Divorce. You probably know of people who suffered the torments of hell going through one, and you also probably know people who pulled it off without much fuss. Why are some divorces sensible and others catastrophic?

The answer often depends, to a surprising extent, on just one factor: how much you rely on lawyers and courts to resolve troublesome issues. From the standpoint of cost, heartache and quality of the final result, the less you use the court, the better. But how do you avoid it?

In theory, at least, it's simple: work out thorny issues yourselves, with help from a neutral third person if you need it. Don't let lawyers haggle over such vital matters as how your children will be raised, what happens to the family home and how your property will be divided. If you can work these issues out yourselves -- and many, if not most, couples can -- you will save yourselves untold anguish, time and money. And even more important, you will spare your children the ugly spectacle of extended parental fights, letting them come through the divorce as unscathed as possible.

Once you have resolved the big questions, all that remains is to ask the court, in writing, to grant a divorce. In many states, you don't even have to appear in court. Many courts now make it relatively easy for people to handle the whole process without a lawyer.

But first, you've got to tackle those big questions. Can you and your spouse -- someone you may not feel much like cooperating with at the moment -- do it on your own? A surprising number of divorcing couples are eventually able to come to terms without outside assistance.

How Lawyers Fan the Flames

All lawyers operate under a prime directive: zealous pursuit of their clients' interests. Lawyers can't represent both divorcing spouses because each spouse's interests are different. So when one spouse brings a lawyer into a divorce, the other usually does likewise. There may even be a third lawyer to represent the children if there is a custody dispute.

When two lawyers are fighting for their clients' interests, the battle can go on and on, intensifying in passion, until the clients run out of money and limp to the settlement table. But hey, if you want to fight down to the last nickel, what's the harm? None whatsoever if you don't have children and are able to go your separate ways. The fact that you hate each other affects only the two of you. But if there are children, the fight depletes not only your pocketbook, but also your children's sense of security and self-esteem. Once the legal fight is over, trying to establish a normal ongoing relationship between both parents and the children through a flexible custody and visitation arrangement can be very difficult.

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