"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."

"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."

"We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife."

"It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy"

"She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."

"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music"

"Remember men you are fighting for the ladies honour, which is probably more than she ever did."

In a restaurant to a waitress: "Do you have frogs legs or do you always walk like that..."

"He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot"

"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy"

"I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks"

"You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it"

"My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one"

"Ice Water? Get some Onions - that'll make your eyes water!"

"I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members"

"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"

"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana"

"While hunting in Africa, I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How an elephant got into my pajamas I'll never know"

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury"

"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."

"I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book"

"Room service? Send up a larger room"

"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped"

"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it"

"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife"

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read"

"Marriage is the chief cause of divorce."

"In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people"

"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you"

Man: "I would like to say goodby to your wife". Groucho: "Me too"

"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted"

"Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough"

"The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open"

"A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five"

Marilyn Monroe: "What can I do for you?". Groucho: "What a silly question!!!"

"Good sex is like good Bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."