i have finally realized

that at heart blogging is, for me, often driven by the same force that pushed the slogan-enblazoned t-shirts i used to wear in high school: strong statements conceived under the influence of strong emotions, with an imagined strong effect in readers that in reality only really achieves mild confusion. and then, of course, these statements are rejected in memory because they lack any warmth of connection, like a photograph taken in an ecstatic moment that is unbelievably cold when reperceived. by then i have turned my back, as it were, on those words - and when it is not like this, it is boring.

actually, nothing on here really rises to the high standard of those past clothing pronouncements, but only because i now disagree with myself much too soon, before even posting!

this must change if i will ever be comfortable with recording myself in such a way online. but i doubt that i can avoid the almost-constant need to disagree with my former self. including this.
(accomplished: explain past dearth of postings and establish basis for future writing)