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From the Activism Issue (Nov 2000):
Lovin' the Elevator Ways to Take Advantage of Fate and Gravity Hope Glassman "I want to meet people, you know cool people," is a frequent nasal call from many First-Years these days. Well Freshmen, consider this: there is an under-utilized social forum at Columbia and this gentle giant is waiting in your dorm, begging to be exploited: the elevator. Every time I am in the elevator with a group of people who don't know each other, the tension is thick enough to cut with a knife and the silences unbearable. But this situation is so easily resolved when one realizes that these times in the elevator are the perfect opportunity to meet people and even engage in business interactions. True, perhaps you've given someone a sly, alluring look in the elevator or maybe you've told someone that the elevator was going up when it was really going down. Mere child's play, I tell you. To help get this elevator party started, I have provided a few suggestions on how to truly "live it up when you're going down," as the immortal Steven Tyler once screeched. Er... you know what I mean. 1. Use the elevator to discuss important dorm issues. Recently I entered the elevator in Carman only to find a large pool of vomit on the floor. There's conversation fodder right there! For example, long-lasting friendships can be made by inquiry into the impetus for the nausea, as well as the consistency of the throw up, etc. The possibilities are limitless! 2. Bring up espionage. Why is that camera in the corner of the elevator? Is Big Brother using this device to graph the parts in our hair, or is it a cruel excuse to laugh at the girls primping in that way too-tiny mirror? 3. Convince your elevator mates that you are completely insane. This can be done in several ways. Argue with an imaginary "buddy" about the particulars of Ted Kaczinsky's manifesto. Or, and this works just as well, commence furiously licking the elevator walls. And finally, for those riders with pent-up aggression, beat your fellow passengers mercilessly with paper fliers from the elevator walls. 4. Use the elevator as a romantic getaway. If Steven Tyler, whose entire legacy consists of fish lipped monstrosity Liv, can get some in an elevator, anyone can. It just takes a little sophistication, a charm, and a considerable lack of self-restraint. Saying classic lines like, "Nice floor, wanna fuck?" might be just the thing to draw out the animal instincts lying deep within your elevator mates. 5. [For the more commercially minded] Make the elevator your own personal brothel. Laws, schmaws. Everyone knows soliciting customers in the elevator is perfectly legitimate. Merely wear a provocative outfit late at night and push every button on the elevator so that you stop on each floor. You'll be the hit of the elevator, and possibly more fun than vomit.
So, Freshmen stop your complaining! Consider elevator relations and refer to this guide early and often. Pick a shaft, dive on in, and emerge from your elevator journey $10 richer and with a life long pal, fondly known as "John."
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