"In teh beginnin Ceiling Cat maded teh skiez, An da Urfs..." - Genesis 1:1, LOLcat Bible

Introduction

Oh hai! If you are a poor soul out there today who is struggling to get through his or her copy of the LOLcat Bible, you've come to the right place. lolcat is not a language that is easy to learn but with a little bit of luck, guidance, and some internet moxie, we'll get your skills up to scratch in no time! Please note that this is not a basic tutorial for those wishing to learn how to create their own translations of scholarly works into lolcat or for those who wish to learn how to speak lolcat. If you are one of these people, please go here to learn how to read and translate basic forms of lolcat.

Reading lolcat is not easy for the uninitiated. The best way to do this is via a literal reading of the text though the lens of what it means to be a cat. These things can come after you've thoroughly enjoyed getting through the text. This is especially applicable in the case of the LOLcat Bible due to its cyclical nature. With that being said, let's check out Exodus 20:2-12 of the LOLcat Bible and translate it using this amazing technique.

Noo Roolz - Teh Ten Commanders

1. I iz Ceiling Cat An I is Top Cat, An I broughted u out of hawt litturbawx wit no cheezbrgrs for hard mousin at all.
   
   Translation: I am Ceiling Cat and I am the Top Cat, and I brought you out of a hot litterbox with no cheesburgers available for hard mousing at all.


2. No can has other ceiling cat!! U gotz other Ceiling Cat, I shoot yous wit mah lollazer eyes. Srsly.
   
   Translation: You cannot have any other Ceiling Cats besides Ceiling Cat. If you have another Ceiling Cat, I will shoot you with my lazer eyes. Seriously.


3. It u try be Ceiling Cat of any of may creayshunz up in floaty skai, down in erth or in watr or I shoot yous wit mah lollazer eyes. If u think faek Ceiling Cat iz Ceiling Cat, I mek u dead An ur kittenz ded An if yur kittenz have kittenz, dey be ded too, for being stupid and stuffs. If not I wuv u An all ur lotz uf kittenz!
   
   Translation: If you try to be Ceiling Cat or any of my creations in The Ceiling, down in earth, or in the water, I will shoot you with my lazer eyes. If you think that a fake Ceiling Cat is Ceiling Cat, I will make you dead and your kittens dead and if your kittens have kittens, they will be dead too, for being stupid and stuffs. If not I love you and your many kittens!


4. U sez Ceiling Cat bad, I shoot yous wit mah lollazer eyes, cuz I dun liek it. Srsly.
   
   Translation: If you say that Ceiling Cat is bad, I will shoot you with my lazer eyes because I dislike that. Seriously.


5. Remembur Caturday An keep it holy. U Ketch mousies 6 dais An finish ketchin, K? Caturday, u no catchin mousies. U An all ur peepz go wrship me. And, if yu beez gudd, I maks it so yu can stays home and do alla stuffs yu wanted tu doos. I maded heavenz An erth An see An the stuff that does teh funney hoppey stuffz in An on it - so I make it holy cuz I no ketch mousies.
   
   Translation: Remember Caturday and keep it holy. You can catch mice 6 days a week and finish within that time frame, okay? On Sunday, you cannot catch mice. You and your friends must worship me. And, if you're good, I'll make it so that you can stay home and do all the stuff that you would like to do. I made heaven and earth and the sea and the animals - so I make it holy because I won't be catching mice on that day.


6. Bez u good to papa kitteh An mama kitteh so u has long nine liefs.
   
   Translation: Be good to your father kitty and your mother kitty so that you will have nine long lives.


7. U no maek peepz ded with teh malice! Srsly!
   
   Translation: Do not maliciously make people dead. Seriously.


8. U no maek sexxes wit other gurlz or menz than urs (that mi jobz!)
   
   Translation: You must not commit adultery. That's my job!


9. U no taek cheezburgerz for free if not getz for free.
   
   Translation: You must not take cheeseburgers free if you did not receive them for free.


10. U no tell bad stuff ov ur neibor.
    
    Translation: You must not say bad things about your neighbor.


11. U no wantz neibor cheezburgerz! No wief, no gurlz, no menz, no animalz. NO BUKKITZ! DEY NOT UR BUKKITZ, K? dey da LOLrus' bukkits.
    
    Translation: You must not covet your neighbor's cheesburger. Not their wives, female slaves, men, or animals. No buckets! They are not your buckets, okay? They are the walrus' buckets. **Please see here for background LOLrus information.**