Unused Whiteboard Sad Reminder of Social Rank
CC first year Frank Reynolds has not had a message on his whiteboard for nearly 3 weeks now. An anonymous person(s) left the message "Hey -- Nice Whiteboard!!" with a smiley face on the first day the whiteboard was noticed outside Reynolds's door. The message was erased approximately 24 hours later, and no message has been left since then. "I was thinking of putting pithy little sayings or thoughts on my whiteboard, but I gave up on that idea, mainly because I'm really lazy. In fact, I kind of regret putting it out there, because now everyone knows I have no friends," commented Reynolds. Exacerbating the problem is the whiteboard of neighbor Amy Hazelrig, which is in a constant state of 'message overflow.'

Sci-Fi Club Holds Marathon Meeting That Only They Know About
One club that has certainly taken advantage of Lerner Hall's new, later hours is the Sci-Fi club. "They meet for 24 fucking hours a day, I swear," noted Julie Scheverman, SEAS '01, who passes by the Sci-Fi club headquarters at least twice a week. "I was even passing by there one Saturday night, because I left my umbrella up there, and there they were!" Each passing by Scheverman included a quick glance to make sure it was the Sci-Fi club, and then an uncomfortable silence, as the club ceased discussion of whatever the hell they're always talking about.

Student Convinced Professor He Read The Iliad
Lit Hum Professor David Hesse was not fooled at all by first year James Hillburn's ill conceived attempt to participate in class. "I think that I will remember Hillburn for a long time, as his comment regarding the relationship between Agamemnon and Achilles struck me as the stupidest thing I'd ever heard. I did a fine job of keeping a straight face, I must admit, and I have no doubt that his participation in future class discussions will keep this class entertaining for the rest of the year," noted Hesse. Hillburn told this reporter that "the teacher was just calling on people to talk, since nobody was really entering the class discussion, and so I figured I should field a question that I could handle before I got caught with some impossible question. The funny thing is, I didn't even read the Iliad, but I think I fooled him." "I was not fooled at all," said Hesse, "but I think for the rest of the year I shall assign more and more reading each night, so that Hillburn does not get a chance to read the material before class."

Childhood Rhyme Applies to 36-year-old
Last Thursday, 36-year-old John Barusch of Westchester County applied the childhood rhyme "Sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me" to a difficult personal situation. A man accosted him in the street, calling him vulgar names and portraying him as a negative human being. Barusch became very upset by the name-calling, but, out of nowhere, hearkened back to the rhyme from his days of youth. "I was so mad at this guy, who had the balls to just mouth off at me for no reason, so mad I wanted to punch him," Barusch recounts. "But then I remembered that catchy ditty, and realized that his words do no damage to me. Words shouldn't affect me as much as, say, a pistol whip to the face would."

"Pet Rocks Better Than Pet Animals" Claims Housewife
St. Louis, Missouri resident Charlotte Hennesey made it clear last week that rocks are overall better pets than animals. "Rocks won't pee all over the goddamn carpet or eat my TV dinners when I'm not looking. And with pet rocks, I can paint them to look however I want, so they're never ugly and they're always happy and won't wake me up at four in the goddamn morning barking because they heard some noise outside," she said. Friends and neighbors are surprised at her change of attitude, and claim she was once a big animal lover. "I just don't understand why she changed her mind about animals," said friend Penelope Smith. "She used to love them so much, but after her son was kidnapped by gypsies, her daughter disowned because of radical religious beliefs, and the terrible divorce with Ted, I guess she changed."