As it stands, many Fu Fighters are acutely aware of their unattractiveness. It may be strange to find an entire pride of them firing up their Marlboro Ultra Light 100's outside Butler while they laugh and carry on, jockeying for alpha male status, but the fact is that they have been completely distracted. Their class load entertains them and prevents them from ever noticing the horrible visage that returns their gaze in the mirror. And this is the life that you, poor engineer, will lead for the next 4 years of your life. Here's a nasty little preview of things to come, with a sprinkling of advice.

Chemistry. Professor Fine is not a coherent man. While he speaks of chemistry in his lecture, you will find that his exams contain material that is quite different. Make sure you study up on the number of piano tuners in New York City, circa 1950, for example. Don't complain about the textbook, either, because he wrote the damn thing.

Physics. You either get it or you don't. Manipulating those funky symbols is just in some people's blood, and usually they're pretty scary people. Remember, most engineering classes are on a curve, so your salvation will lie in the stupidity of your classmates. Encourage activities that will lower your friends' test scores. Use phrases like "Just one more shot, you can do it," "Why don't you join the rugby team?" and "The midterm isn't tomorrow, why don't you skip class?"

Computer Science. A required course and the bane of Biomed majors, the only sure fire way to do well in this course is to find a lonely pale computer geek and pretend to be their friend. Take him out to dinner at least once, or go see a movie with him. Make sexual advances towards him, even if your bread isnāt buttered on that side. If he reciprocates, a little experimentation never hurt anybody, and if he doesn't, he'll at least be flattered.

I use the gender-specific "he" because most she-geeks will be aggressively pursued by he-geeks in their odd, nerdy mating rituals, and thus less desperate. Which reminds me, if you ever see a bunch of scrawny pale boys surrounding a girl and conducting a conversation with words primarily composed of acronyms, stand back! You don't want any of that funky geek testosterone on you. It'll never wash out.

Gateway. Hours will be spent meticulously moving your mouse to create that ultra-cool 3D doohickey for your final project, but some sort of hideous computer error will inevitably destroy your work. If you throw a tantrum and cry enough, a TA will usually come around and re-do it for you, just to make you shut up.

Calculus. This class is the engineering equivalent of the foreign language requirement, because like Intermediate Spanish II, you will be taught a subject you don't really care about by someone you canāt understand.

Logic & Rhetoric. What's this? A liberal arts class? Each hellish week of this mind numbing torture will force more and more ludicrous writing assignments down your throat. And for God's sake, don't try to turn in your assignments to our little newspaper, for they will be categorically rejected. Take pleasure in knowing that you will write more papers in this one class than you will for the next 3 years at Columbia.