The Top 10 Signs You've Watched Too Much Star Trek:
10) You send weekly love letters to the actress who played the
Green Skinned Orion Slave Girl in episode number 7.
9) You pull the legs off your hamster so you' 11 have a trible.
8) You tried to join the Navy just so you could serve aboard the
7) Your wife left you because you wanted her to dress like a
Klingon and torture you for information.
6) You went to San Francisco to see if you might bump into Kirk
and crew while they were in the 20th century looking for a
5) Your college thesis was a Comparison of the Illustrious Careers
of T.J. Hooker and Capt. Kirk.
4) You fly into a homicidal rage anytime people say "Star Trek?
Isn' t that the one with Luke Skywalker? "
3) You have no 1 i f e .
2) You recognize more than 4 references on this list.
l) You join NASA, hijack a shuttle, and head for the coordinates
you calculated for the planet Vulcan.
TOP TEN BUMPERSTICKERS ON THE U.S.S. ENTERPRISE
0. ŇOur other starship separates into 3 pieces l "
9. "One photon torpedo can ruin your whole day...think about it"
8. "HONK if you' ve slept with Commander Riker!"
7. "Guns don ' t kill people...Class 2 Phasers do!"
6. "Zero to Warp 9.7 in 13 seconds!"
5. "CAUTION. . .We have a trigger happy Klingon at tactical."
4. " If you can read this...don 't you think you're a wee bit too
3. "Have you hugged a Ferengi today? "
2. "We brake for cubes ! "
1. "Wesley On Board! "
Best Bumpersticker on Borg ship:
"Blonde Borgs have the same fun. "
TOP 20 USES FOR DATA'S DETACHED HEAD
20. Combination paperweight/stapler for Picard ' s desk
19. The ball in Parisis ' Squares
18. Hood ornament for Shuttlecraft
17. Replace Troi's broken Chia Pet
16. Scare blind students in Braille class
15. Prop open doors for maintenance crews
14. Lawn decoration in Arboretum
13. Footstool for Captain's chair
12. entertaining kids in day care puppet show
11. Scare Alexander into doing chores
10. Send to doctor that killed Crystalline entity as gag gift
9. Decorative air filter in Picard's fish tank
8. Send to Starfleet Android research center so they can get
"ahead" in research
7. Trade to Ferengi for Star Trek Hologram cards
6. Two words: tether ball
5. Keep Worf's coffee table from shaking
4. Centerpiece in Ten Forward buffet
3 . Donate to Starf leet Academy to be head of the class
2. Use as nutcracker at Christmastime
and the number one use f or Data's detached head...
1. Prove to insurance company he died so crew can collect on his
life insurance policy
SUREFIRE SIGNS THAT STAR TREK IS TAKING OVER YOUR LIFE:
1. Saying "make it so" in casual conversation
2. Indignation because the periodic table doesn't include
dilithium and tritanium.
3. Able to use "variable phase inverter" in a sentence without
excessive thought first
4. More than one pair of Spock ears on junk drawer
5. Have figured out the stardate system
6. Sudden urge to wear lots of Lycra
7. Scanning shelves at local liquor store for synthehol
8. The Star Trek theme becomes background music for your dreams
9. Major quote sources for thesis are Shakespeare, the Bible, and
"The Omega Glory"
10. Memorization of the crew's authorization codes
11. Forgetting that present-day elevators don't have voice
12. Attending a convention wearing non-Terran vestments
13. Actual serious thoughts about buying that $300 model of the
Enterprise from the Franklin Mint
14. Understanding Klingon
15. Lecturing any science professor on how transporters work
16. Playing fizzbin and understanding it
17. "The Outrageous Okona" seems like a fine piece of writing and
18. Paying rapt attention during those endless special effects
sequences in ST:TMP
19. Inexplicable rock-climbing urges
20. More than three original episode outlines buried in your
20 Things that never happen in Star Trek
1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type it
has encountered several times before.
2. The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists,
who are all perfectly all right.
3. Some of the crew visits the holodeck, and it works properly.
4. The crew of the Enterprise discovers a totally new lifeform,
which later turns out to be a rather well-known old lifeform
wearing a funny hat.
5. The crew of the Enterprise is struck by a mysterious plague,
for which the only cure can be found in the well-stocked
6. The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less
advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the
Starfleet Prime Directive.
7. The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place
to another without a serious incident.
8. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to
interface with the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that
it has forgotten to bring the right leads.
9. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed
as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent
10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien
intelligence which does not put them on trial.
11. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien
intelligence which they easily pacify by offering it some
12. The Enterprise visits an earth-type planet called "Paradise"
where everyone is happy all of the time. However, everything
is soon revealed to be exactly what it seems.
13. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise,
but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal
with it to everyone's satisfaction.
14. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp experience
which is in some way unconnected with the Late 2Oth Century.
15. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he
visits, and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of
16. Counselor Troi states something other than the blindingly
17. The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort
themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy
genius Wesley Crusher.
18. Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a
smarmy git, and consequently has a go at making some friends
of his own age for a change.
19. Spock (or Data) is fired from his high-ranking position for
not being able to understand the most basic nuances of about
one in three sentences that anyone says to him.
20. Most things that are new or in some way unexpected.
21. The Enterprise is waylaid by a couple of $7.99 surplus Klingon
cruisers, but the superior firepower of federation phasers
blows them into bits too small to find on the first shot.
The TOP TEN Favorite Activities of Capt Jean-Luc Picard enjoy
10. ordering Earl Grey tea from the computer, then smacking
himself on the forehead and saying "I could have had a V-8!"
9. yelling "Punchbuggy!" and hitting Riker's arm whenever he sees
8. screwing around in the holodeck when he ought to be on the
7. spotlighting unsuspecting crewmembers with the glare from his
6. lecturing everybody on why it's rude to fire the phasers at
5. sending crank subspace messages to Starfleet Command asking if
Dick Hertz is there
4. asking Beverly Crusher to come to his quarters so he can show
her "a REAL Picard Maneuver"
3. Ticking off Romulan commanders during tense confrontations in
the Neutral Zone by asking "Are those Bugle Boy jeans you're
2. telling crewmembers in menacing, Dirty Harry voice, "Go ahead,
Make it so"
1. putting banana peels on the transporter pads just before an
away team beams back up
Top nine fun things to do aboard the Starship Enterprise:
9. Skeet shooting the shuttlecraft
8. Plugging Nintendo cartridges into Data
7. Giving Worf A nuggie
6. Ordering Pizza from Domino's then going 30 min. into the future
just to piss them off (haha, free pizza!)
5. Secretly replacing the Dilithium crystals with New Folger's
4. Reprogramming the computer to play the theme to Jeopardy during
self- destruct sequence
3. Watching Captain Picard do his Mr. Clean impression
2. Calling down to the transporter room, ask if they've beamed
aboard Prince Albert In A Can
1. Tribble sex!
These were taken from the "Official Klingon Joke Book".
Q> How many Klingons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A> None. Klingons aren't afraid of the dark.
Q'> What do they do with the dead bulb?
A'> Execute it for failure.
Q"> What do they do with the Klingon who replaces the bulb?
A"> Execute him for cowardice.
====================== end ==================================
Back to Rainbow Humor Page