This past summer, my doctor told me that i had obscenely high levels
of uric acid. Becuase of this i am not allowed to drink alcohol, or
i am at extreme risk of kidney stones and gout. as you know, i have
stopped drinking..HA. ANyways, as I am not 70, not an alcoholic, nor obese,
this diagnosis is somewhat of a mystery to my dr. so he advised me to take
a 24 hour urine test. I literally have to walk around with an orange jusg
that looks like laundry detergent, and piss in it everytime i go to the
bathroom for a whole day. WEll i kpet pushing it off because who actually
wants to pee in a jug for a day.
anyways, my dr calls me and says, rami u really have to do this 24 hour
urine test. fine. so i find a gap bag. put the jusg in the gap bag, and
put the gap bag into a backpack.
background - as a way to combat the uric acid, i decided to drink like
4 liters of water so lessen the uric acid that comes up on the test.
well, when u drink u have to pee. So im literally filling this jug to the
top. the who.e day im walking around manhattan thinking, here i am passing
ppl in the street who have no idea that i half 3 liters of my own piss in a
jug on my back.
we get back to the met
the Met. has a security check. fuck
Cast- sg= securtiy gaurd me = me bgma = badass gma, jorge = jorge
sg- hello sir how are u today
me (sweating profusely, panicking, acting like a terrorist)
um. fine, (voice shaking, )
sg- ok well im gonna need to take a look in ur bag
me- sure...u can look in my bag
as u kknow it can go wither way with a security guard. either they dont
give a shit , glance in ur bag and say keep going, or they hardcore
search you . usually, its a type a security guard.who u subsequently rip on,
saying, if iwas terrorist, he would have just let me right in. well
i wishthis asshole was a type a securty gaurd
Sg- (im a type b security guard, motherfkr! im gonna search everything)
Sg feels around, finds the gap bag, opens it
sg- what the hell is this
i tried to think of something. i couldnt.
Me- honestly, its a jug of my own urine. i have a dr appointment
sg- im sorry sir, u cant enter the museum with a jug of ur own piss
me- please, im here with my grandma well chekc it in
(line begins to fgorm behind us, we hear whispers -whats going on)
SG- nope, no liquids
me- are u serious
sg- let me ask. Jorge!, JOrge this kid has a jug of piss in his bag,
can he check his bag!?!!
(whispers from line- hes got a bucket of piss in his bag)
jorge- no, sorry sir, u cant come in here with ur piss
bgma- (stong ny grandma accent)- excuse me, do u actually think,
my gorgeous grandson, my guy, is gonna blow up the met with a bucket of piss???
jorge- sorry maam its protocol
bgma- protocol my ass, let us in! hell check his bucket of piss
me- grandma its a jjug with a lid, not a bucket
jorge- let me ask my manager
gets on his walkie talkie
jorge- HEY< CAN WE LET THIS KID IN WITH HIS JUG OF PISS??-
it echoes throughout the lobby on diff ppl radios
bgma- hey asshole! let us in. come on my love, were leaving...ASshole!
but bgma isnt done. we find a back entrance to the met. we decide to enter from there,
alas, another security guard is there. but hes not a power trip sg. he stops me
lsg-whats in th-
me- its literally, a jug of my of urine. can we check it in. Please
lsg- no sir, you canno-
then,. out of noweher, literallyu, out of nowhere, badass gma, whips out fluent spansh,
and just rips and berates this guy to shreds, I honestly had no idea she knew
spanish
lsg (in pedro voice)- ok u can go in. but make sure the lid is tightly screwed
bgma- no shit, like my grandson, is gonna take his piss, and pour it
on the paintings