Fear not, oh incoming rabble-rousers and returning bleeding hearts! There's still plenty o' important issues to incite protests ... and maybe even a good old-fashioned riot or two. Here's the Fed's handy guide to whip out the next time you're feeling guilty about your comfortable Caucasian upper/middle class existence.

Get out there and DO SOMETHING, PEOPLE! Oh yeah, and don't forget to vote this November. God Bless America!

1. SAVE MIKE'S PAPAYA - The plan to build an exclusive K-8 private school on the SE corner of Broadway and 110th St. is a heinous crime. No, silly, it's not because it blatantly spits in the face of the New York Public School System and further widens the education gap between the rich and the poor. It's because they're going to shut down Mike's Papaya to build this monstrosity! For those students looking for an alternative to the $12-per-meal John Jay meal plan or to Morningside Heights' Tony eateries, there has always been good old Mike's, with its enduring Recession Special (2 hot dogs and a drink for $2.25). One source reports that this travesty will impair the performance of Columbia's Emergency Medical Service, CAVA, since its entire staff is fueled by Mike's hot dogs. The closing of this institution also marks the destruction of a historic landmark: last autumn, it was the site of the first-ever Fed Date!

2. HOLD ON TO THE NIGHT - This organization, not to be confused with Richard Marx's 1989 hit of the same name, counters the popular Take Back The Night movement. Its members consist of drunken frat boys and agitated losers who have no chance of ever getting laid consensually, HON (as in "nice ass, hon") seeks to uphold our country's long tradition of sexual assault. Where would our great nation be, if not for the forceable impregnation of masses of slave girls? Isn't rape necessary to the propagation of the species? Come on, if our forefathers could get away with it, why can't we?

3. SAVE OUR SQUIRRELS - Does this still exist? Sure hope so. Just because we all went away for the summer does not mean that our furry friends are in any less danger of being tortured by heartless administrators. As long as our university continues to use inhumane methods of reducing its squirrel population, SOS will fight on valiantly. And watch out, cuz if we're not careful, rumor has it those little gray motherfuckers will be packin' glocks any day now.

4. CHANGE COLUMBIA'S COLORS - "Sky blue". "Periwinkle". "Baby Blue". Often heard around campus: "Pansy-ass blue". And we wonder why our football team sucks! Approach any lion in any jungle anywhere and try to get it to wear this color. There will be pain, guaranteed. This shade screams "HELP I'M A RICH WHITE KID LOST IN HARLEM!!"

5. ABOLISH THE SWIM TEST - Rumor has it that the reason this rule exists is since Manhattan is an island we'd all have to swim to Jersey if the Commies ever bombed us. As if the toxic waste in the Hudson wouldn't kill us first. However, SEAS students are exempt from taking the test, oddly enough. Why? Well, they'd just build a bridge or two real quick while the radiation falls. Hmmm, something's fishy here. Isn't Columbia supposed to be an "intellectual" school, not a "jock" school (see #4). So why all the emphasis on physical exertion? While we're at it, let's get rid of that nasty P.E. requirement too.

6.PICK UP THE DROP DATE - Besides that whole "no-class-on-Fridays" deal, Columbia's luxuriously late drop date was the best thing it had going for it. Slept through the first half of the semester? Got trashed the night before the midterm? No problem! Just drop the class! No longer, come fall 2000. Alas, you unlucky first years will be the first to suffer from the early drop date, moved up from the eleven week cutoff to a mere five weeks. It's not like any of us upperclassmen really care, though - our drop date remains at eleven weeks. We're just letting you kids know.