The Philolexian Society
The Lion's Court
New York, NY 10027
Last evening, the general membership of the Philolexian Society,
Columbia University's student organization dedicated to improving
the rhetorical skills and literary awareness of its members, voted
to name your Baked Apple Pie the official baked apple pie of the
Society. We have chosen your product in recognition of its ability
to remind consumers of exactly where apple pie comes from, and
how it is made. You have set a fine example for young debaters
always to be aware of fundamentals before delving into the complicated
and sometimes esoteric concepts of our discussions.
I have been charged with the duty of informing you of this designation,
which we hope you will deem an honor. Though the Philolexian Society,
established in 1802 by associates of Alexander Hamilton, is Columbia's
oldest student organization and one of the oldest literary societies
in the country, it has never before seen fit to name an official
baked apple pie. The undeniable kindred spirit between your company
and our society, manifest in McDonald's Baked Apple Pie, drove
us to break all precedent in this case. We hope that it will also
lead to friendly contact between us in the future.
Indeed, we are currently soliciting nominations for products to
serve as our official fried apple pie, boiled apple pie, or broiled
apple pie. Unfortunately your Baked Apple Pie is ineligible, since
it is baked. However, if you have any other products which fit
one of these descriptions, or any products which you feel mesh
with the intellectual underpinnings of the Philolexian Society,
we encourage you to inform us at your convenience.
I thank you for your patience and wish you a pleasant fall.