If you begin to notice a lot of large black luxury sedans with tinted windows everywhere you go, chances are something is up. Now, this could be one of several situations, so look for other clues. If these mysterious onyx autos are often accompanied by the sounds of lamenting violins, the mafia is most likely keeping tabs on you for one reason or another. If, instead, you observe an excess of neatly-dressed middle-aged men wearing sunglasses who seem to have a constant earwax problem that they cannot help but attend to in public, you are being tracked by the FBI or one of its sister organizations.

"But Fed," you protest, "I don't have big expensive cars following me. All I'm worried about are the phone calls to my room at all hours and the flyers left outside my door. What about that?" Well, shut your pie-hole, we're getting to that. Now go make us a sandwich. So, you were a little over-zealous on activities day, signing up for as much as possible. Hey, maybe you were worried about finding enough friends to distract you from the inevitable entropy that is a Columbia education. Now look at the mess you've gotten yourself into. While most clubs will leave you alone after you disregard that first e-mail or information session, there is one organization to be wary of: the I. S. O. Now you've got a group of friends for life. The only way to get them to leave you alone is to engage one of the members in a debate where you expound on the benefit of using the death penalty on retarded children who are only just taking up space anyway. If you don't deal with them soon, you'll find yourself knee-deep in unwashed Socialist couch-surfers.

Of course, you may be lucky. You might only have to worry about being followed by one person. This could be a good old-fashioned stalker, a creepy Hitchcockian stranger, or a private detective. If it's either of the last two, you are on your own. We don't want to get involved. These folk are professionals, members of unions, and usually quite adept at whatever it is they're doing. In fact, if you've noticed their presence, then it's already too late for you.

Moving on. So, you've deduced that what you have is in fact an old-fashioned unprofessional stalker. This species is found to be quite common on urban college campuses. Consider it a compliment that someone would take the time not only to notice you, but to commit to memory your every move and habit. Now that you've learned to appreciate your stalker, it is time to lose them. There are a few basic lengths you can go to. First, invest in disguises. Anything will do, but try to stay away from the type that draw attention, such as a pirate, a clown, or a Tele-Tubby, as they are counterproductive to your cause. Next you should take your name out of the directory and have your mail forwarded to a P.O. Box in Chinatown. Of course, if you find your new "friend" is still following you around, resort to the most failsafe tactic ever: make a habit of taking leisurely strolls through Morningside Park at one in the morning. While this may not deter your stalker, it will increase your chances of getting him killed.

Of course, there are several other brands of being followed out there, and everyone needs advice as to how to identify and avoid them. However, we cannot possibly cover all of them here. Just a few others worth mentioning: If you find that you are being followed by a pack of wild dogs, resort to the good old Hood-style of fence hopping. Getting enough tall partitions between you and the rabid beasts as quickly as possible is crucial to your survival. In a related situation, if you find that you are being followed by a steady stream of blood every where you go, see a doctor immediately.