The Further Continuation of Zubaida Khatun's Story
"When I had learned to sew
and to cook, and my mother was satisfied that I was equal to any task—she
had seen me cook various dishes, not once, but twenty times over, and
she had seen that I could stitch, baste, and do all kinds of embroidery—she
called me one day and said: 'Listen, little mother./1/
People learn skills either willingly or unwillingly; they work either
because they want to, or because someone forces them to. What is done
genuinely and from the heart will never be depressing. But what is thrust
upon one unwillingly always seems difficult. Today, you are in your
parents' home and you hardly have to lift a finger if you don't want
to. You just have to summon a servant and your every wish is fulfilled.
You eat whatever you like; you dress as you desire; you go to bed and
get up when you want to, and no one stops you. However, I must warn
you that you will not always live in your parents' home. Who knows where
you or we will be in the future? Life is short, and what holds true
for today will not be so tomorrow.
"'When you marry, whether we
live on or not will make no difference. Who knows whether you will go
to a rich home or a poor one?/2/
But even if you go to a rich home, you will not have as few worries
as you have now. If you have a mother-in-law and sister-in-law, it will
only be temporary. The sister-in-law will inevitably marry and move
away, and then where will you be? Then there is the whole question of
relations with your mother-in-law. People say that the mother-in-law
and daughter-in-law can never get along, but of course, one's parents
and in-laws do not live forever. Then there is your husband, but you
will not get much help from him, because what do men know of household
matters? So eventually you will have to cope with everything on your
own.
"'Whether a girl is well-trained
or poorly trained in domestic management, she somehow gets by in her
parents' home, and it doesn't much matter. But God forbid that a girl
be thought ill-prepared by her in-laws! If your mother-in-law and sisters-in-law
are experts at home management, they will ridicule and criticize everything
you do. They will put the blame on your natal family. If they become
your enemies, as is their wont, they will harp on your faults to your
husband and alienate his affections from you. And if they are as stupid
and foolish as they say the bride is, the result will be that "in
four days a great edifice is brought to ruin."/3/
"'What I mean by telling you
this is that you would be wise to spend any time you have free from
your lessons in taking care of household arrangements. Now, you don't
have to sit for hours on end with Mughlani the seamstress or
go to the extent of taking all the cooking into your own hands. I am
certain that the most difficult problems of cooking and sewing will
present no problems for you. The outside expenses are the men's responsibility,
but I want you to take responsibility for the household expenses of
some 200 rupees per month. The household accounts should be done every
day. That is not too difficult a task, since I never buy on credit.
I always pay cash when I order things. In my opinion, if one has the
money, it is stupid to buy on credit. Then too, running up a bill is
something your father hates. When the month is over, make a clean copy
of the accounts for the entire month and show them to me.
"'Now run and see if there
are any servants loitering about and listening. No? Good. Now I am going
to tell you how to get things from the bazar day by day, so that those
wretched people don't pilfer things. They think it is their birth right
to keep aside four annas/4/
out of every rupee. As long as I was able to move about and my heart
was still strong, I was able to foil their plans, but now for a year
I have been an invalid. I can't get about as I used to and my memory
is failing. I want to say something, and something else comes out. Furthermore,
I hate arguments. So they can get away with anything. If they want to
take eight annas out of every rupee, there is no one to check: up on
them because no one is keeping proper accounts. My daughter! You must
take over all these arrangements. You should ask all those who come
to the house from outside (the water carrier, the sweeper woman, the
vegetable seller, the miller woman, the bangle-seller) what the current
market prices are. Ask them periodically, and when you detect a discrepancy
between the reported price and what you have spent, then chastize the
person who did the shopping. Get into the habit of buying those commodities
for which there is no fear of spoilage, like oil, ghi, spices,
gur, sugar, cardamoms, tobacco and lime for pan, either
when they are in season and cheap, or else buy them from month to month.
The remaining things, like fresh vegetables, meat, yoghurt, milk, have
to be bought on a daily basis. For those, it is not good always to send
the same person. Fortunately, there are a number of maidservants in
the house, and at the outer doorway there are two manservants. Vary
the person whom you send to do the shopping. That will keep the servants
on their toes. That leaves the grain, for which you do not need to concern
yourself, since we get supplies of wheat, dal, barley, corn,
etc. for the whole year from our lands. In addition, every day, morning
and evening, you should go to the store room and have all the flour,
dal, ghi, rice, etc. for that day's use weighed out
before you. You should have a good idea of how much is used in the house
on a daily basis. You should mete out enough for that day's needs. On
those days when something new is being cooked, or when you are sending
some food to another house, or when guests are expected, you should
increase the day's portion. From time to time you should go to the kitchen
and taste the salt, or peel vegetables, or fry the spice or something.
This too keeps the servants on their toes, so they will not get careless
in their work, and they will cook better. You too will get in the habit
of keeping track of things.
"'You should also have ten
kilos of grain husked every day and put into containers so it is ready
when the miller-woman comes. Weigh the grain you give her and also the
flour which you get back from her, and do the accounts and pay her on
a daily basis. You should also have the daily rations for the horses
and bullocks weighed out in your presence and sent out to them. When
the food is prepared and ready to serve, and your father comes in from
the men's quarters, go to the kitchen and have the food dished out in
front of you. First of all, you should send special food outside to
any male guests, and then you should lay the cloth for your father and
place the food before him with your own hands. Then help him to wash
his hands with the ewer and basin. When he has started to eat, leave
the maidservant there to serve him water to drink, and return to the
kitchen. If there are some pardah-observing women guests in
the house, take food to them and to your Ustani in the zanana,
and sit and eat with them. When there are no guests, then just eat with
Ustani-ji. You should also send ordinary food out to the menservants
and feed the maidservants inside. You should always cook enough bread
so that after everyone has been served, there is enough left over for
one extra person. Sometimes, guests will bring children with them, and
heaven only knows when they will get hungry and want something to eat!
You should also keep a little bit of partially prepared meat on hand,
since a guest might arrive at any time, and then you will only have
to worry about making bread.
"'When everyone has finished
eating, open the pan-dan and make pans for everyone.
For those eating outside in the men's quarters, put some in a khas-dan
and send out to them; for those inside, serve them yourself./5/
On special occasions, you should send food out to other houses. Make
sure it is properly wrapped and that the cloth is perfectly clean. When
sending pans out, make them plain, with less lime than usual,
and put a little tobacco in a separate container.
"'After all this, make sure
that the servant cleans all the utensils thoroughly and puts them back
in the storeroom, and be sure to get the utensils retinned at least
every two weeks, if not every week. Every second or third day you should
have the bottoms of the pans recoated with mud, and the chulhas/6/
replastered every ten days to two weeks. Every four months or so the
spice grinding stone should be rechiselled. You need to pay special
attention to the arrangements for water. The mouths of the water vessels
must be covered, and the ladles always kept next to them. Drinking water
should always be kept in a shady place. The vessels for stale water
should be kept separate from those for fresh water, and care must be
taken that fresh and stale water not be mixed. There are scores of illnesses
which arise from the mixing of water. Estimate the amount of oil needed
for the lamps in the passageways and the reception room, and make sure
you know when, and for how long, they burn, and that lamps never burn
unnecessarily. Once you have learned this, you should measure out the
oil each evening and give the job of filling the lamps to a trustworthy
servant.
"When you give the clothes
to the washerwoman you should count them, and when you get them back,
count them again, and if you can't remember such things, write it all
down. When giving the clothes, you should tie the men's and women's
clothes in separate bundles. You should also examine each item before
the washerwoman takes it, so that if she brings it back torn, she can't
claim that it was already torn when she got it. Every year you should
take all the clothes out into the sun several times and pay special
attention to clothes that are made of wool or silk. Before winter comes,
get out the winter clothes and see which ones are worn out and which
ones are still wearable. Quilts which need to be undone and new stuffing
put in them, or new covers made for them, should also be inspected and
put right before the cold weather. Any clothes that are all right, let
them be, but any that are old and torn should be set aside and given
to the servants. Make a list of the new cloth that needs to be ordered,
so that you don't have to send out to the bazaar for it several times.
The cotton stuffing from the old quilts should be used to make thin
quilts, or have it exchanged for new, and
then buy more new cotton stuffing as you need it.
"'In preparation for winter,
order four or five angithis/7/
from the potter. During the year, be sure to remind the maidservant
to save the coals from the kitchen fire every day and put them aside
in the storage area. If you do this regularly, then you will never have
to order charcoal for your angithis from the bazaar in the
winter. Similarly, when warm weather comes, you should get the house
whitewashed, get the punkas/8/
hung from the ceilings, attend to the garden, change the water vessels,
look after the clothes for the warm weather, and get the house repaired
before the monsoon. Get mud plastered on the thatched roofs, and get
the cracks filled in the masonry roofs. Get the gutters and downspouts
cleaned out and repaired. All these things need to be kept in mind.
"'The house should alway be
kept as neat as possible. Basins for used water should be emptied twice
a day. The vessels for ablutions before prayers should not leave the
prayer area. If any of the floor covering gets dirty, it should be changed
immediately. The first thing in the morning, the maidservant should
clean the inner rooms and the sweeper should sweep the whole house under
your supervision. Any furniture that gets broken should be sent out
to be repaired. Except during the monsoon, you should have the cot strings
tightened once every eight to ten days. Make sure that the maidservant
cleans the ashes out of the stove every day and puts them where the
sweepers can take them out with the trash. Daily, you should cut enough
betel nut so that if guests arrive at any time or if you have to send
pan out to as many as fifty guests, there will be enough cut.
It would be a great shame to be caught short at such times. Have the
maid clean out the pan-dan every morning. Some uncouth women
keep their pan-dans in such a state that one is disgusted to
look at them.
"'Keep aside something from
whatever is picked from the garden daily to send to other members of
the family and to neighbors. Whatever comes from the village lands,
such as mangoes, milk, sugar cane juice, should be shared in a similar
manner. Then keep as much as you need of what is left for household
use, and share the rest with the servants. Whenever guests come, look
after them as best as you can. Give them food, drink, places to sit
or sleep, tobacco, pan, whatever they need, so that they feel
no discomfort. Pay special attention to anyone who brings a child along.
You may have to send to the bazaar for something special for the children.
Ask them from time to time if they want anything to eat. Whenever a
new dish is cooked, send some to the neighbors, and never let a faqir
go away from your door empty-handed. The women who come to your house
every day bringing wares should feel welcome, but if new vendors turn
up, you should be a little wary of them and not be too open or informal
with them at first. Don't whisper in front of people; it is not nice.
Those within earshot will get suspicious. But if there is something
really worth keeping private, there is no harm in whispering. If you
don't get the chance every day, then certainly every second or third
day you should use dried fruit extract or scented oil cake/9/
to cleanse your hair, and take a bath. Keep your clothes as clean and
neat as possible. In other words, apart from seven or eight hours of
sleep, you should never waste a minute and should consider every second
as precious.
"'Oh, daughter! you are probably
wondering why I am preparing you for all these troubles, and feel that
I have put a tremendous burden on your shoulders. But please, don't
feel that way! You will know what hard work is like, and thus will be
prepared for the ups and downs of life. Listen! Human beings need to
be sure, first of all, what work God has intended for them, and then,
what their efforts will lead to after death, and how they can preserve
their honor in this world. There are those who say that they want to
spend their lives in leisure and luxury. Well, that is only a pipe dream.
A great holy man once said that those who seek leisure are looking for
something that doesn't exist. Whatever little leisure one does manage
to get is not dependent on wealth and property, or position and rank,
or laughter and conversation, or good food and clothing. A person gets
used to doing the amount of labor that is required of her, and thereafter,
doing that amount of work seems easy. She becomes so accustomed to working
that if for some reason she has to remain idle, she doesn't know what
to do with herself. The miller women who sit and grind all day, the
water carriers who bring two big vessels of water from the well, the
bangle sellers who use their eyes all day, the cowherds who make dung
cakes all day, and the peasants and laboring women who, in the extreme
heat of May and June, spend the whole day cultivating and harvesting—if
you could look into their hearts, you would find that they are happier
than the grandest of queens and noblewomen.
"'Your father tells the story
of a boy who, at the age of fourteen or fifteen, was convicted of some
crime and sentenced to prison for ten years. When his period of incarceration
was complete and he was brought before the judge, he pleaded: "If
your honor can grant me a boon, I would request you to send me back
to jail. Just as at first I was afraid of going to prison, so now I
am distressed at having to leave. If you set me free, I will just have
to go out and steal again in order to be sent back to jail." The
judge thereupon ordered that he be kept on as a servant in the jail,
and he spent the rest of his life there.
"'In a similar vein, your
father tells a story about a time when he went to the Punjab during
the hottest season of the year. One day,while traveling along during
the heat of the day, he stopped in the shade of a tree. Shortly thereafter,
a large palanquin arrived from the opposite direction. Eight bearers,
one water carrier, and two servants were traveling along with it. The
sides of the palanquin were curtained with khas,/10/
and the water carrier was throwing water against the curtains to keep
the interior cool. They stopped just ahead, where there was another
clump of shade trees opposite a well and a halvai's/11/
shop. The bearers set the palanquin down and quickly went to the well
to wash their faces and hands, and then bought some puris/12/
from the halvai's shop and sat in the sun to eat them. After
eating and drinking, they took out a small drum and began to play it
and sing. While your father was watching them from the opposite side
of the road, he heard such cries of distress issuing from within the
palanquin that he asked one of the servants whether there was a sick
person inside. He said: "No, sir! He is just distressed because
of the heat." Your father said to himself: "Good God! Those
men have carried that palanquin on their shoulders for God knows how
far, perhaps eight to ten kilometers, under a fierce sun, and bare-footed
on this rocky earth. And yet the bearers are sturdy enough so that they
can sit down and play the drum and sing with gusto. But the person sitting
inside the palanquin, who doesn't have to lift a finger or move his
foot to get about, who is seated inside there where the sun's rays cannot
penetrate, with curtains which keep the interior nice and cool and perfumed
with the lovely smell of khas, still complains that he is going
to die of the heat."
"'From that day forwards,
I realized that from rich to poor, and from kings to paupers, everyone
has an equal chance for happiness or unhappiness, but that men who work
hard are happier than the rich, who do not. But why go back that far
in time? More recently, when your uncle was an official in the municipal
court, he became so accustomed to working that he was at loose ends
on holidays. One day I asked him, "Brother! why do you sit around
so listlessly on holidays?" He said: "Sahib, I really don't
know, but I do know that on working days I am happy, and on days when
I have nothing to do, the evening never seems to come." In short,
my daughter! You should realize that leisure and ease are illusory,
and if a person chooses to work hard, he or she will find happiness
in that. The question remains, what sort of work will you choose? In
the hereafter, the only thing that remains are one's good deeds, but
in this world, she earns honor and prestige who makes her mother and
father, and her mother-in-law and father-in-law, happy. The husband
will then be satisfied and so will the sisters and brothers-in-law.
The brothers' wives will not be able to say anything against her. The
entire family will sing her praises; the neighbors will give their blessings;
so too will the servants. That is the meaning of my words to you. You
should know how to read, write, sew, do all the housework, and treat
everyone equitably. Right now, all this seems very hard to you, but
when you have done all these tasks for a month or two, you will find
that sitting idle will be extremely difficult. If you have no work of
your own you will take on a share of others' work.
"'My dear! The great benefit
of this is that a hard-working person is saved from a thousand vices.
To sit idle is like poison for a young woman. As long as a daughter
or daughter-in-law has her parents or in-laws around to supervise things,
it makes no significant difference whether she attends to her chores
or sits around doing nothing. But when she is independent and there
is no elder to guide her, if she is accustomed to hard work from childhood,
all will be well. If not, the proverb applies, "My husband is not
at home, and I am afraid of no one."/13/
Sitting idly and doing nothing, she will complain and abuse others.
Moreover, her children might be running about naked and unattended,
and she wouldn't pay any attention. The servants could loot the house,
and she wouldn't know about it. The roof could cave in, and it would
be all the same to her. The white floor covering could become soiled,
and she wouldn't care. People also say truly that in the home where
the wife pays no attention to her duties, there might be a thousand
servants, but they too would become lazy and good-for-nothing. God forbid
that you fall into evil company and adopt bad habits! In such a case,
God would be the only guardian of the honor of your parents and your
in-laws. My daughter! God gave woman a weak will, and the only remedy
for it is that she remain busy with household chores from one end of
the day to the other, and have no time to think of herself. If a woman
is lazy and also keeps bad company, there is no limit to the mischief
that can befall her. She who remains busy with her chores, whatever
bad company she encounters cannot influence her.
"'In addition to these considerations,
it is very healthy to move about and work. One's food does one more
good. The body remains in better condition. One doesn't fall ill as
often. One sleeps better at night. I am reminded of the story of Hakim
Luqman, who once told his son to sleep on bedding of the softest silks
and satins. His son replied that he could not afford such luxury. Luqman
then advised: "If you work hard all day, then at night, whether
you sleep on the ground or on a bare cot, it will seem as comfortable
as bedding of the softest silks and satins."'
"In short," said Zubaida
Khatun, "I have been summarizing all that my mother told me after
saying her evening prayers and continuing up until almost midnight.
She gave me all this advice in such a way that I immediately agreed
to it. After that, she gave me custody of the keys to all the linen
cabinets, storerooms, and chests, and said: 'Here, daughter, whatever
my rights and duties were, I give them to you. If I still had the power
to do so, I would repeat these lessons to you daily. I would check up
on you repeatedly, and whenever you got careless, would call attention
to your slips. But now my heart is not in it and my senses are weak.
Now you know your duty. If you do as I have told you, my prayers are
with you. Your contemporaries will praise you, and you will be assured
of salvation in the hereafter. You will be spared hundreds of misfortunes
and also your father's wrath. And if you don't, you will regret it,
if not today then tomorrow. As for my displeasure, how much longer will
that last? I am ready to go. My illness will be cured only when death
takes it away.'
"My mother suffered from sciatic
pain. At first, she was only in pain for about half the time, suffering
for a few days and then comfortable for a time. But for about a year
now she had been in constant pain and had great difficulty getting about.
Hearing her say this, however, I started to cry. She was also overcome,
but controlled herself. She embraced me affectionately and said: 'Foolish
little woman! No need to cry! When an illness becomes chronic and one
is constantly afflicted, one's courage begins to flag and one glimpses
death. Who can understand God's plans? If God wills, then I am ready
to breathe my last. On the other hand, for Him who can bring the dead
back to life, it would be a simple thing to cure my illness.' Having
said that, she again embraced me and said: 'Now go to bed and go to
sleep. I too am tired.'
"I got up and went to my bed
and slept soundly. From the very next day, I acted according to her
instructions and began to do all the housework. Whenever I wasn't occupied
with my studies, I was busy with the chores. For two or three months
I was in such a state that when I went to bed at night, I wasn't sure
if I were dead or alive. I was so tired I felt as if I would break.
I slept so soundly that Anna would have to waken me for morning prayers
by sprinking water on my face, and even then it was hard for me to open
my eyes. But, thank heavens, I never became discouraged from doing these
things every day. I slept soundly until it was time to get up, and my
health was good. After two or three months, I had become so used to
the routine that I couldn't imagine where all my energy came from. My
feet hardly ever touched the ground. During this time I also started
taking one lesson a day from my father. I studied with him and with
Ustani-ji for three or four hours a day, and you might say
that this was the only leisure I had, as it was the only time I had
to sit down. This habit endures until today. You can see that I never
sit idle for an instant, nor can I abide others who are lazy."
*on to the Fifth Majlis*
= = = = = = = = = = =
/1/ When a mother
calls her daughter "mother" it is a term of special endearment
and approbation.
/2/ The criterion
was rather for a sharif (well-born, respectable) family, whether
they had money or not.
/3/ A saying which
is the rough equivalent of: "The best laid plans of mice and men
often go astray." Here, an additional meaning is that the long-established
honor of her natal family will be brought into question if she disgraces
herself.
/4/ anna:
1/16 of a rupee; hence four annas equals 1/4 of a rupee; eight annas,
a half rupee.
/5/ pan-dan
and khas-dan: a box, usually of metal, in which the pan
leaves, betal nut, lime, tobacco, and flavorings are kept for making
pan, the digestive chew which is so much a part of convivial
occasions. Large, elaborate pan-dans with separate compartments
for each condiments are an important item in a woman's dowry. Khas-dans
are small containers for carrying prepared pan, more portable than large
pan-dans. For a discussion of pan, see
Sharar, Lucknow, pp.223-228.
/6/ chulha:
cooking stove.
/7/ angithi:
charcoal burner; brazier.
/8/ punka:
fan, a large awning-like cloth hung from the ceiling and pulled by a
rope to create a slight breeze.
/9/ Preparations
used as shampoos.
/10/ khas:
an aromatic grass.
/11/ halvai:
a sweet-meat seller.
/12/ puri: a deep-fried
wheat cake or bread.
/13/ Or, 'I can
do as I please.'