November 8, 2002
General Electric
Last evening, the general membership of the Philolexian Society,
Columbia University's student organization dedicated to improving
the rhetorical skills and literary awareness of its members, voted
to name GE Reveal light bulbs the official light bulbs of the
society. We make this designation in recognition of the outstanding
contributions to American literature made by the promoters of
GE products. Your packaging proudly states that "GE Reveal light
bulbs uncover what's been hiding under ordinary light."
Seeing every room in our home in a whole new light has long been
a goal of the Philolexian Society. Like the man escaped from Plato's
allegorical cave, we Philolexians seek only the purest illumination
of Earthly forms. Clearly your light bulbs aspire to the same
depth of perception that all Philolexians crave, the understanding
of purest essence that transcends knowledge and brings the lucky
philosopher into the realm of the Good.
In earlier times, such understanding could be achieved only through
rigorous training in the dialectic method and the occasional homosexual
orgy, but thanks to the color-enhanced full-spectrum light of
GE Reveal light bulbs, all the philosophically inclined among
us can ascend to a higher plane of truth in object perception.
The questing scholarly inquiry eminent in our weekly debates demands
lighting supplies of equal metaphysical ambition, and we firmly
believe GE Reveal light bulbs, specifically made to filter out
yellow rays that hide life's true colors, capable of rising to
this challenge.
I have been charged with the duty of informing you of this designation,
which we hope you will deem an honor. Though the Philolexian Society,
established in 1802, is Columbia's oldest student organization,
and one of the oldest literary societies in the country, it has
never before seen fit to name an official light bulb. The undeniable
kindred spirit between your company and our society, manifest
in GE Reveal light bulbs, drove us to break all precedent in this
case. We hope that it will also facilitate friendly contact between
us in the future. I thank you for your patience and wish you a
pleasant fall.
Surgam,