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From the Rock Issue (Sept 2000):
Thou Shalt Not Smoke, Lowly Freshman Mark Weiner Any freshman stumbling into his dorm room at 3 A.M. craving a puff on the old crack pipe has discovered something horrible this year: there is no smoking in the freshman dorms. This is hurting smokers of all genres, from pack-a-day cigarette smokers to the "I never buy my own weed" stoners. Some choose to make the grueling trek to the outside of the dorms to smoke; others, too inebriated to walk, just decide not to smoke. I find both of these travesties. We have paid to rent these rooms, and if crack is in need of smoking, by god, crack will be smoked! Henceforth I will list the rules and tricks that are required to smoke in these cinder block prisons. First of all, sleep with your RA. He/she is the most likely person to catch you, and an intimate relationship can only help your chances of not getting in trouble. And as a bonus, if you ever get in trouble, you can say you were coerced into smoking that six-foot gravity bong by your intimidating RA. However, this could be hard for many of you, especially the SEAS students. So if you don't have the skills to get your RA in the sack, fear not, for there are more practical solutions. A fan is vital. Two, if possible. Place them in your windows (which should be open) to get some cross ventilation. If your windows aren't open, you could quite possibly set off the fire alarm. If you've ever heard a fire alarm while really, really stoned, you understand why this must be avoided at all costs. And if on a crack binge, scientists say a fire alarm will make your head implode. So be careful. Next step is to place a towel under your door to keep that tricky smoke from creeping into the hallways. Since you probably have an abundance of mold on your towels at this point, the smoke might actually add a refreshing touch of flavor to them. And most importantly, use a Bounce tube. This will eliminate any chances of dangerous smoke reaching the nostrils of an administrator. Place a dryer sheet (I prefer Bounce) into an empty toilet paper roll. [Liquid Detergent poured over Kleenex works pretty well, too. ÜEd.] After every puff, exhale through the tube. The smoke coming out on the other side will have the clean, refreshing smell of static-free laundry. And as a bonus, people that come into your room will actually be under the impression that you clean your clothes. So heed my advice, you deprived inmates of freshman dorms. Follow these rules and smoke yourself stupid as often as you'd like. But if you do get caught, don't mention my name; I'll be busy sleeping with my RA.
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