Product of Upper Middle Class Suburban Upbringing All About Socialist Revolution
"You are Capitalist swine," declared senior Melissa Gunther, in a brief interview on College Walk. Gunther, whose father is an investment banker on Wall Street, and whose mother is an advertising executive, repeated her belief in the inevitability of a worldwide proletariat revolution. If the revolution begins in the summer, however, Gunther will be unable to attend as she spends her summers with her family in a cabin up in Maine.

Columbia Student Lies About Her Belief in Mumia's Innocence
Columbia College first year student Patricia Denahy caught herself in a moral dilemma, early Thursday evening. "There were just a bunch of us from my floor, and we were eating dinner together. Anyway, the topic of Mumia comes up, you know? So everyone there was like 'yeah he's definitely innocent, he was framed, he was a victim of a racist system, and so on.'" At this point, several of Denahy's acquaintances noticed her silence and pestered her for her opinion on the matter. "Well, what could I do? I couldn't be like, 'yeah I thought he killed that cop.' I mean, I didn't want to look like the evil conservative WASP." Summoning acting skills from her high school drama class, Denahy vehemently expressed her unabashed belief in Mumia's innocence. "Maybe I over did it a little, but I wanted to make sure nobody knew that I was truly convinced of his absolute guilt."

First Year Vows to Leave Nerdy Past, Emotional Baggage Behind
Nerdy first year Ed Higgins vows to leave his nerdy past behind him, along with all of the emotional baggage that he accumulated during his four years at Thomas Jefferson High School, in Elizabethtown, New Jersey. "Here at Columbia, nobody will know me, or the old me, and they won't know anything about my past," the excited student exclaimed. "Nobody will remember the incident at my prom, or the time I was attacked by squirrels. Nobody will know of my battle with bed-wetting, which is now, thankfully, over." Higgins, however, suddenly remembered that a classmate of his, Miss Elizabeth Donaldson, would also attend Columbia. Higgins then shuffled quietly to his room and closed the door.

Subway System Not Completely Filled With Criminally Insane, Experts Say
Striking new evidence of a sharp downturn of criminal acts in the subways has surfaced, experts say. Leading criminologist Dr. David Liu explains that recently, "there have actually been people, not corpses, coming out of the subway stations. Fully awake and unharmed. This is an astounding turn of events, and is definitely an encouraging sign for law enforcement officers everywhere." Mayor Rudy Giuliani stated, "it was because of the efforts of the devoted NYPD that we have finally dropped the crime rates in the subway system from 100% to 99.5%. With an encouraging sign like this, we shall redouble our efforts in subway crime prevention, and by this time next year, the rate will be down to 99.2%." New York City residents are also very excited about the news. Marianne Richardson declared, "I'm so glad that going on the subway is no longer a sure fire way to get mugged, robbed, pickpocketed, raped, attacked, bludgeoned, murdered, or groped."

Sophomores Stumble Upon Stunning Revelation While on Acid Trip
A brief experimentation with psychotropic drugs fully opened the minds of two anonymous sophomores in Wien Hall. "It was like, the world was really showing itself to us. Like, on Captain Planet, you know, there's that Gaia chick. Well, Gaia was in our fucking room, and she was like explaining all this shit about the Universe and stuff," explained one of the two participants of the experiment. Participant number two added, "yeah, but we didn't write it down. Neither one of us can remember any of it, so I guess we'll just have to keep on trying until we can get Gaia in here again."

Exploration of City Begins on 116th Street, Ends on 108th Street
"So, like we didn't really have anything to do last night," explained Columbia College first year Jeremy Mestre, "so we, that is me and my roommate Jeff [Hopkins], decided we would start exploring this wonderful city that we live in. I mean, how many people get to experience New York City like we will for the next four years?" Mestre and Hopkins set out on their journey from 116th and Broadway "right after dinner," and the pair took in the sights and sounds of the bustling Morningside Heights area. "It was really cool, I felt like, you know, I was in a TV show, about New York or something," beamed Mestre. "Yeah, but after we walked for a while, we got kind of tired, and Jeff [Hopkins] said that the ankle that he sprained in the summer was kind of hurting him. And besides, for every step we went down Broadway, we had to go back up it too. So, the final point was when we just looked around us, I think it was like 108th street, and we were like 'Whoa, we're in a totally different neighborhood than where we started.' We both felt kind of creeped out by it, so that's when we decided to turn back." An expedition to Cannon's Pub is planned for next Friday, provided the pair can recruit enough people to go "so we all feel safe."