Taurus. The sign of the bull. Still doesn't mean I have to put up with your shit.

Gemini. When Sonny and Cher popularized "and the beat goes on", they were not referring to animal abuse. Don't you ever worry about the ASPCA?

Cancer. A strange and possibly wonderful event stops traffic. Take the toilet paper out of your pants and pretend like everything's fine.

Leo. You are delighted to discover that your fate is in your own hands and not some non-existent fairy godmother. You are disappointed to learn that you are a couch loving fatty who couldn't get off your own ass to save your life.

Virgo. Screw all those people who said you would never amount to anything. You've always worked with what you got, and you got a lot. "Donna Does Everybody" will be a huge success.

Libra. Don't get down. There's nothing wrong with you that a good smack across the face couldn't cure. (I'm free.)

Scorpio. You're easy going personality will get the better of you this week, when you're standard saying, "what's the worst that could happen?"gets answered by your dead hamster showing up with an Uzi and a vengeance.

Sagitarius. You are full of potential. Don't worry; none of it will be challenged while you're mooching off your parents.

Capricorn. I'm your private dancer, your dancer for money, and any old music will do. But get your hand off my ass, would ya?

Aquarius. Oh sorry. Caught me sleeping I guess. Your future looks bright. Yeah, that's the ticket.

Pisces. A wise man once said that patience is a virtue. And now he's dead. Look where his patience got him. Take a chance.