What's so unpleasant about being drunk? Just ask a glass of water.

My colleague gave me a bottle of Loosen Bros. Riesling for Christmas. We don't get too imaginative with gifts in our office, so you are pretty much always guaranteed a bottle of something alcoholic. It's better that way. Who needs another paperweight anyhow.

So, we cracked it open last weekend, and it was really quite good. I must say, however, that I know absolutely nothing about wine. I suppose that at one time I thought that being a wine expert was just the sort of sophisticated hobby that could propel me into contention for upper-class twit of the year. But, after sampling various lukewarm, bitter, and extremely overpriced bottles, I decided to give up in favor of the deliciously sweet and fruity blended concoctions (along the lines of margaritas and daiquiris).

Alcohol has several peculiar effects on me. The most amusing one is that, when I'm sufficiently drunk, I can be easily persuaded to sing in public. Granted, it's really not that difficult to get me to sing in public, even without having to resort to cocktails. But, when I'm a little bit tipsy, you can count on a most eccentric repertoire. In fact, I will gladly agree to sing anything ranging from an Italian aria to Prof. Siegel's "Modular Decomposition" song. In addition, alcohol makes me extremely good at chess and differential calculus. (Sadly, these particular effects do not extend into sobriety). Also, when sufficiently inebriated, that Monty Python "Mr. Hitler" sketch (No, no, nein, I was not head of Gestapo at all...I make joke) seems to be the most side-splittingly hilarious bit of comedy in the entire universe. Besides that, alcohol just makes me a little drowsy.

Anyway, this Riesling wine was very sweet (which might be a bad thing for the wine connoisseurs), so I certainly enjoyed it. It's actually a little bit like champagne - the scrumptious, cheap kind that tastes like spiked 7Up. According to the experts at wine.com, Riesling is best paired with foie gras. However, I can assure you that it goes just as well with cheetos and pepperoni pizza.