UW PICO 5.00 File: zakpage.html
Here is our dapper man, looking pensive
Summing up the life of Zachary Aaron Kagan is
an impossible task. It cannot be done, although thousands have tried.
Instead, one can only hope to depict snapshots of his awesometude, because
attempting to absorb all of it at once can only result in a fate similar
to that of Semele, mother of Dionysus.
Did you get that
reference? Didn't thinks so...
Zachary holds interests in a wide variety of
academic disciplines. In fact, one could call him an intellectual. Let's
take a journey, turing some of this most fascinating man's most
Tired of living in a boring, 3 dimensional
space? The thought of existing in a simplistic space time continuum
getting too dull? Well, what if I told you that you were living on a 2D
plane on the perimeter of a massive, universe spanning sphere? Well,
nothing would really change, but your mind would be blown into a parallel
dimension. It's called Holographic Universe Theory and it just might be the
biggest thing since General Relativity.
If you haven't seen this image before then you
need to get your life together. Fractal geometry isn't just for Hippes
anymore. The pattern of trees in forests, the branches of blood vessels
and the optimum design for radio antenna all involve fractal geometry.
But, fractals are responsible for more than forests and blood flow, they
also saved mister Kagan from the depths of depression. Just when he
believed that the world was impossibly complex, a little book on fractal
geometry crossed his path and proved to him that even infinitely
complex objects can be completely understood . Math is
But it isn't always math and science with
Zachary. He has wide and reaching insights into political and economic
issues. He is known to read an entire newspaper in 20 minutes with tea,
while doing the daily crossword in his right hand, and sudoku in his left.
Just ask him a question about theory, policy, practice and you will get an
intelligent and well thought out response. To keep his mind sharp and his
opinions up to date, Zachary follows the writings of Columbia's most celebrated economists
and political thinkers.
Still not convinced that Zachary is the most
interesting and classy guy out there? What am I saying, of course you are
convinced. Between his tales of MOMA art appraisal and wild stories of his
adventures in the Orient, it is impossible not to be impressed Mr. Kagan.
But, hypothetically, if you weren't impressed, here are a list of factoids
that would dispel any lack of faith:
1) Zachary Kagan is on first name basis with
every professor at Columbia, even if he has yet to take their class.
2) Zachary Kagan knows the lyrics to the Major
General's song in every European language except for Finnish... the Fins
3) Zachary Kagan worked under noble prize
Chalfie for three months before he was untimely laid off. Chalfie
explained that the reason Zachary was let go was because "his sexual
magnetism tempered with the reproductive cycle of the nematode C. elegans."
4) Rumors are circulating online saying that
Zachary Kagan is the real Chuck Norris that the jokes refer to. This is not the
case. Mr.Kagan does not need to resort to violence to solve his problems.
5) Zachary Kagan certainly isn't one of these
6) Zachary Kagan is the only being in our
universe with the ability to
calculate both the velocity and the position of an electron at any given
point in time.
7) Zachary Kagan guessed the ending to LOST in
its first season. He and head writers Damon Lindeof and Carlton Cuse have
teleconference every Wednesday where he helps them on their scripts and
8) And ladies, he's single.
Now you must agree that Zachary Kagan is one
classy guy. Please, feel free to express your thoughts on his awesomeness
bellow. Is he really as good as they say? Only you can decide.
Zach is one classy guy
Zach is the classiest guy I know
I will now try each and every day to live my life more like the way Zach
Zach Kagan really sucks...at not being awesome! Seriously though, I have
his name tatooed on my body
please answer this additional question if your
name is "Adam Cannon" : How cool is this HTML page?
OMG! So cool that Zach instantly gets an A+ in
WOW! This is so good, I am going to give Zach a crisp 10 dollar bill next
Ok, so I know the whole "this is funny
because I am acting much more introverted than I actually am" is totally
unoriginal and probably is getting old at this point... Sorry about