The Philolexian Society
The Lion's Court
Columbia University
New York, NY 10027
September 25, 1997
Proctor and Gamble
Cincinnati, OH
Dear Proctor and Gamble,
Last evening, the general membership of the Philolexian Society,
Columbia University's student organization dedicated to improving
the rhetorical skills and literary awareness of its members, voted
to name your Ivory soap the official soap of the society. We make
this designation in admiration of your company's ability to achieve
a dominion over things one would normally have thought completely
outside your control.
On the Ivory Soap package, you boldly declare through the affixing
of a registered trademark symbol that you own the expression "99
94/100% Pure." We self-aggrandizing Philolexians, always
striving to expand beyond the confines of our role as a student
group, have had occasion to declare our dominion over campuses
and nations, and have even asserted ownership over all of the
Mckim, Meade, and White-style buildings in the world, but never
have we had the audacity to lay exclusive claim to something so
basic and universal as a number. In our desire to thank you for
teaching us ever to set our sights higher, we have decided to
make your product our official soap.
I have been charged with the duty of informing you of this designation,
which we hope you will deem an honor. Though the Philolexian Society,
established in 1802 by associates of Alexander Hamilton, is Columbia's
oldest student organization, and one of the oldest literary societies
in the country, it has never before seen fit to name an official
soap. The undeniable kindred spirit between your company and our
society, manifest in Ivory soap, drove us to break all precedent
in this case. We hope that it will also facilitate friendly contact
between us in the future. I thank you for your patience and wish
you a pleasant holiday season.
Sincerely,
Andrew Shiner
Nomenclaturist General