come

But, also, arrive.

Oh, the sex you’ll have! There is fun to be done!

You’ll go straight past first, and score a home run!

And when you’re out there, with your bat and your ball,

You will have sexy sex—the sexiest of all.

Fame! You’ll be famous—not a bit, but the most

Remember your time with that fox and that goat?

You’ll be on display from sea to sea

With the whole wide world watching on TV

The late-night HBO special titled “Three’s Company”—

Except when they don’t.

Because, sometimes, they won’t.

I’m afraid that sometimes

You’ll play lonely games, too,

With a bottle of lotion

And a sock ... but no shoe.

All alone!

Though it’s quite unintentional

All of your ladies

Have become two-dimensional.

And when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance

You’ll meet things that scare you back into your pants.

But on you will go

Though your ego is scarred

On you will go

Though it’s long ... and it’s hard.

You’ll take it all in

You’ll fill up your cup

’Cause Philos don’t abstain—

They’re just hard up.

On you will go

You will hike through the night

With just your canteen

And your trusty fleshlight

And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed!

Ninety-eight metrick fucktons guaranteed.

Kid, you’ll hike the Appalachian trail!

So, be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Merman

Or Jacob Mohammed Siddhartha O’Sherman

You’re off to great sex! Today is your day!

Your maintain is waiting— Now go and get laid.

pages tagged there goes my childhood

Kilmer 2010: Dishonourable Mention ("Oh, the Sex You'll Have!")