LEXICON OF THE CLICHES, BANALITIES AND TRUISMS OF INDIAN JOURNALISM

Conceived by Nikhil Rao and Shekhar Krishnan

Contributions by David Clingingsmith, Aaron York, Eric Beverley, Arvind Rajagopal, Vaishnavi Chandrashekhar, Namita Devidayal, Shailaja Neelakanthan, Anagha Neelakanthan, Rajeev Rao, Avtar Singh, Rohan Sippy, Rohena Gera, Rochona Mazumdar, Paul Beban, Sanjay Bulchandani

Introduction by Nikhil Rao, 18 August 2000

If further proof is needed that we scholarly types have time on our hands and idle intellectual itches that need to be scratched, then here it is.

For a while now, Shekhar and I have been engaged in a great philological project, our very own 21st century Hobson Jobson, as it were: that of compiling a lexicon of the marvellous cliches, truisms, banalities, and other little idiosyncrasies that litter the pages of our Great Indian Newspapers. While these necessarily assault one's finer sensibilities on a sustained basis during the act of reading, leading to a sensation not unlike receiving minor but unpleasant electric shocks while trying to enjoy one's paper with one's morning coffee, I think we would like to advance the argument that it is these very cliches that impart to Indian newspapers their own inimical character. And in the spirit of our great democracy, which we celebrated and revivified only three days ago, we thought that we should make this project of compiling the lexicon a public one.

What more fitting public project could there be? Who among us has not winced upon hearing, for the two thousandth time, that the Mumbai police force is "second only to Scotland Yard"? Here is a way for all of us to vent our frustrations while at the same time productively harnessing that energy to compile a document which, I believe, will endure for posterity. I want all of you to "pitch in", to "leap into the fray", to "throw in your two pence worth". Let us celebrate the magnificent and underappreciated art of cliche. All text for all news in the English print media in India is essentially generated out of these words. Feel free to add, append, and modify the lexicon and the master paragraph below.

The Lexicon

   1. confabulate: to confer. "The party leaders confabulated about the new agreement."
   2. work out the modalities: sort out the details. "The party leaders confabulated about working out the modalities of the new agreement."
   3. supremo: head dude. "The party supremos confabulated about working out the modalities of the new agreement."
   4. brigand: bad dude. "The Karnataka and Tamil Nadu supremos confabulated about working out the modalities of the new agreement with the forest brigand."
   5. crack sleuths: smart dudes. "The Karnataka and Tamil Nadu supremos confabulated with the Special Task Force's crack sleuths about working out the modalities of the new agreement with the forest brigand."
   6. strongman: big dude. "The Karnataka and Tamil Nadu supremos, in consultation with the Maratha strongman, confabulated with the Special Task Force's crack sleuths about working out the modalities of the new agreement with the forest brigand."
   7. hardened criminals: tough dudes
   8. airdash: to move at other than usual glacial pace. "The Karnataka and Tamil Nadu supremos, in consultation with the Maratha strongman, confabulated with the Special Task Force's crack sleuths about working out the modalities of the new agreement with the forest brigand. The PM himself has been airdashed in."
   9. beefed up security: more bodies, but not necessarily more security. "The Karnataka and Tamil Nadu supremos, in consultation with the Maratha strongman, confabulated with the Special Task Force's crack sleuths about working out the modalities of the new agreement with the forest brigand. The PM himself has been airdashed in under conditions of beefed up security."
  10. second only to Scotland Yard: usually cited while hailing the work of the Mumbai Police; the subtext is that they're not anymore
  11. swing into action: to finally stop drinking chai and reluctantly get off your ass.
  12. swoop down upon: "The Karnataka and Tamil Nadu supremos, in consultation with the Maratha strongman, confabulated with the Special Task Force's crack sleuths about working out the modalities of the new agreement with the forest brigand. The PM himself has been airdashed in under conditions of beefed up security. Meanwhile the Mumbai police force, second only to Scotland Yard and having been called in to assist with the situation, have now swung into action and are ready to swoop down upon the brigand and his associates."
  13. nab: seize
  14. flying squads of nuisance detectors: These are the Mumbai Police's intrepid stalwarts who have been relentlessly patrolling the city enforcing the B.M.C's recent ban on plastic bags of less than 20 microns thickness.
  15. abscond: to evade police.
  16. scam: normal conditions of doing business in South Asia.
  17. to the tune of Rs 10 crores: estimated dimensions of scam.
  18. point the finger of suspicion
  19. stung by criticism: react to weary but yet admirably persistent public outrage.
  20. take stock of the situation: to pretend to give a shit.
  21. take umbrage: to give a shit.
  22. take up cudgels on behalf of: to stand up for.
  23. cuddling and fondling: [this, we must admit, we have never seen, but Aaron assures us that he has seen newsprint to the effect of "Madan Lal Khurana and Sahib Singh Verma were seen cuddling and fondling in post-election bliss."]
  24. fracas, also known as dustup: most often seen in close conjunction with unseemly. often applied to parliament and other herdings of political animals.
  25. inveterate, sometimes confused on sub-editor's desk with invertebrate so one can find references to 'invertebrate followers of the political scene.'
  26. the India Today ending, also sometimes the TOI edit page ending, which always takes the form of a rhetorical question, e.g.,
         1. is anyone listening?
         2. have the ends of justice been served, that is the question
         3. only time will tell (that old tattletale)... ad infinitum
  27. the ends of justice scattered all over, especially in the Calcutta journals. where are the beginnings of justice? doesn't anyone care? is anyone accountable for the beginnings of justice? Is that the question?
  28. Eves and Romeos: young women and men, most often seen together in the context of roadside Romeos being accused of Eve-teasing.
  29. hardcores, ultras and clean shaven culprits associated with the Punjab action and other trouble spots.
  30. hot pursuit: recently-much-in-the-news
  31. the classic epitaph/retirement speech phrase: so and so must receive kudos for having rendered yeoman service to such and such.
  32. prepone
  33. the enigmatically enhanced pressurise
  34. cooling their heels in the lockup
 

[edit]
The Ur Paragraph of Indian Journalism

The Karnataka and Tamil Nadu supremos, in consultation with the Maratha strongman, confabulated with the Special Task Force's (S.T.F.) crack sleuths about working out the modalities of the new agreement with the forest brigand. The PM himself has been airdashed in under conditions of beefed up security. Meanwhile the Mumbai police force (M.P.F.), second only to Scotland Yard (S.Y.) and having been called in to assist with the situation, have now swung into action and are ready to swoop down upon the brigand and his associates.

In other news today, a flying squad of nuisance detectors (F.S.N.D.) managed to nab red-handed three hardened criminals who have been remorselessly violating the ban on plastic bags (B.O.P.B.). Two other associates in the plastic bag scam (P.B.S.) are believed to be absconding in Delhi. Meanwhile, the Bombay Municipal Corporation (B.M.C.), stung by criticisms alleging that it is involved in the scam, has promised to take stock of the situation. The municipal workers union (M.W.U.) has taken umbrage at the allegations and has vowed to take up cudgels on behalf of their comrades in the flying squads. The scam is rumoured to involve sums to the tune of Rs. 10 crores.

Border Security Force (B.S.F.) cadres have been placed on red alert at the latest trouble spot (L.T.S.) on the Indo-Pak border following anti-national activities being engaged in by a band of hardcores. Highly placed sources at South Block (H.P.S.S.B.) point the finger of suspicion (F.O.S.) at a sinister foreign hand (S.F.H.) for sowing discord. Since the leaders of this band of ultras have been cooling their heels in the lockup of late, the most recent anti-social activities are probably intended to pressurize the government into preponing the date of their release. Kudos to our B.S.F. boys for having rendered yeoman service in putting a lid on this situation. In related news, an unseemly fracas broke out in Parliament today while Members were "debating" the latest border situation. The issue at stake was a recent master plan that has been mooted by doyens of the Indian security establishment and that is intended to quash all manner of anti-social elements operating in backward areas. Inveterate watchers of the political scene shook their collective head in dismay. Will our leaders ever learn to lead? Will the ends of justice be served? Only time will tell.