The Completion of Zubaida Khatun's Story
"By the time I was thirteen, I had studied
the Gulistan and Bostan, Akhlaq-e Muhsini,
and 'Iyar-e Danish in Persian,/1/
and in Arabic the necessary beginning grammar; in arithmetic, the common
factors and decimal factors and the two parts of Euclid's geometry.
I had also studied the geography and history of India, and had practiced
both naskh and nasta'liq calligraphy, and could copy
couplets in a good hand. At that point, my father began to teach me
two lessons a day. In the morning we read Kimiya-e Sa'adat
and in the evening Kalila wa Dimna in Arabic./2/
"My mother was growing more and more feeble
every day. The stage finally came when she was so weak that in order
to sit up or lie down, she would have to be moved by two people. Whenever
I was free from the household chores, I would go and sit by her. Sometimes
I would fan her, sometimes massage her feet. She got so used to my hands
that when I was around, she did not want any of the servants to care
for her. After a while, my engagement was concluded. Mother had given
up all hope of living, and so one day she said to me:
"'Daughter, now that you have become engaged, God
willing in a little while you will be married. Who knows whether I will
live to see that happy event or not? One can never be too confident
about this life. Like breath, it comes and goes easily, and one who
is as sick as I am can only recover if God wills it. At any rate, one
has to leave this world sooner or later, and my only regret is leaving
you. That regret will go with me to my grave, but I thank God that my
other wish has been fulfilled. I always prayed to God to grant me worthy
children, or else I preferred to remain childless. He who is beyond
desire heard my prayers, and just as you have made your mother happy,
so may He make you happy in this world and the next!
"'Although I realize that you do not need any further
advice, still you don't know much about life. You have studied a lot
but experienced little. Listen well! Knowledge is doubtless a great
treasur, and those who possess it are very fortunate. You should be
very grateful to your father for giving you an education. I am not bragging
when I say that today, by God's grace, you are the most brilliant one
in the whole family. But be forewarned, my dearest! The house of wisdom
is still far off. Never be too sure that you know something. Remember
what people say, "A half-educated doctor is a threat to life, and
a half-educated Mulla is a threat to faith." It is true! People
who know a little get into worse trouble than those who are illiterate.
I worry about the fact that you have seen nothing in your father's house
other than having your eyes opened to learning. You are still a novice!
What do you know of people who stick blindly to the customs and traditions
of their forefathers, who waste on weddings the money which their elders
have saved at great sacrifice to see their children through a rainy
day, and who thus become poverty-stricken? Similarly, when someone dies,
they waste hundreds of rupees on useless ceremonies, and they also throw
away money on festival occasions and feasts. As men come and go, so
money vanishes. In sum, such people trample God's bounties in the dust.
"'I am very much afraid that when you go to your
in-laws' house, you will find a new world, where there will be scores
of things to occupy your attention which you never experienced in your
father's house. They may not seem reasonable or sensible; they may be
very wasteful. If you become inwardly distressed but cannot say anything,
what will become of you then? And if, God forbid, you can't endure the
situation and you do interfere in some manner and express your opinion,
no one will appreciate it. A quarrel will ensue needlessly. You will
be proud of your knowledge, but your husband will support the customs
of his elders, and that will sow differences between you. But no matter
what happens, everyone will think you foolish. Daughter! Remember this:
that there is nothing more difficult in the world than trying to change
old-fashioned customs. People are more attached to the traditions of
their ancestors than they are to their religion. Hence, whoever thinks
those traditions are wrong and wants to change them, will only bring
mockery down upon himself. All traditions and superstitions are bad,
but some are surpassingly bad. People, however, regard them as part
of their religion, and thus those who object to them incur their hatred.
"'There was a time when the Arabs customarily buried
their newborn daughters alive. What could be more evil than that? But
they thought it a matter of honor and prestige. The custom of female
infanticide still exists in India among the Rajputs, but now, out of
fear of the government, they do it much less. In the same way, God and
the Prophet gave widows permission to remarry, but here, even among
Muslims, it is considered an evil worse than adultery. If you tell people
that widow remarriage is enjoined in the Quran and the hadith,
or if you point out that those whom we regard as our exemplars permitted
their daughters and daughters-in-law, if widowed, to marry again, they
cannot disagree. But if you want them to change what they themselves
do, you are powerless. In sum, it is as difficult to uproot a custom
from someone's heart as it is to extract a nail from the flesh of a
living finger. A man may be free to do whatever he likes in his own
home, but it is very difficult for him to get others to give up their
customs. For this, one has to be very patient and wise. So you see,
if you want to undertake the reform of customs in your new home, you
will have to go about it very carefully. Don't heedlessly disturb a
wasps' nest and reap a punishment instead of a reward. Whatever you
undertake, do it with such charm and grace that you accomplish it without
bringing opprobrium upon yourself.
"'In addition to this, your most challenging task
in your in-laws' home will be to get along with your mother-in-law and
sister-in-law. There is a famous saying that mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law,
or sisters-in-law and sisters-in-law, never get along. My dear! You
too will face this problem one day! Do not skimp on your obedience to
your mother-in-law, or in seeking to please your sister-in-law. As they
say, it takes two hands to clap. Above all, you should assume that everyone
in that household, whether man or woman, is decent and upright, and
that he or she won't do anything to cause trouble. But if there is someone
who is difficult, then you should endure it. In this way, you will find
a place in your husband's affections, and your mother-in-law and sister-in-law
too will eventually sing your praises. And if you view things objectively,
you will understand that their initial complaints against you are not
totally unfounded. Tell me the truth now: if I showed half as much affection
for another's child as I showed for you, wouldn't you be jealous? It
is a truism that whenever someone new comes to share in anything, she
is considered an intruder. At first a man has affectionate relations
with only his mother and sisters; but then a bride comes into the picture,
who may take a greater share of bis affections then they.
"'On the other hand, if the mother-in-law and sister-in-law
view the matter correctly, they will see that their jealousy is inappropriate.
A man has contact with all sorts and conditions of people in his day-to-day
existence, but he has a different sort of relationship with each. The
kind of relationship he has with his parents, he will not have with
his children. Brothers and sisters have one sort of love for each other,
but the love of husbands and wives is another story, and so on. Among
all these relationships, it is useless for one person to be jealous
of another. An example of what I mean is that a man may be happy when
eating good food, or smelling a fine perfume, or hearing a sweet voice,
or seeing a lovely face. But the pleasure which comes from eating good
food is of the tongue; from smelling a fine perfume, of the nose; from
hearing a good voice, of the ears; and from seeing a pretty face, of
the eyes. Now who in his right mind would say: My goodness! What does
he know of fine food! He gives his life only to smelling fine perfume!
Or, that he only takes pleasure in hearing a good voice and knows nothing
of pretty faces! What would people say to such comparisons, except that
they are inapt? So too, mothers and sisters should realize that if their
son or brother becomes obedient to his wife, he loves them nonetheless.
Since he is their flesh and blood, how can his love for his wife drive
away his affection for them? On the contrary, if some unpleasantness
arises between the man and his wife, they should try as hard as they
can to reconcile them. If the husband does not love his wife, they should
try, bit by bit, to make a place for her in his heart. If the boy is
ill-tempered, they should gradually bring him to understand the need
for moderating his temper. In short, in so far as it is possible, they
should take the part of the daughter-in-law.
"'The in-laws should also realize that another gentleman
has entrusted his flesh and blood to them, not just to their son. Rather,
he entrusted his daughter to them, after informing himself as to their
familial behavior. Before concluding the engagement, he found out what
the men and the women of the family were like. He asked if the boy's
parents were bad-tempered, and if his sisters were sharp-tongued. He
tried to find out if other girls from the community who had married
into their family had been well-treated. The most he needed to ask about
the boy was his educational qualifications, for there was no need to
ask anything else. There are many good-tempered, pleasant boys who become
ill-tempered after marriage, and there are many snobbish, moody boys
who always wear a frown, who improve after marriage. So what is the
good of asking about such things? In any case, my daughter, whatever
happens, you will have to be obedient to your in-laws. Your patience
and endurance will not be in vain. If in all this, your mother-in-law
and sister-in-law act according to expectation, all will be well. If
not, you will get your reward in heaven.
"'You will never have to face the question of relations
with your husband's brothers' wives, for in your in-laws' house, God
decreed that only one son survive out of four. But it is wise to remember
that stories of brothers' wives are told in every household. The cure
for such difficulties is obvious: Their husbands will have to divide
their inheritance amicably among themselves. One should never expect
that brothers will split irrevocably over such matters. There may be
disagreements and disappointments, but brothers will never cease to
regard one another as brothers./3/
So which is preferable: an attitude among their wives which removes
for all time the source of quarrels, or daily grumblings and complaints?
Daughter! Those who say that the community cooking pot either breaks
or is thrown in the road speak the truth./4/
For this reason, Allah has prescribed to each his share of inheritance
in the Quran. A woman, who previously had no share in inheritance, also
inherits a prescribed share from her own father.
"'Finally comes the question of your relations with
your husband. You must remember that whether you are happy or not, looking
after his happiness should be your first priority. If anything he says
or does displeases you, you must remain quiet. Women develop the habit
of arguing over nothing; they become sarcastic; they get irritated or
are critical for no apparent reason; they scowl and are fretful. God
forbid that you should act in that way! Listen to me! It is not really
terribly hard to keep your kinfolk happy. Indeed, a true human being
is one who can make kinfolk out of strangers. You will have to spend
your whole life with your husband. If husband and wife truly love each
other, then the most humble dwelling will seem better than a palace.
But if, God forbid, they do not get along, then their home will become
more desolate than the approaches to hell. I have heard that our Empress,
Queen Victoria, who today reigns over a quarter of the world, was so
considerate toward her husband that she never gave him any cause for
complaint. The whole world knows how much she loved him. When
he died, she remained in perpetual mourning, and even wrote a book about
him. Daughter! Never forget that husbands have the higher position,
and please don't adopt the habits of obstinate women who expect to get
their own way all the time. That is the way that households are destroyed.
You must guard yourself against such evil habits.
"'Well, there are many more things 1 could say, but
right now my heart is palpitating. Today, I don't feel at all well.
God only knows why I am telling you all this, you don't really need
my advice any more. You have learned your lessons so well that I am
sure you will be careful and considerate in whatever you do.' Mother
had no sooner finished speaking than she breathed her last."
(Sayyid Abbas, Zubaida Khatun's son, here takes up the narrative
again.)
Sayyid Abbas then said: When my mother reached this
point in her story, she became so upset that she lost control of herself. She
started to cry so uncontrollably that I didn't have the courage to ask
her about anything else.
The outcome of the story was that when my grandmother
and grandfather/5/
had completed training my mother in this way, they were concerned about
finding a suitable match for her. They wanted a boy who was superior
in character and family. At that time, my paternal grandfather, Mir
Sayyid Ali,/6/
was not well known for his learning, but he was exemplary in his manner
of raising children. He had had four sons and one daughter, of whom
three sons had died; one son, my father, and the daughter, my aunt,
remained alive. While my grandfather gave my father a good education,
my aunt was never taught anything more than to recite the Quran. Otherwise,
she was illiterate. The reason for this was that my paternal grandmother
was totally uneducated. How then could her daughter learn anything?
In any case, my father's suitability and worth were
known throughout the city, and after a while Khwaja Sahib/7/
also heard about him. Having heard about the boy, Khwaja Sahib became
anxious to fix the match, but he could not do anything./8/
But those who were familiar with my maternal grandfather's thoughts
on the matter took the message informally to my paternal grandfather.
Until that time, there had never been any contact between our two families.
They were also from different muhallas./9/
One house was in Khan-e Dauran's haveli,/10/
and the other was in Kucha 'Aqil Khan. For this reason, my paternal
grandfather was not acquainted with my mother's family. But now he learned
about them from what other people told him, and from what he heard,
he too became anxious for the match, and so he called his son and asked
him to write a letter of proposal immediately and send it to Khwaja
Sahib. Khwaja Sahib kept the letter/11/
and sent the messenger back. The next day, he sent a message via his
darogha,/12/
saying:
"I am agreeable to this match, but you must realize
that a marriage can be settled very simply, or it can be blown all out
of proportion and become very difficult. A man can spend a fortune on
a wedding and still not escape the criticism of public opinion. There
is a famous proverb: 'Not to do something is only one mistake, but to
do it is a thousand mistakes.' So why should we arrange it in a way
that will waste a lot of time and money? It will not please God or the
Prophet, nor even save us from criticism. I want to make it clear that
I am not like some people in this city who indulge in ridiculous customs
for the sake of showing off, and demand lakhs of rupees in
mahr./13/
If your honor is agreeable, then fine, let us agree upon a date and
make the match."
My paternal grandfather agreed to this and replied:
"I couldn't agree more with what you have said. If you had not
said these things, then I probably would have brought them up myself.
But if you will permit me, may I also make a request? My late father's
last request to me was that my sons not marry until they were at least
twenty-five years of age. The chief reason why most people in our country
are old and weak and used up by the time they are forty or forty-five
is that they have been married at much too young an age. Their bodies
have not gained full maturity, nor have their minds developed fully,
when suddenly this heavy burden is thrust upon them, and so they wilt,
like flowers, in a short time. So, I agree to give Amjad Ali as a slave
to your family,/14/
but I would be very grateful if the marriage did not take place for
three more years. Amjad Ali, by the grace of God, is in the beginning
of his twenty-second year. In the three years to come, he will benefit
greatly. For one thing, he has been very desirous of going to Benares
to study, ever since he heard that Maulvi Faizullah Banarsi is a very
learned astronome,r and that he has all the requisite globes and instruments
in his home. From Benares, I intend to send him to the Deccan with merchandise
and a couple of experienced assistants. In these ways, his mind will
be improved, and he will also gain some practical experience in business. Not
only that, but he will get to see a number of different cities in the
process. I am sure that he can achieve these goals within the
next three years, and then we can have the marriage whenever you agree."
My maternal grandfather agreed to all of this; and
thus, early in the fourth year, as soon as my father returned from the
Deccan, the date was set for the marriage. I have heard that at the
time of the nikah,/15/
my paternal grandfather wanted to set a higher mahr, but my
maternal grandfather would not accept more than Rs. 2000. And I also
heard that just before the marriage, my maternal grandfather entered
the women's quarters and, sending out all the ladies who were assembled
there, spoke to his daughter:
"My dear, thanks be to God, you are a well-educated,
capable, and clever girl. You know the ups and downs of life very well,
and there is no need to give you any further explanation now. Your blessed
mother has told you all there is to know about what to expect upon going
to Mir Sayyid Ali's house. Whatever I have heard about the behavior
of the men and women of that household has been very good. But of course,
God only knows what the future may bring. Their son, Amjad Ali, is also
apparently an honorable and able young man, a thousand times better
educated than most of his contemporaries. But now it is time for the
marriage ceremony, and it is one of the conditions of the contract that
you be asked for your consent and that you give it willingly."
Hearing this, Zubaida Khatun remained quiet. Khwaja
Sahib asked her for her consent once, and then a second time. Finally
he saw that he was getting nowhere. So he said: "Listen my dearest!
This is not a matter of a few days, but rather bondage for a lifetime!
Your father is not so stupid as to think that he can give your hand
in marriage to another man without asking you! Each person's feelings
are different. To me, his people may seem absolutely wonderful, but
what do I know of your feelings? To be coy and shy in this matter is
simply ridiculous! It will not have good consequences. We did not give
you a good education so that you could be imprisoned by ignorance or
continue to practice outmoded customs. No indeed! The reason for knowledge
is to enable a person to do what is right by his lights and what is
correct according to God and the Prophet, no matter what others may
think. Now, that's enough! How long can you persist in this useless
shyness and expressionlessness? Outside, there are ten gentlemen waiting.
If you are content with it, then agree to the match, but if not, then
also give me an answer. I will make appropriate excuses all round, and
no blame will ever fall on you."
His daughter, when she heard her father's point of
view, faced up to his exasperation and, paying no attention to the possibility
of criticism from the rest of the assembled guests,/16/
said clearly and openly to him: "Your honor knows what is the best thing
for your humble servant, and whatever you have decided is for the best.
Whatever happens in the future is written in my destiny."
Hearing these words, my maternal grandfather was
extremely pleased, and he blessed his daughter and went out into the
reception hall and said to the qazi:/17/
"I am the girl's guardian and also her representative; you may begin."
When the ceremony was over, my maternal grandfather
signaled to his darogha, who went to the store room and brought
out five velvet bags full of rupees, and several trays full of ornaments,
clothing, etc., and placed the dowry in front of the assembled guests.
Nana Jan also took the sanad/18/
for a village out of his pocket and added it to the dowry, and turning
to Dada Jan, he recited this couplet:
I put in your hands my treasure,
Now you take care of its
measure.
Dada Jan expressed his profound thanks and said:
"I have many reasons to be thankful to God for his blessings, and among
them is the fact that Amjad Ali has been married into your family."
Nana Jan then told the darogha to tell the
bearers to bring the bridal palanquin into the entryway of the women's
quarters, and then he went inside again. All the women assembled there
fell silent, and he went straight up to his daughter, whispered something
in her ear, embraced her and said: "And now my daughter! God keep thee!
Husaini Khanam will go with you to your new home and will stay there
with you for six months or a year, as long as you like."
After that, he took my father (the groom) by the
hand, and took him aside for a second to give him some advice. Then
it was time for their departure, so my mother was seated in the palanquin
and they left.
I heard this whole story from Anna Husaini Khanam.
I never knew my father, because he died when I was just a little over
three years old. He lived for some twenty-two years after their marriage.
One day I asked my mother what Nana Jan told her and father before their
departure. She got up and went inside and brought out a written document
from the bookcase and gave it to me, saying: "This is the will written
in your father's hand. The answer to your question is written down here.
Keep it with you always and look at it whenever you need to."
I opened it and read it from beginning to end and
found, indeed, that the wisdom it contained is more precious than jewels.
God willing, sometime when you are free, I will tell you all about it.
*on to the Sixth Majlis*
= = = = = = = = = = =
/1/ The Gulistan
and Bostan of Sa'di and the Akhlaq-e Muhsini are Persian
ethical works noted for their pithy style and didactic content. The
'lyar-e Danish of Abul Fazl is a Persian version of Kalila
wa Dimna (see below). Sufi, Al-Minhaj, pp. 54, 111.
/2/ Kimiya-e
Sa'adat is a work of ethics by al-Ghazzali, and Kalila wa Dimna
is a collection of animal fables, the Arabic equivalent of the Panchatantra
or Aesop's Fables.
/3/ Blood is thicker
than water, in other words.
/4/ That is, joint
ventures or property are divisive or infructuous.
/5/ Zubaida Khatun's
parents.
/6/ Who became
Zubaida Khatun's father-in-law.
/7/ Zubaida Khatun's
father.
/8/ He could not
do anything because proposals cannot come from the girl's family.
/9/ muhalla:
neighborhood; quarter of a city.
/10/ haveli:
palace; in this case, the quarter of the city near or around the palace
of Khan-e Dauran
/11/ Keeping the
proposal letter is a sign of favorable consideration.
/12/ darogha:
major domo, chief servant or steward.
/13/ mahr:
the marriage portion settled upon the bride before marriage.
/14/ That is, I
agree to give Amjad Ali in marriage to your daughter.
/15/ nikah:
Muslim marriage ceremony.
/16/ The
guests would think her shameless for speaking up on this occasion.
/17/ qazi:
judge; in this case, the cleric officiating at the nikah.
/18/ sanad:
a contract or decree conferring the right to collect the revenue from
a certain area.