We the Maggots of Columbia College, Barnard College, The School of Engineering and Applied Science, The School of General Studies, and the various Graduate Facilities, in order to form more perfect chords, establish humor, ensure the absence of tranquility, provide for the common entertainment, promote the basketball team and secure attendance at football games, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the Cleverest Band in the World, the Columbia University Marching Band.

Article the First: Those who have purchased one of those sexy, chic and oh-so-stylin', four-color, 100% cotton, pre-shrunk, made in the U.S.A. Marching Band T-shirts on sale under the stands in Section G at all home games, participated in at least one official performance and suffered through the portentous rites of Band initiation are considered fully fledged members of said Marching Band. Members must be either male or female ( strap-on genitalia acceptable, but not provided). The Membership of the Marching Band shall provide for the election of the following officers at some date after the second-to-last football game and before the last football game. The Managing Bored is comprised of these officers. Whoever gets the most votes wins, no majority is needed. The Drum Major shall assume his or her duties before the last game, while all others assume their duties following this game.

Drum Major: Wave your arms. Tights optional.

Spirit: To maintain the Oral Tradition (and we mean oral) at Band events.

Article the Second: To insure the originality of Band Humor, there will be no sanctioned excerpts from Monty Python, Tom Lehrer, or "This is Spinal Tap." While top-ten lists are permitted in times of extreme dearth of cleverness, they may not contain the phrase "From the Home Office..."

Article the Third: The Band will sing on all bus rides. Nothing will open before the bus reaches 125th street.

Article the Fourth: The Band will play "I Hear You Knocking, but You Can't Come In" at least once in each half-time show.

Article the Fifth: -The Band will surf during the percussive interlude in "Wipeout."

Article the Sixth: Headgear of no kind shall be worn during the official performance of either the "Star Spangled Banner" or "Sans Souci." Yarmulkes are considered headgear.

Article the Seventh: The Band will perform the night before the Organic Chemistry Final at midnight in the College Reading Room of Butler Library, the Van Am Quad, the Barnard Quad and Furnald Lawn.

Article the Eighth: The Brown Band is cool. Harvard, Yale, Penn and Princeton need to loosen up. Dartmouth needs to sober up. Cornell needs an enema.

Article the Ninth: Stew Leonard's should be visited at least once on each trip to the North of New York City. Take I-95 to exit 15 (from the South) or 16 (from the North), follow the signs to Route l, and look for the Cow that goes "Moo!".

Article the Tenth: You may be winning, but you suck as people.

Article the Eleventh: Membership may be revoked for lucking with the

Jazz Band's piano. Managing Bored positions may be revoked for blatant displays of apathy.

Article the Twelfth: The bass drum does not fit through the revolving turnstile-gate-thing at the 215th street subway station.

We the Maggots of Columbia College, Barnard College, The School of Engineering and Applied Science, The School of General Studies, and the various Graduate Facilities, in order to form more perfect chords, establish humor, ensure the absence of tranquility, provide for the common entertainment, promote the basketball team and secure attendance at football games, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the Cleverest Band in the World, the Columbia University Marching Band.

Article the First: Those who have purchased one of those sexy, chic and oh-so-stylin', four-color, 100% cotton, pre-shrunk, made in the U.S.A. Marching Band T-shirts on sale under the stands in Section G at all home games, participated in at least one official performance and suffered through the portentous rites of Band initiation are considered fully fledged members of said Marching Band. Members must be either male or female ( strap-on genitalia acceptable, but not provided). The Membership of the Marching Band shall provide for the election of the following officers at some date after the second-to-last football game and before the last football game. The Managing Bored is comprised of these officers. Whoever gets the most votes wins, no majority is needed. The Drum Major shall assume his or her duties before the last game, while all others assume their duties following this game.

Drum Major: Wave your arms. Tights optional.

Spirit: To maintain the Oral Tradition (and we mean oral) at Band events.

Article the Second: To insure the originality of Band Humor, there will be no sanctioned excerpts from Monty Python, Tom Lehrer, or "This is Spinal Tap." While top-ten lists are permitted in times of extreme dearth of cleverness, they may not contain the phrase "From the Home Office..."

Article the Third: The Band will sing on all bus rides. Nothing will open before the bus reaches 125th street.

Article the Fourth: The Band will play "I Hear You Knocking, but You Can't Come In" at least once in each half-time show.

Article the Fifth: -The Band will surf during the percussive interlude in "Wipeout."

Article the Sixth: Headgear of no kind shall be worn during the official performance of either the "Star Spangled Banner" or "Sans Souci." Yarmulkes are considered headgear.

Article the Seventh: The Band will perform the night before the Organic Chemistry Final at midnight in the College Reading Room of Butler Library, the Van Am Quad, the Barnard Quad and Furnald Lawn.

Article the Eighth: The Brown Band is cool. Harvard, Yale, Penn and Princeton need to loosen up. Dartmouth needs to sober up. Cornell needs an enema.

Article the Ninth: Stew Leonard's should be visited at least once on each trip to the North of New York City. Take I-95 to exit 15 (from the South) or 16 (from the North), follow the signs to Route l, and look for the Cow that goes "Moo!".

Article the Tenth: You may be winning, but you suck as people.

Article the Eleventh: Membership may be revoked for lucking with the

Jazz Band's piano. Managing Bored positions may be revoked for blatant displays of apathy.

Article the Twelfth: The bass drum does not fit through the revolving turnstile-gate-thing at the 215th street subway station.