Taurus
Look forward to smoother, brighter days, both due shortly after the apocalypse. Don't worry; you've still got time for one last remission of sins.

Gemini
The super supportive new moon this month can be compared to an older brother: good to have around when a bully tries to beat you up, bad when he tries to set you up with his "different and special" friend. Don't be patronized.

Cancer
This month will be marked as a good social period for you, shortly followed by a good monthly visit to your doctor. Try and be safe, killer.

Leo
I think we're alone now. There doesn't seem to be any one aro-ound. Wanna make out?

Virgo
Make sure you aren't a victim of stolen identity. Carry a taser. Aim at everyone within a five-foot radius.

Libra
Your creative side may be bursting with energy this month. Remember: everyone's a critic, but not everyone's an artist. Keep your day job.

Scorpio
Peer pressure has no effect on your smart reactions to every situation presented. But why not go after that cutie? Don't you want to? I would, but then again, I'm not as unsure and insecure about myself as you are.

Sagittarius
If you are single, try to meet new people this month.

Capricorn
Live each moment as if it's your last. You're goin' down, sucka.

Aquarius
Being forewarned is being forearmed, Aquarius. Damn, I forgot what I was going to say. Wait a minute; it'll come back to me.

Pisces
Things look good for you little fishy. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. You're not little. You're a great big balooga of a fish. They can't build a big enough pond to fit you, Pisces. You go with your big bad self. (Napoleon)