[18]
YES BECAUSE HE NEVER DID A THING LIKE THAT BEFORE AS ASK
TO GET HIS
breakfast in bed with a couple of eggs since the City Arms hotel
when he
used to be pretending to be laid up with a sick voice doing his highness
to
make himself interesting for that old faggot Mrs Riordan that he thought
he
had a great leg of and she never left us a farthing all for masses for
herself
and her soul greatest miser ever was actually afraid to lay out 4d for
her
methylated spirit telling me all her ailments she had too much old chat
in
her about politics and earthquakes and the end of the world let us have
a bit
of fun first God help the world if all the women were her sort down on
bathingsuits and lownecks of course nobody wanted her to wear them I
suppose she was pious because no man would look at her twice I hope Ill
never be like her a wonder she didnt want us to cover our faces but she
was
a welleducated woman certainly and her gabby talk about Mr Riordan here
and Mr Riordan there I suppose he was glad to get shut of her and her dog
smelling my fur and always edging to get up under my petticoats especially
then still I like that in him polite to old women like that and waiters
and
beggars too hes not proud out of nothing but not always if ever he got
anything really serious the matter with him its much better for them to
go
into a hospital where everything is clean but I suppose Id have to dring
it
into him for a month yes and then wed have a hospital nurse next thing
on
the carpet have him staying there till they throw him out or a nun maybe
like the smutty photo he has shes as much a nun as Im not yes because
theyre so weak and puling when theyre sick they want a woman to get well
if his nose bleeds youd think it was O tragic and that dyinglooking one
off
the south circular when he sprained his foot at the choir party at the
sugarloaf Mountain the day I wore that dress Miss Stack bringing him
flowers the worst old ones she could find at the bottom of the basket
anything at all to get into a mans bedroom with her old maids voice trying
to imagine he was dying on account of her to never see thy face again
though he looked more like a man with his beard a bit grown in the bed
father was the same besides I hate bandaging and dosing when he cut his
toe with the razor paring his corns afraid hed get bloodpoisoning but if
it
was a thing I was sick then wed see what attention only of course the
woman hides it not to give all the trouble they do yes he came somewhere
Im sure by his appetite anyway love its not or hed be off his feed thinking
of
her so either it was one of those night women if it was down there
he was
really and the hotel story he made up a pack of lies to hide it planning
it
Hynes kept me who did I meet ah yes I met do you remember Menton and
who else who let me see that big babbyface I saw him and he not long
married flirting with a young girl at Pooles Myriorama and turned my back
on him when he slinked out looking quite conscious what harm but he had
the impudence to make up to me one time well done to him mouth almighty
and his boiled eyes of all the big stupoes I ever met and thats called
a
solicitor only for I hate having a long wrangle in bed or else if its not
that its
some little bitch or other he got in with somewhere or picked up on the
sly if
they only knew him as well as I do yes because the day before yesterday
he
was scribbling something a letter when I came into the front room to show
him Dignams death in the paper as if something told me and he covered it
up with the blottingpaper pretending to be thinking about business so very
probably that was it to somebody who thinks she has a softy in him because
all men get a bit like that at his age especially getting on to forty he
is now
so as to wheedle any money she can out of him no fool like an old fool
and
then the usual kissing my bottom was to hide it not that I care two straws
now who he does it with or knew before that way though Id like to find
out
so long as I dont have the two of them under my nose all the time like
that
slut that Mary we had in Ontario terrace padding out her false bottom to
excite him bad enough to get the smell of those painted women off him once
or twice I had a suspicion by getting him to come near me when I found
the
long hair on his coat without that one when I went into the kitchen
pretending he was drinking water 1 woman is not enough
for them it was
all his fault of course ruining servants then proposing that she could
eat at
our table on Christmas day if you please O no thank you not in my house
stealing my potatoes and the oysters 2/6 per doz going out to see her aunt
if
you please common robbery so it was but I was sure he had something on
with that one it takes me to find out a thing like that he said you have
no
proof it was her proof O yes her aunt was very fond of oysters but I told
her what I thought of her suggesting me to go out to be alone with her
I
wouldnt lower myself to spy on them the garters I found in her room the
Friday she was out that was enough for me a little bit too much her face
swelled up on her with temper when I gave her her weeks notice I saw to
that better do without them altogether do out the rooms myself quicker
only
for the damn cooking and throwing out the dirt I gave it to him anyhow
either she or me leaves the house I couldnt even touch him if I thought
he
was with a dirty barefaced liar and sloven like that one denying it up
to my
face and singing about the place in the W C too because she knew she was
too well off yes because he couldnt possibly do without it that long so
he
must do it somewhere and the last time he came on my bottom when was it
the night Boylan gave my hand a great squeeze going along by the Tolka
in
my hand there steals another I just pressed the back of his like that with
my
thumb to squeeze back singing the young May moon shes beaming love
because he has an idea about him and me hes not such a fool he said
Im
dining out and going to the Gaiety though Im not going to give him the
satisfaction in any case God knows hes a change in a way not to be always
and ever wearing the same old hat unless I paid some nicelooking boy to
do
it since I cant do it myself a young boy would like me Id confuse him a
little
alone with him if we were Id let him see my garters the new ones and make
him turn red looking at him seduce him I know what boys feel with that
down on their cheek doing that frigging drawing out the thing by the hour
question and answer would you do this that and the other with the coalman
yes with a bishop yes I would because I told him about some dean or bishop
was sitting beside me in the jews temples gardens when I was knitting that
woollen thing a stranger to Dublin what place was it and so on about the
monuments and he tired me out with statues encouraging him making him
worse than he is who is in your mind now tell me who are you thinking of
who is it tell me his name who tell me who the german Emperor is it yes
imagine Im him think of him can you feel him trying to make a whore of
me
what he never will he ought to give it up now at this age of his life simply
ruination for any woman and no satisfaction in it pretending to like it
till he
comes and then finish it off myself anyway and it makes your lips pale
anyhow its done now once and for all with all the talk of the world about
it
people make its only the first time after that its just the ordinary do
it and
think no more about it why cant you kiss a man without going and
marrying him first you sometimes love to wildly when you feel that way
so
nice all over you you cant help yourself I wish some man or other would
take me sometime when hes there and kiss me in his arms theres nothing
like a kiss long and hot down to your soul almost paralyses you then I
hate
that confession when I used to go to Father Corrigan he touched me father
and what harm if he did where and I said on the canal bank like a fool
but
whereabouts on your person my child on the leg behind high up was it yes
rather high up was it where you sit down yes O Lord couldnt he say bottom
right out and have done with it what has that got to do with it and did
you
whatever way he put it I forget no father and I always think of the real
father what did he want to know for when I already confessed it to God
he
had a nice fat hand the palm moist always I wouldnt mind feeling it neither
would he Id say by the bullneck in his horsecollar I wonder did he know
me
in the box I could see his face he couldnt see mine of course hed never
turn
or let on still his eyes were red when his father died theyre lost for
a woman
of course must be terrible when a man cries let alone them Id like to be
embraced by one in his vestments and the smell of incense off him like
the
pope besides theres no danger with a priest if youre married hes too careful
about himself then give something to H H the pope for a penance I wonder
was he satisfied with me one thing I didnt like his slapping me behind
going
away so familiarly in the hall though I laughed Im not a horse or an ass
am
I I suppose he was thinking of his fathers I wonder is he awake thinking
of
me or dreaming am I in it who gave him that flower he said he bought he
smelt of some kind of drink not whisky or stout or perhaps the sweety
kind
of paste they stick their bills up with some liqueur Id like to sip those
richlooking green and yellow expensive drinks those stagedoor johnnies
drink with the opera hats I tasted once with my finger dipped out of that
American that had the squirrel talking stamps with father he had all he
could do to keep himself from falling asleep after the last time after
we took
the port and potted meat it had a fine salty taste yes because I felt lovely
and
tired myself and fell asleep as sound as a top the moment I popped straight
into bed till that thunder woke me up God be merciful to us I thought the
heavens were coming down about us to punish us when I blessed myself
and said a Hail Mary like those awful thunderbolts in Gibraltar as if the
world was coming to an end and then they come and tell you theres no God
what could you do if it was running and rushing about nothing only make
an act of contrition the candle I lit that evening in Whitefriars street
chapel
for the month of May see it brought its luck though hed scoff if he heard
because he never goes to church mass or meeting he says your soul you
have no soul inside only grey matter because he doesnt know what it is
to
have one yes when I lit the lamp because he must have come 3 or 4 times
with that tremendous big red brute of a thing he has I thought the vein
or
whatever the dickens they call it was going to burst though his nose is
not
so big after I took off all my things with the blinds down after my hours
dressing and perfuming and combing it like iron or some kind of a thick
crowbar standing all the time he must have eaten oysters I think a few
dozen he was in great singing voice no I never in all my life felt anyone
had
one the size of that to make you feel full up he must have eaten a whole
sheep after whats the idea making us like that with a big hole in the middle
of us or like a Stallion driving it up into you because thats all they
want out
of you with that determined vicious look in his eye I had to halfshut my
eyes still he hasnt such a tremendous amount of spunk in him when I made
him pull out and do it on me considering how big it is so much the better
in
case any of it wasnt washed out properly the last time I let him finish
it in
me nice invention they made for women for him to get all the pleasure but
if
someone gave them a touch of it themselves theyd know what I went
through with Milly nobody would believe cutting her teeth too and Mina
Purefoys husband give us a swing out of your whiskers filling her up with
a
child or twins once a year as regular as the clock always with a smell
of
children off her the one they called budgers or something like a nigger
with
a shock of hair on it Jesusjack the child is a black the last time I was
there a
squad of them falling over one another and bawling you couldnt hear your
ears supposed to be healthy not satisfied till they have us swollen out
like
elephants or I dont know what supposing I risked having another not off
him though still if he was married Im sure hed have a fine strong child
but I
dont know Poldy has more spunk in him yes thatd be awfully jolly I
suppose it was meeting Josie Powell and the funeral and thinking about
me
and Boylan set him off well he can think what he likes now if thatll do
him
any good I know they were spooning a bit when I came on the scene he
was
dancing and sitting out with her the night of Georgina Simpsons
housewarming and then he wanted to ram it down my neck it was on
account of not liking to see her a wallflower that was why we had the
standup row over politics he began it not me when he said about Our Lord
being a carpenter at last he made me cry of course a woman is so sensitive
about everything I was fuming with myself after for giving in only for
I
knew he was gone on me and the first socialist he said He was he annoyed
me so much I couldnt put him into a temper still he knows a lot of mixedup
things especially about the body and the inside I often wanted to study
up
that myself what we have inside us in that family physician I could always
hear his voice talking when the room was crowded and watch him after that
I pretended I had a coolness on with her over him because he used to be
a
bit on the jealous side whenever he asked who are you going to and I said
over to Floey and he made me the present of lord Byrons poems and the
three pairs of gloves so that finished that I could quite easily get him
to
make it up any time I know how Id even supposing he got in with her again
and was going out to see her somewhere Id know if he refused to eat the
onions I know plenty of ways ask him to tuck down the collar of my blouse
or touch him with my veil and gloves on going out 1
kiss then would send
them all spinning however alright well see then let him go to her she of
course would only be too delighted to pretend shes mad in love with him
that I wouldnt so much mind Id just go to her and ask her do you love him
and look her square in the eyes she couldnt fool me but he might imagine
he
was and make a declaration to her with his plabbery kind of a manner like
he did to me though I had the devils own job to get it out of him though
I
liked him for that it showed he could hold in and wasnt to be got for the
asking he was on the pop of asking me too the night in the kitchen I was
rolling the potato cake theres something I want to say to you only for
I put
him off letting on I was in a temper with my hands and arms full of pasty
flour in any case I let out too much the night before talking of dreams
so I
didnt want to let him know more than was good for him she used to be
always embracing me Josie whenever he was there meaning him of course
glauming me over and when I said I washed up and down as far as possible
asking me and did you wash possible the women are always egging on to
that putting it on thick when hes there they know by his sly eye blinking
a
bit putting on the indifferent when they come out with something the kind
he is what spoils him I dont wonder in the least because he was very
handsome at that time trying to look like lord Byron I said I liked though
he was too beautiful for a man and he was a little before we got engaged
afterwards though she didnt like it so much the day I was in fits of laughing
with the giggles I couldnt stop about all my hairpins falling out one after
another with the mass of hair I had youre always in great humour she said
yes because it grigged her because she knew what it meant because I used
to
tell her a good bit of what went on between us not all but just enough
to
make her mouth water but that wasnt my fault she didnt darken the door
much after we were married I wonder what shes got like now after living
with that dotty husband of hers she had her face beginning to look drawn
and run down the last time I saw her she must have been just after a row
with him because I saw on the moment she was edging to draw down a
conversation about husbands and talk about him to run him down what
was it she told me O yes that sometimes he used to go to bed with his
muddy boots on when the maggot takes him just imagine having to get into
bed with a thing like that that might murder you any moment what a man
well its not the one way everyone goes mad Poldy anyhow whatever he does
always wipes his feet on the mat when he comes in wet or shine and always
blacks his own boots too and he always takes off his hat when he comes
up
in the street like then and now hes going about in his slippers to look
for
10000 for a postcard U p up O sweetheart May wouldnt a thing like that
simply bore you stiff to extinction actually too stupid even to take his
boots
off now what could you make of a man like that Id rather die 20
times over
than marry another of their sex of course hed never find another woman
like me to put up with him the way I do know me come sleep with me yes
and he knows that too at the bottom of his heart take that Mrs Maybrick
that poisoned her husband for what I wonder in love with some other man
yes it was found out on her wasnt she the downright villain to go and do
a
thing like that of course some men can be dreadfully aggravating drive
you
mad and always the worst word in the world what do they ask us to marry
them for if were so bad as all that comes to yes because they cant get
on
without us white Arsenic she put in his tea off flypaper wasnt it I wonder
why they call it that if I asked him hed say its from the Greek leave us
as
wise as we were before she must have been madly in love with the other
fellow to run the chance of being hanged O she didnt care if that was her
nature what could she do besides theyre not brutes enough to go and hang
a
woman surely are they
theyre all so different Boylan talking about the shape of my foot
he
noticed at once even before he was introduced when I was in the D B C
with Poldy laughing and trying to listen I was waggling my foot we both
ordered 2 teas and plain bread and butter I saw him
looking with his two
old maids of sisters when I stood up and asked the girl where it was what
do I care with it dropping out of me and that black closed breeches he
made
me buy takes you half an hour to let them down wetting all myself always
with some brandnew fad every other week such a long one I did I forgot
my
suede gloves on the seat behind that I never got after some robber of a
woman and he wanted me to put it in the Irish Times lost in the ladies
lavatory D B C Dame street finder return to Mrs Marion Bloom and I saw
his eyes on my feet going out through the turning door he was looking
when I looked back and I went there for tea 2 days
after in the hope but he
wasnt now how did that excite him because I was crossing them when we
were in the other room first he meant the shoes that are too tight to walk
in
my hand is nice like that if I only had a ring with the stone for my
month a
nice aquamarine Ill stick him for one and a gold bracelet I dont like my
foot
so much still I made him spend once with my foot the night after Goodwins
botchup of a concert so cold and windy it was well we had that rum in the
house to mull and the fire wasnt black out when he asked to take off my
stockings lying on the hearthrug in Lombard street west and another time
it
was my muddy boots hed like me to walk in all the horses dung I could find
but of course hes not natural like the rest of the world that I what did
he say
I could give 9 points in 10 to
Katty Lanner and beat her what does that
mean I asked him I forget what he said because the stoppress edition just
passed and the man with the curly hair in the Lucan dairy thats so polite
I
think I saw his face before somewhere I noticed him when I was tasting
the
butter so I took my time Bartell dArcy too that he used to make fun of
when
he commenced kissing me on the choir stairs after I sang Gounods Ave
Maria what are we waiting for O my heart kiss me straight on the brow
and
part which is my brown part he was pretty hot for all his tinny voice too
my
low notes he was always raving about if you can believe him I liked the
way
he used his mouth singing then he said wasnt it terrible to do that there
in a
place like that I dont see anything so terrible about it Ill tell him about
that
some day not now and surprise him ay and Ill take him there and show him
the very place too we did it so now there you are like it or lump it he
thinks
nothing can happen without him knowing he hadnt an idea about my
mother till we were engaged otherwise hed never have got me so cheap as
he
did he was lo times worse himself anyhow begging me to give him a tiny
bit
cut off my drawers that was the evening coming along Kenilworth square
he kissed me in the eye of my glove and I had to take it off asking me
questions is it permitted to enquire the shape of my bedroom so I let him
keep it as if I forgot it to think of me when I saw him slip it into his
pocket
of course hes mad on the subject of drawers thats plain to be seen always
skeezing at those brazenfaced things on the bicycles with their skirts
blowing up to their navels even when Milly and I were out with him at the
open air fete that one in the cream muslin standing right against the sun
so
he could see every atom she had on when he saw me from behind following
in the rain I saw him before he saw me however standing at the corner of
the Harolds cross road with a new raincoat on him with the muffler in the
Zingari colours to show off his complexion and the brown hat looking
slyboots as usual what was he doing there where hed no business they can
go and get whatever they like from anything at all with a skirt on it and
were not to ask any questions but they want to know where were you where
are you going I could feel him coming along skulking after me his eyes
on
my neck he had been keeping away from the house he felt it was getting
too
warm for him so I halfturned and stopped then he pestered me to say yes
till
I took off my glove slowly watching him he said my openwork sleeves were
too cold for the rain anything for an excuse to put his hand anear me
drawers drawers the whole blessed time till I promised to give him the
pair
off my doll to carry about in his waistcoat pocket O Maria Santisima
he did
look a big fool dreeping in the rain splendid set of teeth he had made
me
hungry to look at them and beseeched of me to lift the orange petticoat
I
had on with the sunray pleats that there was nobody he said hed kneel
down in the wet if I didnt so persevering he would too and ruin his new
raincoat you never know what freak theyd take alone with you theyre so
savage for it if anyone was passing so I lifted them a bit and touched
his
trousers outside the way I used to Gardner after with my ring hand to keep
him from doing worse where it was too public I was dying to find out was
he circumcised he was shaking like a jelly all over they want to do
everything too quick take all the pleasure out of it and father waiting
all the
time for his dinner he told me to say I left my purse in the butchers and
had
to go back for it what a Deceiver then he wrote me that letter with all
those
words in it how could he have the face to any woman after his company
manners making it so awkward after when we met asking me have I
offended you with my eyelids down of course he saw I wasnt he had a few
brains not like that other fool Henny Doyle he was always breaking or
tearing something in the charades I hate an unlucky man and if I knew
what it meant of course I had to say no for form sake dont understand you
I said and wasnt it natural so it is of course it used to be written up
with a
picture of a womans on that wall in Gibraltar with that word I couldnt
find
anywhere only for children seeing it too young then writing every morning
a letter sometimes twice a day I liked the way he made love then he knew
the way to take a woman when he sent me the 8 big
poppies because mine
was the 8th then I wrote the night he kissed my heart
at Dolphins barn I
couldnt describe it simply it makes you feel like nothing on earth but
he
never knew how to embrace well like Gardner I hope hell come on Monday
as he said at the same time four I hate people who come at all hours answer
the door you think its the vegetables then its somebody and you all
undressed or the door of the filthy sloppy kitchen blows open the day old
frostyface Goodwin called about the concert in Lombard street and I just
after dinner all flushed and tossed with boiling old stew dont look at
me
professor I had to say Im a fright yes but he was a real old gent in his
way it
was impossible to be more respectful nobody to say youre out you have to
peep out through the blind like the messengerboy today I thought it was
a
putoff first him sending the port and the peaches first and I was just
beginning to yawn with nerves thinking he was trying to make a fool of
me
when I knew his tattarrattat at the door he must have been a bit late because
it was 1/4 after 3 when I saw the 2 Dedalus girls
coming from school I never
know the time even that watch he gave me never seems to go properly Id
want to get it looked after when I threw the penny to that lame sailor
for
England home and beauty when I was whistling there is a charming girl I
love and I hadnt even put on my clean shift or powdered myself or a thing
then this day week were to go to Belfast just as well he has to go to Ennis
his fathers anniversary the 27th it wouldnt be pleasant if he did suppose
our
rooms at the hotel were beside each other and any fooling went on in
the
new bed I couldnt tell him to stop and not bother me with him in the next
room or perhaps some protestant clergyman with a cough knocking on the
wall then hed never believe the next day we didnt do something its all
very
well a husband but you cant fool a lover after me telling him we never
did
anything of course he didnt believe me no its better hes going where he
is
besides something always happens with him the time going to the Mallow
concert at Maryborough ordering boiling soup for the two of us then the
bell rang out he walks down the platform with the soup splashing about
taking spoonfuls of it hadnt he the nerve and the waiter after him making
a
holy show of us screeching and confusion for the engine to start but he
wouldnt pay till he finished it the two gentlemen in the 3rd
class carriage
said he was quite right so he was too hes so pigheaded sometimes when he
gets a thing into his head a good job he was able to open the carriage
door
with his knife or theyd have taken us on to Cork I suppose that was done
out of revenge on him O I love jaunting in a train or a car with lovely
soft
cushions I wonder will he take a 1st class for me
he might want to do it in
the train by tipping the guard well O I suppose therell be the usual idiots
of
men gaping at us with their eyes as stupid as ever they can possibly be
that
was an exceptional man that common workman that left us alone in the
carriage that day going to Howth Id like to find out something about him
1
or 2 tunnels perhaps then you have to look
out of the window all the nicer
then coming back suppose I never came back what would they say eloped
with him that gets you on on the stage the last concert I sang at where
its
over a year ago when was it St Teresas hall Clarendon St little chits of
missies they have now singing Kathleen Kearney and her like on account
of
father being in the army and my singing the absentminded beggar and
wearing a brooch for Lord Roberts when I had the map of it all and Poldy
not Irish enough was it him managed it this time I wouldnt put it past
him
like he got me on to sing in the Stabat Mater by going around saying
he was
putting Lead Kindly Light to music I put him up to that till the jesuits
found
out he was a freemason thumping the piano lead Thou me on copied from
some old opera yes and he was going about with some of them Sinner Fein
lately or whatever they call themselves talking his usual trash and nonsense
he says that little man he showed me without the neck is very intelligent
the
coming man Griffiths is he well he doesnt look it thats all I can say still
it
must have been him he knew there was a boycott I hate the mention of their
politics after the war that Pretoria and Ladysmith and Bloemfontein where
Gardner lieut Stanley G 8th Bn 2nd East Lancs Rgt of enteric fever he was
a lovely fellow in khaki and just the right height over me Im sure he was
brave too he said I was lovely the evening we kissed goodbye at the canal
lock my Irish beauty he was pale with excitement about going away or wed
be seen from the road he couldnt stand properly and I so hot as I never
felt
they could have made their peace in the beginning or old oom Paul and the
rest of the other old Krugers go and fight it out between them instead
of
dragging on for years killing any finelooking men there were with their
fever if he was even decently shot it wouldnt have been so bad I love to
see a
regiment pass in review the first time I saw the Spanish cavalry at La
Roque
it was lovely after looking across the bay from Algeciras all the lights
of the
rock like fireflies or those sham battles on the 15 acres
the Black Watch with
their kilts in time at the march past the 10th hussars
the prince of Wales
own or the lancers O the lancers theyre grand or the Dublins that won
Tugela his father made his money over selling the horses for the cavalry
well he could buy me a nice present up in Belfast after what I gave him
theyve lovely linen up there or one of those nice kimono things I must
buy a
mothball like I had before to keep in the drawer with them it would be
exciting going round with him shopping buying those things in a new city
better leave this ring behind want to keep turning and turning to get it
over
the knuckle there or they might bell it round the town in their papers
or tell
the police on me but theyd think were married O let them all go and
smother themselves for the fat lot I care he has plenty of money and hes
not
a marrying man so somebody better get it out of him if I could find out
whether he likes me I looked a bit washy of course when I looked close
in
the handglass powdering a mirror never gives you the expression besides
scrooching down on me like that all the time with his big hipbones hes
heavy too with his hairy chest for this heat always having to lie down
for
them better for him put it into me from behind the way Mrs Mastiansky
told me her husband made her like the dogs do it and stick out her tongue
as far as ever she could and he so quiet and mild with his tingating cither
can you ever be up to men the way it takes them lovely stuff in that blue
suit
he had on and stylish tie and socks with the skyblue silk things on them
hes
certainly well off I know by the cut his clothes have and his heavy watch
but
he was like a perfect devil for a few minutes after he came back with the
stoppress tearing up the tickets and swearing blazes because he lost 20
quid
he said he lost over that outsider that won and half he put on for me on
account of Lenehans tip cursing him to the lowest pits that sponger he
was
making free with me after the Glencree dinner coming back that long joult
over the featherbed mountain after the lord Mayor looking at me with his
dirty eyes Val Dillon that big heathen I first noticed him at dessert when
I
was cracking the nuts with my teeth I wished I could have picked every
morsel of that chicken out of my fingers it was so tasty and browned and
as
tender as anything only for I didnt want to eat everything on my plate
those
forks and fishslicers were hallmarked silver too I wish I had some I could
easily have slipped a couple into my muff when I was playing with them
then always hanging out of them for money in a restaurant for the bit you
put down your throat we have to be thankful for our mangy cup of tea itself
as a great compliment to be noticed the way the world is divided in any
case
if its going to go on I want at least two other good chemises for one thing
and but I dont know what kind of drawers he likes none at all I think didnt
he say yes and half the girls in Gibraltar never wore them either naked
as
God made them that Andalusian singing her Manola she didnt make much
secret of what she hadnt yes and the second pair of silkette stockings
is
laddered after one days wear I could have brought them back to Lewers this
morning and kicked up a row and made that one change them only not to
upset myself and run the risk of walking into him and ruining the whole
thing and one of those kidfitting corsets Id want advertised cheap in the
Gentlewoman with elastic gores on the hips he saved the one I have but
thats no good what did they say they give a delightful figure line 11/6
obviating that unsightly broad appearance across the lower back to reduce
flesh my belly is a bit too big Ill have to knock off the stout at dinner
or am I
getting too fond of it the last they sent from ORourkes was as flat as
a
pancake he makes his money easy Larry they call him the old mangy parcel
he sent at Xmas a cottage cake and a bottle of hogwash he tried to palm
off
as claret that he couldnt get anyone to drink God spare his spit for fear
hed
die of the drouth or I must do a few breathing exercises I wonder is that
antifat any good might overdo it the thin ones are not so much the fashion
now garters that much I have the violet pair I wore today thats all he
bought me out of the cheque he got on the first O no there was the face
lotion I finished the last of yesterday that made my skin like new I told
him
over and over again get that made up in the same place and dont forget
it
God only knows whether he did after all I said to him Ill know by the bottle
anyway if not I suppose Ill only have to wash in my piss like beeftea or
chickensoup with some of that opoponax and violet I thought it was
beginning to look coarse or old a bit the skin underneath is much finer
where it peeled off there on my finger after the burn its a pity it isnt
all like
that and the four paltry handkerchiefs about 6/- in all sure you cant get
on
in this world without style all going in food and rent when I get it Ill
lash it
around I tell you in fine style I always want to throw a handful of tea
into
the pot measuring and mincing if I buy a pair of old brogues itself do
you
like those new shoes yes how much were they Ive no clothes at all the brown
costume and the skirt and jacket and the one at the cleaners 3
whats that for
any woman cutting up this old hat and patching up the other the men wont
look at you and women try to walk on you because they know youve no
man then with all the things getting dearer every day for the 4
years more I
have of life up to 35 no Im what am I at all Ill be
33 in September will I
what O well look at that Mrs Galbraith shes much older than me I saw her
when I was out last week her beautys on the wane she was a lovely woman
magnificent head of hair on her down to her waist tossing it back like
that
like Kitty OShea in Grantham street 1st thing I did
every morning to look
across see her combing it as if she loved it and was full of it pity I
only got
to know her the day before we left and that Mrs Langtry the jersey lily
the
prince of Wales was in love with I suppose hes like the first man going
the
roads only for the name of a king theyre all made the one way only a black
mans Id like to try a beauty up to what was she 45
there was some funny
story about the jealous old husband what was it at all and an oyster knife
he
went no he made her wear a kind of a tin thing round her and the prince
of
Wales yes he had the oyster knife cant be true a thing like that like some
of
those books he brings me the works of Master Francois Somebody
supposed to be a priest about a child born out of her ear because her
bumgut fell out a nice word for any priest to write and her a--e as if
any
fool wouldnt know what that meant I hate that pretending of all things
with
that old blackguards face on him anybody can see its not true and that
Ruby and Fair Tyrants he brought me that twice I remember when I came
to page 50 the part about where she hangs him up out
of a hook with a cord
flagellate sure theres nothing for a woman in that all invention made up
about he drinking the champagne out of her slipper after the ball was over
like the infant Jesus in the crib at Inchicore in the Blessed Virgins arms
sure
no woman could have a child that big taken out of her and I thought first
it
came out of her side because how could she go to the chamber when she
wanted to and she a rich lady of course she felt honoured H R H he was
in
Gibraltar the year I was born I bet he found lilies there too where he
planted the tree he planted more than that in his time he might have planted
me too if hed come a bit sooner then I wouldnt be here as I am he ought
to
chuck that Freeman with the paltry few shillings he knocks out of it and
go
into an office or something where hed get regular pay or a bank where they
could put him up on a throne to count the money all the day of course he
prefers plottering about the house so you cant stir with him any side whats
your programme today I wish hed even smoke a pipe like father to get the
smell of a man or pretending to be mooching about for advertisements
when he could have been in Mr Cuffes still only for what he did then
sending me to try and patch it up I could have got him promoted there to
be
the manager he gave me a great mirada once or twice first he was as stiff
as
the mischief really and truly Mrs Bloom only I felt rotten simply with
the
old rubbishy dress that I lost the leads out of the tails with no cut in
it but
theyre coming into fashion again I bought it simply to please him I knew
it
was no good by the finish pity I changed my mind of going to Todd and
Burns as I said and not Lees it was just like the shop itself rummage sale
a
lot of trash I hate those rich shops get on your nerves nothing kills me
altogether only he thinks he knows a great lot about a womans dress and
cooking mathering everything he can scour off the shelves into it if I
went
by his advices every blessed hat I put on does that suit me yes take that
thats
alright the one like a weddingcake standing up miles off my head he said
suited me or the dishcover one coming down on my backside on pins and
needles about the shopgirl in that place in Grafton street I had the
misfortune to bring him into and she as insolent as ever she could be with
her smirk saying Im afraid were giving you too much trouble what shes
there for but I stared it out of her yes he was awfully stiff and no wonder
but he changed the second time he looked Poldy pigheaded as usual like
the
soup but I could see him looking very hard at my chest when he stood up
to
open the door for me it was nice of him to show me out in any case Im
extremely sorry Mrs Bloom believe me without making it too marked the
first time after him being insulted and me being supposed to be his wife
I
just half smiled I know my chest was out that way at the door when he said
Im extremely sorry and Im sure you were
yes I think he made them a bit firmer sucking them like that so long
he
made me thirsty titties he calls them I had to laugh yes this one anyhow
stiff
the nipple gets for the least thing Ill get him to keep that up and Ill
take
those eggs beaten up with marsala fatten them out for him what are all
those veins and things curious the way its made 2
the same in case of twins
theyre supposed to represent beauty placed up there like those statues
in the
museum one of them pretending to hide it with her hand are they so
beautiful of course compared with what a man looks like with his two bags
full and his other thing hanging down out of him or sticking up at you
like
a hatrack no wonder they hide it with a cabbageleaf the woman is beauty
of
course thats admitted when he said I could pose for a picture naked to
some
rich fellow in Holles street when he lost the job in Helys and I was selling
the clothes and strumming in the coffee palace would I be like that bath
of
the nymph with my hair down yes only shes younger or Im a little like that
dirty bitch in that Spanish photo he has nymphs used they go about like
that I asked him that disgusting Cameron highlander behind the meat
market or that other wretch with the
red head behind the tree where the statue of the fish used to be when I
was
passing pretending he was pissing standing out for me to see it with his
babyclothes up to one side the Queens own they were a nice lot its well
the
Surreys relieved them theyre always trying to show it to you every time
nearly I passed outside the mens greenhouse near the Harcourt street
station just to try some fellow or other trying to catch my eye as if it
was 1
of the 7 wonders of the world O and the stink
of those rotten places the
night coming home with Poldy after the Comerfords party oranges and
lemonade to make you feel nice and watery I went into 1
of them it was so
biting cold I couldnt keep it when was that 93 the
canal was frozen yes it
was a few months after a pity a couple of the Camerons werent there to
see
me squatting in the mens place meadero I tried to draw a picture of it
before
I tore it up like a sausage or something I wonder theyre not afraid going
about of getting a kick or a bang of something there and that word met
something with hoses in it and he came out with some jawbreakers
about the incarnation he never can
explain a thing simply the way a body can understand then he goes and
burns the bottom out of the pan all for his Kidney this one not so much
theres the mark of his teeth still where he tried to bite the nipple I
had to
scream out arent they fearful trying to hurt you I had a great breast of
milk
with Milly enough for two what was the reason of that he said I could have
got a pound a week as a wet nurse all swelled out the morning that delicate
looking student that stopped in no 28 with the Citrons
Penrose nearly
caught me washing through the window only for I snapped up the towel to
my face that was his studenting hurt me they used to weaning her till he
got
doctor Brady to give me the belladonna prescription I had to get him
to
suck them they were so hard he said it was sweeter and thicker than cows
then he wanted to milk me into the tea well hes beyond everything I declare
somebody ought to put him in the budget if I only could remember the I
half of the things and write a book out of it the works of Master Poldy
yes
and its so much smoother the skin much an hour he was at them Im sure by
the clock like some kind of a big infant I had at me they want everything
in
their mouth all the pleasure those men get out of a woman I can feel his
mouth O Lord I must stretch myself I wished he was here or somebody to
let myself go with and come again like that I feel all fire inside me or
if I
could dream it when he made me spend the 2nd time
tickling me behind with
his finger I was coming for about 5 minutes with my
legs round him I had
to hug him after O Lord I wanted to shout out all sorts of things fuck
or
shit or anything at all only not to look ugly or those lines from the strain
who knows the way hed take it you want to feel your way with a man
theyre not all like him thank God some of them want you to be so nice
about it I noticed the contrast he does it and doesnt talk I gave my eyes
that
look with my hair a bit loose from the tumbling and my tongue between my
lips up to him the savage brute Thursday Friday one Saturday two Sunday
three O Lord I cant wait till Monday
frseeeeeeeefronnnng train somewhere whistling the strength those
engines have in them like big giants and the water rolling all over and
out of
them all sides like the end of Loves old sweeeetsonnnng the poor men that
have to be out all the night from their wives and families in those roasting
engines stifling it was today Im glad I burned the half of those old Freemans
and Photo Bits leaving things like that lying about hes getting very careless
and threw the rest of them up in the W C Ill get him to cut them tomorrow
for me instead of having them there for the next year to get a few pence
for
them have him asking wheres last Januarys paper and all those old
overcoats I bundled out of the hall making the place hotter than it is
that
rain was lovely and refreshing just after my beauty sleep I thought it
was
going to get like Gibraltar my goodness the heat there before the levanter
came on black as night and the glare of the rock standing up in it like
a big
giant compared with their 3 Rock mountain they think
is so great with the
red sentries here and there the poplars and they all whitehot and the smell
of the rainwater in those tanks watching the sun all the time weltering
down
on you faded all that lovely frock fathers friend Mrs Stanhope sent me
from
the B Marche paris what a shame my dearest Doggerina she wrote on it she
was very nice whats this her other name was just a P C to tell you I sent
the
little present have just had a jolly warm bath and feel a very clean
dog now
enjoyed it wogger she called him wogger wd give anything to be back in
Gib and hear you sing Waiting and in old Madrid Concone is the name of
those exercises he bought me one of those new some word I couldnt make
out shawls amusing things but tear for the least thing still there lovely
I
think dont you will always think of the lovely teas we had together
scrumptious currant scones and raspberry wafers I adore well now dearest
Doggerina be sure and write soon kind she left out regards to your father
also captain Grove with love yrs affly Hester xxxxx she didnt look a bit
married just like a girl he was years older than her wogger he was awfully
fond of me when he held down the wire with his foot for me to step over
at
the bullfight at La Linea when that matador Gomez was given the bulls ear
these clothes we have to wear whoever invented them expecting you to walk
up Killiney hill then for example at that picnic all staysed up you cant
do a
blessed thing in them in a crowd run or jump out of the way thats why I
was afraid when that other ferocious old Bull began to charge the
banderilleros with the sashes and the 2 things in
their hats and the brutes of
men shouting bravo toro sure the women were as bad in their nice white
mantillas ripping all the whole insides out of those poor horses I never
heard of such a thing in all my life yes he used to break his heart at
me
taking off the dog barking in bell lane poor brute and it sick what became
of
them ever I suppose theyre dead long ago the 2 of
them its like all through a
mist makes you feel so old I made the scones of course I had everything
all
to myself then a girl Hester we used to compare our hair mine was thicker
than hers she showed me how to settle it at the back when I put it up and
whats this else how to make a knot on a thread with the one hand we were
like cousins what age was I then the night of the storm I slept in her
bed she
had her arms round me then we were fighting in the morning with the
pillow what fun he was watching me whenever he got an opportunity at the
band on the Alameda esplanade when I was with father and captain Grove
I looked up at the church first and then at the windows then down and our
eyes met I felt something go through me like all needles my eyes were
dancing I remember after when I looked at myself in the glass hardly
recognised myself the change he was attractive to a girl in spite of his
being
a little bald intelligent looking disappointed and gay at the same time
he was
like Thomas in the shadow of Ashlydyat I had a splendid skin from the sun
and the excitement like a rose I didnt get a wink of sleep it wouldnt have
been nice on account of her but I could have stopped it in time she gave
me
the Moonstone to read that was the first I read of Wilkie Collins East
Lynne
I read and the shadow of Ashlydyat Mrs Henry Wood Henry Dunbar by
that other woman I lent him afterwards with Mulveys photo in it so as he
see I wasnt without and Lord Lytton Eugene Aram Molly bawn she gave
me by Mrs Hungerford on account of the name I dont like books with a
Molly in them like that one he brought me about the one from Flanders a
whore always shoplifting anything she could cloth and stuff and yards of
it
O this blanket is too heavy on me thats better I havent even one decent
nightdress this thing gets all rolled under me besides him and his fooling
thats better I used to be weltering then in the heat my shift drenched
with
the sweat stuck in the cheeks of my bottom on the chair when I stood up
they were so fattish and firm when I got up on the sofa cushions to see
with
my clothes up and the bugs tons of them at night and the mosquito nets
I
couldnt read a line Lord how long ago it seems centuries of course
they
never came back and she didnt put her address right on it either she may
have noticed her wogger people were always going away and we never I
remember that day with the waves and the boats with their high heads
rocking and the smell of ship those Officers uniforms on shore leave made
me seasick he didnt say anything he was very serious I had the high
buttoned boots on and my skirt was blowing she kissed me six or seven
times didnt I cry yes I believe I did or near it my lips were taittering
when I
said goodbye she had a Gorgeous wrap of some special kind of blue colour
on her for the voyage made very peculiarly to one side like and it was
extremely pretty it got as dull as the devil after they went I was almost
planning to run away mad out of it somewhere were never easy where we
are father or aunt or marriage waiting always waiting to guiiiide him toooo
me waiting nor speeeed his flying feet their damn guns bursting and
booming all over the shop especially the Queens birthday and throwing
everything down in all directions if you didnt open the windows when
general Ulysses Grant whoever he was or did supposed to be some great
fellow landed off the ship and old Sprague the consul that was there from
before the flood dressed up poor man and he in mourning for the son then
the same old bugles for reveille in the morning and drums rolling and the
unfortunate poor devils of soldiers walking about with messtins smelling
the
place more than the old longbearded jews in their jellibees and levites
assembly and sound clear and gunfire for the men to cross the lines and
the
warden marching with his keys to lock the gates and the bagpipes and only
captain Groves and father talking about Rorkes drift and Plevna and sir
Garnet Wolseley and Gordon at Khartoum lighting their pipes for them
everytime they went out drunken old devil with his grog on the windowsill
catch him leaving any of it picking his nose trying to think of some other
dirty story to tell up in a corner but he never forgot himself when I was
there sending me out of the room on some blind excuse paying his
compliments the Bushmills whisky talking of course but hed do the same
to
the next woman that came along I suppose he died of galloping drink ages
ago the days like years not a letter from a living soul except the odd
few I
posted to myself with bits of paper in them so bored sometimes I could
fight
with my nails listening to that old Arab with the one eye and his heass
of an
instrument singing his heah heah aheah all my compriments on your
hotchapotch of your heass as bad as now with the hands hanging off me
looking out of the window if there was a nice fellow even in the opposite
house that medical in Holles street the nurse was after when I put on my
gloves and hat at the window to show I was going out not a notion what
I
meant arent they thick never understand what you say even youd want to
print it up on a big poster for them not even if you shake hands twice
with
the left he didnt recognise me either when I half frowned at him outside
Westland row chapel where does their great intelligence come in Id like
to
know grey matter they have it all in their tail if you ask me those country
gougers up in the City Arms intelligence they had a damn sight less
than the
bulls and cows they were selling the meat and the coalmans bell that noisy
bugger trying to swindle me with the wrong bill he took out of his hat
what
a pair of paws and pots and pans and kettles to mend any broken bottles
for
a poor man today and no visitors or post ever except his cheques or some
advertisement like that wonderworker they sent him addressed dear Madam
only his letter and the card from Milly this morning see she wrote a letter
to
him who did I get the last letter from O Mrs Dwenn now what possessed
her to write from Canada after so many years to know the recipe I had for
pisto madrileno Floey Dillon since she wrote to say she was married to
a
very rich architect if Im to believe all I hear with a villa and eight
rooms her
father was an awfully nice man he was near seventy always goodhumoured
well now Miss Tweedy or Miss Gillespie theres the piannyer that was a solid
silver coffee service he had too on the mahogany sideboard then dying so
far away I hate people that have always their poor story to tell everybody
has their own troubles that poor Nancy Blake died a month ago of acute
neumonia well I didnt know her so well as all that she was Floeys friend
more than mine poor Nancy its a bother having to answer he always tells
me the wrong things and no stops to say like making a speech your sad
bereavement sympathy I always make that mistake and nephew with you
in I hope hell write me a longer letter the next time if its a thing
he really likes me O thanks be to the great God I got somebody to give
me
what I badly wanted to put some heart up into me youve no chances at all
in
this place like you used long ago I wish somebody would write me a
loveletter his wasnt much and I told him he could write what he liked yours
ever Hugh Boylan in old Madrid stuff silly women believe love is sighing
I
am dying still if he wrote it I suppose thered be some truth in it true
or no it
fills up your whole day and life always something to think about every
moment and see it all round you like a new world I could write the answer
in bed to let him imagine me short just a few words not those long crossed
letters Atty Dillon used to write to the fellow that was something in the
four
courts that jilted her after out of the ladies letterwriter when I told
her to
say a few simple words he could twist how he liked not acting with precipat
precip itancy with equal candour the greatest earthly happiness answer
to a
gentlemans proposal affirmatively my goodness theres nothing else its all
very fine for them but as for being a woman as soon as youre old they might
as well throw you out in the bottom of the ashpit.
Mulveys was the first when I was in bed that morning and Mrs Rubio
brought it in with the coffee she stood there standing when I asked her
to
hand me and I pointing at them I couldnt think of the word a hairpin to
open it with ah horquilla disobliging old thing and it staring her in the
face
with her switch of false hair on her and vain about her appearance ugly
as
she was near 80 or a 100 her
face a mass of wrinkles with all her religion
domineering because she never could get over the Atlantic fleet coming
in
half the ships of the world and the Union Jack flying with all her
carabineros because 4 drunken English sailors
took all the rock from them
and because I didnt run into mass often enough in Santa Maria to please
her with her shawl up on her except when there was a marriage on with all
her miracles of the saints and her black blessed virgin with the silver
dress
and the sun dancing 3 times on Easter Sunday morning
and when the priest
was going by with the bell bringing the vatican to the dying blessing herself
for his Majestad an admirer he signed it I near jumped out of my skin I
wanted to pick him up when I saw him following me along the Calle Real
in
the shop window then he tipped me just in passing but I never thought hed
write making an appointment I had it inside my petticoat bodice all day
reading it up in every hole and corner while father was up at the drill
instructing to find out by the handwriting or the language of stamps singing
I remember shall I wear a white rose and I wanted to put on the old stupid
clock to near the time he was the first man kissed me under the Moorish
wall my sweetheart when a boy it never entered my head what kissing
meant till he put his tongue in my mouth his mouth was sweetlike young
I
put my knee up to him a few times to learn the way what did I tell him
I was
engaged for for fun to the son of a Spanish nobleman named Don Miguel
de la Flora and he believed me that I was to be married to him in 3 years
time theres many a true word spoken in jest there is a flower that bloometh
a few things I told him true about myself just for him to be imagining
the
Spanish girls he didnt like I suppose one of them wouldnt have him I got
him excited he crushed all the flowers on my bosom he brought me he
couldnt count the pesetas and the perragordas till I taught him Cappoquin
he came from he said on the black water but it was too short then the day
before he left May yes it was May when the infant king of Spain was born
Im always like that in the spring Id like a new fellow every year up on
the
tiptop under the rockgun near OHaras tower I told him it was struck by
lightning and all about the old Barbary apes they sent to Clapham without
a
tail careering all over the show on each others back Mrs Rubio said she
was
a regular old rock scorpion robbing the chickens out of Inces farm and
throw stones at you if you went anear he was looking at me I had that white
blouse on open in the front to encourage him as much as I could without
too openly they were just beginning to be plump I said I was tired we lay
over the firtree cove a wild place I suppose it must be the highest rock
in
existence the galleries and casemates and those frightful rocks and Saint
Michaels cave with the icicles or whatever they call them hanging down
and
ladders all the mud plotching my boots Im sure thats the way down the
monkeys go under the sea to Africa when they die the ships out far like
chips that was the Malta boat passing yes the sea and the sky you could
do
what you liked lie there for ever he caressed them outside they love doing
that its the roundness there I was leaning over him with my white ricestraw
hat to take the newness out of it the left side of my face the best my
blouse
open for his last day transparent kind of shirt he had I could see his
chest
pink he wanted to touch mine with his for a moment but I wouldnt let him
he was awfully put out first for fear you never know consumption or
leave
me with a child embarazada that old servant Ines told me that one drop
even if it got into you at all after I tried with the Banana but I was
afraid it
might break and get lost up in me somewhere because they once took
something down out of a woman that was up there for years covered with
limesalts theyre all mad to get in there where they come out of youd think
they could never go far enough up and then theyre done with you in a way
till the next time yes because theres a wonderful feeling there so tender
all
the time how did we finish it off yes O yes I pulled him off into my
handkerchief pretending not to be excited but I opened my legs I wouldnt
let him touch me inside my petticoat because I had a skirt opening up the
side I tormented the life out of him first tickling him I loved rousing
that
dog in the hotel rrrsssstt awokwokawok his eyes shut and a bird flying
below us he was shy all the same I liked him like that moaning I made him
blush a little when I got over him that way when I unbuttoned him and took
his out and drew back the skin it had a kind of eye in it theyre all Buttons
men down the middle on the wrong side of them Molly darling he called me
what was his name Jack Joe Harry Mulvey was it yes I think a lieutenant
he
was rather fair he had a laughing kind of a voice so I went round to the
whatyoucallit everything was whatyoucallit moustache had he he said hed
come back Lord its just like yesterday to me and if I was married hed do
it
to me and I promised him yes faithfully Id let him block me now flying
perhaps hes dead or killed or a captain or admiral its nearly 20
years if I
said firtree cove he would if he came up behind me and put his hands over
my eyes to guess who I might recognise him hes young still about 40
perhaps hes married some girl on the black water and is quite changed they
all do they havent half the character a woman has she little knows what
I
did with her beloved husband before he ever dreamt of her in broad
daylight too in the sight of the whole world you might say they could have
put an article about it in the Chronicle I was a bit wild after when I
blew out
the old bag the biscuits were in from Benady Bros and exploded it Lord
what a bang all the woodcocks and pigeons screaming coming back the
same way that we went over middle hill round by the old guardhouse and
the jews burialplace pretending to read out the Hebrew on them I wanted
to
fire his pistol he said he hadnt one he didnt know what to make of me with
his peak cap on that he always wore crooked as often as I settled it straight
H M S Calypso swinging my hat that old Bishop that spoke off the altar
his
long preach about womans higher functions about girls now riding the
bicycle and wearing peak caps and the new woman bloomers God send him
sense and me more money I suppose theyre called after him I never thought
that would be my name Bloom when I used to write it in print to see how
it
looked on a visiting card or practising for the butcher and oblige M Bloom
youre looking blooming Josie used to say after I married him well its better
than Breen or Briggs does brig or those awful names with bottom in them
Mrs Ramsbottom or some other kind of a bottom Mulvey I wouldnt go mad
about either or suppose I divorced him Mrs Boylan my mother whoever
she
was might have given me a nicer name the Lord knows after the lovely one
she had Lunita Laredo the fun we had running along Williss road to
Europa point twisting in and out all round the other side of Jersey they
were shaking and dancing about in my blouse like Millys little ones now
when she runs up the stairs I loved looking down at them I was jumping
up
at the pepper trees and the white poplars pulling the leaves off and throwing
them at him he went to India he was to write the voyages those men have
to
make to the ends of the world and back its the least they might get a squeeze
or two at a woman while they can going out to be drowned or blown up
somewhere I went up Windmill hill to the flats that Sunday morning with
captain Rubios that was dead spyglass like the sentry had he said hed have
one or two from on board I wore that frock from the B Marche paris and
the coral necklace the straits shining I could see over to Morocco almost
the
bay of Tangier white and the Atlas mountain with snow on it and the straits
like a river so clear Harry Molly darling I was thinking of him on the
sea all
the time after at mass when my petticoat began to slip down at the elevation
weeks and weeks I kept the handkerchief under my pillow for the smell of
him there was no decent perfume to be got in that Gibraltar only that cheap
peau dEspagne that faded and left a stink on you more than anything else
I
wanted to give him a memento he gave me that clumsy Claddagh ring for
luck that I gave Gardner going to south Africa where those Boers killed
him with their war and fever but they were well beaten all the same as
if it brought its bad luck with it like an opal or pearl still it must
have been
pure 18 carrot gold because it was very heavy but
what could you get in
a place like that the sandfrog shower from Africa and that derelict ship
that came up to the harbour Marie the Marie whatyoucallit no he hadnt a
moustache that was Gardner yes I can see his face cleanshaven
Frseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeefrong that train again weeping tone once in the
dear
deaead days beyondre call close my eyes breath my lips forward kiss sad
look eyes open piano ere oer the world the mists began I hate that istsbeg
comes loves sweet sooooooooooong Ill let that out full when I get in front
of
the footlights again Kathleen Kearney and her lot of squealers Miss This
Miss That Miss Theother lot of sparrowfarts skitting around talking about
politics they know as much about as my backside anything in the world to
make themselves someway interesting Irish homemade beauties soldiers
daughter am I ay and whose are you bootmakers and publicans I beg your
pardon coach I thought you were a wheelbarrow theyd die down dead off
their feet if ever they got a chance of walking down the Alameda on an
officers arm like me on the bandnight my eyes flash my bust that they
havent passion God help their poor head I knew more about men and life
when I was 15 than theyll all know at 50
they dont know how to sing a song
like that Gardner said no man could look at my mouth and teeth smiling
like that and not think of it I was afraid he mightnt like my accent first
he so
English all father left me in spite of his stamps Ive my mothers eyes and
figure anyhow he always said theyre so snotty about themselves some
of
those cads he wasnt a bit like that he was dead gone on my lips let them
get
a husband first thats fit to be looked at and a daughter like mine or see
if
they can excite a swell with money that can pick and choose whoever he
wants like Boylan to do it 4 or 5
times locked in each others arms or the
voice either I could have been a prima donna only I married him comes
looooves old deep down chin back not too much make it double My Ladys
Bower is too long for an encore about the moated grange at twilight and
vaunted rooms yes Ill sing Winds that blow from the south that he gave
after the choirstairs performance Ill change that lace on my black dress
to
show off my bubs and Ill yes by God Ill get that big fan mended make them
burst with envy my hole is itching me always when I think of him I feel
I
want to I feel some wind in me better go easy not wake him have him at
it
again slobbering after washing every bit of myself back belly and sides
if we
had even a bath itself or my own room anyway I wish hed sleep in some bed
by himself with his cold feet on me give us room even to let a fart God
or do
the least thing better yes hold them like that a bit on my side piano quietly
sweeeee theres that train far away pianissimo eeeee one more tsong
that was a relief wherever you be let your wind go free who knows
if
that pork chop I took with my cup of tea after was quite good with the
heat
I couldnt smell anything off it Im sure that queerlooking man in the
porkbutchers is a great rogue I hope that lamp is not smoking fill my nose
up with smuts better than having him leaving the gas on all night I couldnt
rest easy in my bed in Gibraltar even getting up to see why am I so damned
nervous about that though I like it in the winter its more company O Lord
it
was rotten cold too that winter when I was only about ten was I yes I had
the big doll with all the funny clothes dressing her up and undressing
that
icy wind skeeting across from those mountains the something Nevada
sierra nevada standing at the fire with the little bit of a short shift
I had up
to heat myself I loved dancing about in it then make a race back into bed
Im
sure that fellow opposite used to be there the whole time watching with
the
lights out in the summer and I in my skin hopping around I used to love
myself then stripped at the washstand dabbing and creaming only when it
came to the chamber performance I put out the light too so then there were
2 of us goodbye to my sleep for this night anyhow
I hope hes not going to
get in with those medicals leading him astray to imagine hes young again
coming in at 4 in the morning it must be if not more
still he had the manners
not to wake me what do they find to gabber about all night squandering
money and getting drunker and drunker couldnt they drink water then he
starts giving us his orders for eggs and tea and Findon haddy and hot
buttered toast I suppose well have him sitting up like the king of the
country
pumping the wrong end of the spoon up and down in his egg wherever he
learned that from and I love to hear him falling up the stairs of a morning
with the cups rattling on the tray and then play with the cat she rubs
up
against you for her own sake I wonder has she fleas shes as bad as a woman
always licking and lecking but I hate their claws I wonder do they
see
anything that we cant staring like that when she sits at the top of the
stairs
so long and listening as I wait always what a robber too that lovely fresh
place I bought I think Ill get a bit of fish tomorrow or today is it Friday
yes
I will with some blancmange with black currant jam like long ago not those
2 lb pots of mixed plum and apple from the London
and Newcastle
Williams and Woods goes twice as far only for the bones I hate those eels
cod yes Ill get a nice piece of cod Im always getting enough for 3
forgetting
anyway Im sick of that everlasting butchers meat from Buckleys loin chops
and leg beef and rib steak and scrag of mutton and calfs pluck the very
name is enough or a picnic suppose we all gave 5/- each and or let him
pay
it and invite some other woman for him who Mrs Fleming and drove out to
the furry glen or the strawberry beds wed have him examining all the horses
toenails first like he does with the letters no not with Boylan there yes
with
some cold veal and ham mixed sandwiches there are little houses down at
the bottom of the banks there on purpose but its as hot as blazes he says
not
a bank holiday anyhow I hate those ruck of Mary Ann coalboxes out for
the day Whit Monday is a cursed day too no wonder that bee bit him better
the seaside but Id never again in this life get into a boat with him after
him
at Bray telling the boatman he knew how to row if anyone asked could he
ride the steeplechase for the gold cup hed say yes then it came on to get
rough the old thing crookeding about and the weight all down my side
telling me pull the right reins now pull the left and the tide all swamping
in
floods in through the bottom and his oar slipping out of the stirrup its
a
mercy we werent all drowned he can swim of course me no theres no
danger whatsoever keep yourself calm in his flannel trousers Id like to
have
tattered them down off him before all the people and give him what that
one
calls flagellate till he was black and blue do him all the good in the
world
only for that longnosed chap I dont know who he is with that other beauty
Burke out of the City Arms hotel was there spying around as usual on the
slip always where he wasnt wanted if there was a row on youd vomit a
better face there was no love lost between us thats 1 consolation I wonder
what kind is that book he brought me Sweets of Sin by a gentleman of
fashion some other Mr de Kock I suppose the people gave him that
nickname going about with his tube from one woman to another I couldnt
even change my new white shoes all ruined with the saltwater and the hat
I
had with that feather all blowy and tossed on me how annoying and
provoking because the smell of the sea excited me of course the sardines
and
the bream in Catalan bay round the back of the rock they were fine all
silver in the fishermens baskets old Luigi near a hundred they said came
from Genoa and the tall old chap with the earrings I dont like a man you
have to climb up to to get at I suppose theyre all dead and rotten long
ago
besides I dont like being alone in this big barracks of a place at night
I
suppose Ill have to put up with it I never brought a bit of salt in even
when
we moved in the confusion musical academy he was going to make on the
first floor drawingroom with a brassplate or Blooms private hotel he
suggested go and ruin himself altogether the way his father did down in
Ennis like all the things he told father he was going to do and me but
I saw
through him telling me all the lovely places we could go for the honeymoon
Venice by moonlight with the gondolas and the lake of Como he had a
picture cut out of some paper of and mandolines and lanterns O how nice
I
said whatever I liked he was going to do immediately if not sooner will
you
be my man will you carry my can he ought to get a leather medal with a
putty rim for all the plans he invents then leaving us here all day youd
never
know what old beggar at the door for a crust with his long story might
be a
tramp and put his foot in the way to prevent me shutting it like that picture
of that hardened criminal he was called in Lloyds Weekly news 20
years in
jail then he comes out and murders an old woman for her money imagine
his poor wife or mother or whoever she is such a face youd run miles away
from I couldnt rest easy till I bolted all the doors and windows to make
sure
but its worse again being locked up like in a prison or a madhouse they
ought to be all shot or the cat of nine tails a big brute like that that
would
attack a poor old woman to murder her in her bed Id cut them off him so
I
would not that hed be much use still better than nothing the night I was
sure I heard burglars in the kitchen and he went down in his shirt with
a
candle and a poker as if he was looking for a mouse as white as a sheet
frightened out of his wits making as much noise as he possibly could for
the
burglars benefit there isnt much to steal indeed the Lord knows still its
the
feeling especially now with Milly away such an idea for him to send the
girl
down there to learn to take photographs on account of his grandfather
instead of sending her to Skerrys academy where shed have to learn not
like
me getting all 1s at school only hed do a thing like
that all the same on
account of me and Boylan thats why he did it Im certain the way he plots
and plans everything out I couldnt turn round with her in the place lately
unless I bolted the door first gave me the fidgets coming in without
knocking first when I put the chair against the door just as I was washing
myself there below with the glove get on your nerves then doing the loglady
all day put her in a glasscase with two at a time to look at her if he
knew she
broke off the hand off that little gimcrack statue with her roughness and
carelessness before she left that I got that little Italian boy to mend
so that
you cant see the join for 2 shillings wouldnt even
teem the potatoes for you
of course shes right not to ruin her hands I noticed he was always talking
to
her lately at the table explaining things in the paper and she pretending
to
understand sly of course that comes from his side of the house he cant
say I
pretend things can he Im too honest as a matter of fact and helping her
into
her coat but if there was anything wrong with her its me shed tell not
him I
suppose he thinks Im finished out and laid on the shelf well Im not no
nor
anything like it well see well see now shes well on for flirting too with
Tom
Devans two sons imitating me whistling with those romps of Murray girls
calling for her can Milly come out please shes in great demand to pick
what
they can out of her round in Nelson street riding Harry Devans bicycle
at
night its as well he sent her where she is she was just getting out of
bounds
wanting to go on the skatingrink and smoking their cigarettes through their
nose I smelt it off her dress when I was biting off the thread of the button
I
sewed on to the bottom of her jacket she couldnt hide much from me I tell
you only I oughtnt to have stitched it and it on her it brings a parting
and
the last plumpudding too split in 2 halves see it
comes out no matter what
they say her tongue is a bit too long for my taste your blouse is open
too
low she says to me the pan calling the kettle blackbottom and I had to
tell
her not to cock her legs up like that on show on the windowsill before
all
the people passing they all look at her like me when I was her age of course
any old rag looks well on you then a great touchmenot too in her own way
at the Only Way in the Theatre royal take your foot away out of that I
hate
people touching me afraid of her life Id crush her skirt with the pleats
a lot
of that touching must go on in theatres in the crush in the dark theyre
always trying to wiggle up to you that fellow in the pit at the Gaiety
for
Beerbohm Tree in Trilby the last time Ill ever go there to be squashed
like
that for any Trilby or her barebum every two minutes tipping me there and
looking away hes a bit daft I think I saw him after trying to get near
two
stylishdressed ladies outside Switzers window at the same little game I
recognised him on the moment the face and everything but he didnt
remember me yes and she didnt even want me to kiss her at the Broadstone
going away well I hope shell get someone to dance attendance on her the
way I did when she was down with the mumps and her glands swollen
wheres this and wheres that of course she cant feel anything deep yet I
never came properly till I was what 22 or so it went
into the wrong place
always only the usual girls nonsense and giggling that Conny Connolly
writing to her in white ink on black paper sealed with sealingwax though
she clapped when the curtain came down because he looked so handsome
then we had Martin Harvey for breakfast dinner and supper I thought to
myself afterwards it must be real love if a man gives up his life for her
that
way for nothing I suppose there are a few men like that left its hard to
believe in it though unless it really happened to me the majority of them
with not a particle of love in their natures to find two people like that
nowadays full up of each other that would feel the same way as you do
theyre usually a bit foolish in the head his father must have been a bit
queer
to go and poison himself after her still poor old man I suppose he felt
lost
shes always making love to my things too the few old rags I have wanting
to
put her hair up at 15 my powder too only ruin her
skin on her shes time
enough for that all her life after of course shes restless knowing shes
pretty
with her lips so red a pity they wont stay that way I was too but theres
no
use going to the fair with the thing answering me like a fishwoman when
I
asked to go for a half a stone of potatoes the day we met Mrs Joe Gallaher
at the trottingmatches and she pretended not to see us in her trap with
Friery the solicitor we werent grand enough till I gave her 2
damn fine
cracks across the ear for herself take that now for answering me like
that
and that for your impudence she had me that exasperated of course
contradicting I was badtempered too because how was it there was a weed
in the tea or I didnt sleep the night before cheese I ate was it and I
told her
over and over again not to leave knives crossed like that because she has
nobody to command her as she said herself well if he doesnt correct her
faith I will that was the last time she turned on the teartap I was just
like
that myself they darent order me about the place its his fault of course
having the two of us slaving here instead of getting in a woman long ago
am
I ever going to have a proper servant again of course then shed see him
coming Id have to let her know or shed revenge it arent they a nuisance
that
old Mrs Fleming you have to be walking round after her putting the things
into her hands sneezing and farting into the pots well of course shes old
she
cant help it a good job I found that rotten old smelly dishcloth that got
lost
behind the dresser I knew there was something and opened the area
window to let out the smell bringing in his friends to entertain them like
the
night he walked home with a dog if you please that might have been mad
especially Simon Dedalus son his father such a criticiser with his glasses
up
with his tall hat on him at the cricket match and a great big hole in his
sock
one thing laughing at the other and his son that got all those prizes for
whatever he won them in the intermediate imagine climbing over the
railings if anybody saw him that knew us I wonder he didnt tear a big hole
in his grand funeral trousers as if the one nature gave wasnt enough for
anybody hawking him down into the dirty old kitchen now is he right in
his
head I ask pity it wasnt washing day my old pair of drawers might have
been hanging up too on the line on exhibition for all hed ever care with
the
ironmould mark the stupid old bundle burned on them he might think was
something else and she never even rendered down the fat I told her and
now
shes going such as she was on account of her paralysed husband getting
worse theres always something wrong with them disease or they have to go
under an operation or if its not that its drink and he beats her Ill have
to
hunt around again for someone every day I get up theres some new thing
on sweet God sweet God well when Im stretched out dead in my grave I
suppose Ill have some peace I want to get up a minute if Im let wait O
Jesus
wait yes that thing has come on me yes now wouldnt that afflict you of
course all the poking and rooting and ploughing he had up in me now what
am I to do Friday Saturday Sunday wouldnt that pester the soul out of a
body unless he likes it some men do God knows theres always something
wrong with us 5 days every 3
or 4 weeks usual monthly auction isnt it
simply sickening that night it came on me like that the one and only time
we
were in a box that Michael Gunn gave him to see Mrs Kendal and her
husband at the Gaiety something he did about insurance for him in
Drimmies I was fit to be tied though I wouldnt give in with that gentleman
of fashion staring down at me with his glasses and him the other side of
me
talking about Spinoza and his soul thats dead I suppose millions of years
ago I smiled the best I could all in a swamp leaning forward as if
I was
interested having to sit it out then to the last tag I wont forget that
wife of
Scarli in a hurry supposed to be a fast play about adultery that idiot
in the
gallery hissing the woman adulteress he shouted I suppose he went and had
a woman in the next lane running round all the back ways after to make
up
for it I wish he had what I had then hed boo I bet the cat itself is better
off
than us have we too much blood up in us or what O patience above its
pouring out of me like the sea anyhow he didnt make me pregnant as big
as
he is I dont want to ruin the clean sheets I just put on I suppose the
clean
linen I wore brought it on too damn it damn it and they always want to
see
a stain on the bed to know youre a virgin for them all thats troubling
them
theyre such fools too you could be a widow or divorced 40
times over a
daub of red ink would do or blackberry juice no thats too purply O Jamesy
let me up out of this pooh sweets of sin whoever suggested that business
for
women what between clothes and cooking and children this damned old
bed too jingling like the dickens I suppose they could hear us away over
the
other side of the park till I suggested to put the quilt on the floor with
the
pillow under my bottom I wonder is it nicer in the day I think it is easy
I
think Ill cut all this hair off me there scalding me I might look like
a young
girl wouldnt he get the great suckin the next time he turned up my clothes
on me Id give anything to see his face wheres the chamber gone easy Ive
a
holy horror of its breaking under me after that old commode I wonder was
I too heavy sitting on his knee I made him sit on the easychair purposely
when I took off only my blouse and skirt first in the other room he was
so
busy where he oughtnt to be he never felt me I hope my breath was sweet
after those kissing comfits easy God I remember one time I could scout
it
out straight whistling like a man almost easy O Lord how noisy I hope
theyre bubbles on it for a wad of money from some fellow Ill have to
perfume it in the morning dont forget I bet he never saw a better pair
of
thighs than that look how white they are the smoothest place is right there
between this bit here how soft like a peach easy God I wouldnt mind being
a
man and get up on a lovely woman O Lord what a row youre making like
the jersey lily easy easy O how the waters come down at Lahore
who knows is there anything the matter with my insides or have I
something growing in me getting that thing like that every week when was
it
last I Whit Monday yes its only about 3 weeks I ought
to go to the doctor
only it would be like before I married him when I had that white thing
coming from me and Floey made me go to that dry old stick Dr Collins for
womens diseases on Pembroke road your vagina he called it I suppose thats
how he got all the gilt mirrors and carpets getting round those rich ones
off
Stephens green running up to him for every little fiddlefaddle her vagina
and her cochinchina theyve money of course so theyre all right I wouldnt
marry him not if he was the last man in the world besides theres something
queer about their children always smelling around those filthy bitches
all
sides asking me if what I did had an offensive odour what did he want me
to
do but the one thing gold maybe what a question if I smathered it all
over
his wrinkly old face for him with all my compriments I suppose hed know
then and could you pass it easily pass what I thought he was talking about
the rock of Gibraltar the way he put it thats a very nice invention too
by the
way only I like letting myself down after in the hole as far as I can squeeze
and pull the chain then to flush it nice cool pins and needles still theres
something in it I suppose I always used to know by Millys when she was
a
child whether she had worms or not still all the same paying him for that
how much is that doctor one guinea please and asking me had I frequent
omissions where do those old fellows get all the words they have omissions
with his shortsighted eyes on me cocked sideways I wouldnt trust him too
far to give me chloroform or God knows what else still I liked him when
he
sat down to write the thing out frowning so severe his nose intelligent
like
that you be damned you lying strap O anything no matter who except an
idiot he was clever enough to spot that of course that was all thinking
of
him and his mad crazy letters my Precious one everything connected with
your glorious Body everything underlined that comes from it is a thing
of
beauty and of joy for ever something he got out of some nonsensical book
that he had me always at myself 4 and
5 times a day sometimes and I said I
hadnt are you sure O yes I said I am quite sure in a way that shut him
up I
knew what was coming next only natural weakness it was he excited me I
dont know how the first night ever we met when I was living in Rehoboth
terrace we stood staring at one another for about lo minutes as if we met
somewhere I suppose on account of my being jewess looking after my
mother he used to amuse me the things he said with the half sloothering
smile on him and all the Doyles said he was going to stand for a member
of
Parliament O wasnt I the born fool to believe all his blather about home
rule and the land league sending me that long strool of a song out of the
Huguenots to sing in French to be more classy O beau pays de la Touraine
that I never even sang once explaining and rigmaroling about religion and
persecution he wont let you enjoy anything naturally then might he as a
great favour the very 1st opportunity he
got a chance in Brighton square
running into my bedroom pretending the ink got on his hands to wash it
off
with the Albion milk and sulphur soap I used to use and the gelatine still
round it O I laughed myself sick at him that day I better not make an
alnight sitting on this affair they ought to make chambers a natural size
so
that a woman could sit on it properly he kneels down to do it I suppose
there isnt in all creation another man with the habits he has look at the
way
hes sleeping at the foot of the bed how can he without a hard bolster its
well
he doesnt kick or he might knock out all my teeth breathing with his hand
on his nose like that Indian god he took me to show one wet Sunday in the
museum in Kildare street all yellow in a pinafore lying on his side on
his
hand with his ten toes sticking out that he said was a bigger religion
than
the jews and Our Lords both put together all over Asia imitating him as
hes
always imitating everybody I suppose he used to sleep at the foot of the
bed
too with his big square feet up in his wifes mouth damn this stinking
thing
anyway wheres this those napkins are ah yes I know I hope the old press
doesnt creak ah I knew it would hes sleeping hard had a good time
somewhere still she must have given him great value for his money of course
he has to pay for it from her O this nuisance of a thing I hope theyll
have
something better for us in the other world tying ourselves up God help
us
thats all right for tonight now the lumpy old jingly bed always reminds
me
of old Cohen I suppose he scratched himself in it often enough and he
thinks father bought it from Lord Napier that I used to admire when I was
a little girl because I told him easy piano O I like my bed God here we
are
as bad as ever after 16 years how many houses were
we in at all Raymond
terrace and Ontario terrace and Lombard street and Holles street and he
goes about whistling every time were on the run again his huguenots or
the
frogs march pretending to help the men with our 4
sticks of furniture and
then the City Arms hotel worse and worse says Warden Daly that charming
place on the landing always somebody inside praying then leaving all their
stinks after them always know who was in there last every time were just
getting on right something happens or he puts his big foot in it Thoms
and
Helys and Mr Cuffes and Drimmies either hes going to be run into prison
over his old lottery tickets that was to be all our salvations or he goes
and
gives impudence well have him coming home with the sack soon out of the
Freeman too like the rest on account of those Sinner Fein or the freemasons
then well see if the little man he showed me dribbling along in the wet
all by
himself round by Coadys lane will give him much consolation that he says
is so capable and sincerely Irish he is indeed judging by the sincerity
of the
trousers I saw on him wait theres Georges church bells wait 3
quarters the
hour 1 wait 2 oclock well thats
a nice hour of the night for him to be
coming home at to anybody climbing down into the area if anybody saw
him Ill knock him off that little habit tomorrow first Ill look at his
shirt to
see or Ill see if he has that French letter still in his pocketbook I suppose
he
thinks I dont know deceitful men all their 20 pockets
arent enough for their
lies then why should we tell them even if its the truth they dont believe
you
then tucked up in bed like those babies in the Aristocrats Masterpiece
he
brought me another time as if we hadnt enough of that in real life without
some old Aristocrat or whatever his name is disgusting you more with those
rotten pictures children with two heads and no legs thats the kind of villainy
theyre always dreaming about with not another thing in their empty heads
they ought to get slow poison the half of them then tea and toast for him
buttered on both sides and newlaid eggs I suppose Im nothing any more
when I wouldnt let him lick me in Holles street one night man man tyrant
as ever for the one thing he slept on the floor half the night naked the
way
the jews used when somebody dies belonged to them and wouldnt eat any
breakfast or speak a word wanting to be petted so I thought I stood out
enough for one time and let him he does it all wrong too thinking only
of
his own pleasure his tongue is too flat or I dont know what he forgets
that
wethen I dont Ill make him do it again if he doesnt mind himself and
lock
him down to sleep in the coalcellar with the blackbeetles I wonder was
it her
Josie off her head with my castoffs hes such a born liar too no hed never
have the courage with a married woman thats why he wants me and Boylan
though as for her Denis as she calls him that forlornlooking spectacle
you
couldnt call him a husband yes its some little bitch hes got in with even
when I was with him with Milly at the College races that Hornblower with
the childs bonnet on the top of his nob let us into by the back way he
was
throwing his sheeps eyes at those two doing skirt duty up and down I tried
to wink at him first no use of course and thats the way his money goes
this
is the fruits of Mr Paddy Dignam yes they were all in great style at the
grand funeral in the paper Boylan brought in if they saw a real officers
funeral thatd be something reversed arms muffled drums the poor horse
walking behind in black L Boom and Tom Kernan that drunken little
barrelly man that bit his tongue off falling down the mens W C drunk in
some place or other and Martin Cunningham and the two Dedaluses and
Fanny MCoys husband white head of cabbage skinny thing with a turn in
her eye trying to sing my songs shed want to be born all over again and
her
old green dress with the lowneck as she cant attract them any other way
like
dabbling on a rainy day I see it all now plainly and they call that friendship
killing and then burying one another and they all with their wives and
families at home more especially Jack Power keeping that barmaid he does
of course his wife is always sick or going to be sick or just getting better
of
it and hes a goodlooking man still though hes getting a bit grey over the
ears theyre a nice lot all of them well theyre not going to get my husband
again into their clutches if I can help it making fun of him then behind
his
back I know well when he goes on with his idiotics because he has sense
enough not to squander every penny piece he earns down their gullets and
looks after his wife and family goodfornothings poor Paddy Dignam all the
same Im sorry in a way for him what are his wife and 5 children going to
do unless he was insured comical little teetotum always stuck up in some
pub corner and her or her son waiting Bill Bailey wont you please come
home her widows weeds wont improve her appearance theyre awfully
becoming though if youre goodlooking what men wasnt he yes he was at
the Glencree dinner and Ben Dollard base barreltone the night he borrowed
the swallowtail to sing out of in Holles street squeezed and squashed into
them and grinning all over his big Dolly face like a wellwhipped childs
botty didnt he look a balmy ballocks sure enough that must have been a
spectacle on the stage imagine paying 5/- in the preserved seats for that
to
see him trotting off in his trowlers and Simon Dedalus too he was always
turning up half screwed singing the second verse first the old love is
the new
was one of his so sweetly sang the maiden on the hawthorn bough he was
always on for flirtyfying too when I sang Maritana with him at Freddy
Mayers private opera he had a delicious glorious voice Phoebe dearest
goodbye sweetheart sweetheart he always sang it not like Bartell
Darcy
sweet tart goodbye of course he had the gift of the voice so there
was no art
in it all over you like a warm showerbath O Maritana wildwood flower we
sang splendidly though it was a bit too high for my register even transposed
and he was married at the time to May Goulding but then hed say or do
something to knock the good out of it hes a widower now I wonder what
sort is his son he says hes an author and going to be a university professor
of Italian and Im to take lessons what is he driving at now showing him
my
photo its not good of me I ought to have got it taken in drapery that never
looks out of fashion still I look young in it I wonder he didnt make him
a
present of it altogether and me too after all why not I saw him driving
down
to the Kingsbridge station with his father and mother I was in mourning
thats 11 years ago now yes hed be 11 though what was the good in going
into mourning for what was neither one thing nor the other the first cry
was
enough for me I heard the deathwatch too ticking in the wall of course
he
insisted hed go into mourning for the cat I suppose hes a man now by this
time he was an innocent boy then and a darling little fellow in his lord
Fauntleroy suit and curly hair like a prince on the stage when I saw him
at
Mat Dillons he liked me too I remember they all do wait by God yes wait
yes hold on he was on the cards this morning when I laid out the deck
union with a young stranger neither dark nor fair you met before I thought
it meant him but hes no chicken nor a stranger either besides my face was
turned the other way what was the 7th card after that
the 10 of spades for a
journey by land then there was a letter on its way and scandals too the
3
queens and the 8 of diamonds for a rise in society yes wait it all came
out
and 2 red 8s for new garments look at that and didnt I dream something
too
yes there was something about poetry in it I hope he hasnt long greasy
hair
hanging into his eyes or standing up like a red Indian what do they go
about like that for only getting themselves and their poetry laughed at
I
always liked poetry when I was a girl first I thought he was a poet like
lord
Byron and not an ounce of it in his composition I thought he was quite
different I wonder is he too young hes about wait 88
I was married 88 Milly
is 15 yesterday 89 what age was
he then at Dillons 5 or 6 about
88 I suppose
hes 20 or more Im not too old for him if hes 23
or 24 I hope hes not that
stuckup university student sort no otherwise he wouldnt go sitting down
in
the old kitchen with him taking Eppss cocoa and talking of course he
pretended to understand it all probably he told him he was out of Trinity
college hes very young to be a professor I hope hes not a professor like
Goodwin was he was a potent professor of John Jameson they all write
about some woman in their poetry well I suppose he wont find many like
me
where softly sighs of love the light guitar where poetry is in the air
the blue
sea and the moon shining so beautifully coming back on the nightboat from
Tarifa the lighthouse at Europa point the guitar that fellow played was
so
expressive will I ever go back there again all new faces two glancing eyes
a
lattice hid Ill sing that for him theyre my eyes if hes anything of a poet
two
eyes as darkly bright as loves own star arent those beautiful words as
loves
young star itll be a change the Lord knows to have an intelligent person
to
talk to about yourself not always listening to him and Billy Prescotts
ad and
Keyess ad and Tom the Devils ad then if anything goes wrong in their
business we have to suffer Im sure hes very distinguished Id like to meet
a
man like that God not those other ruck besides hes young those fine young
men I could see down in Margate strand bathingplace from the side of the
rock standing up in the sun naked like a God or something and then
plunging into the sea with them why arent all men like that thered be some
consolation for a woman like that lovely little statue he bought I could
look
at him all day long curly head and his shoulders his finger up for you
to
listen theres real beauty and poetry for you I often felt I wanted to kiss
him
all over also his lovely young cock there so simple I wouldnt mind taking
him in my mouth if nobody was looking as if it was asking you to suck it
so
clean and white he looks with his boyish face I would too in a minute
even if some of it went down what its only like gruel or the dew theres
no
danger besides hed be so clean compared with those pigs of men I suppose
never dream of washing it from 1 years end to the other the most of them
only thats what gives the women the moustaches Im sure itll be grand if
I
can only get in with a handsome young poet at my age Ill throw them the
1st thing in the morning till I see if the wishcard comes out or Ill try
pairing
the lady herself and see if he comes out Ill read and study all I can find
or
learn a bit off by heart if I knew who he likes so he wont think me stupid
if
he thinks all women are the same and I can teach him the other part Ill
make him feel all over him till he half faints under me then hell write
about
me lover and mistress publicly too with our 2 photographs
in all the papers
when he becomes famous O but then what am I going to do about him
though
no thats no way for him has he no manners nor no refinement nor no
nothing in his nature slapping us behind like that on my bottom because
I
didnt call him Hugh the ignoramus that doesnt know poetry from a
cabbage thats what you get for not keeping them in their proper place
pulling off his shoes and trousers there on the chair before me so barefaced
without even asking permission and standing out that vulgar way in the
half
of a shirt they wear to be admired like a priest or a butcher or those
old
hypocrites in the time of Julius Caesar of course hes right enough in his
way to pass the time as a joke sure you might as well be in bed with what
with a lion God Im sure hed have something better to say for himself an
old
Lion would O well I suppose its because they were so plump and tempting
in my short petticoat he couldnt resist they excite myself sometimes its
well
for men all the amount of pleasure they get off a womans body were so
round and white for them always I wished I was one myself for a change
just to try with that thing they have swelling up on you so hard and at
the
same time so soft when you touch it my uncle John has a thing long I heard
those cornerboys saying passing the comer of Marrowbone lane my aunt
Mary has a thing hairy because it was dark and they knew a girl was
passing it didnt make me blush why should it either its only nature and
he
puts his thing long into my aunt Marys hairy etcetera and turns out to
be
you put the handle in a sweepingbrush men again all over they can pick
and
choose what they please a married woman or a fast widow or a girl for their
different tastes like those houses round behind Irish street no but were
to be
always chained up theyre not going to be chaining me up no damn fear
once I start I tell you for their stupid husbands jealousy why cant we
all
remain friends over it instead of quarrelling her husband found it out
what
they did together well naturally and if he did can he undo it hes coronado
anyway whatever he does and then he going to the other mad extreme about
the wife in Fair Tyrants of course the man never even casts a
2nd thought
on the husband or wife either its the woman he wants and he gets her what
else were we given all those desires for Id like to know I cant help it
if Im
young still can I its a wonder Im not an old shrivelled hag before my time
living with him so cold never embracing me except sometimes when hes
asleep the wrong end of me not knowing I suppose who he has any man
thatd kiss a womans bottom Id throw my hat at him after that hed kiss
anything unnatural where we havent I atom of any kind of expression in
us
all of us the same 2 lumps of lard before ever Id
do that to a man pfooh the
dirty brutes the mere thought is enough I kiss the feet of you senorita
theres
some sense in that didnt he kiss our halldoor yes he did what a madman
nobody understands his cracked ideas but me still of course a woman wants
to be embraced 20 times a day almost to make her look
young no matter by
who so long as to be in love or loved by somebody if the fellow you want
isnt there sometimes by the Lord God I was thinking would I go around by
the quays there some dark evening where nobodyd know me and pick up a
sailor off the sea thatd be hot on for it and not care a pin whose I was
only
do it off up in a gate somewhere or one of those wildlooking gipsies in
Rathfarnham had their camp pitched near the Bloomfield laundry to try
and steal our things if they could I only sent mine there a few times for
the
name model laundry sending me back over and over some old ones odd
stockings that blackguardlooking fellow with the fine eyes peeling a switch
attack me in the dark and ride me up against the wall without a word or
a
murderer anybody what they do themselves the fine gentlemen in their silk
hats that K C lives up somewhere this way coming out of Hardwicke lane
the night he gave us the fish supper on account of winning over the boxing
match of course it was for me he gave it I knew him by his gaiters and
the
walk and when I turned round a minute after just to see there was a woman
after coming out of it too some filthy prostitute then he goes home to
his
wife after that only I suppose the half of those sailors are rotten again
with
disease O move over your big carcass out of that for the love of Mike listen
to him the winds that waft my sighs to thee so well he may sleep and sigh
the
great Suggester Don Poldo de la Flora if he knew how he came out on the
cards this morning hed have something to sigh for a dark man in some
perplexity between 2 7s too in prison for Lord knows
what he does that I
dont know and Im to be slooching around down in the kitchen to get his
lordship his breakfast while hes rolled up like a mummy will I indeed did
you ever see me running Id just like to see myself at it show them attention
and they treat you like dirt I dont care what anybody says itd be much
better for the world to be governed by the women in it you wouldnt see
women going and killing one another and slaughtering when do you ever
see women rolling around drunk like they do or gambling every penny they
have and losing it on horses yes because a woman whatever she does she
knows where to stop sure they wouldnt be in the world at all only for us
they dont know what it is to be a woman and a mother how could they
where would they all of them be if they hadnt all a mother to look after
them what I never had thats why I suppose hes running wild now out at
night away from his books and studies and not living at home on account
of
the usual rowy house I suppose well its a poor case that those that have
a
fine son like that theyre not satisfied and I none was he not able to make
one
it wasnt my fault we came together when I was watching the two dogs up
in
her behind in the middle of the naked street that disheartened me altogether
I suppose I oughtnt to have buried him in that little woolly jacket I knitted
crying as I was but give it to some poor child but I knew well Id never
have
another our 1st death too it was we were never the same since O Im not
going to think myself into the glooms about that any more I wonder why
he
wouldnt stay the night I felt all the time it was somebody strange he brought
in instead of roving around the city meeting God knows who nightwalkers
and pickpockets his poor mother wouldnt like that if she was alive ruining
himself for life perhaps still its a lovely hour so silent I used to love
coming
home after dances the air of the night they have friends they can talk
to
weve none either he wants what he wont get or its some woman ready to
stick her knife in you I hate that in women no wonder they treat us the
way
they do we are a dreadful lot of bitches I suppose its all the troubles
we have
makes us so snappy Im not like that he could easy have slept in there on
the
sofa in the other room I suppose he was as shy as a boy he being so young
hardly 20 of me in the next room hed have heard me
on the chamber arrah
what harm Dedalus I wonder its like those names in Gibraltar Delapaz
Delagracia they had the devils queer names there father Vilaplana of Santa
Maria that gave me the rosary Rosales y OReilly in the Calle las Siete
Revueltas and Pisimbo and Mrs Opisso in Governor street O what a name
Id go and drown myself in the first river if I had a name like her O my
and
all the bits of streets Paradise ramp and Bedlam ramp and Rodgers ramp
and Crutchetts ramp and the devils gap steps well small blame to me if
I am
a harumscarum I know I am a bit I declare to God I dont feel a day older
than then I wonder could I get my tongue round any of the Spanish como
esta usted muy bien gracias y usted see I havent forgotten it all I thought
I
had only for the grammar a noun is the name of any person place or
thing
pity I never tried to read that novel cantankerous Mrs Rubio lent me by
Valera with the questions in it all upside down the two ways I always knew
wed go away in the end I can tell him the Spanish and he tell me the Italian
then hell see Im not so ignorant what a pity he didnt stay Im sure the
poor
fellow was dead tired and wanted a good sleep badly I could have brought
him in his breakfast in bed with a bit of toast so long as I didnt do it
on the
knife for bad luck or if the woman was going her rounds with the
watercress and something nice and tasty there are a few olives in the kitchen
he might like I never could bear the look of them in Abrines I could do
the
criada the room looks all right since I changed it the other way you see
something was telling me all the time Id have to introduce myself not
knowing me from Adam very funny wouldnt it Im his wife or pretend we
were in Spain with him half awake without a Gods notion where he is dos
huevos estrellados senor Lord the cracked things come into my head
sometimes itd be great fun supposing he stayed with us why not theres the
room upstairs empty and Millys bed in the back room he could do his
writing and studies at the table in there for all the scribbling he does
at it
and if he wants to read in bed in the morning like me as hes making the
breakfast for I he can make it for 2 Im sure Im not
going to take in lodgers
off the street for him if he takes a gesabo of a house like this Id love
to have
a long talk with an intelligent welleducated person Id have to get a nice
pair
of red slippers like those Turks with the fez used to sell or yellow and
a nice
semitransparent morning gown that I badly want or a peachblossom
dressing jacket like the one long ago in Walpoles only 8/6 or 18/6 Ill
just
give him one more chance Ill get up early in the morning Im sick of Cohens
old bed in any case I might go over to the markets to see all the vegetables
and cabbages and tomatoes and carrots and all kinds of splendid fruits
all
coming in lovely and fresh who knows whod be the 1st man Id meet theyre
out looking for it in the morning Mamy Dillon used to say they are and
the
night too that was her massgoing Id love a big juicy pear now to melt in
your mouth like when I used to be in the longing way then Ill throw him
up
his eggs and tea in the moustachecup she gave him to make his mouth
bigger I suppose hed like my nice cream too I know what Ill do Ill go about
rather gay not too much singing a bit now and then mi fa pieta Masetto
then Ill start dressing myself to go out presto non son piu forte Ill put
on my
best shift and drawers let him have a good eyeful out of that to make his
micky stand for him Ill let him know if thats what he wanted that his wife
is
fucked yes and damn well fucked too up to my neck nearly not by him 5
or
6 times handrunning theres the mark of his spunk on
the clean sheet I
wouldnt bother to even iron it out that ought to satisfy him if you dont
believe me feel my belly unless I made him stand there and put him into
me
Ive a mind to tell him every scrap and make him do it out in front of me
serve him right its all his own fault if I am an adulteress as the thing
in the
gallery said O much about it if thats all the harm ever we did in this
vale of
tears God knows its not much doesnt everybody only they hide it I suppose
thats what a woman is supposed to be there for or He wouldnt have made
us the way He did so attractive to men then if he wants to kiss my bottom
Ill
drag open my drawers and bulge it right out in his face as large as life
he
can stick his tongue 7 miles up my hole as hes there
my brown part then Ill
tell him I want 1 or perhaps 30/- Ill tell him I want to buy underclothes
then if he gives me that well he wont be too bad I dont want to soak it
all
out of him like other women do I could often have written out a fine cheque
for myself and write his name on it for a couple of pounds a few times
he
forgot to lock it up besides he wont spend it Ill let him do it off on
me
behind provided he doesnt smear all my good drawers O I suppose that
cant be helped Ill do the indifferent 1 or 2
questions Ill know by the answers
when hes like that he cant keep a thing back I know every turn in him Ill
tighten my bottom well and let out a few smutty words smellrump or lick
my shit or the first mad thing comes into my head then Ill suggest about
yes
O wait now sonny my turn is coming Ill be quite gay and friendly over it
O
but I was forgetting this bloody pest of a thing pfooh you wouldnt know
which to laugh or cry were such a mixture of plum and apple no Ill have
to
wear the old things so much the better itll be more pointed hell never
know
whether he did it or not there thats good enough for you any old thing
at all
then Ill wipe him off me just like a business his omission then Ill go
out Ill
have him eying up at the ceiling where is she gone now make him want me
thats the only way a quarter after what an unearthly hour I suppose theyre
just getting up in China now combing out their pigtails for the day well
soon have the nuns ringing the angelus theyve nobody coming in to spoil
their sleep except an odd priest or two for his night office or the alarmclock
next door at cockshout clattering the brains out of itself let me see if
I can
doze off 1 2 3 4 5 what kind of flowers are those
they invented like the stars
the wallpaper in Lombard street was much nicer the apron he gave me was
like that something only I only wore it twice better lower this lamp and
try
again so as I can get up early Ill go to Lambes there beside Findlaters
and
get them to send us some flowers to put about the place in case he brings
him home tomorrow today I mean no no Fridays an unlucky day first I
want to do the place up someway the dust grows in it I think while Im
asleep then we can have music and cigarettes I can accompany him first
I
must clean the keys of the piano with milk whatll I wear shall I wear a
white
rose or those fairy cakes in Liptons I love the smell of a rich big shop
at
7d a lb or the other ones with the cherries in them and the pinky sugar
I Id
a couple of lbs of those a nice plant for the middle of the table Id get
that
cheaper in wait wheres this I saw them not long ago I love flowers Id love
to
have the whole place swimming in roses God of heaven theres nothing like
nature the wild mountains then the sea and the waves rushing then the
beautiful country with the fields of oats and wheat and all kinds of things
and all the fine cattle going about that would do your heart good to
see
rivers and lakes and flowers all sorts of shapes and smells and colours
springing up even out of the ditches primroses and violets nature it is
as for
them saying theres no God I wouldnt give a snap of my two fingers for all
their learning why dont they go and create something I often asked him
atheists or whatever they call themselves go and wash the cobbles off
themselves first then they go howling for the priest and they dying and
why
why because theyre afraid of hell on account of their bad conscience ah
yes
I know them well who was the first person in the universe before there
was
anybody that made it all who ah that they dont know neither do I so there
you are they might as well try to stop the sun from rising tomorrow the
sun
shines for you he said the day we were lying among the rhododendrons on
Howth head in the grey tweed suit and his straw hat the day I got him to
propose to me yes first I gave him the bit of seedcake out of my mouth
and
it was leapyear like now yes 16 years ago my God after
that long kiss I near
lost my breath yes he said I was a flower of the mountain yes so we are
flowers all a womans body yes that was one true thing he said in his life
and
the sun shines for you today yes that was why I liked him because I saw
he
understood or felt what a woman is and I knew I could always get round
him and I gave him all the pleasure I could leading him on till he asked
me
to say yes and I wouldnt answer first only looked out over the sea and
the
sky I was thinking of so many things he didnt know of Mulvey and Mr
Stanhope and Hester and father and old captain Groves and the sailors
playing all birds fly and I say stoop and washing up dishes they called
it on
the pier and the sentry in front of the governors house with the thing
round
his white helmet poor devil half roasted and the Spanish girls laughing
in
their shawls and their tall combs and the auctions in the morning the
Greeks and the jews and the Arabs and the devil knows who else from all
the ends of Europe and Duke street and the fowl market all clucking
outside Larby Sharons and the poor donkeys slipping half asleep and the
vague fellows in the cloaks asleep in the shade on the steps and the big
wheels of the carts of the bulls and the old castle thousands of years
old yes
and those handsome Moors all in white and turbans like kings asking you
to sit down in their little bit of a shop and Ronda with the old windows
of
the posadas 2 glancing eyes a lattice hid for her
lover to kiss the iron and
the wineshops half open at night and the castanets and the night we missed
the boat at Algeciras the watchman going about serene with his lamp and
O
that awful deepdown torrent O and the sea the sea crimson sometimes like
fire and the glorious sunsets and the figtrees in the Alameda gardens yes
and all the queer little streets and the pink and blue and yellow houses
and
the rosegardens and the jessamine and geraniums and cactuses and
Gibraltar as a girl where I was a Flower of the mountain yes when I put
the
rose in my hair like the Andalusian girls used or shall I wear a red yes
and
how he kissed me under the Moorish wall and I thought well as well him
as
another and then I asked him with my eyes to ask again yes and then
he
asked me would I yes to say yes my mountain flower and first I put my
arms around him yes and drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts
all perfume yes and his heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will
Yes.
Trieste-Zurich-Paris
1914-1921