From the Activism Issue (Nov 2000):
News Briefs
Mark Kuba and Katherine Zien
Despite All Efforts, White Student Still White
Despite an intensive six month de-whiting process, CC sophomore Nicholas Smith is still as white as ever. "I don't know what went wrong with the process. I took an active interest in hip-hop music, I dressed in 'street-style' urban clothes, I adorned everything I had with Asian characters that I could not read or identify, and I even became acquainted with lesser-known Eastern philosophies," the political science major said. "I am just another one of the 187 million white people in this country. If anything, my attempts to offset myself from other white people has only made me seem that much pastier." Efforts will redouble in the next few months in a massive last ditch effort, as Smith attempts to interact socially with people of a different ethnicity than his own.
'Date' May Have Occurred on Columbia Campus
Reports have surfaced that a 'date,' or a social outing with a potential mate, may have occurred on the Columbia campus on Saturday, November 4th involving a Columbia College Sophomore male and a SEAS Junior female (exact identities remain unconfirmed at this time). This is startling news to the Columbia community, which has not seen a confirmed date since November of 1987, when Betty Lemming, a College Freshman at the time, was met by Ron Johnson, a library employee, to go get some drinks. "A date? Here at Columbia? I vaguely remember the ritual from high school, but it's been years since I've seen anything like that at Columbia," stated a shocked Lisa Hundley, CC '00.
Conscientious Student Prefers One Mega Corporation Over Another
Last Saturday, Barnard junior Samantha Nichols took an active stand against global corporatism. "I had heard all about how environmentally unfriendly Starbucks was, and also how shoddily they treated coffee growers in South America, and I felt that enough was enough. So instead of picking up my usual Frappuccino at Starbucks, I decided to get a cup at a New World Coffee down the street." New World Coffee is part of a franchise that owns 377 stores in 26 states, operating under various names.
Student Leaves Rally Against Citibank(TM) to Access Citibank(TM) Account
A Columbia sophomore who wished to identify himself as "Brent" left Wednesday's "Down with Citicorp" rally on campus fifteen minutes early in order to withdraw $140 from his Citibank account. Upon leaving, he promised the other nine participants that he was "with [them] all the way" and would "fight again next week but [he had] studying to do."
As Brent stood in line for the ATM machine conveniently located in Lerner Hall, he firmly clenched his homemade "Stop You Corporate Bastards -- Fight Citibank" sign in his hands. "Some kid walked up to me and asked me to picket against Citibank, and at first I was a little uncomfortable with the idea, being a client and all," he said, "but then he told me this stuff about the forest and shit and what they're doing there, and I could hardly just stand by." He then went up to the cold, faceless ATM machine and punched in his PIN number, to be processed by a network of greedy robotic tree-and monkey-slaughtering and acid rain-spewing automatons.
Girl Watches Sex in the City, Has No Sex in City
Another Sunday night found student Maria Wohl in front of the television, watching the award-winning HBO show Sex in the City. Stretched out on her futon, she stared intently at the numerous scenes of passionate, romantic sexual interaction unfolding in front of her. "I think this show is so sensuous and erotic while being funny," she said, "I mean, just look at the way Sarah Jessica Parker is coming on to that guy at the club. You just know they're going to get it on tonight. That's some real action right there." Later in the show, at the actual sex scene, she murmured, "Yeah, there's real sex in the city for you. Mmm-hmm." After the show was over, Maria did her Economics homework until 3 a.m., consuming massive quantities of Cheeto's with a glassy look in her eyes.
Columbia Freshman, Too Lazy to Get Up, Forced to Eat Food Taken from John Jay
Andy Zahn, a freshman at Columbia, was reduced all of Sunday to consuming the various produce that his roommate had brought back from John Jay Dining Hall approximately two weeks ago. Speaking from his bed, where he had been since Saturday night, Zahn said, "Yeah, I woke up this morning and I was really hungry, but no way in hell was I going outside. I couldn't even work up the energy to call for takeout over the phone. So I just ate like three old apples that [roommate Vince Estrada] took from John Jay. Then for "lunch", I ate another apple and a really brown banana and half of an orange." Added Zahn, "That fruit all really tasted like asshole." Then, sinking back under the covers, Zahn proceeded to sleep for the rest of the day.
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