Dark Side Diner

I won't name the establishment that provided my lunch today. But, it should suffice to say that the fried shrimp were served "in a basket" and a "Broadway shake" was also involved. The dark side is so delicious.

Crack anyone?

Jonah from Paramus, NJ writes:

I've been playing on ICC for about 5 years. I usually go on after my wife and kids go to sleep, at around 11pm, and stay on until 2:30am (eastern time). I play 3 and 5 minute rated blitz, and my ICC rating fluctuates between 1860 and 1920. About a month ago, I started playing 3-minute rated blitz with someone who I am absolutely positive is Bobby Fischer. Not only because I can't seem to beat him, but because I compared our games to Bobby's speed chess tournaments and the style is identical! I also asked him some very specific questions about his early tournaments from the 50s that only Bobby Fischer would know the answer to and he answered me right away. We've played a total of 28 games (I won 2 of them), all of which I have recorded. After talking to you today, I realize that you are a skeptic and don't believe that Bobby is still playing no matter how obvious the evidence is. But still, can you post this on your blog, because I want to get in touch with other people who have been playing Bobby on ICC, and compare our games.

I am very sympathetic to people who suffer from hero-worship related dementia, but I don't want my email account to get flooded with this junk. So please forward all your crack-induced sightings and deranged tales to iamacrackhead@gmail.com (It's a legitimate email account that I set up specifically for this purpose... I know what you are thinking, and I was also surprised that it was still available). If there is a continued interest, I might set up a message board, although there are already several (defunct) message boards on the web devoted to just this kind of insanity.

How to get banned from the library.

- I need that article by Knuth and somebody else. You should have it on reserve.
- What article?
- I don't remember what it's called.
- Uh...
- It's the one where he has a nice parallel summation proof of Pascal's second binomial identity.
- This means nothing to me.
- It's by Knuth and some other guy... but mostly by Knuth. You have it on reserve.
- When was it put on reserve?
- Some time between 2000 and ... now.
- You are kidding?
- Just go look, it's going to be under Knuth.
[Walks away. Symbolic shuffling of papers.]
- Well?
- We don't have it.
- You don't have ANY articles by Knuth?
- No.
- That's impossible! This is the engineering library! That's how I know you are lying to me! You could've at least brought me some article by Knuth! Just to show me that you are trying!
- You are going to have to leave now.

The fourth pillar (of alternative rock)

I have always adhered to the belief that current alternative rock music evolved from three predecessors: The Ramones, The Beastie Boys, and The Dead Kennedys.

So, I've consistently envisioned these three pillars as the foundation on which all current music of that sort has been built. However, this morning, I remembered a fourth - AC/DC. I was actually aiming for a very nice recording of "Die Fledermaus", but my finger slipped, and I accidentally clicked on "Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap" (they are right next to each other on the list). Now, I would never claim that AC/DC can hold up to The Beastie Boys in terms of jokes, or TDK in terms of social consciousness, but I think that they were extremely seminal in expanding the public's palette for such junk. Can you imagine what it was like to be one of those people who were distracted from that mundane and subdued finger-snapping pop rock of the 70s long enough to witness, first hand, the sound equivalent of World War Three that was Back in Black? Who wouldn't sacrifice their right ear drum for that?

Now, before you start writing your angry letters of protest about The Beatles, and Ray Charles, and Tupac, I want to emphasize that I am talking about a very specific genre of alternative rock. We can talk about Pop and R&B and Hip-Hop at another time, if you'd like.

Also, I realize that the British have been doing incredibly cool stuff long before anyone in this country even realized that such sounds could come out of an ordinary electric guitar, so I don't need a refresher course on music history complete with a Motorhead soundtrack, thanks very much.

Wait wait

"Wait wait don't tell me" is an NPR show, starring Peter Sagal, and a rotating panel of some fairly funny individuals. They all speak very very well, which I find to be absolutely delightful. I think that a lot of the jokes are very predictable, but they are all so well phrased and for that reason, extremely enjoyable. (Good grammar and correct sentence structure can compensate for pretty much any inadequacy).

On one show, Peter Sagal introduced a segment about some corporate business blunders by calling it "that capitalism hall of shame that makes the six remaining communists in the world think that they are doing something right." They had a great deal of fun with the Dick Cheney incident, referring to it once as "the Vice President's hunting spree." Also, their take on the British spy operation in Russia had me (literally) laughing out loud on the train - "my office is bugged, let's go talk by the rock!"

However, I want to point out the difficulty that I always encounter when making such recommendations. The problem is that there are great variations in the shows, and I can't predict whether you'll hear the funny bit, or the obscure one. Also, (very much like with Monty Python, or Eddie Izzard) there are not that many jokes that are accessible to everyone, and are amusing to the first-time listener. They are there, but they are interspersed with content that is entertaining only to the already indoctrinated fans. So ideally, I'd start you off with some parts of a past show that I know are hilarious. Just like if I wanted to introduce baseball to somebody who is not familiar with the sport, I would probably opt for something a little dramatic, along the lines of October 3, 1951 at the Polo Grounds. Or if I wanted to show this blog to a new reader, I'd point them to a generic post, and not something that is an inside joke between myself and three people who lived on my floor Freshman year. So, you get what I mean, I hope.

Ok. With that in mind, you just have to listen to this! And, NPR is fantastic, because they provide podcasts of the show, that you can subscribe to, and listen to on the go.

Traitor!

I would now like to use this very public forum to reproach (and hopefully humiliate) a very dear friend. Today, during lunch, Sonu confessed to me that he succumbed to evil temptation, and lifted our 5 year long embargo on Tom's Diner.

I remember that fateful night well. It was Junior year, and I was studying, most likely for Stochastics (that is how I spent most evenings that semester). It was late, a little after midnight. I went to CRF to meet up with the three Starcraft playing crack monkeys. We were all hungry (I - from studying, they - from killing zerg), so we went to Tom's. The food was awful, as always. The service was even worse. And it was at that time that we all agreed to never go back to Tom's again. We were all fed up with the lousy food, the annoying tourists from the Midwest, and the rude waiters who always messed up our orders. It was a serious oath.

It was difficult at first. But soon we discovered Westway Diner - a much more genteel establishment a few blocks south on Broadway. We never spoke of Tom's again. And, things were Ok.

Now, Sonu joins Jason Giambi, Metallica, and the developers of Civ4, in the w116 hall of shame. Let the shunning begin.

New Yorker gives props to Tom Lehrer

My favorite CC Alum, Katie, sent me a link to a New Yorker article about the etiquette of shooting somebody... and Tom Lehrer's "Hunting Song" gets a shout-out, in traditional New Yorker fashion:

Notwithstanding the antics of the misfiring narrator of Tom Lehrer’s “The Hunting Song”—he taxidermies the heads of “two game wardens, seven hunters, and a pure-bred Guernsey cow”—surely it is inadvisable for the shooter to present himself, as Cheney did, at the next day’s quail lunch.

Pleasure and Comprehension

This evening, in the Thorndike elevator with a classmate, after the Discrete Math class...

- I really enjoyed his explanation.
- Oh yea? So you know how to do those problems?
- No. But I really enjoyed his explanation.
- Oh. I didn't realize that pleasure and comprehension were so unrelated.
- Clearly you've never seen a Keanu Reeves movie...
- Or a WNBA game?
- Or European soccer?
- Or listened to a Misfits album?
- Or a Verdi opera?
- Or read Proust?
- What? Wait! That makes no sense.
- Yea, you are right. We should stop now.

Webwork (Doesn't Work)

I was helping some freshmen with their Calculus yesterday, and I got to experience, first hand, what could possibly be the absolute worst application of technology in mathematics education. I think that this is the first semester that Columbia is using Webwork for some sections of Calculus, and I certainly hope that this trend will not carry on.

Ok, so maybe that's a little harsh. But I was seriously disturbed. And, as someone whose graduate work is mainly focused on using technology to improve the teaching of mathematics, I was even a little bit insulted.

When these students called me, they told me that they needed help with Mathematica. I agreed to spend some time with them, because I really like Mathematica, and I certainly know it a lot better than I know Calculus. But I was surprised, because I know that they no longer use Mathematica in the undergrad courses.

So, when we met, I wanted to first understand why they needed to know how to program Mathematica, instead of just learning to integrate by parts. That's when they showed me Webwork.

Webwork is an online application (developed at the University of Rochester) that attempts to make math homework more effective and efficient by providing immediate feedback on the validity of the students' answers (that's the sales pitch). It also provides automatic grading of assignments. Webwork generates a unique set of problems for each student, which is supposed to prevent cheating.

Here are a few of my issues:

- There is absolutely no partial credit. You either have the correct answer or you don't.
- The teacher is not able to see how the students think and approach the problems, and by the time that they see their work on the exams, it is usually too late.
- Students end up spending a ridiculous amount of time formatting their answers, instead of learning the material, so that the webapp can interpret them correctly. (I am sure that this can be fixed with better programming on the backend).
- Since only the answer matters, students can get away with using Mathematica, or just asking a tutor to do it for them.
- Because the problems are computer generated, you can't assign particularly clever problems. I saw the problems that were assigned in Calc II, and they were all of the form "solve this integral." I don't believe that this is the correct way to instruct students in abstract mathematical concepts (especially not at a thousand dollars per credit).
- The application does not limit (or track) the number of wrong answers that are submitted before the right answer is submitted. This encourages guesswork, along the lines of "try 2pi... no?... ok try pi... yay!"

A lot of this can be corrected and improved with a well thought-out configuration (for example, allow them to only submit the answer twice, and after that, they get points deducted for each incorrect submission). However, in its current implementation, this seems to be a completely counterproductive tool.

I hope that somebody out there, who has used this in their courses, will get in touch and offer some ideas/thoughts/gripes/opinions. If you are from the Columbia math department and want to tell me why I am completely wrong about this, lunch is on me.

I don't have login to the system, so if any undergrads currently enrolled in classes that use Webwork will graciously send me some screenshots - that would be just swell.

Criticism

In the Mudd elevator, en route to my evening class...

- I think that your graduate work is very... uhm... negative.
- What do you mean? I'm not building the a-bomb here, you know.
- Well, it seems like you much rather discredit somebody, or prove that something is incorrect, instead of coming up with a new solution.
- You don't even know me!
- I've heard. You are very... uhm... destructive.
- You need people like me!
- Yes, but we generally try to keep things happy and pleasant around here.

Certified (woo!)

Congratulations! You passed the OnBase System Administrator exam. We will be sending your Certified OnBase System Administrator certificate in about two weeks.

I am pretty happy that I passed the exam, and got this certificate. It wasn't such a difficult exam, but it was really tedious. It was a six our practical, where I had to build OnBase from scratch - configure all the disc groups, import all the documents, set up DIP and COLD reporting, etc.

Perhaps, it makes that boring week spent in Michigan worth while, somehow. Also, since JLG is abandoning me to administer OnBase on my own, I feel a little bit more confident in my abilities, having passed the exam. Our configuration is really complex, so I am still quite anxious, especially since OnBase is such a mission critical system at Columbia. I guess I'll be checking in often with the user groups at Hyland.

Go blog about it.

Just wanted to point out that Bossman's announcement of his approaching departure has done for our internal little blogosphere what the 2000 presidential election did for the Koufax Award winners. Buzz... buzz... buzz... buzz.

Expectations and Disclaimer

Over the last couple of days, I've been getting a lot of email along the lines of "You haven't posted in two whole days! Where are you? Are you Ok?"

I would like to dispel the unreasonable expectations that I am going to post something creative and clever every day. Sometimes, nothing interesting happens. Sometimes, I just don't have the time. This is just a hobby. Sorry.

Granted, I often use this blog as sort of a personal broadcast, and I certainly appreciate the overwhelming feedback that I receive when I ask for links, ideas, code samples, or even when I need to borrow a textbook. However, this blog was never intended as a tool for tracking my whereabouts, or finding out what my dinner plans are for this evening, and so on. I always answer email, and I (almost) always answer my phone, so that's really best.

Still, it would be hypocritical of me to chastise my readers for irrational expectations, when I myself am often guilty of just that. So, some healthy self-criticism is well overdue, I suppose.

In its original incarnation, the W116 blog was based on the completely unrealistic expectation that Brian Cashman will read it, and will be so enlightened by my insightful analysis, that he will finally trade Jeff Weaver. (Maybe it worked, but why didn't he listen to me about Brown?!) This current blog is often composed with an even more unrealistic expectation that Mr. Tom Lehrer will read it, and will be so moved by my sincere adulation, that he will send me oodles of previously unreleased material.

However, I've recently come to terms with the apparent realization that this blog is in fact read mostly by colleagues, who wonder why I haven't gotten around to fixing their computer; professors, who wonder why nothing that I've written this month has even the remote semblance of compiling; friends, who wonder why I can't go out for lunch; and relatives, who wonder why I come to Boston and don't visit them.

Also, I read a lot of personal blogs that feature a disclaimer. And, due to a recent surge in the popularity of these pages, I feel like I should follow in that example. So please note that the opinions expressed on this blog do not reflect those of my employer, my colleagues, my friends, my family, my professors, Columbia University, The Bronx High School of Science, The Kinneret Day School, Major League Baseball, or the boroughs of Manhattan, Brooklyn, and The Bronx.

Of course, this will be prominently displayed on the slightly re-worded about page.

Boston

The difficulty in traveling to Boston is always that of striking a balance between seeing the people who you want to see, and those who you have to see.

I am sorry that I had to cancel plans with so many people this week. But I do go to Boston all the time - in fact, I'll probably go at the end of March, and several times in April, July, and August. I really look forward to meeting a lot of the people from MIT and Educause who I've been emailing with, but never actually met in person. And, Rimma insists that there are many more sophisticated places than the Bell in Hand where one can get totally smashed, so I'm definitely looking forward to doing that soon.

I would also like to point out that the China Town bus goes both ways. And you can certainly have a lot more fun in New York than you can in Boston. (Especially in October... zing!)

Heartbreak

Our fearless leader is leaving us for greener, more lucrative pastures. You heard it here first, people (well, second, if you were at that staff meeting with me).

There have been a lot of changes at CCIT this year. It's always sad to see your friends go... especially if they are extremely competent friends who know more about System Administration than you can ever hope to know, and are leaving you behind to tend to highly volatile mission critical systems all on your own.

In addition, all my students are seniors this year. Much like Anthony (who is now dead to me), they've all fallen off the high path of academia, and are moving on to Wall Street careers. (I'm actually very proud of them). So, I am about to start interviewing undergrads for the open internship positions. Please read the description, and apply. I am fantastic to work with, and occasionally I'll bake cookies and muffins for you. Also, I was an undergrad myself just a couple of years ago, so I am completely supportive when you need to take time off to study, and I'll gladly help you with your Prob & Stat homework. If that's not incentive enough, the job pays quite well, and you get free summer housing. Oh, and there is a lot of singing!

Algebra - It's the devil's tool

Craig from Berkeley CA courteously replied to my earlier request, and sent me the link to the Stephen Colbert clip about algebra and quadratic equations. I really thought this was so very hilarious. He also sent me a link to a large collection of other Colbert Report clips. (Thanks Craig!)

It seems like Colbert is really having a good time now (he was a bit uptight at first) and I think that his show has become much funnier than The Daily Show (blasphemy, I hear you cry). Since the recent election, Jon Stewart has become increasingly bitter and angry, and that's quite apparent. He is fighting for a (lost) cause, and that's important, but also very depressing and not too funny. Colbert is less serious, and a lot more fun.

Last one, I promise.

I realize that I am probably having a bit too much fun with this whole ridiculous story, and I should really focus on something serious and important. And, this is certainly in very bad taste, but I just couldn't resist. (Much thanks to the gracious people over at boing boing).

Meet me (for 20 minutes)

According to The Dean (not a dean), I will be in the lobby of Hamilton tomorrow (Tuesday), between 11:50 and 12:10, meeting (and greeting) students. I hear that there will be snacks, candy, and friendly academics. So, come out and say hi.

How Topical

Today, nobody is objecting to my queuing up Tom Lehrer's Hunting Song on infinite repeat. I am having a good time.

Commute

I left my house early today, but I really didn't anticipate such an insane commute.

I should've know that things weren't going to go well when I arrived at my train station to find out that the D train was frozen to the tracks (that was the official announcement) and was being taken out of service. So, I had to take the Coney Island bound D train for a few stops and switch to the express train. (You should know that going backwards to go forward is probably the most infuriating thing you can ever ask me to do). When we got to 47-50 Rockefeller Center, the train stopped, and the conductor announced that there were signal problems - for those not familiar with the MTA, that is an all inclusive term signifying that something broke, and it's not likely to get fixed any time soon. I ran out of the station, and took a brisk walk to Columbus Circle. There, I got on the 1/9 train, expecting to be on campus in about 10 minutes. However, when we got to 96th street, they announced that the train was being taken out of service because of an electrical problem. People poured out of the train station onto Broadway, and I ended up sharing a taxi to Columbia with someone who looked very much like Alan Greenspan.

Total commuting time - 2 hours, 40 minutes.

You were saying something?

I am always extremely impressed with people who have a photographic memory. I've always been very good at analysis and problem solving, but struggled miserably when it came to memorizing dates, names, and places. I can easily recall theorems, because I know how they apply to various problems. But, to Dr. Maskin's great dismay, I'm at a complete loss when it comes to remembering when and where George Washington signed some treaty or fought some battle, and such. Similarly, my friends complain that I don't pay attention to what they are saying, but usually, I just filter out the information that's not important or interesting to me.

However, occasionally I do exhibit a knack for memorization, particularly when it comes to the obscure and trivial.

For example, I have the eerie ability to retain most information in the Bronx Science Alumni Newsletter. This is a totally useless feature of my brain, although it does impress people sometimes. Other times, it just spooks them out. For instance, when meeting Nobel laureate Melvin Schwartz for the first time, "Professor Schwartz, you are Bronx Science class of 1949!!!" can really go either way.

I also have the strange propensity to recall the FIDE ratings for most of my favorite grandmasters, going back to 1952. And, don't even get me started on the obscene amount of brain matter that is wasted on baseball trivia and statistics. Why should I know so much about Fernando Valenzuela? (Why should anyone?) What great scientific discoveries could I have made if so much of my brain wasn't occupied with the play-by-play of the 1998 World Series or the season OBPs for the entire starting lineup of the 1986 Mets?

Well, the reason I've been musing like this is because a colleague just sent me a recent collision detection post, which discusses the results of some current cognitive research into visual working memory. Particularly, they discuss the efficiency with which our brains filter information, and how that relates to memory capacity. The articles that Clive links to are very interesting, and definitely worth a look. (Although, it's always amusing how instead of saying "dumb people" they say "creative people.")

Anyway, I think that this is an interesting subject. Too bad it's so difficult to actually prove anything.

I could be making this up, but I don't have to.

As I was browsing the news sites this evening, two thoughts occurred to me. First - somebody should really write a funny song about all of this. Followed by - wait a minute, is it April Fool's again?

Here are a few examples, to give you an idea...

- An Indian director is scouting Paris Hilton to fill the role of Mother Theresa for an upcoming movie. Farkers are having a good time with this one.

- Dick Cheney joins Aaron Burr as one of the two vice presidents to shoot someone while in office. Political bloggers (from both camps) are working diligently to come up with sophisticated an intelligent metaphors. I rationalize this situation by considering that VP Cheney was probably under the impression that the other hunter was a deer with a red hat, or a large flesh-colored squirrel.

- Italian Prime Minister compares himself to Jesus Christ. It seems like Italy is the absolute worst place for that sort of stuff.

Good thing we have the breaking news about the snow to distract us.

Snow. Lots of snow.

We are getting a great deal of snow in New York. It's almost as bad as CNN makes it sound. I am about to go sledding down 7th avenue. But first, if you'll indulge me... It's a warm and pleasant Sunday afternoon in 1956, and I'm at Ebbets Field. Sandy Koufax is on the mound. His fastball is still rather untamed. I'm enjoying a 12 cent hotdog...

Going home

I'm at the airport, and in a few hours, I'll be in New York. My flight is at 9p, and I have some time to kill. What did people do in airports before wireless? Ah, the scary analog world of the before-time.

Overall, Michigan is very much like New Jersey. People go to the mall, and eat out at Bennigan's. The auto executives live in palatial mansions, the upper class people live in just regular medium-sized mansions, the middle class people live in condos, and the poor people live in Detroit. Nobody ever talks about them, in hopes that they would just go away and move to the Bronx. Most people drive enormous tank-sized SUVs, and you almost can't blame them (but I did anyway), seeing how the roads are so miserable, and there is no public transportation. Also, hunting is really big here, and nobody was amused by my rendition of Woody Allen's "I shot a moose once."

Everyone says that Michigan is much nicer during the summer, and maybe they are right. A strip mall or a 6-lane highway probably is prettier when not covered by 2 feet of snow, but I honestly hope that I'll never get to find out.

Bloggers know no borders

Welcome to anyone visiting this site from Croatia. I noticed a lot of traffic from there after I was linked on Boris Licina Borja's seemingly popular site (which I obviously couldn't read or understand, but the layout looked fantastic).

I have traveled to Zagreb and to Pula, and I fondly remember the gorgeous landscape, a remarkably pleasant climate, the friendly people, and the delicious food. I hope to visit again soon, but in the meantime I am happy to take a virtual trip across the blogosphere.

Early projections

It's very cold and depressing here in Michigan, and to keep warm and sane I've been trying to practice something my friends in the department of total hacks (Psychology) like to call "positive visualization."

The way this works is - I close my eyes and imagine that I am in the cheap seats at Shea Stadium on a sunny Saturday afternoon. It's July, and the Mets are leading the NL East by 4 games. I am enjoying a 12 dollar hotdog. Pedro is on the mound against the Braves, and it's the bottom of the 7th, with two out, and runners on first and third. The Mets are up by one. Willie Randolph takes a slow stroll to the mound. Everyone knows that Pedro is done, but Willie decided to leave him in. Oh, did I mention that Pedro has a no-hitter going? Well, he does.

At this point, my cell phone rings. But, it's not difficult to get back to the happy place. I do this all the time, people.

Anyway, if like me, you are stranded in a cold and desolate place, and you need a reminder that spring is just a few weeks away, head over to Larry Mahnken's RLY blog, where SG makes some early projections for the upcoming season (based on ZiPS stats analysis). It's not looking great for the Yankees (duh), but the numbers do project the Mets leading the NL East (duh^2). I think that a few trades are still likely (especially as far as the AL East is concerned), but such projections are a very happy thought on a very cold day.

The root of all evil.

The hotel bar downstairs was crowded (infested, really) with a whole bunch of obnoxious guys wearing suits, and those cyborg-ish bluetooth headsets. I knew right away that they were from the sales division of Microsoft. They were way too annoying to be IT guys or programmers. And they had that evil aura about them that is so characteristic of software sales executives.

So, after they confirmed my suspicions (with many business cards and various demonic chants), I proposed a drinking game: I would name an upcoming Microsoft feature (for Vista or IE) and if I was correct, they would drink, and if I was wrong, I would drink. This really wasn't fair, since I just recently attended one of those roadmap meetings, but they didn't need to know that. I ran down the list (flip 3D, crappy tab browsing, broken AdSense, etc), and in no time, the whole crowd was drunk. I thought of throwing them a few freebies (like real malware protection and IE security) just because I was getting thirsty, but finally decided against it, so as not to compromise the integrity of the game.

I closed out with one of my favorite quotes from alt.sysadmin.recovery: "Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with your Microsoft product."

They didn't get it, but I thought that it was very dramatic.

Speaking of geeks...

Did anyone catch Stephen Colbert's bit on quadratic equations last night? I was very amused. If anyone has the clip, I would very much appreciate the link.

Stuck in traffic

Someone sent my "Complete Anatomy of a Geek" post from last month to reddit, and consequently, I'm enjoying quite a bit of traffic. At this point, it appears that I'm on reddit's offset=25 "hot" page, at number 37! (I'm stuck right between an article bashing Google, and another one bashing NASA, so I'm comfortable).

So, thanks for the nice feedback. I'll try harder now.

Oh - stats also indicate that the same post appeared on totalfark last night. I'm not a member, so I couldn't check the comments. But, thankfully (and quite expectedly) it didn't make it to fark's main page. Phew.

Church Sign

I am sorry, but I just couldn't resist. Sorry. Really, I'm sorry. So so so very sorry. Do I sound sincere yet?

CV

It's time to update my CV. No, I'm not looking for another job. But there are some classes that I might want teach next semester, and I need to update it so as to reflect my current pedagogical predilections. Right now my CV is still very much a Wall Street resume, which is Ok for getting various lucrative consulting appointments but academic departments tend to get nervous when they suspect that you might be seeking some sort of gainful employment. So, I have to parse through all that corporate lingo, and replace it with various scholarly achievements.

For inspiration, I went to look at Professor Michael Rabin's CV. Frankly, it's one of the most impressive CVs that I've ever seen.

Prof. Rabin taught Cryptography at Columbia in 2002. Here is a page with some of his most amusing quotes from that class, as well as some others from his classes at Harvard. My favorite one is - "Zero plus zero is still zero, even in this advanced class."

Some evening browsing.

Here's some stuff I've been browsing this evening (as well as some random thoughts)...

- Apparently, Tom Lehrer was involved in some sort of British comedy show called "The Frost Report" (also featuring, favorite aging comedy icon, John Cleese). I am not quite clear on what he did for the show, but the BBC page has a large picture of the cast, and I'm pretty sure that the guy with the glasses by the piano is Tom Lehrer (however, I haven't seen enough giant headshots of him from that period to really be positive).

- I've been reading a blog called "Confessions of a Community College Dean." It's pretty amusing, although we disagree on many points. It's a good read, and I especially enjoyed this post about the giant defecating elephant (every university has at least one, you know). I think my friends in administration might relate more closely. He also links to a lot of decent educational blogs, so browsing his blogroll might be worthwhile.

- The pool was lovely. So were the beers that followed. I resolve to go swimming more, even when I'm not stranded in the frozen tundra that is Michigan State.

- I am not a fan of Dave Letterman, but this countdown sure was amusing. (Maybe it's the beer).

- I've been reading an interesting blog on education technology from Lanny Arvan, a professor at the University of Illinois.

- Prime numbers are sexy. Erica Klarreich, a science writer from California, shares that same belief in her article about the Riemann hypothesis.

Checked In

I notice that a lot of you are checking in to see what terrible things I have to say about the Midwest, and I'll certainly try to meet everyone's expectations with bitter cynicism.

The place where I am staying, Bloomfield Hills, is a posh suburb of Detroit. This appears to be the area where a lot of the auto executives built their tudor-style mansions. This means that: there is no public transportation, there are no sidewalks, there is no KFC, and people look at you funny when you ask them whether you can "walk there."

The hotel is actually a one hour drive from downtown Detroit (not the 15 minute hop that I was originally promised), so I don't really know how much sight-seeing I'll get to do. It turns out that I do have some relatives in the area (who miraculously called my hotel room about 5 minutes after I opened the door), and they are going to pick me up and force feed me either today or some other evening later this week.

The hotel has a pool, so that's where I'm headed now. Will write more later.

As pretty (and as efficient) as an airport

My favorite sentiment about airports comes from Douglas Adams: It can hardly be a coincidence that no language on earth has ever produced the expression "As pretty as an airport."

The airport bit is a staple element of any annoyingly dull stand-up comedy routine. However, (favorite aging alternative icon) Henry Rollins did a pretty good job with "Airport Hell" on his Think Tank album. And, I completely relate to his gripes. ("What does a metal detector detect? Metal!")

My IEOR background (that's right, my math actually has a practical application) makes such vacuums of efficiency completely unbearable. In fact, I just explained (very thoroughly, and with diagrams) to a total stranger why having gate B23 on the complete opposite end of the terminal from gate B22 is such an asinine idea.

So, of course I can make this better! I am an experienced professional with an esteemed academic degree!

Let there be wireless!

Here is one reason why arriving at JFK about two and a half hours before your flight isn't quite SO bad:

Packing

I now realize that I have about an hour to pack, before I have to make my way to JFK and leave the civilized world for 5 whole days.

I am not very good at packing. That's because I usually go to places like Boston or ... uh... well, I usually go to Boston. And in Boston, I can easily buy anything essential that I forget to bring from home (like a pair of stockings, a hair brush, my cell phone charger, a burgundy Prada sweater, etc). I've never been to Detroit, but I have been to Cleveland, and to Cincinnati, (once, to both places in the same miserable week) and I imagine that Detroit is not much different. So, I have to assume that, unless I pack well, I will probably have to run across a six-lane superhighway to get to the only open convenience store in the county.

Super Bowl

Another year, another Super Bowl, and once again, people are trying to make me understand football... all in vain. I do make an effort to watch the game and understand what all the fuss is about. I try, I really do. But, I don't understand the rules. I am not able to follow the action (it's like a mosh pit out there). And the lack of statistics bothers me immensely.

I can't believe I'm missing The Simpsons because of this.

Black Flag, Flanders & Swann

A few days ago I found a Black Flag record that I bought about 2 years ago at some horrible mall in Princeton, New Jersey. When I found it in the store, it was stuck between a bunch of Bon Jovi CDs. It looked so sad, so lonely. I remember thinking - Black Flag doesn't belong with all these Bon Jovi CDs... Black Flag doesn't belong in a mall... in New Jersey! So, I bought it. Out of pity, you see. I completely forgot about it, and never even opened it, until yesterday.

So, it's actually quite good (compared to other such junk). The lyrics are completely incomprehensible and inaudible, and it's way too loud. There is a lot of yelling. But it's definitely the kind of stuff that'll wake you up in the morning. Sort of like the double espresso of alternative music.

Also, I finally got around to listening to the Flanders & Swann CD that my friend from the Sierra Leone sent me. I was skeptical at first, but it's actually quite funny. Certainly not laugh-out-loud funny, but it's clever. And, I enjoy clever. I especially liked "The Gnu Song," for obvious reasons. This is good stuff, but not good enough to wean me from Tom Lehrer.

Olympics

Somebody just told me that the Winter Olympics are going to happen some time very soon. I completely missed this little bit of sports news, and it seems like I am not the only one.

I feel like the collapse of the Soviet Union completely destroyed the Olympic Games. Really, who is going to stay up all night to watch Norway play Canada? And what exactly is luge? Well, this is a popular comedy routine, and it's not difficult to get a few laughs out of various stupid sports. (George Carlin had the funniest take on this, with "Sailing isn't a sport, it's a way to get somewhere. Riding a bus isn't a sport.")

Anyway, I think that when there are no strong political undertones, the Olympics become just those boring few weeks that we must all consciously ignore before we can finally get to Spring Training.

Ah - I feel so American!

A Few Random Afternoon Thoughts

My friend Mars wrote in response to my NLP post from a few days ago: "I can't tell you how to write a program to handle this simply because it is an impossible task - any program you write will simply process this as a short editorial and discard it, not bothering to even consider this as something containing humor, 'cuz it doesn't and I'm not sure it's intended to." Very amusing, and also true.

Someone named Jimmy from Upenn.edu, whom I certainly don't know intimately, or even superficially for that matter, sent me something that appears to be compiled C code. Jimmy is now banned for ever, and no amount of previously unreleased Tom Lehrer material will be enough to earn my forgiveness. I mention this only as a warning to others.

I've been listening to "We Are A Happy Family" and I am amazed by how good this album is. I would never have listened to these bands otherwise (and I'm not planning to seek out their material now either) but their tribute covers are really quite fantastic. I think that Ramones songs actually sound better when they are covered by different artists... kind of adds variety. I can't get through a whole Ramones album without thinking "uh, I just heard this song, only they used a different name."

Since I installed Netbeans 4.1 a few days ago, my computer has been taking short breaks now and again to cough and vomit a little. It's been unpleasant for everyone involved.

My friend Phil, who went to college with me and now has a lucrative job on Wall Street, wrote a response to my comment about the Computer Science department's motto being "the idea is the important thing" : "Irina, this is so true, and anyone who graduates from Columbia and tries to get a job in the real world knows exactly what you are talking about. I remember being shocked when my manager handed me back the scrap of paper containing pseudocode, and actually asked me to write something that compiles and runs! " Aah, the real world... glad I bailed out of that situation.

I am now drinking an average of 4 cups of coffee a day. This is not nearly as bad as it used to be, but I feel like my intake is starting to increase. I think the worst time was junior year of high school when I was finishing up my Westinghouse research project, taking a bunch of APs, and applying to college. I was chasing down caffeine pills with espressos and mountain dew. It also got pretty bad when I first started working at Merrill Lynch, and they put an industrial coffee maker right near my office. I didn't really need the caffeine, but I couldn't resist the free coffee.

Since I linked to that Nigel Short article from a few years ago, several people have written claiming that they too have been playing Bobby Fischer on ICC. Those people are all obviously smoking some incredibly potent crack. Just because you consistently lose at blitz to someone who is not very chatty, doesn't mean that the person kicking your butt is Bobby Fischer! I will see about documenting these "sightings" into some sort of official compilation of total crack-headedness.

Travel Plans

So, it looks like I really am going to Detroit next week. Words cannot describe just how bummed I am about that. I was holding out for the slim chance that they would cancel, and reschedule for some warmer month (or just forget the whole thing altogether), but no such luck.

I'm staying in Bloomfield, which is about 15 minutes from Detroit. Flying in on the morning of the 6th, flying out late at night on the 10th. I have high speed in my hotel, so I'll be answering emails, possibly blogging.

Also, I haven't quite decided what this means for my trip to Boston the following week. I was originally planning to head over on the 15th, but I don't want to miss two Discrete Math classes in a row. So, I'll probably go on the 16th. I made a lot of plans with many friends and relatives in Boston, and I'm probably going to have to cancel some of those. Don't despair - I'm going to be in Cambridge again in April and in June, so I'll get to see everyone soon.