How to leave the planet



    You have been carefully selected as a totally random member
of the Human Race.  This chapter is for you.  Before you read it:
1)  Find a stout chair.
2)  Sit on it.
    This chapter has been spontaneously generated by the PASSING
ACQUAINTANCES OF THE EARTH computer.  It will appear in this book
when the computer judges that the Earth has passed the 
P.O.S.T.O.S.E.H.
(Possibility of Sorting Things Out Sensibly Event Horizon)
    If you have this chapter you may assume that the crucial point
has now been passed, and that you are one of those chosen to be
the future of the Human Race.
The following instructions are for you:
Leave the planet as quickly as possible.
Do not procrastinate.
Do not panic.
Do not take the _Whole_Earth_Catalog_.

HOW TO LEAVE THE PLANET

1) Phone NASA (tel.  0101 713 483 0123).  Explain that it's very
    important that you get away as quickly as possible.
2) If they do not cooperate, then try to get someone at the White
    House (tel. 0101 202 456 1414) to bring some pressure to bear 
     on them.
3) If you don't get any joy out of them, phone the Kremlin (tel 
     0107 095 295 9051) and ask them to bring a little pressure to 
     bear on the White House on your behalf.
4) If that too fails, phone the Pope for guidance (tel. 010 396 
     6982).
5) If all these attempts fail, flag down a passing flying saucer 
     and explain that it's vitally important that you get away 
     before your phone bill arrives.

WHERE YOU SHOULD BE HEADING

    Where everyone else in the galaxy is heading.  Stay in the 
swim, hang out in bars, keep your ear to the sub-etha.  Send all 
information home on postcards for the benefit of the next wave of 
Earth emigrants.Current information says that everyone else in the 
Galaxy is heading for a small planet in Galactic Sector JPG71248.  
It is clearly the most wonderfully trendy zillion tons of hunky 
rock in the known sky.

WHAT YOUR TRAVELS WILL BE LIKE

    Difficult and unbelievably dangerous.
    Space is notorious for having all sorts of terribly 
frightening things happening in it, most of which are best dealt 
with by running away very fast.
    You should therefore take with you:
1) A pair of strong running shoes.  The most useful type are of
  outrageous design and mind-mangling colours;  experience has 
  shown that if, while strolling through the ancient swampworld of 
  Slurmgurst you come unexpectedly across an appalling alien 
  monster with Lasero-Zap eyes, Swivel-Shear teeth, several dozen 
  tungsten-carbide Vast-Pain claws forged in the sun furnaces of 
  Zangrijad, and a terrible temper, it is in your immediate best 
  interests that the monster should be for a moment
       a) startled, and
       b) looking downwards.
2) A towel.  Whilst the monster is temporarily confused by your
   footwear you should wrap the towel round its head and strike 
   it with a blunt instrument.
3) A blunt instrument (see above).
4) A green Eezi-Mind Anti-Guilt jacket or sweat shirt, for wearing
   after incidents such as the above.  Guilt is known to be an
   electromagnetic wave-form which is reflected and diffused by 
   the material from which these shirts are made.  Wearing them 
   protects you from worrying about all sorts of things, including 
   your unpaid phone bill.
5) A pair of Joo Janta 200 Super Chromatic Peril-Sensitive 
   Sunglasses. These will help you to develop a relaxed attitude 
   to danger.  At the first hint of trouble they turn totally 
   black, thus preventing you from seeing anything which might 
   alarm you.
6) All the lyrics to any songs you like to sing whilst traveling.  
   It is very easy to make enemies by continually singing a song 
   you don't know all the words to, particularly on long space 
   journeys.
7) A bottle of something.  There are very few people in the Galaxy
   who won't be more pleased to see you if you are carrying a 
   bottle of something.

MEDICAL KIT

    In case of physical injury, press the button relating to A) 
part affected and B) nature of the injury simultaneously

[  ] leg     [  ] broken
[  ] arm     [  ] bruised
[  ] head    [  ] wrenched off
[  ] chest   [  ] mauled by Algolian suntiger
[  ] other   [  ] insulted

    This page will instantly exude appropriate waves of sympathy 
and understanding.

REASSURANCE PANEL

    In case of doubt, confusion or alarm, please touch this panel

     ********************
     *     HI THERE     *
     ********************

    At times of stress it is often reassuring to make physical 
contact with friendly objects.  This panel is your friend.

NB: On the assumption that nothing terrible is going to happen
to the world and everything's suddenly going to be alright really, 
all the advice in this chapter may be safely ignored.

----------

There was a point to this story, but it has temporarily escaped
the chronicler's mind. - DNA
----------


From: BAHAR ENGUR


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