|March 31st, 2005
S. C. Johnson & Son, Inc.
Last evening, the general membership of the Philolexian Society, Columbia University’s student organization dedicated to improving the rhetorical skills and literary awareness of its members, voted to name Shout Ultra Gel the official laundry stain remover of the society. We make this designation in recognition of the outstanding contributions to American literature made by the promoters of Shout products. With it’s concentrated formula and “three powerful stain fighting ingredients,” Shout Ultra Gel is the perfect choice for all colorfast washables.
The Philolexian Society attracts only those who truly care about keeping themselves presentable. Dressing up for meetings is always encouraged, and our esteemed Moderator, Scriba, and Censor always attire themselves in the height of nadsat fashion. While we may not be resplendent in the finest of white tuxedos, keeping oneself presentable in the heart of the city can prove difficult. Your product’s ingenious suggestion to “Treat now, wash later” allows us to keep our raiment in a state veritably next to godliness.
Shout Ultra Gel promises to “quickly penetrate, break up, and remove [our] toughest stains, including…grass, dirt, cuff and collar, and other tough stains.” This admirable gel must have been created with the Philolexian Society in mind, for how else would a company so perfectly anticipate our needs? With our annual Croquet Tea rapidly approaching, Philolexians can engage in the roughest sort of play without fear of forever staining our finest garments. We are so enamoured of this sport that we always put forth the greatest effort, kneeling on the ground to find the best shot with rackish disregard for the condition of our garb. With the aid of your product, however, we can engage in this sport with impunity. For this we, and our clothes, thank you.
I have been charged with the duty of informing you of this distinction, which we hope you will deem an honor. Though the Philolexian Society, established in 1802, is Columbia’s oldest student organization, and one of the oldest literary societies in the country, it has never before seen fit to name an official laundry stain remover. The undeniable kindred spirit between your company and our society, manifest in Shout Ultra Gel, drove us to break all precedent in this case. We hope that it will also facilitate friendly contact between us in the future. I thank you for your patience and wish you a pleasant spring.