Complete Anatomy of a Geek

It starts out innocently enough. Maybe you go on a few dates with that nice boy who helped you with your math homework, and then, you suddenly find yourself trying on Yoda costumes for your romantic getaway to the Star Wars convention. Or maybe you are an eloquent English major who, thanks to some fortunate miracle, gets a job at Google, and next thing you know, you are surrounded by strange people who speak only in Perl, PHP, and Matrix references. Geeks are everywhere, and you are likely to interact with them at some point. So, as a public service, I offer you this short guide to help you understand the geeks in your life.

For those who question my authority on the subject, I'd like to point out that four years at the Bronx High School of Science, followed by four years at the Columbia Engineering School, followed by my current tenure at the Columbia Graduate School, as well as several years of employment in the geek-infested IT industry (not to mention my fondness for gross generalizations) make me utterly qualified to write extensively on this topic.

Literature
There are two major works of literature that constitute the primary source of enjoyment and discussion among geeks: The Lord of the Rings books, and the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy books. Every geek has read each collection a minimum of 42 times, and is prepared to quote and analyze it ad nauseam. While Tolkien and Adams have a sacred place on the geek bookshelf, other works are also a staple: The Ender's Game series by Orson Scott Card, some Neil Gaiman books, an occasional Terry Pratchett, and of course, Frank Herbert's Dune. Lesser (and younger) geeks may be involved in that whole Harry Potter phenomenon, although the older and wiser ones see it for the Hollywood gimmick that it really is. Geeks are drawn to books that are written in "series," which sadly, causes them to foolishly surrender so much of their money to unscrupulous quacks like Robert Jordan.

Alternate realities
All geeks are intimately familiar with the two major alternate realities: Star Trek and Star Wars. These are mutually exclusive, and allegiance is sworn to one or the other, but never to both. There is much antipathy between the two groups, and many battles have been fought over the superiority of one universe over the other. Geeks are often defined by their Trek/Wars loyalty, which is even ancestral in some cases. If you come from a Star Trek household, showing up at a Star Wars convention is an almost Shakespearean betrayal.

Television and Movies
Pretty much anything about space, aliens, robots, science, time travel, math, computers, or other geeks will be a big hit. Geeks also enjoy a lot of the cultish B movies - The Rocky Horror Picture Show and Army of Darkness are the two most popular favorites. As for comedy, geeks tend to gravitate toward Monty Python ("We are the knights who say Ni" is a popular geek slogan) and Mel Brooks (particularly, History of the World Part I). Geeks are also largely responsible for the prolific career of Matt Groening. Oh, and don't forget, pretty much anything with Harrison Ford, especially if George Lucas or Steven Spielberg are involved.

Food and Beverage
Geeks are not known for healthy dietary habits. In general, geeks enjoy food that is dispensed from a vending machine. Mostly, because it is convenient, but also, because snacks taste better when they are subject to the laws of physics. Geeks are also caffeine junkies, so mountain due, ballz, and red bull are frequently consumed in large quantities.

Religion
Religious thought is drawn from four major schools of theology - Middle Earth, The Force, The Q Continuum, and Dune. The Tolkien folks believe in orcs, hobbits, wizards, and various other creatures of Middle Earth. They are very eloquent, and are the most fun at parties (that is, until they get a bit tipsy and start talking in Elfish). The Star Wars geeks believe in The Force. It's really a very simple theology, and Star Wars geeks aren't the most creative people when it comes to the great mysteries of the Universe. The Star Trek geeks are the most scientifically minded, and reject all ideas that are not based on quantum physics. However, they do acknowledge the omnipotence of the Q Continuum. The Dune people are a weird bunch of psychedelic geeks who believe in sandworms, and have very strange ideas about water conservation. These people are very much like the scientologists of geeks, and you are well advised to avoid anyone who starts talking about the "Space Guild" or "spice."

Social Interactions
It is a common misconception that geeks purposefully avoid social interactions. In fact, geeks can often be very social creatures, particularly, when in an environment where they are surrounded by other geeks (such as a gaming convention, the Marshall Chess Club, or the front row of your Advanced Algorithms class). In fact, geeks do fall in love, get married, and have tiny geek offspring (who they consequently dress up in adorable "I TCP/IP but mostly IP" baby t-shirts).

Athletics
Due to their practical nature, geeks tend to stay away from sports where one can potentially get injured - football, snowboarding, skiing, and hockey are all completely out of the questions. Geek athletics include: chess, spades, hearts, blackjack, scrabble, speed cubing, Magic The Gathering, and various video games (quake, starcraft, etc). A lot of geeks claim to be "baseball fans" - this means that they are interested in sabermetrics, and care strictly about the mathematical aspects of the game (rather than the running around and sweating aspects). Two cultural differences should be noted at this point. In the republics of the former Soviet Union, chess is a very popular sport, and grandmasters easily attain superstar athlete status. So, Gary Kasparov enjoys popularity equivalent to that of Michael Jordan, for example. Also, in Korea, Starcraft is a professional sport, and gamers are considered professional athletes. Korea is a truly great country in that regard.

Education
Geeks will usually major in math, science, or engineering. It's the most popular stereotype, but it happens to be true. There are a few "word geeks," the most famous one of them is my mortal foe Will Shortz.

Scorn and Contempt
Geeks harbor a lot of scorn and contempt. This is mostly due to their elevated intelligence as compared to the average person. Geeks have little patience for idiocy, and generally get very upset when they feel that their intelligence is underestimated by others. That's why geeks retain a lot of disdain for movie producers who incorrectly use math and technology in their scripts. Geeks like to say "in my copious free time" whenever you ask them to do anything that they don't particularly care about (i.e. "Sure, I will implement that feature in my copious free time"). This is the geek's way of demonstrating his scorn for you and your silly wants. (To my great annoyance, geeks don't actually know to attribute that phrase to Mr. Tom Lehrer, and are always surprised when I tell them that he was the first to use it in the intro to his song "It Makes a Fellow Proud"). Scorn and contempt is also reserved for the following: the RIAA, the MPAA, "English Majors" (an all-inclusive term signifying anyone who is not majoring in math or engineering), the producers and writers of the television show "Numb3rs," lawyers, people who think that Sociology is a science, Bill Gates, users who tell you that "the Internet is broken" because eBay is slow to load, John Romero, software executives, and people who use copyrights in a foolish and unethical manner.

As a best practice, it's always a good idea to elevate the geeks in your life to an almost god-like status. Don't ask them to fix your computer, don't talk smack about Babylon 5, and (for the love of god) laugh when they tell you that "there are only 10 types of people in the world" for the 1100100'th time.