The candidates don't waste their days talking about these things because they are focusing on the issue that the voters are really concerned about. Is it taxes? Deportation of Bill Maher? No. As every informed voter knows, he who kisses best, rules best--and over the past month, each candidate has been trucking it hard to prove himself the best man for the job.

Consider George Bush. His omnipresent smirk has toned his orbicular oris and levator labii superiores to the point where he simply can't help but pucker up. The look on Oprah's face when he gave her a nuzzling is nothing if not a mandate to govern. "With one kiss, he has set my cheek and my loins afire," she seems to say. "Oooh, girlfriend, give this man a chance to legislate for you."

Then there's Gore. After watching him asphyxiate his spouse at the

Democratic convention, he should have headed straight to his library to bone up on Cosmo's Romantic No-No's. No chance of that, unfortunately. Gore is too macho to be troubled by a woman's physical wants during the kiss.

History, too, has its examples. Students of political history still cringe when they recall the downfall of Millard Fillmore's disastrous second campaign. The former president, after a night of heavy rioting, accidentally leaned into his whispering stick while delivering sweet nothings into his ladyfriend's primed, expectant ear. In one moment, both an auditory canal and a promising political future were forever laid to waste.

Good kissers, according to Mademoiselle, have gentle and forgiving lips. They have arms that caress, not grab. They know that there exists a give-and-take: they do not shove their tongues down their partner's throats. In short, a good kisser is naturally a good leader; he is willing to compromise and to be gentle as well as firm. Henry Clay, for example, was also an excellent kisser.

So, who is better suited for the job? I suggest that we review the tapes of the debates. And not those namby-pamby "broadcast versions." I mean the real uncut hardcore clips. Here's what you're missing if you didn't pay the extra $9.95 per month for premium cable's reconstruction starring Britney Spears as George Bush and David Hasselhoff as Al Gore.

Bush and Gore: Out of the Snuff, Into the Zone

Brought to You by HBO.

Gore: Mr. Governor, I think the entire nation has had it with your endless posturing.

Bush: Would you like to see me make good on my promises to America?

Gore: [Seductively] That would be an excellent start. [Ralph Nader runs on stage with horde of 17-year-old supporters]

Nader: [As played by Rohn Jeremy] I'm still getting paid even though I showed up late, right?

It was at that point that my mom walked in and I had to switch channels to the Golden Girls on TVLand. The good part was yet to come, but it is a safe bet that Bush and Gore will carry on with their round-lipped roundelay for weeks yet.