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From the Rock Issue (Sept 2000):
Al "The Rock" Gore Why it's Better to have a Stony President Richard Davis Picture this: President Al is at some international meet and greet function, high profile, seated next to a Japanese big-wig. Speeches are made and the evening wears on, while on the sidelines, Al starts to feel a little rumble in his stomach. "You fool!" He curses himself. "Didn't Tipper warn you about the tempura shrimp?" Sweat pours from his immaculate hairline, and the only wastebasket his furtively darting eyes can pick out is the one right next to him, namely the big-wig's lap. So what does Al - "The Rock" - Gore do? He raises one stiff fist to his mouth, emits a tiny belch, and then continues on with the evening. The press will, of course, have a minor epiphany over these events - this is the most action Al has shown in months. Or how about this: Suppose, for example, that President Al is innocently driving his environment-friendly vehicle when a sniper takes a crack shot at his noggin. What does Al do in this moment of crisis? Does he cave in like the skull of that Namby-Pamby Kennedy? Heck no! This is Al "The Rock" Gore we're talking about! That sucker simply ricochets off his hardened exoskeleton (aka skin) and flies harmlessly into the side of one of the state's many, many maximum security prisons. The point is that after so many months of the media driving home Al's "rockiness," some of our less intelligent brethren might think that it's a bad thing. I would like to disprove this hurtful misconception - not that anything was misspoken about Al's statuesque nature (Hell, the first image that came to mind when we saw the kiss with Tipper was of one of the apes in 2001 trying to make out with the monolith), but rather that Al's stoniness is an asset, not a liability. If a cold war situation ever arose again, there would be no concern that Al would jump the gun, make the first move, and thus condemn the world to a nuclear holocaust. His stationary frame is not made for carrying out sudden decisions. Rather, when the bombs were whistling down around Washington, Al would just be getting to the second number in the launch code. Hmmm. Well, perhaps another example... Suppose Al was a Russian Czar in times long gone by and, despairing the lack of eligible sexual partners, had taken up with his favorite horse. If, when the rope system holding said animal up failed, and the beast came crashing down, would Al be horribly (and comically) crushed, thus ending the reign of "Al the Great"? Of course not! He, being made of granite, would simply throw the critter onto the floor, take a swig of vodka, or drink some cabbage soup, or something. Actually, that's all a lie, because rocks don't have genitals. So no sex scandals. Period. ( And don't ask where the kids came from; you don't want to know). So you see, it's better to have a rocky automaton like Al for our president than any weak, fleshy thing. We need a man of stature to run this country, and if he happens to be a statue to boot, well then, so much the better. Al will not be a pushover to the Chinese like that ethereal Clinton. He will persevere. A vote for Al is a vote for America; so vote for Al, because if you don't, he knows where you live and will sneak in at night and crush you with those big, rocky hands of his.
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