Some Links

Here are some interesting links that I'm browsing this evening, while I sit in programming class and try to ignore everything I'm told about how Java is the ultimate programming language:

• Epsilon-Delta on math and programming.

• Some professor offered his students B's if they would just stop showing up for his overcrowded class. Needless to say, humorless administrators were not amused.

• An interesting article on how Jackie Robinson desegregated America (from National Review, 1996)

• I think from now on I'm going to do all my homework in Shakespeare Lang. Just to mix it up a bit, and keep things interesting.

• The Onion interviews Steven Colbert. Hilarity ensues.

• Chessbase offers a short history of computer chess. Scroll to the bottom, where Gary Kasparov predicts (circa 1991) that a computer will beat the world champion in 2010 (this actually happened when Kasparov lost to IBM's Deep Blue in 1997).

• And while we are talking about chess, Nigel Short must've been smoking crack when he told reporters that he has been playing Bobby Fischer on ICC. But, everyone is allowed a bit of insanity when it comes to idol worship, so let's not be too harsh.

Motivation is overrated.

I am a very naïve girl. I attribute it mostly to youth, and continue to hope that all this will be corrected with age and experience. But perhaps it's some sort of tragic personality defect that I will never be rid of.

My gullibility usually manifests itself in my attitudes toward romance, baseball, and various lovely aspects of human nature. I suppose I always expect things to turn out just as they do in a Rodgers and Hammerstein musical, that is to say, quite well (with everyone singing in perfect harmony). A recent disillusionment occurred when someone who I've been exchanging nasty remarks with on a newsgroup told me that "Oklahoma!" (my third favorite musical of all time) is really about drugs and prostitution in the American Midwest. Since then, "there's a bright golden haze on the meadow" just isn't the same for me anymore. And, I won't even elaborate on the many crushing moments of disappointment that come with every baseball season. I'm not even talking about the Mets falling to the Braves for the umpteenth time, or the Yankees not living up to their payroll, but that whole steroid fiasco that continues to devastate my perpetually sentimental outlook.

Anyway, someone forwarded me a desperate site of demotivational material, and I absolutely loved it. It is just the sort of stuff that I need to set me well on my way to cynicism city (before Mr. Cashman and Mr. Minaya turn my hopeful optimism into morbid disenchantment once again). My favorite demotivators are about destiny - "You were meant for me. Perhaps as a punishment" and potential - "Not everyone gets to be an astronaut when they grow up." I also like the one about stupidity - "Quitters never win, winners never quit, but those who never win AND never quit are idiots." (If you are about to suggest that it's also an appropriate slogan for a certain baseball team from Flushing, hold it right there... and I know who you are!)

Well, they are all funny, so go check it out and have a depressing day.

A few utterly useless problems in NLP

Natural Language Processing is very difficult to do. For me, most of the difficulty arises from linguistic limitations. To do NLP well, you need to have a firm grasp of English language and grammar, and really be a linguistics expert. This is certainly not my specialty. Nonetheless, I find NLP to be a very interesting field of computer science, and I like to read and think about it, whenever time allows.

I want to propose two utterly useless problems in NLP that I've been considering this weekend. In the spirit of the Columbia University Computer Science Department (whose motto should really be "the idea is the important thing") I won't actually code anything, but merely discuss the theory of the problem.

Consider this example first: Suppose that I want to find out how many of my blog posts reference Mr. Tom Lehrer. Well, the first thing that we could do is just search all the text for the string "Tom Lehrer" or better yet, just "Lehrer." However, that won't pick up on the posts where I quote some line from Mr. Lehrer's records, without actually writing "Lehrer." Finding those posts is a much more difficult task. The first obstacle is to define what we really mean by "reference." Is a reference a single line from a song? A complete sentence from an intro? Will we count fragments of a sentence/lyric? And does a fragment have to be comma delimited, or will we define it otherwise? How about when I say "it seems to me" - should that be excluded? What about relatively common phrases like "we're just as close as we can be" that I might use without intending a reference? There are clearly a lot of special cases - a programmer's worst nightmare (oh no a special case). So if I were actually coding this, I would define a reference as either "Lehrer," a complete line from a song, or a complete sentence from an intro. Even after doing some nifty text processing I would still have a really bad program. For example, what if I ever write a post about Jim Lehrer, or some other Lehrer - I didn't write any exceptions that would catch that. Not to mention lack of provisions for sentence and lyrics fragments, a completely unreasonable runtime, and so on.

Now, consider a more complicated example: every intelligent person with a sense of humor hates Mark Russell. On his webpage, the self-proclaimed (because nobody else would ever proclaim such nonsense) "master of political satire" posts a few dull jokes every month. The archives go back to 2003, so there's quite a bit of unfunny data to work with. Suppose that we would like to systematically prove what everyone already knows - that all of Mark Russell's jokes are pretty much the same. That is a very complicated problem in Natural Language Processing, because it requires not only a deep understanding of the structure of English sentences, but also must take into account various aspects of content. We can go about proving the similarity of his "jokes" in various ways. We can do content analysis, and indicate that a certain high percentage of jokes are about Iraq, or Bush, or the Congress, etc. This is easy to program, however, it doesn't do nearly enough justice to just how uncreative his material really is. If we want to be fancy, we can create some sort of reference file for each month (a manual process) that will contain key words for major current events for that period (like: abortion, El Nino, Monica, etc), and match it against the jokes for that month. Another way of proving similarity is to analyze the sentence structure of his jokes and indicate that a lot of them are formulated in the same way. (For example, if you do such analysis on Yakov Smirnoff's material, you will find a lot of sentences of the form: In Soviet Russia noun, transitive verb, YOU!) In this case, this is a ridiculously intricate task and really represents the crux of the difficulty in analyzing and processing a natural language.

Creative thoughts on the topic, as well as code samples, are always appreciated, and I will certainly indulge any intelligent discussion. However, if you spam me with "I love Mark Russell you suck Irina" don't expect a response. Also, (unless you know me intimately) please don't send me anything that is already compiled.

Why don't you blog about ...

This is where I answer some of your questions in the "why don't you blog about blah" category.

Why don't you blog about politics?
A lot of political current events make me very upset and even angry. The current political situation in the world is very serious, and I really try to keep a "relaxed and groovy" tone with most of my posts here. I generally like to read Talking Points Memo and The Washington Note - it's their job to blog about politics, and they are both quite good at it (although, sometimes I turn to the more traditional news sources, such as The Daily Show). While I have very strong convictions, I don't have any creative input on the topics. If one day I wake up and have a great idea about how to fix the electoral college, or eliminate poverty, I will certainly blog about that.

Why don't you blog about your personal life?
Because it's none of your business. Also, it's not very interesting.

Why don't you blog about the Dodgers?
Because they are dead to me! Dead to me! Ok, here's a story I like to tell. Some time ago, there was a great restaurant near my mother's house in Bay Ridge, called "The Brooklyn Dodger." They were sued by the LA Dodgers for various trademark infringements. When they went to court, the Dodgers claimed that the restaurant was trading on the "good name and the good will" of the LA Dodgers. The Brooklyn judge, who was the first to hear the case, immediately dismissed all the charges. He claimed that there was no good will for the Dodgers in Brooklyn, and so their claims were moot. If nothing else, we sure know how to hold a grudge.

Why don't you blog about me?
And what makes you so special? If you do something fun and interesting, I'll blog about it.

Why don't you blog about fashion/shopping/shoes/etc?
Eh, I don't really follow fashion, mostly because I have fairly minimalist (old fashioned, maybe) tastes. I like it when girls wear bouncy skirts and high heels, and I like it when men wear white button-down shirts with the sleeves rolled up to just below the elbow. I've been a fan of those hideous plastic IBM style glasses before they became so trendy. Similarly, I've favored black clothes long before black became the new black, (mostly because it makes doing laundry so much easier). My biggest fashion woe is that I can't wear my stiletto heels because they get stuck between the cobblestones on College Walk. I buy most of my clothes at Banana Republic, although I'm somewhat partial to D&G. My greatest fashion fantasy (and fear) is that those four gay men will come to my house, throw out all of my clothes, and give me one perfectly tailored D&G dress. And, that's pretty much the extent of my input on the topic.

Why don't you blog about that friend of yours?
Because he/she has asked me not to. Some people still live with the (false) idea of personal privacy, and I don't want to be the one to disillusion them.

Why don't you blog about Henry Rollins/The Beastie Boys/Insert Yor Favorite Ageing Alternative Icon?
I will. But, you probably won't like what I have to say.

Lunch at the Met

To celebrate the 250th anniversary of Mozart's birth, head over to the Met this afternoon for what should be an interesting performance of "Così fan tutte." I've never seen a professional production of this opera, so this should be fun.

Happy weekend everyone.

I could be studying, but that would be too sensible.

Sometimes (ok, often), instead of programming for my thesis, I go to Butler Library and search the stacks, folios, and microfilm reserves for articles about Mr. Tom Lehrer. I've been tracking down articles that I haven't been able to find on the fan sites and forums. Generally, it's the same standard talking points, but sometimes, I come across some really good stuff (like that 1981 American Scholar Article).

This is actually a fun hobby, and it presents a good opportunity to learn a different aspect of scholarly research that I wouldn't have otherwise been exposed to (at least that's how I justify the wasted time). Most engineers never see the inside of the periodicals room, and we discount microfilm in pretty much the same prehistoric technological category as the abacus.

There is this one guy in the periodicals room at Butler who has been helping me for a few weeks now, and has shown me how to use the microfilm machines. Today, I stopped by during lunch to try to track down some New York Times articles from 1967. I suppose he couldn't contain his curiosity any longer, and he asked me whether I was a history or journalism major. To his surprise, I explained that I was actually in the math and engineering fields, and this was really a sort of hobby. Completely ignoring the dozens of frustrated history doctoral students banging their heads against the microfilm monitors, he agreed to help me anyway.

So, I've tracked down quite a few of these articles. For the more recent stuff, I usually get the text of the article from ProQuest, and if I want to see the print (for the pictures) I go to the microfilm or the folios. There are a lot of articles from the early 80s (coinciding with the release of "Tomfoolery") and from 2000s (coinciding with the release of "The Remains of Tom Lehrer").

Today, I found two articles from 1967, about some controversy that came up in a suburban NY State school after a teacher played Mr. Lehrer's "That Was The Week That Was" record for her class. The first article is from May 12, and has a funny bit at the very end, where they ask Mr. Lehrer to comment on whether he thought that the words to his songs were in bad taste. His reply was "Certainly they are. They are in very bad taste. Now someone should come along and write a pro-Catholic song." On May 25th of 1967, the NYTimes wrote a follow-up to that article, about how the teacher was reprimanded.

While I was there, I also found the original review from February 9, 1959, containing the now famous line "Mr. Lehrer's muse was not fettered by such inhibiting factors as taste..."

Email's Done Broke

The Exchange Servers crapped out. (What's that you say? You are not surprised?) If you need to reach me, this is a good time to pick up the phone.

ETA for resolution is some time in the indefinite future.

An explanation

Ok. I feel like I owe an explanation to certain people. Particularly, those few who ran into me last night, at around 9:30pm, as I was leaving campus after my last class. I can't help but cringe as I recall their confused expressions as they hopelessly tried to understand what I was saying.

Here is what happens. On most occasions, I speak English pretty well. I mean, in terms of sentence structure and pronunciation. However, when I get very tired, or when I solve a lot of math (I do arithmetic in Russian), my accent deteriorates into something truly awful. It becomes a sort of weird blend of a typical Brooklyn accent, a typical British accent, and Yakov Smirnoff. I also tend to forget adverbs, and that certainly doesn't help the situation.

Yesterday, I had work from 8am-4pm, followed by class from 4pm-9pm. I enjoyed my Discrete Math class, but after that, it was pretty much a losing battle to retain consciousness while avoiding a lethal overdose of caffeine. So, by the time that I started to make my way home, my accent was quite appalling.

I am much better now, as I always am in the morning. So... err... sorry about that, folks.

This Evening's Reflection: TC People

The people at Teacher's College seem to be the nicest, most pleasant people at Columbia. I think that it has to do with an entirely different academic mentality that rarely surfaces in other disciplines.

In the engineering school they think: I will make this work, I will make this work better, I will make lots of money, go me!

In the math department they think: I will understand this, and even though only two other people in the world will read my explanation, I will be happy because of this great feeling of self-fulfillment, go me!

However, at Teacher's College they think: Let me do something to make you understand this, and you will make things better.

That's really a very selfless sort of attitude, and it becomes quite apparent when you deal with people who are interested in education. I guess that's why they are so fun and groovy, as compared to the other bunch.

Discrete Math Class

"The bookstore has the text? At a finite price, I hope?" That is how Professor Henry Pollak started the first lecture of our discrete math class last week. Right away, I was really glad that I decided to take his class this semester, as opposed to the one at SEAS.

I usually don't review a class until at least well after the midterm, but this time I just felt compelled to write something brief (especially, since a lot of people have been asking me about it).

Anyone can pick up a good (or even a bad) discrete math text and figure out what's going on. The benefit and enjoyment that you derive from being in a class really depends on what the Professor has to offer. Fortunately, Prof. Pollak is a fun, interesting, and engaging instructor. He has an impressive background (Harvard PhD 1951, over 30 years as the Director of Math Research at Bell Labs, and 18 years teaching at Columbia) and a delightful manner. His examples, jokes and diversions are very funny and useful (although he seems to use food in a lot of his examples - a regrettable choice for a class that meets in the 5-7pm slot).

What I found to be especially great is that Professor Pollak really understands the significance of the subject. In American schools, combinatorics is almost never taught past the middle school level. Pretty much, from the moment you enter high school, your entire math education is designed to prepare you for freshman Calculus. In addition, almost all liberal arts college programs don't have a discrete math requirement, and are content to just let the students pass two semesters of Calculus. I haven't researched the history of this curriculum choice, but I suspect that continuous mathematics was always preferred to discrete mathematics because it is more "beautifully structured." Theoretical mathematicians care a lot about elegance and beauty, while engineers care about function and practicality. In truth, the two disciplines are very interdependent, and Knuth's text on Concrete Math (CONtinuous and discRETE) is a remarkably fantastic approach. I can write extensively on the value of discrete mathematics in high school and college education (and I will, when I have some more time), so I was really delighted that Prof. Pollak seems to share a similar point of view.

Another important thing that should be noted: I was happy to learn that Professor Pollak makes it fairly easy for you to pass your computer math competency as long as you learn the material and do really well in the class. (This may seem obvious, but don't take it for granted).

Java Concepts, 4th Edition

I need to borrow Java Concepts, 4th Edition, by Cay Hortsmann. I'll be damned if I buy another useless Java book, so I hope that somebody can come through for me on this one. I need it through the end of May. As always, I extend my standard offer of lunch at the local establishment of your choice.

An Unwelcome Adventure

The conversation went as follows:

Boss: You are going to Michigan.
Me: You mean I'm going to stop over in Michigan on my way to California.
Boss: No. You are going to Michigan, and you are going to stay there for a whole week.
Me: But WHYYYYYYYYYYY?
Boss: blah blah blah training blah blah system administration blah blah professional development blah blah benefit the College blah blah blah
Me: But WHYYYYYYYYYYY?
Boss: You are in Michigan from February 6th through the 10th. You better learn stuff.
Me: But it's so cold in Michigan! And scary! It's like a different country! You might as well send me to the North Pole!
Boss: You keep this up and I will.
Me: We don't know that Michigan even exists! Do you know anyone from Michigan? I don't! Why can't I go to California? We know that California exists! I've been there, you've been there, I have a cousin in San Francisco, you won't even have to pay for the hotel, and I could learn stuff in California too. Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease!!!
Boss: You better book your flight and hotel now.
Me: To California?
Boss: To Michigan!!!

So, it looks like I'm going to Michigan. I always wondered what sort of people go to places like Michigan (especially in February). And now I know - unsuspecting sysadmins who foolishly mentioned something about "wanting more technical training" during a staff meeting with management.

I'm always a little bit afraid of that big chunk of land that sits so ominously between New York and San Francisco. It's all very very foreign to me. My few adventures in the Midwest have done nothing to alleviate my feelings of apprehension toward the region (and by the way, I tend to call everything between NY and CA "the Midwest"). I've been searching through my address book, trying to find anyone who might be in Michigan. I can't think of a single person. I realize now that the people who were my best friends in college are the same people who were my best friends at Bronx Science (with a few tagalongs from Stuyvesant and Brooklyn Tech), and they are all now in either New York, Boston, or Princeton. So much for that "global experience" Columbia boasts so much about.

I'll post again as I book my flight and hotel, and have some sort of itinerary for my week there. I hope somebody will want to meet and go to a movie, or take me around the magical wonderland that is Detroit.

Chicken is the answer

Others are finally discovering what I have known for a very long time - when diplomacy fails, let fried chicken do the talking. In an absolutely hilarious article from the Boston Globe, Rasha Elass reports on how people in Syria just can't resist the sinfully delicious buckets of greasy goodness from KFC. The sentiment in Syria appears the be along the lines of - "We hate America and everything that it stands for, but damn, we love that fried chicken. Just keep it coming, really."

I suspect that this is all part of the administration's new strategy to spread heart disease and obesity to entirely new parts of the world. The sodium bomb is quickly becoming our most powerful weapon of mass destruction.

Complete Anatomy of a Geek

It starts out innocently enough. Maybe you go on a few dates with that nice boy who helped you with your math homework, and then, you suddenly find yourself trying on Yoda costumes for your romantic getaway to the Star Wars convention. Or maybe you are an eloquent English major who, thanks to some fortunate miracle, gets a job at Google, and next thing you know, you are surrounded by strange people who speak only in Perl, PHP, and Matrix references. Geeks are everywhere, and you are likely to interact with them at some point. So, as a public service, I offer you this short guide to help you understand the geeks in your life.

For those who question my authority on the subject, I'd like to point out that four years at the Bronx High School of Science, followed by four years at the Columbia Engineering School, followed by my current tenure at the Columbia Graduate School, as well as several years of employment in the geek-infested IT industry (not to mention my fondness for gross generalizations) make me utterly qualified to write extensively on this topic.

Literature
There are two major works of literature that constitute the primary source of enjoyment and discussion among geeks: The Lord of the Rings books, and the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy books. Every geek has read each collection a minimum of 42 times, and is prepared to quote and analyze it ad nauseam. While Tolkien and Adams have a sacred place on the geek bookshelf, other works are also a staple: The Ender's Game series by Orson Scott Card, some Neil Gaiman books, an occasional Terry Pratchett, and of course, Frank Herbert's Dune. Lesser (and younger) geeks may be involved in that whole Harry Potter phenomenon, although the older and wiser ones see it for the Hollywood gimmick that it really is. Geeks are drawn to books that are written in "series," which sadly, causes them to foolishly surrender so much of their money to unscrupulous quacks like Robert Jordan.

Alternate realities
All geeks are intimately familiar with the two major alternate realities: Star Trek and Star Wars. These are mutually exclusive, and allegiance is sworn to one or the other, but never to both. There is much antipathy between the two groups, and many battles have been fought over the superiority of one universe over the other. Geeks are often defined by their Trek/Wars loyalty, which is even ancestral in some cases. If you come from a Star Trek household, showing up at a Star Wars convention is an almost Shakespearean betrayal.

Television and Movies
Pretty much anything about space, aliens, robots, science, time travel, math, computers, or other geeks will be a big hit. Geeks also enjoy a lot of the cultish B movies - The Rocky Horror Picture Show and Army of Darkness are the two most popular favorites. As for comedy, geeks tend to gravitate toward Monty Python ("We are the knights who say Ni" is a popular geek slogan) and Mel Brooks (particularly, History of the World Part I). Geeks are also largely responsible for the prolific career of Matt Groening. Oh, and don't forget, pretty much anything with Harrison Ford, especially if George Lucas or Steven Spielberg are involved.

Food and Beverage
Geeks are not known for healthy dietary habits. In general, geeks enjoy food that is dispensed from a vending machine. Mostly, because it is convenient, but also, because snacks taste better when they are subject to the laws of physics. Geeks are also caffeine junkies, so mountain due, ballz, and red bull are frequently consumed in large quantities.

Religion
Religious thought is drawn from four major schools of theology - Middle Earth, The Force, The Q Continuum, and Dune. The Tolkien folks believe in orcs, hobbits, wizards, and various other creatures of Middle Earth. They are very eloquent, and are the most fun at parties (that is, until they get a bit tipsy and start talking in Elfish). The Star Wars geeks believe in The Force. It's really a very simple theology, and Star Wars geeks aren't the most creative people when it comes to the great mysteries of the Universe. The Star Trek geeks are the most scientifically minded, and reject all ideas that are not based on quantum physics. However, they do acknowledge the omnipotence of the Q Continuum. The Dune people are a weird bunch of psychedelic geeks who believe in sandworms, and have very strange ideas about water conservation. These people are very much like the scientologists of geeks, and you are well advised to avoid anyone who starts talking about the "Space Guild" or "spice."

Social Interactions
It is a common misconception that geeks purposefully avoid social interactions. In fact, geeks can often be very social creatures, particularly, when in an environment where they are surrounded by other geeks (such as a gaming convention, the Marshall Chess Club, or the front row of your Advanced Algorithms class). In fact, geeks do fall in love, get married, and have tiny geek offspring (who they consequently dress up in adorable "I TCP/IP but mostly IP" baby t-shirts).

Athletics
Due to their practical nature, geeks tend to stay away from sports where one can potentially get injured - football, snowboarding, skiing, and hockey are all completely out of the questions. Geek athletics include: chess, spades, hearts, blackjack, scrabble, speed cubing, Magic The Gathering, and various video games (quake, starcraft, etc). A lot of geeks claim to be "baseball fans" - this means that they are interested in sabermetrics, and care strictly about the mathematical aspects of the game (rather than the running around and sweating aspects). Two cultural differences should be noted at this point. In the republics of the former Soviet Union, chess is a very popular sport, and grandmasters easily attain superstar athlete status. So, Gary Kasparov enjoys popularity equivalent to that of Michael Jordan, for example. Also, in Korea, Starcraft is a professional sport, and gamers are considered professional athletes. Korea is a truly great country in that regard.

Education
Geeks will usually major in math, science, or engineering. It's the most popular stereotype, but it happens to be true. There are a few "word geeks," the most famous one of them is my mortal foe Will Shortz.

Scorn and Contempt
Geeks harbor a lot of scorn and contempt. This is mostly due to their elevated intelligence as compared to the average person. Geeks have little patience for idiocy, and generally get very upset when they feel that their intelligence is underestimated by others. That's why geeks retain a lot of disdain for movie producers who incorrectly use math and technology in their scripts. Geeks like to say "in my copious free time" whenever you ask them to do anything that they don't particularly care about (i.e. "Sure, I will implement that feature in my copious free time"). This is the geek's way of demonstrating his scorn for you and your silly wants. (To my great annoyance, geeks don't actually know to attribute that phrase to Mr. Tom Lehrer, and are always surprised when I tell them that he was the first to use it in the intro to his song "It Makes a Fellow Proud"). Scorn and contempt is also reserved for the following: the RIAA, the MPAA, "English Majors" (an all-inclusive term signifying anyone who is not majoring in math or engineering), the producers and writers of the television show "Numb3rs," lawyers, people who think that Sociology is a science, Bill Gates, users who tell you that "the Internet is broken" because eBay is slow to load, John Romero, software executives, and people who use copyrights in a foolish and unethical manner.

As a best practice, it's always a good idea to elevate the geeks in your life to an almost god-like status. Don't ask them to fix your computer, don't talk smack about Babylon 5, and (for the love of god) laugh when they tell you that "there are only 10 types of people in the world" for the 1100100'th time.

The day so far...

My grandmother, who in her retirement has few hobbies besides correcting my grammar, just emailed me a long list of the many terrible errors that I've made in recent posts. Most of them have to do with comma placement, verb usage, and just really bad sentence structure. I'm quite ashamed.

On a happier note - much thanks to the nice person who sent me the large pizza! I am feeling much better, and will be back on campus tomorrow. I was feeling quite rotten in the morning, and went to the nearest doctor who accepts my insurance. He happened to be a very sketchy, middle-aged Russian man with big arms and anchor tattoos, who insisted on calling me "Irochka" and "kissa" (kitten). We had a brief discussion about how "in Soviet Russia, the flu gets you!" I am very good at self-diagnosis, so I told him exactly what antibiotic I needed (tetracycline). He said "sure whatever you want honey" and wrote the prescription. I love these ex-Soviet doctors with questionable ethics, who will pretty much give you whatever prescription you ask for.

Home Sick

I am staying at home today, because I'm sick with the flu, or something equally icky. I really hate being sick, so this sucks.

While I let Nyquil and Afrin turn my feverish brain to total mush, here is what I'm planning to do for entertainment:

• I'm going to finally watch MIT's "God and Computers" Lecture Series with D.E. Knuth.
• I am going to see about getting a new pair of glasses, without actually having to go to the optometrist.
• I am going to configure a MacBook Pro, drool a bit, and try to find out what selling a kidney really entails.
• I am going to watch these videos of 10 lectures on LISP (it makes you more attractive to the opposite sex, I hear).
• I am going to write some more letters to Dan Brown. "Dear Dan Brown, today I hate you so much because..."
• I am going to take a nap.
  

Of course, I am going to try to come up with some more creative content for you, dear readers. However, I take no responsibility for whatever insanely incoherent ramblings I produce in my drugged up state.

1947: Parking In Cars With Boys

I love the public domain (and archive.org) because it allows me to find delectable web gems, such as this video of a 1947 educational film, on how to be popular.

I have always been fascinated with what life was like in America in that post WW2 period. I especially love it when people from that generation write to me to point out just how wrong I am to assume that before google, wikipedia, and the ipod, everyone just sat around in caves scratching themselves and throwing poop at one another.

My favorite year in American history is, of course, 1955 - the Brooklyn Dodgers won the World Series, "Oklahoma!" came out on 70mm film, 12-year old Bobby Fischer played in his first USCF tournament, "Songs By Tom Lehrer" was released on double EP, and two IBM 650s were installed in the Watson Scientific Computing Laboratory at Columbia University. 1955 is also significant in that it marks the birth of Steve Jobs, thus setting into motion the sequence of events that eventually brought us OSX, iTunes, and the orgasmically beautiful 1.83GHz Intel Core Duo MacBook Pro.

Anyway, this video was lots of fun, and you should go check it out. However, it took me a little while to get the "parking in cars with boys" bit. I have never heard that expression, and I think it's a very sweet way of putting it.

Guide to Picking Graduate School Classes

Taking classes is my favorite aspect of being a graduate student. Research is boring and solitary. You sit alone for many hours, waiting for that one moment of revelation, only to realize that you made an error somewhere at the very beginning, and have to start all over again. Classes, on the other hand, are fun. There is something I find particularly enjoyable about having an elderly gentleman explain things to me for a few hours a week. Analyze that as you will.

Schools vary in the requirements that are necessary for various graduate programs, but you almost always get to spend at least one full year taking classes before you have to focus most of your time on research. I think that you should make the most of that time. And so, to commemorate the start of the spring semester, I am offering a short guide to picking your graduate school classes. (I want to point out that most of what I write is from an engineering/math perspective, and I make no effort to generalize my advice for other disciplines).

1. It's all about the professor. This is the most important thing to remember when picking classes. Not counting requirements that you can't avoid, picking a good class is mostly about picking a good professor.

2. Just because a professor is extremely prominent in his field doesn't mean that he will be a good teacher. (I have tried for numerous degrees, in fact I've one of each; Of course that makes me eminently qualified to teach). Here are a few things you can do to make sure that you don't get stuck in a class with a professor who only cares about winning the Nobel Prize, and knows nothing about education:

• Ask your friends, go on message boards, and ask around the department. You may not always be able to find out who the great teachers are, but you will certainly be able to find out who the crappy ones are. Fortunately, the truly awful ones usually have a reputation, and it shouldn't be too difficult to figure out which ones to avoid.
• Google the professor. Check out some of his papers and conference submissions, but mostly try to see if he is a real prick on message boards and newsgroups. If he constantly starts flame wars with 12 year-olds on the Stargate Atlantis newsgroup, maybe you want to avoid this guy. On the other hand, maybe you don't. Get as much information as possible, and make an intelligent assessment.
• Email the professor before the class starts. Ask him lots of questions. Ask him to borrow the textbook before the semester begins. Really try to harass him. If he is responsive and helpful, that is a good sign. If you never hear from him (unless he is on sabbatical or in China), chances are that he will not be too receptive to your questions when the class begins either.

3. Even if you don't particularly care about the subject, still consider taking the class if it's taught by a great professor. However, make sure that the subject matter is not so far out of your reach that you will have difficulty passing. For example, if you are an English major, don't take Brian Greene's "Advanced Geometric Concepts for Physics" class. Rather, wait until he teaches something of the "Physics for Poets" or "Gravity is Your Friend" variety.

4. Take classes where you have to do homework. Homework is fun. When you move on to research, you will focus on enormous, and often, unsolvable problems. That is a very disheartening sort of situation to be in, and can really crush your spirit. So, while you have the opportunity, take classes where you can do homework with solvable problems. There is a lot of joy and fulfillment in solving a problem and getting the right answer. It's a good feeling, and you are well advised to seek it out before you move on to working on p=np.

5. Avoid taking a class just because it fits into your schedule. Sometimes the temptation is too great, but at least try to find another reason for taking the class.

6. Take as many workshops as you can afford to pay for. Workshops are a great way to meet new professors, and work with a small group of people. Professors who decide to teach a workshop are really passionate about the subject matter (since, in most cases, they really need to push the department to allow them to organize the workshop), and this usually makes for a great class. Plus, the commitment is short, so if you are not so much into the subject (or the professor), you won't have to suffer for too long.

7. Don't try to master more than one new technical skill in any given semester. Learning a new technical skill (particularly when it comes to programming) at a graduate level is not easy. So, try to avoid taking a Perl class in the same semester as a Java class; don't try to become a SQL expert in the same semester that you take your first LISP class, and so on. Graduate classes in such practical subjects are always extremely difficult and require a ridiculous amount of work. Unless you need to acquire that skill right away for some aspect of your thesis (or for a job), do them one at a time, and try to pair them with corresponding theoretical subjects (i.e. a Database Programming class goes well with Monte Carlo Simulation).

8. Avoid classes that are popular with undergrads. Undergrad curriculums are structured differently from graduate ones, and the professor will have to focus most of his attention on the undergrads. Also, undergrads who take advanced level classes (especially in the engineering departments) are so so so annoying (I know, because I was one).

9. Take classes with your friends. Most graduate classes will require you to do projects in small groups. It's a good idea to be in a class with your friends, and thus, form a group with people you know and like. You don't want to be the loser who has to get placed into a group by the Professor. That's socially awkward, and you probably won't have as much fun working on the project as you would if you were in a group with your friends. It's also better to form project groups with friends because it allows you to resolve scheduling and work distribution conflicts in an amicable fashion.

10. If you need an easy A, take a Stats class in a non-math/engineering department. A lot of pseudo-science departments (such as psychology, sociology, anthropology, and political science) offer their own Statistics classes, outside the school's math and engineering departments. These classes are always full of humanities-minded individuals who dread the very idea of having to do any sort of simple calculation. Such classes are usually taught by an Adjunct Professor who will be delighted to have at least one person who understands the material. Once word gets out that you know how to solve the problem sets, women will want to date you, men will want to change the oil in your car (or vice-versa) and most importantly, you will get that A, having put in very little effort.

Now, if only I could follow my own advice.

First day of school

Whenever anyone dresses up in our "office" (although, it's more of a "subterranean lair" than any sort of traditional office) everyone assumes that they have a job interview that day. And, by "dressing up" I really mean anything other than jeans, sneakers, and an RTFM t-shirt. So, a polo shirt means that you are interviewing with Google; a button down shirt means that you are interviewing with Microsoft; a suit and tie means that you are interviewing with Goldman Sachs. I like to dress up in skirts and heels (even if I'm not interviewing), so I've had to gradually wean my colleagues from the innate assumption that if I don't look like a slacker, I'm hunting for another job.

Today is the first day of classes for the Spring Semester, so I really went all out with my outfit, and thus, I've been fielding "oooh got an interview downtown do ya?" questions all day long. It must be that Soviet mentality that always kicks in at the beginning of every semester. In the Soviet Union, the first day of school (always September 1st) was almost a national holiday. Everyone looked really sharp and spiffy, and the children were always carrying flowers (for the teachers) and lots of freshly sharpened pencils. It was really fun, pleasant, and exciting. So, I guess I still retain that sentiment, and it's quite nice.

Why Java?

I started carrying around my Java In a Nutshell book. Occasionally, when I'm on the train or at a restaurant, I take it out, and start reading it. Whenever I do this, I am overcome by strong feelings of reticence and extreme embarrassment. I always imagine that people are staring at me, and thinking terrible thoughts about my choice of programming language.

I imagine the following conversations with random strangers...

Stranger: You are programming in Java?
Me: Yea.
Stranger: Why?
Me: Because I go to Columbia.
Stranger: Haven't you heard of Python? Why don't you use Python?
Me: Because I go to Columbia.
Stranger: Perl is so much better. Why don't you use Perl?
Me: Because I go to Columbia.
Stranger: What about Lisp? Or Ruby? Any of those are better than Java. Why don't you use those?
Me: Because I go to Columbia.

And so on. I have such a complex. If you see me browsing through a stack of Java books, please be sympathetic and don't ostracize me for using an inferior language.

Torchwood

It seems that I am always a little bit behind on all the latest Doctor Who news (which is not surprising, seeing how I don't even get the BBC here). And so, I am constantly made fun of by my British comrades over in the newsgroups - usually something along the lines of "Haha you didn't know that Daleks could do that?! Haha!" (And even though I am thrilled that the SciFi Channel is picking up Doctor Who in the US, we are still going to be a full season behind the BBC).

That's ok. I am still grateful to this glorious electronic web of info for bringing torrents and useless knowledge into my life. Particularly now that I found out that Captain Jack - the sexier, American-er, male character on the show - has been given his own spin off. It is called "Torchwood" which is an anagram for "Doctor Who."

Unfortunately, the BBC article about the show claims that "no stories will cross over between Torchwood and Doctor Who." I think this is a guaranteed way to make certain that no viewers will cross over between the two shows either.

Plummeting Productivity

It's official - reddit has surpassed fark, slashdot, and digg, as my primary source of useless content. Highly addictive by nature, reddit has also topped all other sites as the major cause for my plummeting productivity.

I would like to write an intelligent article about why reddit is so superior to all other such information providers (in terms of site design, engineering, and architecture). But, I don't have enough time... because I'm too busy reading reddit.

Don't Blink

20-year old Leyan Lo, of CalTech, set the world record for solving the Rubik's cube, with a time of 11.13 seconds. I am so incredibly impressed with that!

My personal best time is 2 minutes 23 seconds. I don't use one of the faster algorithms, but even if I did, I still wouldn't break 2 minutes. It takes me about 15 seconds just to orient myself and process the starting position of the cube. So, it's just mind-boggling that this guy set this record at a little over 11 seconds. I wonder if someone could base any sort of cognition or neuroscience study on this.

Weekend Reading (and Viewing)

Don't go to the mall today. Just don't. There is nothing there for you. Instead, here are some links for you to enjoy during your long weekend.

• An interesting and informative article on "How To Read Mathematics" by Shai Simonson and Fernando Gouvea.

• Everyone loves graph theory. Now you can brush up your skills with this fantastic free text from Reinhard Diestel.

• Do you love web2.0? How about curvy edges? Do you have more money than sense? Then wankr is the place for you.

• I've been talking about the number spiral a lot lately. Go to the page, and then call me for an interesting conversation.

• Learn LISP. It will make you much more attractive to the opposite sex.

• Read the Nobel biography of Martin Luther King.

• Archive.org has the entire video of the "Fermat Fest" with Professor Robert Osserman (Bronx Science class of 1942) doing a very fun bit with musical examples and even props. (For a bonus, Tom Lehrer's "That's Mathematics" over the closing credits).

• In the 60's, Columbia University was a hotbed of social activism. All we get from my generation are some lazy grad students trying to unionize, and a few hung over sophomores protesting the closing of Mike's Papaya. Archive.org has an excellent documentary on the Columbia student takeover of the late 60s: Part 1, and Part 2.

We can discuss all of this on Tuesday.

Respect My Authorita

I often have to be very authoritative with my interns, hardware vendors, users, Dell and Veritas analysts, and various other minor life forms. I am a very relaxed and groovy sort of girl, so that whole dictatorial manner doesn't come naturally to me.

Nonetheless, for the sake of productivity, I've decided to become a more autocratic person when I am at work. The first step to becoming an effective (yet benevolent) tyrant is to have a commanding way of telling people to get stuff done. You are either doing something, or you are not. "Talking about it" is a subset of "not." So, in order to decrease idle chit-chat and increase productivity, I need to come up with a good way to order people around.

I've considered several options. I can say "I need you to do this right away," but that is just too verbose. By the time that I get to the "right away" part, they've already stopped listening and are back to reading slashdot. "Make it so" has that nice ring to it, but my manager has already monopolized that phrase, and we can't have two people walking around saying "make it so" (that would just detract from it). "Just do it" sounds too commercial, and I'll probably get a cease and desist letter from Nike.

Finally, I decided to borrow from Captain Piccard, and go with "Engage!" It's concise, catchy, very versatile, and I really think that this will work well for me.

To the hardware vendor: I need 40 LTO2 tapes by Tuesday. Engage!
To the intern: All of these workstations need to be ghosted. Engage!
To the Veritas analyst: I need the most recent security patch. Engage!
To the crew of the Enterprise: The Borg are gaining on us. Engage!

And so on. I will document the tremendous increase in my productivity that will inevitably result as I adopt this new attitude. Hopefully, that will free up time for some much needed diversions.

Latest Installment of the Asinine Beyond Comprehension Newsletter

Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to using Windows for mission-critical applications.

After installing the latest security patches on a Dell PowerEdge 2550 running Windows 2000 Enterprise Server, I promptly rebooted. Windows wouldn't load, and was terminating with the following stop code: *** STOP: 0x0000007B (0xF201B848, 0xC0000034, 0x00000000, 0x00000000) INACCESSIBLE_BOOT_DEVICE

I called Dell, and explained the situation. The analyst sent me the correct perc drivers for the hardware config, and I booted off the w2k CD to restore the SCSI drivers. I asked him why this was happening to me, and he said that probably because I did something bad when I was a child, but also because of Windows Update. Evidently, in applying the latest patch, Microsoft overwrites the Dell SCSI driver with its own Microsoft SCSI driver. This is a known issue, to both parties, and apparently, happens all the time to unsuspecting sysadmins.

Here's what you have to do:

1. Go to ftp://ftp.dell.com/scsi-raid and download the appropriate driver for your system. Load the files onto a floppy disk. (This is the driver for the PowerEdge 2550).
2. Boot off the W2k CD.
3. F6 to install a third-party SCSI or RAID driver.
4. Follow the directions on the screen, and once installed, reboot.
5. If the problem continues, use your ERD to recover Windows. (You do have recent ERDs? Don't you?)

Here's the exact email that the Dell analyst sent me upon my request to put his allegations about Windows Update in writing:

Dear Ms. Paley,

I am writing, upon your request, to confirm that your Dell Poweredge 2550 would not boot up into Windows because you installed Windows Update, which overwrote the correct SCSI driver with the incorrect one. That's right, I said it: it's all Microsoft's fault. But cheer up. Just think of Microsoft as the guaranteed employment act for system administrators.

Sincerely,
Walt

I suppose it helps to have a sense of humor about such things.

Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.

I've been reading Oreilly's "Time Management For System Administrators" (mostly for the User Friendly comics), and it got me thinking about how I spend my time and prioritize my activities. I realized that there is a substantial difference between how I should be spending my time and how things actually turn out at the end of the day.

Here is what my priorities should look like (that is, if I care about being a healthy and productive member of society):

1. Work
2. School
3. Social Obligations
4. Physical Exercise
5. Blogging
6. Reading Fark, Slashdot, and Reddit
7. Research into the life and career of Mr. Tom Lehrer
8. Browsing videos on archive.org
9. Gaming
10. Random time wasted on the Internet

This is how I actually spend my time:

1. Work
2. Reading Fark, Slashdot, and Reddit
3. Research into the life and career of Mr. Tom Lehrer
4. Random time wasted on the Internet
5. Browsing videos on archive.org
6. Gaming
7. Blogging
8. Physical Exercise
9. Social Obligations
10. School

This is not counting the time I spend reading, singing and dancing, watching Monty Python, and dorking out with Perl and Javascript, which is really non-negotiable, so I chose to leave it out of this organizational scheme.

Since I am taking several classes next semester, I need to free up some more time for school. Also, a lot of people are upset that I have been canceling my lunch dates, so I'll need to free up some time for social obligations as well. This means that I won't be able to waste so much of my day browsing the Internet for interesting content. It also means that I won't have as much time for my research into the life and career of Mr. Tom Lehrer.

There are three things that I am currently trying to find out:

1. A 1981 American Scholar article indicates that Tom Lehrer spent a year at Columbia University. I'm trying to find out in what capacity that was - as a student/instructor/researcher/local super-awesome guy/etc. I thought of trying to pull a few favors (even though I have none left) with somebody over at the registrar's office, since they are supposed to keep track of such things. Finding out what the particular year was (or at least a small range) would be a good first step. But I haven't gotten that far yet.

2. Various sources indicate that Tom Lehrer was involved in a Dodge industrial film in 1967, called either "1967 Dodge Rebellion Theater" or "Dodge Rebellion Memories." Various sketchy and insecure sites are selling a DVD of this for some 35 bucks, but I really wanted to find out more before making any purchase. I was hoping some historical society (or auto club) would have it. I checked the Columbia library system and NYPL, but was not able to find anything.

3. I'd like to find out what dissertation topic Mr. Lehrer was working on when he was a PhD at Harvard. There is no registry of unfinished dissertations, so this is going to be a bit tricky. I am not sure why nobody ever asked him about his graduate work during any of the interviews. But I suppose that a long explanation of some advanced mathematical concept wouldn't make for very good journalism. All the obvious searches (as in, "Tom Lehrer +dissertation") yield results along the lines of "Tom Lehrer never finished his dissertation." Even though it appears that Mr. Lehrer focused his academic career on teaching (rather than research), it still seems highly unlikely that he could spend so many years in graduate school without at least co-authoring something.

I really much rather figure this stuff out on my own, without having to harass the poor man with yet more letters. Plus, there's that whole joy of discovery I've heard so much about. If anyone out there (a bored undergrad who wants to become my best friend, perhaps) wishes to help me out, that would be fantastic.

Just remember - you can do anything you set your mind to when you have vision, determination, and an endless supply of student labor.

I am writing this from the machine room...

I've been spending so much time in the machine room lately that the techs there issued me my own lab coat. They gave me one in the smallest size that they could find. That's pretty cool, in a very sad sad sad sort of way.

Dan Brown Plot Generator Revisited

Due to some inevitable linkage on high-traffic sites such as reddit, the Dan Brown post is experiencing unusual web popularity.

As a result, I have been getting a lot of mail from people with suggestions on how to expand and improve the plot generator with added features and complicated graphics. Somebody even suggested that I rewrite the entire thing in Perl (although I think that Ook! would be more appropriate for such a task).

I'd like to point out that this was just a little joke (to amuse myself, mostly), and I really don't have time to work on it anymore. However, feel free to take the source and make it into a hot and trendy webapp, or anything else you have in mind, really. If it makes you feel any better, I am publishing it under the Creative Commons Share Alike 2.5 license.

How Letting Cuba Play Will Hurt The US

I've been thinking some more about the embargo on Cuba, and their expected absence from the so-called "World" Baseball Classic. I envisioned several possible (however improbable) scenarios that, if realized, would fully justify the embargo as sensible and practical foreign policy. Here we go.

Scenario #1: El Duque and Contreras

The embargo is lifted and Cuba is allowed to enter a team into the World Baseball Classic. They request the presence of Orlando Hernandez and Jose Contreras in their starting rotation, and both pitchers accept. El Duque starts the first game of the tournament. After the first few innings, he feels some tightness in his shoulder. He tells his manager that he wants to be taken out. His manager calls him a "soft capitalist pussy" and leaves him in for 6 more innings. El Duque's shoulder explodes. As a result, Contreras must start every single remaining game. Both pitchers suffer terrible damage to the tendons in their throwing arms, and thus, are forced to sit out most of the 2006 season. Without Hernandez and Contreras, the Chicago White Sox decline to the bottom of their division. They finish the season dead last, with the third worst record in baseball (followed only by the Padres, and then the Mets). Everyone in Chicago swears off the former champions, and becomes a Cubs fan. As a result of declining stadium attendance, as well as declining sales of merchandising, the team is forced to move to Iowa. The Des Moines White Sox sign a whole bunch of spectacular free-agents and go on to win the World Series. Everyone in Chicago is outraged, and demands that the White Sox return to Chicago. There is rioting in the streets. Illinois secedes from the Union, and starts a civil war with Iowa. Troops are deployed. Missiles are launched. Misery and devastation ensue.

Scenario #2: Escape from New York

The embargo is lifted and Cuba is allowed to enter a team into the World Baseball Classic. It turns out that Cuba has fantastic pitchers, amazing fielders, and out-of-this-world batters. They sweep all the other teams in the tournament. Victorious Fidel issues a world-wide address proclaiming this a victory for all evil dictators. He ends his speech by flipping off the camera, and mouthing "this one's for you Bush." The President is embarrassed and furious, and calls for an immediate rematch. However, this time, he demands that Steinbrenner allow all his best players to participate on the US team, to strengthen our chances. Unable to reject such executive orders, every member of the starting lineup signs up for the tournament. In a somewhat unusual turn of events, every Yankee manages to get injured during one of the games. (This vindicates every blogger who predicted just that). They show up for spring training in wheelchairs and on crutches, beat up and limping. Lacking any sort of farm system, the Yankees rapidly sink. In a characteristic move, the fans quickly abandon their team for greener pastures in Flushing. City officials are forced to reveal that 80% of New York's economy was being sustained by tourists from Jersey and Connecticut driving into New York for Yankees games. The city declines into poverty, and is ravaged by crime. There is rioting in the streets. Troops are deployed. Missiles are launched. Misery and devastation ensue.

Scenario #3: More Defectors

The embargo is lifted and Cuba is allowed to enter a team into the World Baseball Classic. George Steinbrenner watches the games, and is completely amazed by the quality pitching from the Cuban team. He goes on an insane shopping binge, and tries to acquire every pitcher in Cuba. He uses his connections in the ship-building industry to orchestrate the defection of about 1600 Cuban nationals to the US, and signs all of them to an 8-year minor league contract with Trenton. Fidel Castro is outraged, and demands that the US return the defectors to Cuba. Bush, while not entirely sure of what just happened, says that he won't bend to the will of an evil Communist dictator, who may or may not have nuclear (new-cular) weapons. Troops are deployed. Missiles are launched. Misery and devastation ensue.

Phew. Now, aren't you glad we have that embargo? I suppose that I should always attempt to see the other point of view before being so judgmental.

Workshop: Flash Media Server

I am thinking of taking a two day (1/28, 1/29) workshop on the "Flash Media Server" with Prof. Roberts. I wasn't going to take more than one workshop this semester (and I already decided on the "3-D Modeling" one), but somebody just forwarded me the listing for this class, and it looked very practical. And it so happens that I am in a very practical mood today. I am not particularly interested in Flash, but I emailed the professor, and he wrote back right away with lots of helpful and encouraging information. He pretty much convinced me that it's a good idea to give up my January 28th weekend for this class.

Anyone else registered for this? This seems to be the sort of class where there will be a lot of hands-on group work, so it would be nice to have a few buddies.

Educational Technology at MIT

My professor forwarded me info about a talk on the educational technology initiatives at MIT, and I am planning to go up there in February to attend. MIT is doing some really exciting stuff in terms of educational technology, (icampus is a good example) and I am hoping to meet some of the people who are doing this research, and maybe bounce off ideas and get some inspiration to help me move forward with my project.

I asked around campus, but there haven't been any takers so far. I am hoping that somebody from New York will want to go, so that we can drive up together (and by that, I mean, you will do the driving and I will take a long nap, but we will share the gas, of course). Otherwise, I will take the Chinatown bus to South Station on Wednesday morning (after all, what good is a local crime syndicate if you can't get to Boston on 15 dollars).

I don't know where I will stay yet. I'll try to find some sort of cheap holiday inn type of establishment in Cambridge, or see if I can get a room at the Harvard Faculty Club through the pretentious snob exchange program with the Faculty House here at Columbia. The Boston subway has failed me too many times (who could imagine that the subway stops running at night?!!!?!!!!), so I am definitely going to stay somewhere close (and central) so that I can walk. I don't have any details yet, but I will post again as the date approaches (February 15th).

The talk is on Wednesday evening, and I'll probably stick around until Friday or Saturday, to hang out and visit with relatives. I know that there are no games in the winter, but let me know if anybody wants to hop around the local bars or try for some karaoke at the Bell In Hand. That is always oodles of fun. I am also up for something more sophisticated, like a show.

My Predictions for the WBC

If I had any gambling tendencies, I would wager a good chunk of my paycheck on the Dominican Republic winning the World Baseball Classic this March. However, since I tend to surrender much of my not-so-hard-earned cash to the nice people over at the Apple store, I have to abstain from such uncouth frivolities as betting on baseball.

There are two controversies surrounding the World Baseball Classic that interest me enough to blog about. The first of those is the issue of Cuba's participation in the tournament. I think that it's silly and counterproductive for the sport to ban Cuba. I think that Cuba should play. I want to avoid the political tangent, but I can't help but see this as yet another example of completely pathetic prioritization on the part of our government. It disturbs me that there are still so many people working in government whose job it is to worry about Cuba. (In fact, I file the embargo on Cuba right next to "more funding for NASA" on my list of things we shouldn't be wasting time on right now).

The other issue is that of "the ugly Yankees," as the New York Times appropriately dubbed them. I was particularly surprised by the behaviors of Matsui and Rivera. Matsui acted quite out of character in snubbing manager Sadaharu Oh with his refusal to represent Japan. Rivera was just plain mean, saying that he wouldn't play for Panama because they didn't have a chance to win. I suppose that this serves to further reinforce the idea that there is certainly a big difference between the character that fans attribute to these people and their true nature. I tend to sentimentalize such things, and I am the sucker who falls for it year after year (along the lines of "I am sure that Mike Mussina is a really kind and compassionate person") so it's certainly good to be brought back to reality now and again.

I would also like to point out that when I saw the Netherlands on the roster, I began spewing all sorts of smack. That is, until I realized that the Netherlands own Aruba and Antilles (with the cunning use of flags), which gives them a lot more credibility. Italy can surprise everyone as well, if they can only get Joe Torre to be their manager, which shouldn't be too difficult, considering that the only requirement for being on the team is having a last name that ends in a vowel.

I have a weakness, I am addicted to completeness

For the sake of completeness, every page on w116 now has some content. I will add more photos as I free up more server space, and I will add more links as time allows. I will also try to find some time this weekend to set up a feed to syndicate this site.

Impotant Things Happening in the World

If you are trying to follow the turbulent political situation in Israel, Haaretz is doing some very comprehensive (if not unbiased) coverage on the ramifications of Ariel Sharon's medical condition. I also like to turn to BBC News for some decent reporting on international affairs.

Macworld Expo

In anticipation of the upcoming Macworld Expo in San Francisco, I sent the following letter to my HR representative.

Dear Columbia Payroll,

At this time, I would like to request that you modify the distribution of my paycheck deposit as follows: 10% checking account, 10% retirement account, 50% savings account, 30% Steve Jobs. I do not yet have the account information for Mr. Steve Jobs, but I will forward that paperwork to you as it becomes available.

Sincerely,
Irina

It's a good thing that I have a fairly low-maintenance standard of living.

What's In Your Bag?

No, this is not going to be a post analyzing the Patriot Act, so don't get too excited. Although, having my bag checked has become really quite a habit these days. The first couple of times I was genuinely disturbed and outraged, but now I've become entirely desensitized to the whole ordeal. I am completely used to the routine by now, and it always goes something like this -

"No officer, that's not a bomb, it's a laptop... a computer... I suppose I can use it to look up how to make a bomb, but I promise you that I won't. Can I get on my train now? Ok, thanks. See you tomorrow. Same place, same time."

Anyway, since many members of the NYPD and Columbia Security have already had the displeasure (disappointment?) of inspecting the contents of my bag, I figured that I might as well let you have a go at it too. This also provided a good opportunity to give flickr a try. I suppose that I'm jumping on the flickr wagon kind of late, but I wanted to become an active participant before Yahoo completely ran it into the ground. My favorite tag in flickr is the "what's in your bag" one, so here is my contribution to that category.

I just want to point out that I don't always carry around a stack of Emergency Repair Disks with me... this was after a particularly desperate trip to the machine room, and in my stupor, I forgot to leave them behind. Also, I'm trying to give an impression of order here, so I omitted the several tubes of chapstick, about a dozen #2 pencils, an unfinished sudoku puzzle, a few overdue library books, and many little scraps of paper (several of which, I am sure, contain some key element of a p=np proof, or the libretto to a fantastic new operetta).

Honestly, I don't see flickr in my time-wasted-on-the-internet future. But this was fun for about five minutes.

Honest Thought Of The Day

I was thinking about that bit in Neil Gaiman's "Anansi Boys," where he talks about how each person has one song that is essentially the soundtrack to his or her entire life. I wondered what my song could be, and I finally decided that it was most certainly "Damn It Feels Good To Be a Gangsta" by the Geto Boys. Then, I thought about it some more, and had to concede that even though I do have plenty of "hittin' switches in my black six-fo" moments, I am really more of a "hills are alive with the sound of music" kind of girl (or something equally Rodgers & Hammerstein-ish).

It's good to be honest about such things.

Devastating Thought of the Day

It appears that the vending machine that was right outside of our office in Hamilton is now gone. It completely vanished into thin air. I am devastated.

Depressing Thought Of The Day

It occurred to me, as I was reading "The Elements of Style" this morning, that if I ever had the privilege of being Professor Strunk's student, not only would he have failed me, he would have probably shot me.

Dan Brown Plot Generator

Several months ago, I sent Dan Brown the following letter:

Dear Dan Brown,

I read all your books. I really should have read only one, because they are painfully predictable and formulaic. I hate myself for having wasted so much time, and for believing at the beginning of every book, against my better judgment, that you would not follow the same obvious plot outline. I was wrong, of course, each time. So, I’m writing to let you know that while I may be a sucker for reading your books, you are the one who sucks. You really do. A lot.

Scornfully Yours,
Irina

P.S. Please send another book.

Well, it’s been some time now, and Dan Brown hasn’t written back, and he hasn’t sent me another book. Feeling snubbed, I decided that we can do without the middleman, and so I wrote this simple little plot generator to satisfy any strange cravings for a Dan Brown story. It took me about 15 minutes, which is probably as long as it should take Dan Brown to come up with another bestseller.

New Year's Mailbag

I think that a good way to start the New Year is to answer some of the questions that my dear readers have been sending me. I do respond to almost each email individually, but here are my replies to some of the more amusing and useful notes that I’ve been getting.

Several different people from all over wrote:
Why don't you turn on comments? I want to comment on your posts, but by the time I get around to writing an email, I usually forget what I wanted to say.

I don't have the time to moderate comment wars. If you want to tell me something, email or IM me and we can chat. If you want to tell the world something, write your own blog.

A striving young man from Columbia wrote:
I am an undergrad at the engineering school, and would like to work for you, but I am not a computer science major. Will you still hire me?

Being a computer science major is not a pre-requisite. This is IT, so if you are clever and resourceful, you’ll be able to figure it out. I am looking for sophomores and juniors, mostly. Send me your resume, and I'll call you. I am hiring for the spring semester and for the summer right now.

My annoying friend Eugene from the NYU physics department wrote:
I can’t believe you managed to work Tom Lehrer into a post about Perl programming! You really are nuts, aren’t you?

Seeing how Mr. Tom Lehrer released only about 40 songs (which is quite disappointing), and is fairly private about his life (which is quite admirable), I don’t have much material to work with. That's why I often have to supplement the creative content on this page with other topics, like Perl and baseball.

James from Park Slope wrote:
Is it true that you are a Mets fan now?

I certainly have masochistic tendencies, but nothing so extreme! Actually, I guess I am following the attitudes of smart people like Dave Pinto, who are turning away from insane fandom for one team, and are really becoming more interested in the sport as a whole. The difference between being a Mets fan and a Yankees fan is such – you go to a Yankees game expecting them to win, and if they don’t, you are disappointed (because, after all, you are entitled!); you go to a Mets game expecting them to lose, and if they win, it’s a huge party. I have often expressed my disappointment with the current state of the Yankees, but that's just tough love, really. (I also talk smack about the ridiculous security at Yankee stadium). So that is probably where you got that idea. Either way, my dream scenario is a Subway World Series.

Alisson from brown.edu wrote:
My friend told me that you came to Columbia on a cheerleading scholarship. Is this true?

I am not sure how this rumor got started, but feel free to spread it around as much as possible.

Steve from an undisclosed location wrote:
I like reading your posts about Columbia and technology, but what I really want to know is how I can impress girls and finally get a date. (I am an engineering graduate student). Can you please write about that?

It helps a lot if you are extremely handsome and independently wealthy. It also helps if you are NOT an engineering graduate student (rather aim for something in the "rock star" or "movie producer" categories). However, I will give this some more thought, and try to write something useful on this topic in the near future. In the meantime, if you are in the Boston area, you might want to date my friend Rimma.

My friend Anthony and my mother both wrote:
Why don’t you ever answer your office phone or your cell phone? And why don’t you return my calls when I leave a message?

Contrary to what you may have heard, I really am very busy when I am at work, and I am not always at my desk. I do return my messages... eventually. However, I am not great with my cell phone, and you shouldn't rely on it as a way of getting a hold of me. I leave it in different places, I forget to charge it, I drop it into puddles on the street, and twice a car ran over it. I think all these “accidents” that happen to my cell phone are really a subconscious manifestation of my resentment for that devious little electronic leash. It has been my long-held belief that cell phones intrude on the few precious moments of peace and solitude that I have left in my day. So your best bet is to just send an email.

Janet from wellesley.edu wrote:
Why are you so mean to people from Boston?

Because it’s such an easy joke to make. And even though I can’t use about 50% of my jokes due to some recent curse reversing activity courtesy of your baseball club, it still takes no effort at all to have some laughs at your expense. It’s especially fun for me because you take it so personally. I go to Boston all the time, so by all means, track me down and have it out… no guarantee that I’ll be able to understand your “wicked awesome” accent, though.

Sarika from columbia.edu wrote:
Where can I get some fried chicken around here?

There is a KFC on 106th and Broadway, and another one on 125th and Broadway. The distance is the same from campus (about half a mile), so it’s just a matter of whether you want to go uptown or downtown. There is also a Chickenfest on 109th and Broadway. It is very sketchy, so go for the amusing food poisoning stories you’ll be able to tell your friends, but not for much else. Finally, Texas Rotisserie is fantastic – they are at 97th and Broadway, but they’ll deliver (and you can order online).

Kevin from San Diego wrote:
I like it when you say “asinine beyond comprehension.” That’s a great phrase. Is it from Monty Python?

As far as I know, it is not from Monty Python. It seems that I’ve been saying “asinine beyond comprehension” with increasing frequency since I began spending a great deal of time administering Windows systems. I am sure that’s just a coincidence, though.