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From the Orientation Issue (Aug 2000):
Fed Sez It All Started With A Tiny Little Paper... and Ended in Nothing Less Than COMPLETE WORLD DOMINATION This column is commonly filled with advice to our readers as they make their way through the twisting and treacherous trails of Columbia. For this issue we have decided to use this space to advise you to stay out of our way as we progress towards complete world domination. Not satisfied with merely ruling the fifth floor of Lerner with an iron fist, we at the Fed have decided to set our sights a bit higher. We have a carefully constructed plan, and we are willing to share it with you, in a vaguely outlined format. Now is your only chance. Join or perish like the rest. The first step in our plan for a successful world domination is to conquer and absorb all other publications on campus, thereby creating the first-ever Columbia publishing empire. And, of course, we will make use of the Spec's cushy off-campus office by turning it to into the brothel it was always meant to be. With control of the campus media, and consequently control of the campus community, we will move into Phase Two of our operation: taking office as the president of the university. However, if Mr. Rupp will not concede to the Fed's god-granted right to rule, we will be forced to resort to Phase Two, Plan B: a ground-to-air-missile attack on Low Library from Ned's roof in Harlem. In either event, the Fed will become president of Columbia, and as everyone knows, the best way to become president of the United States is to first become president of a major university. After the Fed's inevitable rise to power in the White House, we will initiate Phase Three, in which the Fed will dissolve Congress and declare a state of martial law, securing complete control of the North America, as Canada and Mexico would follow the U.S. anywhere. We expect very little resistance, since it is well known that the Fed loves everyone. Our next course of action will be to break up the United Nations and colonize the member countries, furthering our control of the world. Any nations that are not members or that put up a fight will be forced into a war with the Fed editorial staff, all of whom have secret super powers. Few countries stand a chance against Meghan's control of the weather, Ned's mind and, more importantly, zipper control, the fearsome force of Anna's duct tape, or Mark's uncanny ability to quote any Godzilla movie at will. Particularly difficult enemies will have to go up against Matt, otherwise known as Bureaucracy man. As should be expected, resistance is futile. After we have successfully dominated the world, the Fed will then divide up the planet into smaller empires for the editorial staff. Stephen will take control of Japan and coastal Asia, where he will rule mightily over bizarre monsters and Japanese schoolgirls. Matt will bring respectability back to the harems and opium dens of North Africa. Meghan will reign supreme over the Mediterranean, while Ted nobly reunites Asia and Europe into the single continent they were meant to be. Mark will rule Australia, while Ned will rule Amsterdam. Greenland is still up for grabs, if anyone wants it.
After many moons of peaceful rule, and ancient rite will be performed that will grant the Feditors with immortality. There is a slight side effect of mutation, but nothing to dire. After this monumental day, the Fed will rule the planet for all time. Of course, we have already told you too much. For us to divulge any more of our plan, you must first pledge your eternal servitude to the Fed.
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