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From the Rock Issue (Sept 2000):
On the Rocks The ultimate guide for guys and lesbians: The drinks your date should not be having Ben Huberman You're on a date. Things are going really well, or so you think. But then doubt raises its funny little head: "Gee", you think, "I wish I could foresee if the evening is destined for failure or success". Well, my baffled friend, now you can. A quick glimpse at your date's drink will tell you whether a night of fornication awaits you, or a night of, well, porn. Here is a list of beverages that spell only one thing: D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R. Memorize it, as you will be the one expected to clear the tab. ANY CREAM-BASED DRINK [e.g. White Russian, orgasm, etc.]: This is going to be one long night, but unfortunately, long as in "excruciatingly endless", not as in "full of sizzling luv". Instead of checking the durability of your extra-long mattress, prepare to face a never-ending cycle of boring anecdotes, childhood traumas, and the inevitable list of favorite plays, playwrights, directors, set designers, etc. Are you a shrink? No. Are you a drama major? Maybe, but then you wouldn't be on a date in the first place. Are you wasting your time? Definitely. FROZEN DAIQUIRIS/MARGARITAS: So close, yet so far away. You may think that you're headed in the right direction. Think again - your date chose to drink a slushy in front of you, with those irritating noises at the end included. If she's playing with her drink, she's also playing with you. Time to ask for the check. RED WINE: Very tricky, since red wine is the ultimate weapon of the sensuously-moving, black-dress-wearing type of women, who are also referred to by some male chauvinist pigs as "teases". This notorious breed enjoys talking about sex, laughing about sex and listening to stories about sex, all the while eyeing you passionately and sipping the most expensive Merlot found on the wine list. They might actually have sex, too. But not with you. BLOODY MARY: Red alert! Red alert! You're sitting tete-a-tete with a person who enjoys drinking an alcoholic gazpacho. What can be logically deduced from that? BEER: Beer is as much an aphrodisiac as the West End is a romantic spot. Girls who drink it on their dates are bound to disappoint. Don't get me wrong, she really really likes you. You're so cute and understanding. She can just sit with you and talk for hours. How about going to the museum tomorrow? Without noticing, you have become her newfound pal. Pals are good for many things, but not for humping like rabbits. DIET COKE. Well, not really a drink. But then again, if that's what your date is having, it's not really a date. By the way, Martinis are good.
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