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From the Activism Issue (Nov 2000):
Semen Smuggling Guards Benefit Neighborhood Kate Sullivan Community involvement? There was a time when I would laugh at the phrase, claim that the number of cheats I could get on Perfect Dark would have more of an impact on the world at large than planting some flowers or painting a few park fences. But now I have found a story that makes me want to get off my indifferent hiney and do something to improve the world. Perhaps it will change your apathetic way of life, too. It is the story of two men, several hundred convicted felons, and 40,000 gallons of contraband semen: Last month, in Williamsport, PA, two prison guards were arrested for violating a federal law that prohibits prisoner procreation. Over the past six years, officers Troy Kemmerer and Todd Swineford had been operating an illegal jizz-running service for the inmates they kept watch over. Prisoners would give the guards small containers of their love juices to smuggle off the grounds and to the convicts' waiting love bunnies. Until two years ago, Kemmerer and Swineford had been transporting the semen in thermoses filled with ice. This, unfortunately, did not sustain a cold enough environment to freeze the sperm without killing them, so the guards' success rate was abysmally low. However, in 1998 Kemmerer and Swineford began to smuggle cryogenic kits in to the inmates for $5,000 each. Although now there were many more happy mothers, the heightened un-sexual activity attracted the attention of federal investigators, ultimately leading to the guards' arrest. These two guards taught me the meaning of community involvement. Transporting 40,000 gallons of jism (it could fill a small dorm suite! Can you imagine having to clean up that mess?) is quite a stomach-turning gig, but Kemmerer and Swineford were completing a love connection, improving genetic stock, and fostering the American tradition of a caring, healthy family. The prisoners are isolated from the world. Conjugal visits are not allowed, and speaking through 1.5" plastic just isn't the same as full on bodily contact. They can't kiss, or touch, or talk without supervision, but they can create parental mix of heredity: a ball of shared genetic joy. Kemmerer and Swineford, acting as semen barge men, shipping container after container of precious cum, were the messengers of love. Kemmerer and Swineford's actions were a tremendous boon to the genepools of Allentown and Williamsport. More children were coming into the world chock full o' the very same genes that created their great convict fathers. They also served society by helping to uphold the grand American tradition of single-parenthood. How much more involved in the community can a person get? Kemmerer and Swineford, instead of mildly picking up trash or building a playground, got down to the essence of man: his reproductive fluids. They were expanding a community that was otherwise at a procreative standstill. They completed the circle of prisoner life, genetically encouraging great citizens. What incredible patriots! And yet these men have been arrested for bribery and corruption and now face 15 years in the very establishment they once kept secure. It's scandalous that two great men should face such grave consequences for their honorable actions. This has spurred me to action. Thursdays, after Must-See-TV, I drive down to the Allentown federal prison. I hold candlelit vigils at night, march and protest during the day and return Sunday night. So far, the police see no threat from me, often mocking, pointing, and throwing small items of garbage. Little do they know about the power of the pen. By writing this, I am bringing this outrage to the eyes of the public. Soon, brothers and sisters, we shall march on Allentown to show the authorities the error of their sperm-suppressing ways. Join me, on Thursday the 16th in front of the Alma Mater at 11:30 p.m. and come with me to Allentown. Pause the Playstation, drop the N64 controller, and just care. Show your support for these heroes of the hot beef injection. Stop sperm oppression NOW!!
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