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Sunday, September 7th at 9 PM
Lerner 5th Floor- Broadway side (near the elevators)
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In This Issue
- Students Wrestle for Squid God
- Summer Job Pays to Choke Chickens
- Dolphins: Not Just for Sex Anymore
- Letters to the Feditrix
- The Confessions of a Burgeoning, Fecund Fury
- Suicides Are Fun for Those Who Don't Participate
- Military + Animals = Hours of Deadly Fun
- When Will Columbia Girls Go Not Ugly?
- You Wouldn't Know Hot Ass Even If You Bit Mine
- Necrophilia: Hey, It's Not Like They Mind
- Columbia Hipsters Leave Brooklyn to Strut Stuff
- Want Me!!!!
- I'm Still Drunk After All These Years
- He's Like Larry Flint, but Super Gay
- At Least the Fed Thinks I'm Cool...
- An End to the Planet
- Steve and Cornelius Are Now Chicks, Like to Play with Own Va-Jay-Jays
- Building a Bomb to Put in the Fed's Open Arms
- Oedipus Family Circus
- The Staff of 18.9
- THEY WATCH
THEY WATCH
For many years now, THEY WATCH has delighted and entertained millions of families across this great nation. But the cruelest THEY of all, the THEY of THEYs, has reared its ugly head, and this precious column's fate now hangs in the balance. The Federal Government has refused to supply THEY WATCH with any more financial aid, and thus the writer has been forced into the much-delayed retirement that is graduation. What will become of THEY WATCH? Won't some pure and righteous soul with a better credit rating rise up and accept the challenge that is THEY WATCH? A life of servitude awaits, but so do the thanks of a grateful nation. In any event, here are the final THEY's from this administration. These are the big ones, especially picked for this occassion. Be warned...
1) Plagued with self-doubt, hesitation, and a sense of powerlessness? Well, it's not the suspect potato salad talking. And it's not the oppressive power of suggestion of the evil shadowy rulers trying to keep you down. No, I hate to tell you this, you spineless twerp, but You = THEY!
2) Balls to you flag-waving honkies, I will say what I damn well please in my country. "America: love it or leave it" = THEY!
3) There's just something about members of the United States Congress banding together to pressure a private university to fire one of its faculty members because he made "un-American" remarks. What is that something? Oh, right, un-American thinking. Congressmen who think they're czars = THEY!
4) I'd really rather not get into this too in-depth, but I just want to get it out there. You can move along. Certain Age-of-Consent Laws = THEY!