But what if an applicant cannot think, read, or write?

Interviews, though not explicitly required, are also a major part of Columbia's admissions process.

But what if an applicant cannot speak?

If you are thinking what I am thinking, then you are correct: it is impossible for a rock of any kind to gain admittance to Columbia University in the City of New York.

How can such discrimination against inert, sediment-based applicants go on in this modern, politically-correct institution? To get to the heart of this matter, I went straight to Columbia University's Undergraduate Admissions Office to interview a receptionist. The receptionist requested to remain anonymous, so in order to protect her innocence, I will henceforth refer to her as O.J. Simpson.

My inquisition went something like this:

Fed: Is it possible to gain admittance to Columbia College or SEAS without submitting a written application or sitting for an interview?

O.J: I would think that that would not be possible.

Fed: So mute, inanimate aspirants have no place in Columbia's applicant pool?

O.J.: (Laughing) No, I don't think.

Fed: Well, what about the paralyzed, mute son of an alumnus? Would he be automatically out of the running?

O.J.: Oh, well-

Fed: Or a rock, for instance?

O.J.: A rock?

Fed: Yeah, a really well-rounded one? One that's spent a lot of time in the tumbler? Get it? Do you get it? Ha, ha.

O.J.: I-

Fed: Do you get it?

O.J.: Oh, I think you'll have to ask Mr. Furda about that one. Is there anything else you need?

Fed: But you get it, right?

Conveniently, Mr. Furda did not answer his phone the next day at 4a.m. when I placed my call to his office; so, in an act of rage and passion, I chucked a rock through his window to show him exactly whom his policies were hurting.

Because of Columbia's anti-rock admissions policies, stones everywhere must cut their educations short of glory.