The Top 10 Signs You've Watched Too Much Star Trek:



10) You send weekly love letters to the actress who played the 
    Green Skinned Orion Slave Girl in episode number 7.
9) You pull the legs off your hamster so you' 11 have a trible.
8) You tried to join the Navy just so you could serve aboard the 
   Enterprise.
7) Your wife left you because you wanted her to dress like a 
   Klingon and torture you for information.
6) You went to San Francisco to see if you might bump into Kirk 
   and crew while they were in the 20th century looking for a 
   whale.
5) Your college thesis was a Comparison of the Illustrious Careers 
   of T.J. Hooker and Capt. Kirk.
4) You fly into a homicidal rage anytime people say "Star Trek? 
   Isn' t that the one with Luke Skywalker? "
3) You have no 1 i f e .
2) You recognize more than 4 references on this list.
l) You join NASA, hijack a shuttle, and head for the coordinates 
   you calculated for the planet Vulcan.

TOP TEN BUMPERSTICKERS ON THE U.S.S. ENTERPRISE



0. ŇOur other starship separates into 3 pieces l "
9. "One photon torpedo can ruin your whole day...think about it"
8. "HONK if you' ve slept with Commander Riker!"
7. "Guns don ' t kill people...Class 2 Phasers do!"
6. "Zero to Warp 9.7 in 13 seconds!"
5. "CAUTION. . .We have a trigger happy Klingon at tactical."
4. " If you can read this...don 't you think you're a wee bit too 
   close? "
3. "Have you hugged a Ferengi today? "
2. "We brake for cubes ! "
1. "Wesley On Board! "


Best Bumpersticker on Borg ship:
--------------------------------
"Blonde Borgs have the same fun. "

TOP 20 USES FOR DATA'S DETACHED HEAD



20. Combination paperweight/stapler for Picard ' s desk
19. The ball in Parisis ' Squares
18. Hood ornament for Shuttlecraft
17. Replace Troi's broken Chia Pet
16. Scare blind students in Braille class
15. Prop open doors for maintenance crews
14. Lawn decoration in Arboretum
13. Footstool for Captain's chair
12. entertaining kids in day care puppet show
11. Scare Alexander into doing chores
10. Send to doctor that killed Crystalline entity as gag gift
9. Decorative air filter in Picard's fish tank
8. Send to Starfleet Android research center so they can get 
   "ahead" in research
7. Trade to Ferengi for Star Trek Hologram cards
6. Two words: tether ball
5. Keep Worf's coffee table from shaking
4. Centerpiece in Ten Forward buffet
3 . Donate to Starf leet Academy to be head of the class
2. Use as nutcracker at Christmastime
   and the number one use f or Data's detached head...
1. Prove to insurance company he died so crew can collect on his 
   life insurance policy

SUREFIRE SIGNS THAT STAR TREK IS TAKING OVER YOUR LIFE:



1. Saying "make it so" in casual conversation
2. Indignation because the periodic table doesn't include 
   dilithium and tritanium.
3. Able to use "variable phase inverter" in a sentence without 
   excessive thought first
4. More than one pair of Spock ears on junk drawer
5. Have figured out the stardate system
6. Sudden urge to wear lots of Lycra
7. Scanning shelves at local liquor store for synthehol
8. The Star Trek theme becomes background music for your dreams
9. Major quote sources for thesis are Shakespeare, the Bible, and 
   "The Omega Glory"
10. Memorization of the crew's authorization codes
11. Forgetting that present-day elevators don't have voice 
    interface
12. Attending a convention wearing non-Terran vestments
13. Actual serious thoughts about buying that $300 model of the 
    Enterprise from the Franklin Mint
14. Understanding Klingon
15. Lecturing any science professor on how transporters work
16. Playing fizzbin and understanding it
17. "The Outrageous Okona" seems like a fine piece of writing and 
    dramatic stylistics
18. Paying rapt attention during those endless special effects 
    sequences in ST:TMP
19. Inexplicable rock-climbing urges
20. More than three original episode outlines buried in your 
    drawers

20 Things that never happen in Star Trek



1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type it 
   has encountered several times before.
2. The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists, 
   who are all perfectly all right.
3. Some of the crew visits the holodeck, and it works properly.
4. The crew of the Enterprise discovers a totally new lifeform, 
   which later turns out to be a rather well-known old lifeform 
   wearing a funny hat.
5. The crew of the Enterprise is struck by a mysterious plague, 
   for which the only cure can be found in the well-stocked 
   Enterprise sick-bay.
6. The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less 
   advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the 
   Starfleet Prime Directive.
7. The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place 
   to another without a serious incident.
8. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to 
   interface with the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that 
   it has forgotten to bring the right leads.
9. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed 
   as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent 
   engineering staff.
10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien 
    intelligence which does not put them on trial.
11. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien 
    intelligence which they easily pacify by offering it some 
    candy.
12. The Enterprise visits an earth-type planet called "Paradise" 
    where everyone is happy all of the time. However, everything 
    is soon revealed to be exactly what it seems.
13. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, 
    but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal 
    with it to everyone's satisfaction.  
14. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp experience 
    which is in some way unconnected with the Late 2Oth Century.
15. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he 
    visits, and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of 
    the episode.
16. Counselor Troi states something other than the blindingly 
    obvious.
17. The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort 
    themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy 
    genius Wesley Crusher.
18. Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a 
    smarmy git, and consequently has a go at making some friends 
    of his own age for a change.
19. Spock (or Data) is fired from his high-ranking position for 
    not being able to understand the most basic nuances of about 
    one in three sentences that anyone says to him.
20. Most things that are new or in some way unexpected.
21. The Enterprise is waylaid by a couple of $7.99 surplus Klingon 
    cruisers, but the superior firepower of federation phasers 
    blows them into bits too small to find on the first shot.

The TOP TEN Favorite Activities of Capt Jean-Luc Picard enjoy



10. ordering Earl Grey tea from the computer, then smacking 
    himself on the forehead and saying "I could have had a V-8!"
9. yelling "Punchbuggy!" and hitting Riker's arm whenever he sees 
   a shuttlecraft
8. screwing around in the holodeck when he ought to be on the 
   bridge
7. spotlighting unsuspecting crewmembers with the glare from his 
   forehead
6. lecturing everybody on why it's rude to fire the phasers at 
   other life-forms
5. sending crank subspace messages to Starfleet Command asking if 
   Dick Hertz is there
4. asking Beverly Crusher to come to his quarters so he can show 
   her "a REAL Picard Maneuver"
3. Ticking off Romulan commanders during tense confrontations in 
   the Neutral Zone by asking "Are those Bugle Boy jeans you're 
   wearing?"
2. telling crewmembers in menacing, Dirty Harry voice, "Go ahead, 
   Make it so"
1. putting banana peels on the transporter pads just before an 
   away team beams back up

Top nine fun things to do aboard the Starship Enterprise:



9. Skeet shooting the shuttlecraft
8. Plugging Nintendo cartridges into Data
7. Giving Worf A nuggie
6. Ordering Pizza from Domino's then going 30 min. into the future 
   just to piss them off (haha, free pizza!)
5. Secretly replacing the Dilithium crystals with New Folger's 
   crystals
4. Reprogramming the computer to play the theme to Jeopardy during 
   self- destruct sequence
3. Watching Captain Picard do his Mr. Clean impression
2. Calling down to the transporter room, ask if they've beamed 
   aboard Prince Albert In A Can
1. Tribble sex!
These were taken from the "Official Klingon Joke Book".

Q> How many Klingons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A> None. Klingons aren't afraid of the dark.

Q'> What do they do with the dead bulb?
A'> Execute it for failure.

Q"> What do they do with the Klingon who replaces the bulb? 
A"> Execute him for cowardice.

====================== end ==================================


  • Back to Rainbow Humor Page
  •