From the Election Issue (Oct 2000):
News Briefs
SEAS Student Loses Ability to Communicate Through Written, Verbal Language
George Falouga, SEAS '01, has reportedly lost the ability to communicate. "[Falouga] had a bunch of projects due on the same day, and he kind of shut himself into the computer lab for over 36 hours. He was never the same after that," his roommate commented. It is reported that when Falouga came back, he could no longer express himself in grammatically coherent English, either written or verbal. "All that came out was this weird computer programming language type of stuff." When asked questions, Falouga would simply reply, "if can dot help equals true help open parentheses me close parentheses else kill me please."Standard Deviant Scores One Standard Deviation Below Mean
Deviant and CC sophomore Jack Kafra scored one standard deviation below the mean on his last Calculus exam, which was returned in class today. Kafra, who has been labeled as "psychotic" and "abnormal" by his ex girlfriends, scored a 40 on the exam, which had a mean of 55 and a standard deviation of 15. "I was disappointed in my performance, to say the least," the sophomore stated, as he polished a pair of handcuffs, "I studied very hard for that midterm and expected to get at least a 60 on the exam." Kafra's hall mates were also surprised by his scores. CC sophomore Kristen Reid said, "We all thought that he was really smart, and that was why he was so weird. But now we know he's just messed up."
Famous Celebrity Seen Doing Something Ordinary
Celebrities are being spotted regularly on the Columbia campus in recent weeks. More often than not, the famous people are doing something completely ordinary. "Yeah, one time I saw that girl who was in that movie, she was checking her mail in Lerner. I was like, ïwow, famous people check their mail?' I always assumed that their mail was just delivered straight to their dorm by their personal maid."
Discovery of New Tray Art Highlight of First Year's Day
CC First Year Horton Radley's Thursday was forever changed when he picked up a tray in the John Jay Dining Hall. This was no ordinary tray, for it had etched on its mottled blue side a work of tray art that Radley had never before seen. Radley recalls, "it said 'Tray Dunaway', you know, like Faye Dunaway, but with a 'TR' replacing the 'F.'" Radley pointed out the newly discovered tray art to his dinner companions and laughed with them. At this point, Radley suddenly felt extraordinarily pathetic. "I was like, ïthe highlight of my day was finding a new etching in a dinner tray.' That's when I knew I had hit rock bottom."
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